Category: TV

Where Did You Go? Mothers

Man, it has been a while since I have written a “Where Did You Go” post. So, as I sit at the work station for Wake Forrest Medical School waiting for them to redo their entire database I think I will use this time to be productive. Let me pay homage to the ones who birthed some of the cinemas greatest characters. And by moms, I mean the ones I care about and probably no one else does.

Lane Meyer’s mom in the movie, Better Off Dead, is about as amazing of a character as you can get. Her complete absence from reality, alternative homemaking skills and her unrelenting sweetness makes her so enjoyable to watch I just wish she could have had more of a dominating role in the film. Let’s see…she wanted to cutback the grease of bacon so she boiled it, dressed as a reindeer on Christmas morning, bought Lane a stack of TV dinners for his Christmas present, improvised a recipe that was wet from the rain and cooked something to life, and invited the neighbors to dinner to welcome the new French foreign exchange student to America by making French food. You know…”fronch fries, fronch bread, fronch dressing..”? Simply amazing. She was perfectly balanced dumb, ignorant, crazy and sweet. She’s like the buddy’s mom in high school who you could get to buy you beer but never did because the thought of hurting her feelings was not worth the fun. I love her.

Played by actress Kim Darby, she has had a long career dating back to the 60’s and has been in many TV shows like Murder She Wrote (shocker) the 1970’s classic Fantasy Island and films to include a major role in True Grit with John Wayne and was Debra Strode in the hilarious Halloween: Curse of Michael Myers. She has been nominated for an Emmy and a few Golden Globes in her time and has had a long career teaching acting at UCLA. Currently she resides in LA and was married to James Stacy who was the bartender in the evil Disney movie Something Wicked This Way Comes. All in all, I know her best as that wack-a-do Mrs. Meyer who played an amazing role as mother to Lane and Badger Meyer, in Better Off Dead and that is why she is top of this list.

Oh boy Nancy’s mom, Marge Thompson, from the 1984 Nightmare On Elm Street was an inflatable dartboard when it came to being a parent but when it came to handling a child molester, she was got shit done. This chick lit the dude on fire and took his glove as a souvenir. It almost worked too had he not, you know, come back in the dreams of kids and killed them in their sleep. Doh!

The reason she is on this list is because of her complete naiveté and her love of all things vodka. Even when her daughter woke up from a nightmare in a hospital and produced the hat of Freddy Krueger, she was still in denial! Also she taught us the hazards of smoking in bed:

And doors can be used creatively.

The woman who played this drunken, twice killed, and living in denial mother is the great Ronee Blakely who almost won an Academy Award for her role in the movie Nashville, loosely based on the story of Loretta Lynne. She had been in a few films and TV shows through the 1970’s to 90’s but besides Nightmare to Elm Street, I only really care that she was in the Tales From The Darkside episode, “The False Prophet”, appeared in the forgettable 1987 Return to Salem’s Lot and sang back up vocals to Bob Dylan’s song “Hurricane”. Other than that, she will always be the lady who funneled vodka and sort of killed Freddy Krueger.

Diane Freeling from the movie Poltergeist is probably my favorite movie mom for a couple of reasons. One, she is just cool and hip. She seems like the mom who brings cupcakes to Carolann’s classroom, buy’s Robbie the cool sneakers that all the kids are wearing, makes sure Dana has condoms before she goes on a date because we all know she was pretty loose in the movie and remember to keep cold Coor’s beers in the fridge with tightly rolled joints for when Steve gets home from a hard day of work. Two, I love the way she didn’t lose her shit like I would have when this happened:

I would have “Hiesman-ed” over Carolann on my way out the door.

Diane Freeling was played by the beautiful JoBeth Williams and she is no stranger to brilliant acting. She made her debut just a couple of months before Poltergeist with Dustin Haufman in Kramer v Kramer and went on to do a number of big films like The Big Chill, Poltergeist II, and the Tim Allen abortion known as Jungle 2 Jungle. (Never trust a film, music group or insurance company with a number representing a preposition) Also she was most famous in the late 1970’s and early 80’s as her soap career as Brandy in the show Guiding Light. And know you know. Oh! And when I was looking up info on JoBeth the first site that came up was from Wikifeet; a whole site dedicated to celebrity feet photos.

