Jones Halloween Cans….Just don’t chug it

Well, it’s that time of year again. The mid September temperatures have become noticeably cooler, Matt Caracappa’s site X-Entertainment has kicked off the fifth annual Halloween Countdown and stores have now started stocking costumes and spooky treats to insure no malicious tricks. This year also brings a new fun treat for me with the much anticipated Jones Halloween Sodas. Every year these sodas embody what Halloween should be and that is pure campy fun no matter if the flavors are nectar of the Gods or the shit of Satan. They come in many flavors that are separated by bottles and mini cans. Today I am going to try some of the canned flavors and show my reaction.

First on the list is “Gruesome Grape” and I am going to go out on a limb and say this is just grape soda. The can is pretty cool with it being all grapey. That was the stupidest sentence I have ever written. I wish Jones came up with something cooler than grape soda. Next year, have a Dr. Frankenstein combination of grape and clamato juice soda. Now that’s Halloweeny. Let’s have a look at the taste test.

Gruesome Grape was what I thought so now onto the soda that really pulled one over on me. I have never been a fan of anything artificially flavored strawberry. I don’t know why but it never seems to really hit the spot where I say, “now that’s strawberry!” I think it’s because I actually ate a Strawberry Shortcake doll when I was much younger. Still drinking age but much younger. Back to the point. I really dug the Jones Strawberry/Lime soda, “Strawberry S’Lime”. Here is a photo depiction of skepticism turned approval.

With Ronnie James Dio’s help, I express my approval for Jones “Strawberry S’Lime” sode. Maybe it was the lime or maybe my expectations for anything strawberry were just very low. What ever the reason is, I like it. That’s enough for me to give three spins in socks on linoleum for it and that’s a good thing. On to my most anticipated soda; “Lemon Drop Dead.”

Anything lemon/lime makes me pretty darn happy. If Sprite could cure cancer I am pretty sure I would die from something else. (That’s another dumb sentence.) So the flavor “Lemon Drop Dead” was something right up my alley. Enough with the talk, let’s drink some!

Holy shit that was sour! I didn’t see the sour warning on the side of the can. I swear my right testicle was suck up and I had to be dropped Indian style off the couch. All I can say to describe it is, imagine chugging pure lemon juice and then have someone stick their thumbs right behind where your jaw meets the bottom of your ear and press in. GNGAAA!

Last and definitely least I present to you the pride of what Jones company does best and that is to make unnatural flavors. Here is “Candy Corn” soda. Like the Thanksgiving assortment, Turkey and Stuffing soda, I am expecting this to be pretty harsh. Here we go.

That actually happened after I drank the Candy Corn soda. But don’t worry, the face is back to normal. Much like poor Marty, it was just a hallucination. Mine was from ester gum and yellow 5, not evil spirits, though. This was a can of funk but I still love it for what it is, a Halloween awesome novelty. Only in America can you get a soda, hate the taste but drink it anyway because the can is aces.

Well, thank you Jones Soda Company! You did it again and it wouldn’t be the Season of the Witch without you. Whether the flavors are enough to make me high-five myself or make me tear my face off, you have a spot in my heart. Next week I’ll try the bottles but the cans get an A. Good job and I can’t wait for the Holiday pack in November.

September 20, 2007 5

Beer, Bama, And Carrot Eating Dogs

Yesterday after the Alabama game and possibly 30 beers under the belt each, my buddy and I began to debate whether the age of information is good or bad. Of course like any moderate conservative I took the road of good but with limitations. By limitations I mean no kiddie porn or access to bomb making secrets. Other that, anything goes. My buddy felt that information made so easy will keep kids socially inept and eventually lead to a class divide in which the people who “can’t do” post videos that will sway weak minded people into believing 9/11 was an inside job or something like that. Like I said, many beers were had.

