Where Did You Go…In Space?

Here I go again. Curiosity has taken the best of me and I find the need to ask what rational people never think about. Today’s “Where Did You Go” theme will be a space one. It’s funny to think that a lot of the movies back in the eighties were based off a magical box called a computer and through that unknown resource of technology anything was possible. Whether it was taking pieces of discarded junk to construct a spaceship, plug in a processor making the magic of space travel possible or start World war 3, computers made any story believable. But I digress. Actually, I don’t know where I was going with that at all. So without further ado, here are some Astronauts from the 80’s.

Joey Cramer from the Disney movie, Flight Of The Navigator. I swear that this was on HBO for 10 years straight when I was growing up. This was the only real notable role for Joey. He played David Scott Freeman, a kid who was abducted by an alien at 12 and returned back to Earth, only it was eight years later and he had not aged a day. For some reason he always struck me as a whiny little dick. “I wanna go back to my family…Jack gets all the attention…..You took me away from my family…but I want a Golden Goose….” Regardless, the one cool thing is the brief appearance of the Foot (Sarah Jessica Parker). I love the scene in reference to Twisted Sister when David asked, “who’s she?” Sarah replied, “It’s not a she it’s a he. Actually it’s a them…”

The Canadian born actor has not done much since Flight of the Navigator besides a few odd movies and a guest appearance on “Murder She Wrote”. He did win the Saturn Award for Flight of the Navigator so I guess that’s pretty cool. Where ever he is, he is 34 and I will not bet my life on it but here is a picture of him from 1996. The only one I could find.

I hope that is him. It’s from some off Broadway play but since then, I got nothin’.

We all know this movie! Like I said in the beginning, anything is possible with a computer and a Tilt-a-Whirl. Most people remember Ethan Hawk and the late River Phoenix but not me. I remember Jason Presson, the lesser known actor but the one I liked the best. Ethan was too much of a windbag in this film and River was plowing a pretty grotesque alien, so the only one left to respect was Jason Presson, (Darren Woods).

I guess Jason took a different road after The Explorers because River Phoenix and Ethan Hawk’s career really shot off. Since then he has stayed primarily with TV and lower budget films. But I do have to give him props for Gremlins 2. He hasn’t done much that I can find since 1997 but I did find a recent picture of him. I hope he goes back to film. We need more Pressons out there.

I remember seeing this movie, but I don’t recall the specifics. All I know is Larry B. Scott was in it. Whether his role was the token character or not, he is one of my favorite actors. I love this guy and I have been a fan since Iron Eagle.

Larry B. Scott played the role of Rudy Tyler, a science geek that fell short of a few essential skills like… understanding it. He was really an entrepreneur who loved french fries and dreamed of one day opening a restaurant in space. We are still waiting, Rudy.

Larry’s resume really stands alone from other recently obscured actors. His films include Iron eagle, Revenge of the Nerds, Karate Kid, Snake eater 2 and his debut movie, A Hero Ain’t Nothin’ But A Sandwich. I challenge anyone to bring that film up in a conversation. I have personally said it 10 times aloud and each time a couldn’t help but laugh. Love ya’ Larry! Here is a recent side shot.

Still a winner so many years later.

Hello Ally Sheedy! Goodness gracious she’s a hottie. I know I am drifting from the space theme but stay with me here. The movie War Games is about two teenagers who play with their computer magic box and the mystical, yet prehistoric Internet when the Web only had a few strings, and almost start a world war. I take the space theme because one, ICBMs go to space and two, I love Ally Sheedy. Two should be a good enough reason.

I think we all know how Ally has been but I just wanted to include her because I haven’t seen her around. Actually since she kicked her sleeping pill addiction I haven’t seen her in anything mainstream. The last project that I remember was when she played the ticket agent in Home Alone 2. That’s no place for a Goddess! Get you act together agents! Right? (crowd response- RABBLE! RABBLE! RABBLE!)

JINX the robot from Space Camp! Well, I can’t find a picture of him for the life of me so I will give you a clip of him in the most unrealistic scenario in cinema history.

Shame on you Tom Skerritt for being in this crap! But anyway, there is JINX. The robot that had a boy crush on Max (Joaquin Phoenix) granting his wish and shooting him into space. To me JINX sounds like a three year old with a trachiotomy. But what ever. If there was any truth to this movie I think we could currently find JINX looking like this:

Oh man, I have rambled through this one. Thanks for putting up with me. Now off to a meeting with Fuck stick One and Fuck Stick Two. Have a stellar weekend!

June 13, 2008 13

Where Did You Go? Part…4?

I think I am going to keep up with my inquiry into obscure actors and actresses that mean a lot to me. It’s fun to poke around the internet and find out that the co-star of a long lost great sitcom now owns a chain of TCBY’s around Delaware. Then again the same search can reveal the actor died from an asphyxiation fetish while jerking off in a Motel 6 off International Blv. in Orlando. Regardless it makes for interesting reading.

Tom Atkins has always been the symbol of masculinity for mid range budget 70’s and 80’s horror movies like The Fog, The Creepshow, Night Of The Creeps and of course the cinematic equivalent to a dump in a jar, Halloween III. He wears a tough exterior as the hero who is never far from the vices that bind him. I don’t think i have seen him in a movie without a drink in one hand and a cowboy killer in the other. If there is ever a reason to drop everything I have worked for in life, grow a mustache, move to Hollywood and pursue a career in acting it’s because of Tom Atkins. It’s Miller time!

Tom is still pretty busy these days. He has a list of movies that are still in post and pre production and has made quite a few TV appearances to include Walker Texas Ranger, The Fall Guy and Xena: Warrior Princess. He still resides in his home state of Pennsylvania and I really hope he’ll make an appearance at Screamfest 2008 in Florida because the chance of meeting him is the only real reason I am going.

This has always puzzled me. What did Jennifer ever see in Cousin Larry? She was way out of his league, don’t you think? Well, regardless the actress who played Jennifer is Melanie Wilson and she cranked my tractor, even when I was only eight. She had a long ride with the show “Perfect Strangers” and was also in a couple of other great shows from the eighties like “Simon And Simon”, “The A-Team” and the spin off “Family Matters”. I think she has been behind the scenes in a few other Hollywood projects but nothing after 2001. Little known fact, she is the daughter of the late “Mr. Whipple” from the old Charmin toilet paper commercials. Sorry for your recent loss, Melanie. Mr. Wilson was one of the greats.

Alice Drummond will always have a place close to my heart from that fateful scene in the beginning of Ghostbusters when she was the New York librarian who encountered that full torso, free floating, non vaporous apparition that made me shit my pants as a child. I still love her interview with Bill Murray which gave us the famous line, “Back off man. I’m a scientist.” She has been in many films and TV shows in her career and is still cranking them out today. It’s kind of funny that she is of grandmother age and shot an episode of “Boston Legal” called Ass Fat Jungle. Oh to be on set when the grip tells her, “scene 4, Boston Legal, Ass Fat Jungle take 2…..action!”

I feel a little bad about this, but until recently I have always known Alex Karras as Webster’s father, George Papadopolis and the dumb guy that punched out a horse in Blazing Saddles. It turns out he was also an All American college football great, an NFL legend for the Detroit Lions, a Monday Night NFL commentator and a professional wrestle. Hrm, who knew? I bet over half the population of America knows Karras as the NFL great and not George. That’s why I write this stuff!

On another point, don’t you find the character names strange in the show “Webster”? George Papadopolis, Katherine Calder-Young Papadopolis, Webster Long, and poor Heather O’Rourke didn’t even have a last name. Just Melanie. I am curious how those names came to be.

This was a pretty lame post, but I couldn’t leave the site on such a sad sack note.

June 9, 2008 27

A Tribute To Richard Condie

I have been meaning to do this one for quite some time. After my tribute to the artist Stephen Gammell, there has been so many hits on it I figured I should branch out to other artists I really like. So today I will be tipping the hat for Richard Condie, an artist who not only had a unique animation style but really captured the art of humanity. Growing up I would catch these cartoons from time to time and the absurdity of the characters kept my attention but it wasn’t until recently did I get the sociological lessons not only the characters played but the plot and setting too. They are smart, funny and at times bizarre but never dull.

Condie, a resident Canadian graduated from the University of Manitoba with a Bachelor of Arts degree and worked as an accomplished sociologist, musician and performer for a number of years. It wasn’t until 1971 when he was “fooling around” did he find his artistic outlet in the form of animation. Soon he made the short, Oh Sure thanks to a grant from the Canadian Counsel and it was later purchased by the National Film Board Of Canada. I’d say that was an ego boost to have your first film picked up.

I’m going to share some of my favorite shorts that Condie created. You have to keep an open mind because they are a little far out but that’s the magic. I’m so tired of the message of the story being handed to you. It always means more to me when it is hidden behind sentence fragments, strange voiced sound effects and characters that had to be created through drugs. Here’s the first one which is a later creation Richard did in 1991. The Apprentice:

I’m going to honest with you, I have no clue what that was about. But I do know I like it and that is all that matters. How often do you get to watch a cartoon and see a dragon burp up a dude’s head? Not often my friends and that is where the magic comes to life.

Condie’s creative animations also found a spot advertising for the Canadian Customs and Exercise Department warning travelers not to smuggle opera singing bird/gerbils. Now if the US government would get on board with ads like this I promise that the amount of smuggling, embezzlement, and international law bending would come to a halt. At least I would stop.

This one is my absolute favorite and the most memorable. It’s a great message about the absurdity of nuclear war, loving your spouse and sawing your cat. I love this to know extent and is the main reason I wanted to share Richard’s work with anyone who may have missed it. Here it is, The Big Snit:

“Always shaking your eyes!”

Since 1971, Richard Condie really has put Canada on the map for animation. His awards and accolades over the years have been in the hundreds and he has even been nominated for an Oscar and a Genie as well as many international film fest awards. There is no doubt he is one of the greats and once again, Canada has provided America with true comedy.

April 28, 2008 6

PSA’s That Taught Me Nothing

About a month ago my buddy Matt over at X-Entertainment wrote a great post about an old 80’s PSA add that warned kids of the hazards that drinking and driving poses. Of course to the little kids that we were when that particular add came out, the lesson was missed all together. Instead we were taunted not by the message but by the shock value that was burned into our brains. So now that I think back, there are a few PSA’s from my childhood that really taught me nothing more than a catchy tunes or sleepless nights thinking of evil puppets.

Ah shit, the old CBS intro. You know, the computer bleeps at the beginning? When I was searching for Woodsy the Owl adds I found this gem and that little tune brought me right back to the time when using the toilet was an option. I can not say I was a fan of Woodsy but I will say I met the owl in real life. I was a Tiger Scout and some poor bastard in an owl costume had to spend an afternoon at camp with us. I can still hear his muffled voice say, “give a hoot, don’t pollute!” Then he had to take his head off to keep from having heatstroke. Nothing like a giant dose of reality to 30 six year olds.

I was always confused why rolled up socks were singing to me. Then I payed closer attention only to realize that these were not socks at all but pills. That cleared a lot of questions up for me like, “why would people confuse socks with candy” and “Why would you call poison control if you eat a sock? You should call a shrink.”. To this day I still can’t believe Busta Rhymes stole this song for “Dangerous”. Now that is funny.

Should I touch this one? Oh I have to. First off the puppets are pretty scary and really belong at Six Flags, “Monster Plantation”. Second, if I ever have kids I don’t want them singing this. Maybe it’s the fact that I watch too much “To Catch A Predator” and I believe everyone is inherently evil and out to get children. Whatever the case, I have to believe the writers for this song are out of touch with the perverts of society. Or are they? Now I have the creeps.

Vince and Larry, the Crash Test Dummies never drove home the message that wearing your safety belt in a car would keep me from dying. No, I was too perplexed by the fact Larry had the same voice as Garfield. It really bugged me for some strange reason. I think Peter Venkman on The Real Ghostbusters also shared Garfield’s voice. I have issues.

I guess this as good of time as any to tip my hat to the voice of Garfield, Lorenzo Music. I was really upset when he passed in 2001 because his voice was one of the greats. Recognized by millions, he could read an obituary and somehow make you feel good about it. Wish he was still here but luckily for us he is immortalized by a fat cat that is 30 years old.

This commercial used to turn me on my fucking ear! I felt pretty bad for this kid when and I didn’t know why he took it the way he did. I used to put myself in his position and think, “If I was him I would ask her to dance and if she said no I would say, I’m sorry, you misunderstood me. I said you look fat in those pants.” Yeah. Then I would stare off into space smiling about how quick witted I was in an adolescent daydream.

April 2, 2008 14

Where Did You Go? Part 3

Ok, I can’t help but continue my tribute to those who aren’t a household name but are the center of my movie favorites. I think it is for that very reason I am such a fan of these people. I want to see what they are up to and I sometimes wonder if I would be the only weirdo that would recognize them in a grocery store and beg for an autograph on my box of Triscuits. So lets get going.

I like Darren Harris. We know Anthony Micheal Hall and of course John Cusack but what the hell happened to Darren? He symbolized the perfect geek in the movie Sixteen Candles, Better Off Dead and Weird Science. All three movies rank high on my 80’s must see. Darren was the best geek actor ever. Seriously the best because I am positive I was friends with this kid in high school. Everyone like me had an asthmatic buddy who knew how to build a computer, play the trumpet, had peanut butter sandwiches stuck in his braces and dreamed of one day becoming a Navy SEAL. I don’t know why but it is tough to find out about Darren other than his work as Cliff “Wheeze” in Sixteen Candles and he is from Canada.

Darren, if you read this please let us know what you are up to. I hope you are still alive man.

Thomas F. