Newton Can Freakin’ Hang

I don’t know why things like this happen to me but they do. Maybe they happen to everyone else and maybe I am more apt to share my follies on here but lately I feel like I was born under a bad sign. Most people know that I am a big believer in karma almost to the extreme that killing a spider is tough for me. In the back of my mind there maybe a chance that in the next life I will be a spider. I know that sounds crazy but so is my life. I’m a Catholic and we don’t even believe in reincarnation but I am taking no chances. Spiders repulse me so unless one is chewing on my ear I will probably just leave the room and make up the excuse that he will eat all the flies which I hate 1/10000’s of a percent less. But I digress. If it wasn’t for bad luck, I would have no luck at all.

So, I was at the grocery store yesterday picking up a few items for the week. I try not to eat out for every meal but as many know it is almost impossible so my list was short only including breakfast food, coffee, and a few Healthy Choice meals for odd nights. I also had a two liter of Sprite on the list because nothing will make a fresh out of the microwave, 900 degree on the outside, -32 degree on the in side, fettuccine alfredo chicken meal go down easier then to be complimented by lemon and lime. So while carrying six items in my arms, (because getting a cart means the temptation to buy 30 more items) I reached for the three liter Sprite perched on the top shelf when all Hell broke lose.

Maybe this was in God’s plan? Maybe the other five three liters where making a mad dash for an escape? Perhaps Newton was just an asshole? Regardless the reason, five three liters of Sprite seemed to leap from the gated barrier and crash to the floor, 6 feet below. But three of them didn’t bounce. Their hulls were breached and they took off in different directions like missiles. The other two bounced face level causing me to instinctively to drop my items in the hopes to catch the already armed sodas before they too would initiate the launch system. Of course I had eggs that were now scrambled.

This happened in about 2 and a half seconds. In that time most would drop an F-bomb or two. That would be appropriate for this circumstance. I, on the other hand, never have the right word to say. Instead I scream the only thing that pops in my head and it usually is a little more embarrassing than the event itself. Prime example: I slipped and fell in public. Instead of shouting something cool like “shit” or “damn it” I screamed “NOOOOOO!” As if I refused to accept the fact that my feet where parallel to my face.

So while the soda rockets where streaking down the isle, my groceries where in a pile on my new shoes and I was involuntarily drinking Sprite, I shouted the only thing that popped in my head. I yelled in a panicked voice, “GRANDMOTHER!” Grandmother? Who says that? I’ve had a day to digest this and my theory is that I was about to say “mother f*cker” but I was trying to be reserve and my data bank went straight to “grandmother”. That’s my theory.

Well, after the mist cleared there was an eerie quite. The others who had been in the soda and chip isle had bolted from the scene as if to say “not my mess”. I could feel the trickle of Sprite dripping from my chin, the last exhaust of CO2 leave the bottles as soda drained from the cracked tops and that unmistakable warming sensation of pure humiliation as blood rushed to my face. There were only a few options.

  1. Fake a seizure
  2. Get pissed off and mask the embarrassment through blame of someone else
  3. Just run
  4. Suck it up and wait for the poor kid to show up with a mop.

I waited. I collected the half drained soda bottles as the chatter from the neighboring isle began to resume. I could hear their conversations. I couldn’t tell if they were laughing but I did hear some mention of “grandmother”. I assume I am being talked about right now around at least four office water coolers.

Soon the mop and bucket arrived and the kid assured me he had it under control. I held my breath and did the walk of shame to the check out isle and explained the incident to the cashier and she told me it was alright. I left quickly and sat in my new car all sticky. Feeling mission unaccomplished, I went home and showered trying to laugh the past hour away. It wasn’t as funny as I had hoped but I am sure one day it will be. For now though, screw three liters, screw Publix and screw Sprite. I’m now a Fresca man.

Death Of A Snowman

 I think there is nothing sadder than a snowman in Georgia. Okay, there are things that are far sadder but really when it snows in Atlanta, people feel compelled to erect a homosapian in frozen precipitation as soon as possible. Even if it is full of dirt, pine needles and grass.