I won him over after a few minutes of debate. I don’t know how this debate started or why but I put it all on the line by thinking of the most random thing possible to show him that freedom of information isn’t dangerous, it is American. So to prove my point I typed in a dog…with my name (Bill)…eating a carrot. This is what came up.

The dog’s name was Bill. Debate over.

September 17, 2007 8

I’m No Picasso

I can honestly say my Mom has never willfully departed with anything from my childhood. It’s not that she is a pack-rat but I think that the action of throwing something away is more like throwing out memories. But this Fall the folks are having their basement professionally finished and they are forced to purge a lot of my old stuff. I don’t know what I have down in their basement but I asked the parents to keep what they think I would want and send me some books I had. So they did. Here are a few and they came with something I haven’t thought about in many years.

The first on the list is this gem that back in 1982 cost a whopping quarter from a garage sale. I think this book has a lot to do with my love of sharks. I can’t remember much from ’82 but I remember taking this book everywhere. Reading this 17 page book doesn’t take me back as much as what is on the blank inside cover.

Holy shit, I can believe I have forgotten about my obsession with drawing on the inside of books. I see the movie Return Of The Jedi really made an impression because this is obviously the Rancor and if you look hard enough you can see Luke and Vader doing something. I like to believe they are throwing the Rancor dog treats between filming. Hey, it’s my art.

This one is a little bit more on topic. Inspired by the great whites in the book I present to you a diver-stormtrooper immersed in shark infested waters. His cage looks a little cramped but it’s cool because he is obviously a yoga instructor too. As for the sharks they are at least recognizable as what they are; sharks. My personal favorite is the one on the bottom. It looks like the poor guy has a touch of the downs syndrome. Apparently his Mom didn’t lay off the booze and pot while pregnant. (This post just gets weirder and weirder)

I don’t have many memories of Hucklebug but apparently I looked through it because it is full of my doodles. That sounded funny. Anyway, I remember having this book with me when I was strapped in a car seat while driving through the mountains of Yellowstone. I was looking at the pictures when carsickness overtook and i yarfed pink Neco-wafers all over the window. It’s funny what you remember. I think about that when ever I see people eat neco wafers.

Good God there is a lot of crazy in this picture. But I have to hand it to myself, I have never seen a stormtrooper without his shoes on. There is one thing for sure, I sucked at drawing feet and guns. I do like the bird and whatever that thing is to the right, though. I want to say it’s an octopus. What do you think?

If you have read my previous posts you know I think Richard Scarry is the cat’s pajamas. Here is proof that I was a Richard Scarry fanatic and it is full of crayon marks that are way outside the lines. The Best Rainy Day Book Ever is what it says and I loved this book like a fat boy loves burgers. There are many connect the dots and colorless pictures for one to fill in but that wasn’t enough to keep me occupied. I had to take it to the next level and add my own art skills to what I thought Dick missed.

I think I knew I was destined to fly planes because as you can see, I wanted nothing to do with helicopters, blimps or balloons. I likes the planes and I even added a oxygen mask to the bear in the jet just to make it more “Top Gun” like. As you can see I tried the balloon but quickly gave up. They just never seemed very fun. Even to color.

Anything in water needed a shark and it must have been close to Halloween because the mice are rocking a pumpkin. Actually there are a lot of pumpkins littered all over this book. I think they are just easy to draw. I must say that at first glance that fin looks pretty big next to that boat but looking closer you’ll see that it is full of mice. So, those proportions are correct! I wasn’t a total monkey on a math problem.

See? Pumpkins everywhere, even on a hippo’s ass. Honestly, this had no comedic intention. I really thought this was a good spot to put a jack-o-lantern. So maybe I was a monkey on a math problem after all.

Another shark book to defame! I swear I have over 50 books about sharks. I actually tried to major in marine biology in college but found that the effort was too great. So my only knowledge of sharks come from the discovery channel because no matter how many books I have, the pictures were all I paid a attention to. But that’s okay because the pictures inspired my own artwork like this monstrosity below.

