Category: TV

What Scares You?

  I had a long discussion with a friend of mine about what is truly scary. Being the one who initiated the question I sat there listening intently to his concerns and terrors. It turns out that his scares were a real downer. Not what I was going for. You know, cancer, losing a loved one, financial fallout, career ending events….real stuff. When he was done he posed the same question to me and I simply nodded and listed the same. But that wasn’t what I was going for. I was talking about odd fears and it was clear that we couldn’t salvage that discussion after he dropped the “c” word. Cancer, not….you know. Anyway, this is what I was going for so now you will know.

Jim Henson’s serious muppets. I don’t like muppets that aren’t funny and I feel that their lack of punchlines are Satan’s work. I can’t describe it but I get the heebs just watching them. I think it is a gut feeling more than anything. Sort of like eating something that has expired and no matter how good it looks you know there is something off. That’s how I feel about drama muppets. Except for Fizzgig. I like Fizzgig.

This was the first truly terrifying moment in cinema for me. In 1985 my parents took me to see Ghostbusters and I still remember having the confused notion that this was a biker movie. I don’t know what goes through a 7 year old’s head that biker = ghost busting but who knows? Regardless of my expectations, within 10 minutes it became clear what Ghostbusters was when the free floating, full torso apparition changed into that thing above. I was so scared my feet fell asleep. Actually I believe they fainted. That scene took the innocents away from the movies for me. Before then the only shocker was Bambi’s mom getting smoked. From 1985 on, I had my guard up in the theater to keep me from shitting myself like I almost did that day.

Jerry Stiller’s hands are that out of a science fiction novel. They haunt my dreams and plague my thoughts with such questions like, “where does he buy gloves?” and “can he fit those grabbers in his pockets?”. You may think this a silly fear but Mickey Mouse hands freak me out. Hrm…. maybe it is Mickey that scares me.

The process of giving and taking blood makes feel completely weak. It’s not the needle as much as the bend in the arm and I’ll tell you why. Many moons ago when I was a private in the Army, I was volunteered to attend a combat lifesaving course. Not knowing what I was in for I gladly accepted the challenge. It was a two day course involving every form of battlefield casualty and many splints where made by yours truly. But the last day was reserved for the fun task of pair up and giving each other IVs. I didn’t think too much about this until they gave us a box of tubes, needles, iodine swabs, bands and a bag of fluid. Our instructor? It was a VHS US Army instruction video from 1980. Soon we began the process of administering the IV and let me tell you, there was blood. Lot’s of it. People were passing out, heads were hitting the floor, and spurts that hit the ceiling. To this day the smell of rubbing alcohol invokes an arm jerk reaction that makes Rock Balboa look like the girl next door chucking a football. I know that maybe an exaggeration and a poor comparison but at least you are imagining Sly Stallone throwing a football like a girl.

This is a stretch but my heart would stop if it ever happened. Minding your own business, swimming in a lake, far far from the ocean when all of the sudden a great white bites you. Think of the disbelief! Ever since Jaws, and I’m not alone on this, just swimming in a pool can bring up thoughts of teeth and fins. But really, the green hue of a man made lake, muddy bottoms and unsuspecting bathers really makes for a great movie. I know Bull sharks live in lakes and rivers as well as the ocean, but I talking about the big guy. The white death. I need to write to Spielberg.

Still a little freaked out by this. Nuclear war is far from most people’s mind but not mine. Not since seeing Sarah Conner’s dream.  It makes you wonder if anyone in the 50’s knew that hiding under your desk just wouldn’t cut it.

You see? I couldn’t talk about these irrational fears with anyone but you. Thanks for listening.

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Where Did You Go 2

  Ok, so I’m not done with my list of people that have ducked out of the limelight as I know it. Sorry this took more than a week to post but work is an SOB lately. I know it’s an accuse and people with far more responsibility manage to post when they say they will like my pal Kristiane but Hell, at least I am doing now. So without further ado I present to you some others that I ish we would see more often.

Art Evans, mang! This guy was a key element in defeating the terrorists in Die Hard 2 and was a pretty shitty detective that completely blew off Charley Bruster in Fright Night. His demeanor was always one that commanded at least 35% of a viewers attention. We acknowleged  him but when he shows up in other movies the brain goes into the “where have I seen him before” mode. Personally I think Die Hard 2 would have sucked without the charm of Art and his quick witted line, “where are you going to get those lights? Borrow them from Batman?”.

Stephen Geoffreys was best known for his character Evil Ed in Fright Night.  Every time I saw this movie I couldn’t help but become a little annoyed with him as Ed. That is until he was bitten and turned into a vampire with really exaggerated teeth. I mean he could eat apples through a picket fence. His vamped character was spot on, man. Spot on. But with all that going for him, Steve took a different career road than budding actors. He went straight to the hard core gay porn industry. No shit. Some of his later movies were (and I’m not making this up) Butt Pirate, Latin Crotch Rockets, Seamen In Training, and Leather Buddies. Well, what ever floats your boat or in Stephen’s case, beats your banana. Good for you Steve. I’m glad you are who you are.

Who you callin’ Dicknose? Jerry Levine is that sarcastic guy you just can’t help but love. My earliest memory of Jerry was his character in Iron Eagle as Doug Masterson’s buddy. They had kind of a weird trifecta friendship between them and their token black friend, Reggie. Really? Reggie? But again I digress. Jerry has been in many great films including his major role in Teen Wolf which told all us teens to be popular we must exploit our friend’s differences to give meaning to ourselves. Jerry is now a director for the funniest show on TV, Always Sunny In Philadelphia. I knew he was funny. He just needed a better agent.

Damn, I need to finish this later on tonight. The one fucking coffee shop that has wifi has just been invaded by mother fucking high school drama students. I hate all these kids. I hate drama kids. Drama college students are cool. Drama high schoolers are seriously unbearable. Too loud, to dramatic (no shit) and all annoying. I’m not even going to spell check this. It’s so funny to hear how hard life is to them. seriously? Declaring themselves bi-sexual? in a coffee shop? Fucking little assholes. I hope a there is a prom knock-up soon in their future. Hee….

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Where Did You Go?

I’ve always had a fascination with obscure stars that leave Hollywood and assimilate themselves with us “normal” folk. I believe it started when I was in San Diego minding my own business at a Holiday Inn lounge. I turned to my left and wouldn’t you know it, i was drink a beer next to Emerson Hart, the front man for the band Tonic. This was well after their popularity dipped to almost zero. So, just like the tactful jackass I am I said, “i liked that video when you were getting punched repeatedly…..remember that?” Who am I, Chris Farely? He was pleasant enough to say yes and thank you. I bought him a gin and quit while I was ahead. That meeting inspired me to keep the spotlight on more obscure stars that most people never think about.

Atreyu and what’s his face. I am going to start with Atreyu. His real name is Noah Hathaway and from what I gather on the Wiki world he can kick your ass six ways to Sunday. His hobbies range from tat’s to martial arts to professional motorcycle racing. In his younger days he was the prettiest boy I ever did see and on the playground being called Atreyu was not a compliment. I think Noah realized this and did a 180 when he turned 21.

Get the fuck outta here!

Good ‘ol what’s his face. Actually it’s Barret Oliver. He will always be immortalized in The Never Ending Story, D.A.R.Y.L., and Tim burton’s, Frankenweinie. At times I find myself quoting him when I am out to lunch with others. I take a bite of my sandwich, and with a half full mouth say, “No…not too much. We still have a long way to go.” If there is anyone who has not seen The Never Ending Story it leads to severe awkward looks. I think Barret is a professional photographer in LA now. Good for him. If you can’t be in the shot you can at least take it.

Danny Cooksey. This guy brings back so memories from his short time on Diff’rent Strokes as little Danny. The cute innocent kid that managed to get kidnapped by the family that recently lost their own son. To this day I don’t talk to strangers. Thanks Danny!

He was also in MacGuyver and sporting a mullet in Terminator 2. I guess he turned to metal when he grew out of his cute because he has been in and out of rock bands since the 90’s. Last I heard he was in a band called Lucy’s Milk and married to a make up artist. I hope he goes back to the bowl cut. It suites him.

Gotta love this guy. Dabney Coleman has been in so many films and TV series that if I had a dollar for all of them I wouldn’t be writing this in a coffee shop…it would be on a boat. A big one. He’s still cranking them out too which is pretty incredible because he was born in 1932. I’m surprised he retains his lines! His most memorable roles for me was Cloak and Dagger, Tootsie, Muppets Take Manhattan, War Games and Lilo and Stitch: the series (don’t ask). It seemed to me that he was always in the Airforce. Does that ring true with anyone else? I guess it’s his persona that screams, “I’m grumpy but I am a softy”.

Rick Ducommun is quite possibly my favorite actor of all times. It had a lot to do with his character Art Weingartner in the movie The Burbs. I am in the process of writing a tribute article and a web page to The Burbs. Seriously. But I digress, I love this dude. I wish he was in more films because you just can’t help but smile when he is talking. Or eating.

I have no idea what Rick is up to today. I guess he went back to Canada but I am always waiting for his comeback. You can do it Ricky!

Oh Danny Schneider! Best known for Ricky in the great 80’s movie, Better Off Dead and the fatty nerd that thought he was the smartest dick in Head Of The Class. He’s still working hard as a writer and producer for Nickelodeon. He also has a rare collection of Bakelite radios. Now you can sleep easy knowing that. He hasn’t aged that bad. He still looks the same. Check him out now.

(oh… I’m an asshole)

I have a lot more. I actually have a couple of index cards filled with names that I’ll write later today. This is fine for now and I better get back to work before I get sucked away into blogland. Hope you enjoyed my list of missed characters. I’ll leave you with this.

R.I.P. Roy. I hope there are bigger boats in Heaven!

1932-2008

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TV Show Intro’s

They say smell is the closest sense to memory we have. To me I think my memories align with TV sitcom theme songs. I guess it was how I was raised as an only child but when certain shows from the 80’s come on I feel the need to get on the floor, face the screen less than a foot away, sit on my knees and drift into TV heaven where every episode had a moral lesson and every crisis lasted only 30 minutes. It is weird to think that Nell Carter’s voice can bring up memories of Fun Fruits.

These songs were really catchy too. I swear that if they came on the radio I would crank up the volume, singing every word without a care who was in the car. Even if I was carjacked the dude would have to shoot me before I changed Webster’s theme song.

Small Wonder wasn’t a huge show by any standard but to a third grader in the 80’s it was my world. God, I had such a crush on the girl who played the robot, V.I.C.K.I.. It’s kind of strange that I thought she was hot but in real life at school I truly thought girls were more or less bio-hazards. I guess they ranked about the same as Harriet. Oh goodness I hated her. I had fantasies that Vicki would punch the freckles right off her face. No such luck.

What would we do, baby? I never was too into Family Ties because, well, I never identified with the family. That song does bring up a little nausea, though. We were sitting in the family room watching Family Ties when I honked on my lap due to many many Samoa Girl Scout cookies consumed earlier in the day. To this day I can’t stand coconut, cookies with holes in the middle, the color purple, merit badges, or the Family Ties cowbell. Go figure?

One Day At A Time was on when I was still shitting myself and while I don’t have any real memories of this show I do remember my Mom playing this on the piano. Everyone confused her for Mackensie Phillips so she learned the theme song and sang it all the time. I guess she felt flattered by the comparison. Regardless I can taste Gerber peaches and smell the old ’71 Beetle when I hear this.

I still remember that this came on at 8 am on PBS. It’s not like I was down with reading or the fabulous book reporting the kids did or even the blind guy from StarTrek but this song means summertime. I have turned on this show many times in my bathing suit getting ready for a productive day of running through the sprinkler. Plus that synthesizer is just too cool. I still find myself imitating it even today. “beepee bop booo beeee pee bop pooo” I went a little too far, haven’t I?

Is there anyone in the world that doesn’t sing along with that? You can actually walk through the mall whistling “Charles In Charge’ and with in seconds some person with harmonize “….and our rights/nights.” Try it. I promise it will happen. If it doesn’t I will mail you a pink hat that says “Alamo” on it. I’m good for it.

This was mainly an after school show that involved me not studying Algebra and ultimately led me to a C. I never did thank Scott Baio for that. So, thanks Scott and after seeing your new show on VH1 I was right, you are a douchebag.

I loved this show when I was little. He was a pretty cute little kid and if George and Ma’am wanted to adopt a little bear cub that could talk this was as close to it as one could get. But I have a bone to pick with this show. My last name is Webster and most of the eighties and early nineties I was subjected to the same gay joke, “are you an adopted black midget?”. So, I owe the creators a thank you too. Thanks assholes.

Is there anything more one can say about ALF? Great show, good cast, funny puppet, and I was right at the appropriate age to really get into ALF. There was no shame in having Alf PJ’s or an Alf doll as a kid. In fact it was greeted with a tip of the hat and thumbs up among the peers. But recently I was watching an old episode and I had this uncomfortable sensation that I was in trouble. Then it hit me. Back when this show was popular I was a bit of a Hell raiser and about 8:10 on a Monday night, 1989, my teacher called to inform the folks that I was sent to the principals’ office for fighting. Can you believe a thirty year old guy’s heart jumps when the phone rings during Alf?

Nell Carter really wails, huh? I loved this show and I am not too proud to admit that if this was on a Karaoke list i would be all over it like Nell on a biscuit. OOOOOOH, I went there.

No real sensory driven memories about Gimme A Break but I just wanted to let everyone know I appreciated it. And I guess that will be all for now. I know there are a lot more like Growing Pains, Golden Girls, Empty Nest, C.H.I.P.S., Magnum PI, and….

Fuck me, I almost forgot Airwolf. This was the show I waited on all week. Even today when I am in a plane this song is on replay in my head. There is nothing cooler than this theme song and if anyone cares to argue you will be met with me plugging my ears, chanting”…I want to kill everyone, Satan is good, Satan is our pal..”

Ok, seriously. That is it.

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Bought The Farm In 2007

I don’t know why but every year that passes I reflect on those who are not here to see the new turn of the calender. Call me morbid, call me a sad sack, call me what you will but I always try to mention to anyone who will listen the great people who have died so that at least their spirit will be here to see 2008 arrive. Here are a few of the shocks of 2007 for me. I hope I can do them justice but if you read VeggieMacabre often enough you know I may be a little lowbrow.

Lady Bird Johnson: 1912 -2007. I don’t know too much about her life other than her thrust into First Lady status with her husband, the former President Lyndon Johnson. Every time a first lady passes I always think about the Secret Service guys/gals who have done something below standard in their career to have protection duty of a first lady. I imagine coming back to headquarters for reassignment maybe something like the pet detectives of the LAPD. It is an important job but it is still funny.

Coincidentally the dog on King Of The Hill, Ladybird, also passed away on the same day.

Evel Knievel: 1938 – 2007. I figured this guy was “circling the drain” but like any kid of the early eighties who had many Evel Knievel toys and t-shirts, it is always sad to see a legend die. They say he died of natural causes. I think it would have been fitting to see him do one more stunt and depart the Earth the way he should have done 1000 times before. They should have at least shot his casket over the Grand Canyon. (Now I am truly going to Hell.)

Calvert DeForest: 1921-2007. What a guy. He was a long time pop culture hero and a David Letterman favorite of mine. He always posed the question of gender to many people but to me it was always a question of teeth. First off did he have any and if he did, how small where they? Did he eat plankton? Well, at least this picture can clear up that question for me.

Joel Siegel: 1943-2007. This one turned me on my ear. Joel was always the voice of the cinema for me and by and large we agreed. Except he canned Beetlejuice and it was tough to talk dad into going after that review. Regardless, he was my favorite part of Good Morning America (sorry Lunden) and he left us much too early after losing the fight to colon cancer. I give cancer a thumbs down and a middle finger up.