Yesterday I took a drive around the block and paid my respects to the final stage of life these snowmen where in since last Saturday’s snow storm. To be honest, I was surprised to see them last this long. I guess the thrill is gone for the kids who made them and you will see why. *warning* If you are sensitive to snow people you may not want to continue reading.

This guy doesn’t look too worse for ware but as you can see he is in a sea of brown Bermuda grass which is a certain sign this guy is circling the drain. I apologize for the blur but it was a drive by shot. I figure the poor bastard has another day and a half.

Oh God, what happened here? To the untrained eye it looks like someone dropped their scarf in a pile of snow but upon closer inspection we clearly see the guy is face-down and ass-up.  Maybe his base was to weak or maybe his will to live was too weak but what ever the reason, I think that scarf needs to go to the cleaners. Moving on….

Here we have a full torso snowman that is still recognizable. With one orange left in the eye socket and a carrot nose till in place it looks like he isn’t giving up the ghost without a fight.  But who is he fooling? Out of frame I saw two rabbits patiently waiting for his nose and if I know rabbits, their patience wains easy. This guy better give his soul to Jesus because his ass belongs to Roger.

Oh goodness. It looks as if this guy threw himself from a tree sometime in the night but if you look close you can make out bicycle tracks in the guts. I’m no detective but if I was, I would call it homicide. This guy didn’t have a chance. At least he escaped the inevitable unlike this poor family you are about to see. Weak stomachs may need to turn your head away from the keyboard.

ACK! I don’t even know what to say here! I have seen better cases of smallpox. It’s tough enough to see solo snowmen succumb to the drastic fluctuations the weather in Atlanta can have, but a whole family? I couldn’t stand to see the children suffer, so like any Christian I took nature into my own hands. I put the car in park, walked to the snow family in despair and put them out of misery with my bare hands and shoed feet. I apologize that God had brought them into this cruel world and soon they would be in peace. Yelling and striking with completely improvised karate moves there was nothing left but snow, pine needles and articles of clothing.

The children who brought this dying family into the world last Saturday could only stand and watch in horror. After I was finished I gathered the hats and scarves from the mound of dead snow people. My hands and feet still covered in snowy guts, I walked up to the kids and gave them back the clothing as something to remember them by. I said, “you are not God, but at least we can have satisfaction that they are free from their misery. They are free…..free.”

I returned to my car after I stomped off the remaining snow from my shoes. Even though there kid’s mother was screaming, “I’ve already called the police”, I know in my stomach what had to be done. As I drove away I stopped next to the kids, still holding the hats and scarves, still mouths agape and teary eyed. I said, “I hope you kids know that playing God comes with great responsibility.  Never forget that.”

Somethings I Just Won’t Do: Part Deux

Here is a continuation of my “no way, no how” list. I can’t believe I am actually keeping my commitment from part one. It took a few days to think of these but I finally have enough to complete the list. I guess that is a good thing when you need a few days to think about what you would never do. Or is that bad?

I will never turn the car off when this song is on. I have sat in the car for collectively a quarter of my life when my destination arrives before a good song is over. Call me crazy but I am superstitious enough to know that nothing but bad luck results in ending a great song before the final note. Here is my list. If you ever see me in the parking lot for more than ten minutes you can be sure that one of these songs is being blasted.

  • The Cure- “Just Like Heaven” (because I think of Kristiane)
  • Led Zeppelin- “Going To California”
  • The Police- “De Do Do Do De Da Da Da”
  • Metallica- Anything from Kill ’em All or Ride The Lightning (the rest can hang)
  • Megadeth- “Holy War” (even hard to air guitar to)
  • Queen- “Bohemian Rapsody
  • Styx- “Mr. Roboto” (white guy has to do the robot sometime)
  • Slipknot- “Before I forget”
  • Highwaymen- “Poncho and Lefty”
  • The Jam- “That’s Entertainment”
  • Motorhead- “Iron Fist”
  • The Darkness- anything