We are going to end this one on a high note, folks! Good ol’ Doris from the movie we all love, Night of the Comet. She is the cliché mom we all hate. It’s obvious that she isn’t the birth mother to the two girls in the movie because she plays the role of a wicked stepmother to the T! Married to their dad who is a Green Beret on deployment to Honduras, she is throwing a comet party and letting every guy in the neighborhood get a free ride (if you know what I mean). Well, the youngest smart-ass girl gets a little pissed off when she sees her stepmom flirting with the neighbor, Chuck, and lets loose with one of the greatest lines in cinema history: “Jesus, Doris. You were born with an asshole you don’t need Chuck.” That line resulted in this series of events.

The lesson? Don’t slap in a punching contest. But don’t worry, Doris gets turned into Tang right after this scene.

Doris was brilliantly played by Sharon Farell and what a ride this lady had! She has been in Hollywood acting since 1959 and has been on such shows as My Three Sons, Matlock, THE VERY FIRST EPISODE OF ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS, Freddy’s Nightmares and Emergency. Her movie roles were pretty extensive too but besides Night of the Comet the only other one I really care about is It’s Alive where she played the mother to Satan. Which, if this was another blog that would have taken the cake for her movie-mother roles. But not this one so go suck one!

I’m sorry. Don’t do that. You know I love you.

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Hardnose Hatcher

I always wait to pull the Holiday trigger after Matt does at X-Entertainment and though it feels early, I am already in full swing. This time of the year gets busy fast so if I want to squeeze all the fun in the season, it has to start now. But much like a sixth grade Sadie Hawkins dance, it’s hard to get the party started. How can we kick off the” Thanksmas” celebration? I think I will dissect a little McDonald’s holiday commercial from the Thanksgiving of 1987. If you don’t know her you soon will. “Hardnose” Mrs. Hatcher.

Long ago, when I was a kid, the McDonald’s corporation actually had decent, heartfelt commercials that were not only catchy but had cute messages like appreciate your teachers, don’t count out the elderly and having a part time job at McDonald’s was something your five year old would be proud of. Today, well, we have Happy Meals in bags with apples and Ronald McDonald does yoga while pitching child-size bottled water. Life today is devout of story and only filled in with sound bites and catch phrases. I miss the days of “Hardnose” Mrs. Hatcher.

This commercial will always be a holiday classic because it has been preserved in a VHS copy of the Claymation Christmas Special that aired on CBS back in 1987. The story is about a tough teacher from the perspective of a third grade class. They sing this cute song to the tune of the McDonald’s 1980’s theme “Good time for the great taste of McDonald’s” and explain what a total bitch she can be. As you can see above, she is shooing way the token ass-kisser of the class. Everybody was an equal maggot in Mrs. Hatcher’s class.

She paces the aisles of the classroom like Darth Vader, demanding to open the text books to a certain page or face a probable fate of a public chastising. The look of intimidation is reflective of the faces of the kids. Mrs. Hatcher has a standing rule of absolute no fuckery.

No matter what the excuse, like the legitimate “homework flew out the bus window” line, it doesn’t hold water with Mrs. Hatcher. She knows that homework only is eaten by dogs. Her ancient Kulu Flatchu “Stare of Truth” brings this lad to his knees, confessing the fact that he didn’t do it. One thousand knuckle push-ups in the back of the classroom!

The only reprieve from “Hardnose” Hatcher was an occasional substitute  teacher. The collective sigh and low-fives clearly express the constant tension and standard these kids are expected to uphold.

But soon the ways of Mrs. Hatcher prove to have an ulterior motive as inspiration and determination showed the kids that they can achieve anything through hard work. Hard work and an occasional hickory lashing on the side of the school building. (that’s on the extended studio release) When things got tough, she made them stick to it. As seen above, it appears that Jimmy Sad-Face finally mastered the dreaded cursive “Z”. Mrs. Hatcher maybe a “hardnose” but she was also a softheart. (God shoot me)

At thirty-seven seconds into the commercial we reach the last day of school and all the kids may have whip scars and calloused knuckles but hell if they haven’t mastered long division! The kids have a “Hardnose Hatcher” day of appreciation at the local McDonald’s as the class bitch announces exactly what they gave her from the menu. I think this was the #two on the menu back in ’87 but Mrs. Hatcher demanded that no cut-corners will ever be tolerated so she had to spell out the prehistoric McDLT, drink and fries. Mrs. Hatcher was pleased.