I promise this is the last one. I can’t even begin to describe this because it is really all over the map. It is obvious that this was before my other drawings because the sharks suck more than the ones before. I mean, I had to improve over the years, right? Well anyway, I obviously never took the advise of many How To Draw Sharks books the folks gave me. I think they were trying to tell me something.

Well, I will leave you with that. Seeing these books bring back memories that have been long lost. I’m glad I had the chance to see them and I am even more glad I drew in them. It’s like a look into my mind when I thought there really were Smurfs living in the backyard and there was a very good chance that when I grew up I was going to join the Rebellion against the Galactic Empire.

September 14, 2007 6

Workin’ Out With Joan Lunden!

I like to work out. I’m no gym rat but I consider myself in relatively good shape. I have a membership to the local health club and run at least two to three miles everyday. You know, not an olympian but I don’t pass out from climbing stairs. But lately I have become a little complacent with my workouts and really felt the need to change it up. This is a little embaressing to admit because I was a Muscle Physiology major and a personal trainer for many years. I certainly couldn’t turn to some meat-headed trainer that can’t even touch his own ears and was certified with the help of Speak and Spell. No, I need to change to something that will shock the system and have people asking, “Bill, what’s your program, man? You’re ripped!” What could it be…..?

Joan Lunden to the rescue! This is definitly where no man should go but desperate times calls for 1980’s morning anchor measures. But before I can hit muscle failure, pray to the Gods of Physical Fitness for mercy and lose my lunch to the comforting voice of Good Morning America, I need to prepare by getting in the mind set to work out with Joan herself. But really before all that I need a beer. After all, I need to carbo load!

After firing up the VCR and inserting Workout America I am graced by a quick one on one with the queen herself! Joan gets personal with just me about the trials and tribulations of childbirth, stress at work, and the fact that it has been an uphill battle shedding 40 pounds. Even though she has been off the air for years, it’s strange to see her out of the suit and into a lee-a-tard. It’s like seeing your high school teacher in a swimsuit and there is something just creepy about that. But all apparell aside, Joan Lunden was only a focus in my life when there was a chance that school would be cancelled because of snow. My mom always had Good Morning America on before I left for the bus stop but I only paid attention to the scrolling list at the bottom of the screen, looking desperatley for Mt. Bethel on the closed list. If it was, Joan Lunden was the recipiant of kisses and TV hugs. If it was not , she was promptly cursed. It’s not even like shooting the messenger. She just took the blame. Sorry Joan.

It’s go time! The work out starts with the old “walk in place” while Joan, three fit chicks and one fitness expert, Barbara Brandt, start the motivational chat. Barbara reminds me of the typical super mom/ PTA leader/ aerobics instructor/ trophy wife. The type to send your mom a Christmas card, bragging about herself and family while subliminally calling her fat. A real bitch. At least she is good at what she does; making you walk in place, clapping, and being totally oblivious to the fact you that look like a fuckstick. But if clapping and walking will stop the monotony of my workouts then bring it on! I wonder what else she has up her sleeve?

Joan and Barbara have oldie but a goodie up their sleeve. That’s right folks! I’m doing The Charelston with the blinds closed. Hrm….the beer is kicking in so maybe I will open them. I can’t believe it but the pain session is just old dance moves combined with signature pelvic thrusts. It is akward to hear Barbara call the thrusts, ” female muscle thrusts” but it is even more disturbing to hear Joan back her up with a “We know what those are for!”

It’s hard to believe that I am starting to sweat the beer I am drinking but hell, I think this is working! I feel pretty funny dancing like a flapper girl and slapping my thighs but whatever. I like who I am and if Joan Lunden is making me sweat than that is great. I’m going to a wedding in a few weeks and you better believe that these dance moves are in the bag for later. Except for the jerk. I can see me trying to explain that.

“No, no…it’s not gay! I learned it from a Joan Lunden workout tape!”