Get a haircut at a salon. I said it once and I’ll say it again; guys get haircuts at barber shops! I haven’t done this but my dad has and it was fucking hilarious. He went to a real barber to get it fixed and the barber said “who ever cut your hair last should be making shoes.” Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Use the “N” word. This is more of a serious one. I met a gentleman who lived in Mississippi during the civil rights era. His name was King and he was probably one of the wisest men I have ever met. As a black man during that time he was subjected to the worst kind of discrimination, humiliation and every day was a struggle just to keep his head up. He told me he could never understand why he couldn’t drink from the same water fountain but he was allowed to make food for the people who made those ridicules rules. He couldn’t walk in the front door but he could answer the door when people knocked. Discrimination makes no sense and people who say that word for what ever reason, whether ignorance or because some how it has been a word that is only to be used by one race, all I have to say is this: You really don’t get it, do you?

Kiss a snake. There’s no need for an explanation for this.

I think that maybe it. I mean besides the obvious like get a prostitute or lick a car battery. I believe that life is an experience and it is not meant to be saved but rather spent. Break the bonds that hold you down and for Pete’s sake go do something nuts! Tell the man I made you do it. I can take an ass chewing pretty well.

Some Things I Just Won’t Do: Part 1

I consider myself to be a pretty liberal kind of guy. I will try anything once as long as I am 60% sure I will not die and 100% sure it will not hurt others. This summer my buddy and I are planning a trip to run with the bulls in Spain so really there isn’t much I won’t do. I’ve even eaten sushi in Augusta, Georgia for crying out loud! But like anything else there are exceptions and there are some things in life I will never do. Here’s my list.

Hang out at a nursing home. I think my folks can rest assured that their elderly years will be safe from being tucked away in an old person home. Nothing gives me the willies ore than the sounds of dementia and smell of pee. My grandfather spent his last year in an elderly home because my grandmother could not give him the intensive care he needed and every trip there gave me resolve to do well enough in life so my parents would not suffer the same fate. We have to do better for our aging population. I’ll never go back to one of those again and it starts by taking care of my own family.

Lead The National Anthem. I love this country and I love our anthem but I will be the first to admit I don’t know all the words on command. I think it would be less patriotic to have a catastrophic meltdown at Turner Field rather than politely say “fuck that, man!” when asked to sing it. Just listen to this dude!

Go on Jeopardy. Do you really want to advertise to the world in 30 minutes that you are retarded? I don’t. I think Alex Tribeck would probably say something like this: “For the first time in Jeopardy history we have someone on contestant row that actually owes the show money. Bill from Atlanta….will that be cash or check?”

Sing or Dance at a half time show. No fucking way! I know this kind of ties in withe the National Anthem but it I felt that this deserved it’s own line. Can you imagine being force to sing and dance with a group of “touched” kids at an German soccer game? I have and even had a nightmare about it. Pay attention to the kid in the white shirt. He’s gots the moves, mang!

Window Washing. I don’t know why but for some strange reason I can look down from heights but I get total vertigo when I look up. I remember working in an office building that was 25 stories and when I was going in I noticed hanging ropes dangling next to the entrance. I followed the ropes with my eyes all the way to see two guys suspended over 300 feet and before I knew it I feel on my butt. How embarrassing! One lady screamed, ” I think he’s seizing!” Nope, just a tool, ma’am. Just a tool.

There are a few more but I will have to think of them. These are just the ones that are on my all time “no way” list. No amount of money can buy your dignity and no amount of booze will make you forget so I am a true believer that every person should have their limitations. Stay tuned for part duex! Is that how you spell that?

Oh yeah, what are yours?

Memory Lane

I consider myself lucky. That statement is open for opinion of course but in my mind I feel I am lucky. I have the freedom to chose any course in life and for right now I have the opportunity to chose wisely. Hearing the death rattle of my twenties isn’t as scary as I thought and in comparison to many (which you shouldn’t do) I feel that the pieces are finally starting to fit just right.