But we aren’t quite done yet. The third grade class still had one more parting gift for their teacher. Jimmy Sad-face is elected to present a t-shirt with everyone’s signature to her with the tear-jerking words “we’ll never forget ‘cha”. Jimmy Sad-Face isn’t thrilled with his name but it beats his second grade name of Jimmy Shit-His-Pants.

What’s this? “Hardnose” Mrs. Hatcher has the capability of emotion? It’s okay, Mrs. Hatcher. The year is over. Feel free to crack your horsey smile just once. The kids deserve a little peek at what’s behind that tough exterior. Summer is long to a third grader and next year is the big world of fourth grade. Your sweaters and lipstick stained coffee mugs will be a distant memory.

So, in just a over a minute we covered an entire school year and the legacy of “Hardnose” Mrs. Hatcher. It’s funny to look back at this because in 1987 I was the age of a third grader… I think. I remember watching this with an empathetic nod as the kids are forced to devote the third grade to Mrs. Hatcher when the next door class had the hot twenty-three year old fun teacher. I think everyone of us has had a “Hardnose” Hatcher. And in all honesty, they are the ones that we remember the most.

You just read a breakdown of a commercial from 1987. Feel good about that? I am sorry. If you have a spare minute you can watch it below and have the tune in your head till 2087.

Guess what??? It’s that time of the year again and Thanksmas season means that VeggieMacabre.TV has now switched gears. Come check out the new layout and soon all the X-Mas adventures will begin.

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What the What?

I know, right? I didn’t get the memo that Halloween is coming up in just a few short days. Man, these past weeks have been so busy and unfortunately, it hasn’t been for the spooky better. No, it has been a whole lot of work but as a guy in his thirties, what would one expect? So let’s recap what was so great about the season and then I will give you a little peak at what I have been working on for the next two seasons.

If you have not been living in a bomb shelter under the sea then you know the second season of AMC’s The Walking Dead is in full motion and it as intense as ever. I really can’t think of a better zombie epic story (word jumble!) than this one and there are a couple of reasons for that.

  1. The character development. I know that cliché characters can be drawn early in this series but as the story progresses we find out that not all of these people represent the masses. It is survival. The weak step up, the strong fall, the heroes become villains and the kids…well…they die too. It’s a realistic view of humanity.
  2. The story. We all know that the probability of a zombie apocalypse is remote. Okay, impossible, but as a guy it is fun to think about! This particular outcome is as believable as it gets. It is hopeless and as a viewer, we feel the same desperation as the characters because the world is ending and there is no way out.
  3. The Zombies. Holy Hannah! I know special effects are light years ahead of Day of the Dead but these zombies of The Walking Dead are amazing. It is crazy to think of the actors  behind these creatures. The makeup and movement make these things truly terrifying and while they don’t haul ass like the remade Dawn of the Dead, they are just as formidable. For the first time watching a zombie movie, I really felt like these things are unstoppable and will, at the end of the day, win.

The 2011 Fall beer review went okay. I am still not done posting these because I have two videos and a surprise guest to help me delve into my favorite picks so hopefully by Monday, the 31st, I will have all of them up and finished. But I think when you see what I have in store for Thanksgiving and Christmas you might just pass the reviews. Anyway, I failed miserably on a few because they aren’t even available to buy anymore. My fault! That was my fault. We will make it up to you. I swear.

So, what is next for the site and so on? Well, if you care to know I have been hard at work redoing a lot of what I didn’t care for during the Halloween season. This site (Veggiemacabre.TV) will be an interactive media site and will be reviewing quirky X-mas items and places. I have more time for these type of reviews in November and definitely in December. The Halloween train always slows a bit by now so luckily I have been distracted enough with CSS coding and Vince Gauraldi.