Dick Wilson (Mr. Whipple): 1916-2007. “Can you squeeze it?” Another icon gone but not forgotten. He embodied the importance of sqeezey soft toilet paper that as a child, forced me to hug every package of Charmine to insure Mr. Whipple wasn’t full of shit. I was wondering how I would tie in toilet paper with shit and there you go.

Tom Poston: 1921-2007. This was unexpected too. I remember watching Newhart with dad in the livingroom while he did push-ups as I sat on his back. Besides of course “I’m Larry, this is my brother Daryle and this is my other brother Daryle” I only really remember Tom. He seemed like the one actor that was a really nice guy and possibly an ice fisherman. He just strikes me as one.

The Fabulous Moolah: 1923-2007. She was the female thunder of the WWE. Her thirty year career of semi-kicking ass led her to the longest title holder in any professional sport. Maybe it is the feminist in me but she could kick Sting’s ass any day of the week. When I was little I had Wrestling pals which were pillows with arms shaped like your favorite wrestler. The neighbors older sister was always Moolah and she repeatedly fucked us up to the point that I gave up any hopes as a career WWE wrestler. I just couldn’t get over that hump.

Brad Delp:1951-2007. Oh Brad, why did you have to leave us? Not like that! If you are not familiar with Brad Delp he was the master mind and beautiful vocalist for the band Boston. I will never forget listening to their first album and I was just blown away. That is really all I could say….blown away. If you don’t have that album go buy it. Go buy it right now and listen to it with headphones. It will change you.

Brad committed suicide. He left us with questions and no answers other than his talent not being recognized for what it was. I will admit when I heard of his tragic end I sat in my car and shed a few tears. He was my Lennon.

Robert Goulet:1933-2007. “Goulet!” I must admit that I was never a huge fan of Robert Goulet until Will Farrel’s SNL impersonation. Actually, anyone my age is probably in the same boat. I do remember him as the potential investor, Maxi Dean, in the movie Beetlejuice but other than that…nope. His legacy will live on through many elderly ladies who remember Robert on his Broadway hit, Hamlet. And of course many early 30 year olds who sing “The Thong Song” with Goulet vocals.

Yvonne De Carlo: 1922-2007. I know this picture doesn’t do her justice but this chick was beautiful. She (to me) was best known as her role on the TV series, The Munsters but her filmography stretches from here to Indonesia. She has been in more films including one of my favorite 1977 occult classics, Satan Cheerleaders. If you ever star in a movie with a title like that you will always be a star to me.

Tammy Faye *: 1942-2007. As far as TV evangelists Tammy was the most famous to me. I always thought of her as a pioneer in the plastic surgery field and there was something to be said for that because she was the most popular Halloween costume of the eighties. That maybe a stretch but in my neighborhood that costume didn’t lead to a bag full of raisins and pennies, I can promise you. I do feel bad because I saw her last interview and she looked so frail. I take everything I said back after that. I wonder where TV evangelists go when they die? They would kind of be old news up there, don’t you think?

Richard Jeni: 1957-2007. Another candle blown out too soon by his own accord. It always makes me especially sad when a comedian dies before their time. They spend most of their lives filling ours with laughter and joy and we never see it coming when they go. Apparently he was diagnosed with severe paranoia and depression and took his own life. I will miss this guy because his stand up is something to stand up for.

Dan Fogelberg: 1951-2007. Not a dude you can bang your head to but definitely a dude you could get laid to. That sounded bad. You know what I mean. His folk music was so melodic it would be instant death if you were driving through the night but in the right spot, nothing beats it. If the moon is right and if you hold your hand to your ear facing east, you will faintly hear me singing “Leader of the Band” on Karaoke night at Smith’s Old Bar. He passed from prostrate cancer just weeks ago. I hate cancer.

I know many others have been lost in 2007 but these few have impacted me in someway and I wanted to share. So in some conversation in the future, bring them up. Maybe they can still be with us in 2008 if nothing more than spirit and memories. I want to thank them all and send my deepest condolences to the families. You guys made life great before 2007 and will make it great for many years to come. That’s pretty cool when you think about it.

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