I also consider myself lucky to live only 30 minutes from the neighborhood I grew up in as a child. After I turned 18 I pretty much left and never looked back so it has only been recently that I returned to drive through the old block . It really puts your life in perspective to get out of your car and touch the same tree you fell out of some 20 years ago. It is as close to time travel as we can get and of course I’m going to drag you all along.

The first stop is this little yellow and green house on the far coldasack of Heritage Glen. This was the home of my first best friend, Toby and his little sister Jenny. Toby and I were inseparable and in 1984, Cobb County was a smaller town so we were in the same class from kindergarten to the third grade. Just looking at this house, which hasn’t changed in the slightest, all these memories came flooding back. Maybe it was the smell of the foliage or maybe it was the eye-twitching Sprite themed colors of the house but I felt pain in my knuckles from Toby accidentally shutting my fingers in the trunk of the car. I felt the sweat on the brow after breaking the back window of his parents car with a rock where I learned from my father, “once a rock leaves your hand….you have no control over it“. A confusing and empty feeling in my stomach after watching the Challenger explode in the living room and listening to his mother as she explained that the astronauts went to Heaven while the pieces fell into the Atlantic Ocean. And I felt that familiar lump in the throat when his aunt explained that Toby and I should not be friends because he was black and I was white. The end of innocents happened in that house when I was eight. Wouldn’t it be a great world if if we could have that back?

Toby’s dad was hit by a drunk driver while driving a company car and won a million dollar law suit. They moved shortly after the settlement and my best friend left for Texas. Just looking from my car I could see myself shooting baskets in their driveway hoop the afternoon after they left. Even though I didn’t realize it then, there was a lot of growing up in that yellow house. But then again, does anyone realize it? Moving on……

Here we are at my other best friend’s house, Darian. I was in the fifth grade when he and his family moved to the neighborhood and we instantly bonded, like lamb and tuna fish. His dad was in the Airforce and getting his PhD from Georgia Tech so he and his three siblings where only there for a short duration but no matter. He left an indelible impression on me and made the fifth grade more of an adventure than it really should have been.

Darian found out girls where not walking diseases long before I did. I wanted to set things on fire, play home-run-derby with an aluminum bat and tennis ball and play MegaMan until my thumbs separated from my hands. He, on the other hand, wanted to call girls from our class and ask them questions like, “What’s up?” and “Do you like someone in school?”. Personally my patience for this was always thin and I remember sitting in his room whining that we should go outside and throw rocks at empty bottles or something. That is until he found out there was a girl who liked me and her name was Heather Wood.

“Heather Wood?!?!?!” It is amazing how quickly priorities shift when the cutest girl in class has a crush on you. No longer did baseball take center stage and after an intense third party negotiation between Darian and Heather’s best friend it was official. We were going out. Pretty amazing, huh? I didn’t even talk to her and now we where an item. That is until that following week when her crush turned to Keenan and I experienced my first heartache. Easy come, easy go when I could always find happiness in GI Joe and Taco Friday.

Looking at that center window of that house my pulse skipped as I remembered the feeling of a first crush. I don’t think anyone forgets that no matter what the duration or circumstance. I didn’t have to see Darian move because we soon moved to Phoenix but I don’t think the sadness was lessened. He was a shitty athlete but man could that dude pull some tail. Even if was in the fifth grade. I wonder how he turned out?

The fam and I moved back to the same house after a 2 year move to Phoenix, Arizona and the neighborhood hadn’t changed in the slightest. The only difference was a few occupants and I was now a teenager. And with teenage years comes a higher sense of responsibility and the need to make money. So I became the lawn mowing kid of the block and the house above was one of my clients. Now I am not proud of this story but I feel that 14 or years have passed so now I can tell it.