So, we have a final few days. I am busy right now working on some Halloween-ish stuff and I will post them up as soon as they are done. Be well and have fun this weekend. Remember to let Mom and Dad check your candy!

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Battle of the Paranormal Shows. We Have a Winner!

What the hell is going on with so many shows about ghosts and the paranormal lately? There are literally twenty shows that have some sort of investigative or first-person account of ghosts and hauntings right now in production. Actually, I bet I am low-balling that number. For the most part, I am pretty happy about these programs because, who doesn’t like a spooky tale this time of the year? There is nothing I like more than to get settled on the couch with a glass of brew, turn on a show that is mostly in night vision and learn about the history of an old inn or dilapidated hospital. To me, they are almost like history programs and the pay off of ghostly evidence is just a bonus. But of all these shows, there is only one that truly creeps me out. My Ghost Story.

You had me at "Warning".

Recently I have learned that the Bio Channel is not Lifetime. Honestly, I assumed Lifetime, WE, Bravo and the Bio Channel were all the same. Just since this past September did I learn that the Bio Channel is the deliverer of all things down right scary and it is because of the show My Ghost Story. Right away this program separates itself from the ridiculously dressed Ed Hardy figure, Zak Bagans of Ghost Adventures and the painfully boring Ghost Hunters, with words that will make me miss my mouth when playing a game of Cheez-it catch like “disturbing”. And you know what? A few of these episodes are a little disturbing.

I think what separates this show from all other types of paranormal shows are the real photographs and videos. I mean, take it for what it is. Any of this could be fake but after watching a few of these episodes I am hard pressed to believe that every one is a hoax.

The show has the real people telling you their experiences without actors or drawn out reenactments. There is no narrator or host but rather a simple text explaining who these people are and after their story, what the present situation is. More than not, their situation never gets better. I know this is selfish, but I like it better that way. Such a dick I am! The whole show has creepy ambiance that one can’t help but look over one’s shoulder, try not to peer at the dark windows and keep a close ear for any noises from upstairs. I am not going to lie, this show has been in my mind when the dog has to pee at 2am.

So, with so many paranormal shows out there, why is this the one that makes me want to sleep with rosary beads? I think it is a combination of the first-person accounts with the witnesses and tangible evidence. The tales, whether true or not, are just unnerving. It seems that all the “ghost chaser” shows like Ghost Adventures and Ghost Hunters, there is too much emphasis on the crew and the spooky feeling is completely lost.  Lately, these shows are ether tear jerkingly boring or laughably idiotic. My Ghost Story may not make you a believer but I promise you, next time you are in a basement alone,you’ll want to stay away from the mirrors!

If you want to watch this, and I suggest you do, it airs pretty often on the Biography channel. Actually, this coming Saturday a whole new season starts. But if you can’t wait and want to know what I am talking about, there are full episodes on YouTube.

I love you YouTube. I like pina coladas and getting drunk in the rain. I am not into yoga and I have half a brain. Please marry me.

BONUS!

Here is another review from the Dundee Seasonal Pack. This time I try the porter and chat about my favorite horror selection for Halloween. Please excuse the babbling.

My finger looks like a ghost. Wait a minute…

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THIS IS…my dumb website

Man, a lot has been happening over here at VeggieMacabre.TV and the fun is far from over. If you care to check it out you’ll see there are a few changes but the Halloween theme is still the main focus until November first. I’ll be focusing on the annual beer reviews, spooky road trips, various video nonsense and pretty much anything that doesn’t reflect my age. And if you couldn’t tell that from visiting, then I am an astronaut who has an affinity for fine chinchilla-skin socks that I raise on a farm in the South Hamptons. Whatever.

As you can see a few menu items have changed including a “Say Hi Here” page and you really should say hi there. Seriously, say hi there and like it on Facebook. A lot.

Also I have changed the article page and turned it into an interactive book with links to various articles from today and years past. I fully intend to make this the War and Peace of the web. War and Peace if Tolstoy was into beer, horror and running. I don’t think he was, was he? Anyway, this is pretty cool and not too difficult to browse.

Tomorrow is when I rock the FIFTH annual Fall Beer Review. If I had a kid when I started these he/she would be talking and not shitting his/herself anymore. Stay tuned and wang-chung.

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