Well ladies and gentlemen, we’re not used to getting our news from this end. Actually this is a side rarely seen on Good morning America. But I guess it is a testament to the effectiveness of Barbara’s ancient dancing and clap-happy moves. clap-happy
BEAT YOUR FACE LUNDEN! I’M GOING TO TEAR OFF YOUR EARS, PUT THEM IN YOUR BACK POCKETS AND KICK YOU ASS IN SUROUND SOUND! yOUR SOUL BELONGS TO JESUS BUT YOU ASS BELONGS TO ME!

The push up! I can’t believe it but I am doing push ups with Joan to the music of a sony keyboard demo button! What kind of a world am I living in? I really think I am starting to push my luck now that I find myself being coached to squeeze my pelvic muscles while preforming push ups. I hope we move to abs soon. No one likes to feel like a weinie and I am starting to feel like a stay at home mom.

Well, I finished all the excercises like a true champ. I even had to stretch for the final minutes while listening to the  ladies go on and on about how great it is to release the stress from their bodies. I must say that I feel much better. Maybe it is the six pack of Sam Adams talking, but I feel fit and firm.

But what the Fuck? This isn’t what I wanted! I can’t have these! Barbara and Joan gave me child bearing hips!
                                                                                                                                                     You see what happens when you break out of the norm and try to be creative? You get chick hips. That’s worse than man boobs, cankles and pooch combined! Thanks a lot Joan Lunden. I thought you were ok until this happened.

Well that concludes it. I am going to stick to what works. The same old boring thing. I can’t rely on old icons of the eighties to give a new perspective on life. But I did find out one thing. You should never throw out the “fat pants.”

September 11, 2007 15

It’s German For Noisy Ghost

I watched this again while digging through old VHS tapes. Every time it comes on TV I can’t help but watch it. So, for anyone who hasn’t seen it, here you go. I don’t do it justice but I still feel like writing a quick little overview. You are welcome. That’s when you come in with the thank you, by the way. I kid.

Today’s pick is a movie that made me fear spoons, closets, clowns, trees and empty swimmming pools. This movie is responsible for a hike in the electric bill from leaving the hall light on and sleepless nights counting the seconds between the lightning and thunder. By now most can guess what movie I am talking about but if not, I believe it is one of the best classics Steven Spielberg and Tobe Hooper could have accomplished. It’s Poltergeist.

Yep, this movie really didn’t convince people they were possessed or caused miscarriages like The Exorcist did but damn did it pop in the head around 10:00 at night. Set in the early eighties in a perfect suburban neighborhood, (just like the one in E.T) the Freelings were the envy of any family striving for the American dream; three kids, hot wife, huge house and a wood-panel station wagon. The only strange thing is their three year old daughter talks to the TV when it is tuned to UPN. Oh yeah, and the dog barks at the wall, the silverware bends, glasses break, funiture stacks by itself on the kitchen table and there is a 6.5 rickter scale earthquake that only effects their bedroom. Besides that everything is ship-shape. All I have to say is if I saw bent forks and spoons and my child was playing 20 questions with TV static I would move. No shit. I would move. Well they didn’t and of course things went from whimsical to pure evil.