The guy that lived here was a bachelor who was about 32 years old and quite Magoo. He reminded me a lot of Jon Arbuckle from the comic Garfield.  The type that would probably chose Bingo over Texas Hold ’em, use a tip calculator when the check comes, order from a fast food restaurant with about 10 special requests and explain to the cashier it’s because of the medication he is on, and sexually harass female co-workers not because he means to, just because he doesn’t know better. It was a hunch but that is how he struck me. Even at 15.

Well with that aside, his front lawn was pretty small and his backyard was 90% dirt so it was an easy $20. The only real problem was his dog, Winston. Winston was an English Setter that was about 400 in dog years. He didn’t have much hair, blind, constantly had his mouth all the way open and wouldn’t bark but howl loudly like a deaf guy being electrocuted. Oh yeah, and did I mention he had a blown out o-ring so he shits at a trot? Winston was walking death and I was a little afraid of him but my encounters were brief. That is until I was asked to look after him for a weekend while this dude went out of town for the weekend.

Keep in mind that I love dogs so don’t judge me for this. After school that Friday I went directly over to check on Winston only to find him laying in the backyard. I called to him so I wouldn’t have to go over and touch him risking the 1 in a million chance of catching English Setter dog death but Winston wasn’t moving. I approached the poor dog and found out what I hoped would not be true. Winston was dead and his owner wouldn’t be home until Sunday night. What to do with a dead dog?

Now I had a dog and he was put to sleep by the vet and I didn’t know what they did with him afterward. For some reason or another I felt responsible and I didn’t know what to do. So like the dumb kid I was I did the only thing I thought was right. I buried Wilson. Now if you have ever been to Georgia you know that most of the ground here in clay and it’s not the easiest ground to dig in for a 100 pound teenager. By the time I was finished there was still a snout and a rear paw sticking out of the ground.

I went home to try and explain to my father that Winston passed and my first real responsibility had had passed with him. Like the amazing dad I have, he assured me that Winston was just old and there was nothing  that could have been done. Then he went to call the vet and asked where Winston was so we could bring him in. Then I told him I buried him. In my mind I believe Dad’s confidence in my decision making ability was shaken from that moment on.

Well, on Sunday I had the great pleasure of explaining that the only company Winston’s owner had died in the backyard. I handed him his collar and gave my condolences. With the same tact as I handled Winston’s death I told the broken man that this weekend was on the house. God, what a awful thing to say.

Ah…Sandy’s house. This guy (yes, Sandy is a guy) had all the cool stuff. He had a mo-ped, bb gun’s, a drum set, a tree house with electricity, a pool, and parents who were one of the kids. I had more fun in this house than anywhere else. There were a lot of sunrises that were witnessed from here, I can tell you. I guess every kid had the one friend that was liked only for the stuff they had. I feel a little guilty about that but then again Sandy was never that bright so I only felt so bad. I mean when the guy was 16 he was in an accident because he was changing the radio station, ran through an intersection and ended up in the luggage compartment of a Greyhound bus.

The last I heard from Sandy he was in a band as a drummer touring in Germany. He dropped the name Sandy and went with Sanders so I nick named him “The Colonel” and it stuck.  I saw his band’s flier with the roster of the members on it. His name read, “Sanders Satler aka “The Kernel”. Oh Sandy, you never did get it, did you?

And this was the house I grew up in. I had so much to write about but now that I am, there isn’t much that will do to give it justice. I found myself staring without concern to how it must look to the current residence. I wondered if they knew that next to the refrigerator under a few coats of paint there are penciled measurements of my growth. I wondered if they knew there was a pet fish cemetery in the backyard.  I wondered if they knew about my thinking spot outside the window on the roof. I also wondered if they ever thought about the people who lived there before. My guess is probably not.

It’s a great thing to drive through the neighborhood that forged a lot of what I am today. Unfortunately at the entrance there is a large construction advertisement and Heritage Glenn has been bought by a business park development and soon it will all be gone. Every tree, every house and every quirky thing in this 1970’s subdivision will soon be replaced by two large buildings and a parking deck only leaving these memories behind. I guess that is what happens so I am grateful for the chance to visit one more time.

Up ↑