That’s right! While Diane and Steven Freeling were smoking pot and practicing the three meter board jumps from the bed, Robby is eaten by a tree, Carolann is eaten by the closet and the oldest, Kristiane is eating…..and screaming. Actually she eats and screams through out the whole movie. When Steven and Diane’s mellows were harshed they sprung into action to wrestle Robby from the mouth of the evil tree and tornado. I know…tornado.
Can you imagine reading this screen play? Earthquake in the bedroom, tornado in the backyard, trees swallowing kids! I think if this movie was in production today it would be doomed to be a TNT original. But thanks to Speilbergs touch and Tobe Hooper’s macabre twist it’s a winner.
Were was I? Oh yeah, so they are coming to grips that they have a paranormal something or other happening in their house and they need to get help because their youngest daughter, Carolann has been sucked into the closet and is now only audible on TV. Try explaining that to Bill O’Rielly. So Steven goes to the local University, looking pretty rough, and invites paranormal investigators to help out. I enjoyed this part the best. Their professional demeanor was so cocky until they saw the kid’s bedroom. I would imagine most egos of that profession would deflate when you see he-man riding a horse, the bed flipping and a flying record being played by a compass. Or was that a protractor? Anyway… You can almost hear the old lady shit herself. Great scene.
With out telling the whole movie word for word, the situation proves to be too much for this team to handle after the the nerdy white guy, Marty gets bit by something after the dumbass trys to go into the the kids room, they find out there is a port hole to the next demention, 10,000 ghosts walk downstairs and through the den and poor Marty gets fucked with again after a great Chee-tos advertismentand, halucinates eating maggots and tearing his face off. Long sentence. By the way…..why would you tear your own face off?

So in final desperation they bring out the big guns and hire a medium-pshycic-cleanser-dwarf to bring Carolann back from the clutches of dead people and clean the house. I must say that whoever cast this lady did a bang up job. Steven Freeling is sceptical of her abilities but she soon proves her talent by putting him in his place. I wonder if she is someone’s grandmother? That would fuck you up. “All children…come in for supper…alllll are welcome.” sheesh…
So now it is time for battle and armed with tennis balls, rope and a bath tub full of water they go to the closet of “by location” to grab Carol Anne from the clutches of the pissed off dead. With coaching from the midget/cleanser, Dianne and Steven “rock, paper scissors” to see who would eneter the closet and Stevens rock smashes Diane’s scissors, so in she goes. While supported by rope held by her husband the midget pulls a 180 and starts to chant for all to enter the light. Without suprise, Steve-o flips out thinking the phycic is fucking up and starts to pull too early. And he reeled in a paper-matche head. I guess it was a skullish demon, but to me it was art class circa 1987. It was ok because Diane made a winning grab and with Carol Ann in arms, fell out of the portal covred in pink after-birth. For a moment there is tention because because the two were unresponsive and worst yet not breathing. So into the tub and wouldn’t you know it? That was the trick! With a gasp of air the family was reunited and the midget cleanser had to declare, “this house is clean.”

You remember when President Bush declared victory in Iraq a few years ago? Yeah, same thing here. The house was far from clean. Like all great horror movies, the Freelings seem to be back to normal. No need for intense psycho therapy. In fact they deside to spend one more night in the house that less then a few days ago tried to kill them. It seems like the normal thing to do but E.Buz the dog knew, don’t take a bath or sleep without the closet light on in a house that has a history of haunting. And for God sake, don’t have a freaking clown doll that everyone knows will come to life. Well, the shit hit the fan and the ghosts really gave it their all. Diane was strapped to the cieling, the closet became a suck hole again, the toy clown tried to eat Robby, caskets jumped from the ground and Steven is at the bar telling his “no shit, there i was” stories while the bar tender cut him off. Steve comes home to shit twice and scream while kicking his boss repetedly in the balls yelling, “you moved the head stones but you didn’t move the bodies!”
Well, they escape. Sorry to ruin the movie but they drive away just as the house crumbles into an erie sustained light while all the gossiping neighbors come out to watch. The Freelings find shelter at the local Holiday Inn. Without possessions they retire to the room only to end the last scene with Steve pushing out the TV and shutting the door. Que the credits.

I’m not saying that this is the best movie in the world but when I first saw it I was seven and it stuck with me since. Actually I saw it during a church retreat. Only the Catholics can host a weekend full of churchy stuff then flush it all away on “scary movie night.” It was this or Gondi. I got more out of “Poltergeist.”
I’m tired. That’s all I have to say about this. I think i am going to jabber about Chevy Chase’s “Vacation” but for tonight I am done. I will leave you with me drinking tea.

September 4, 2007 6

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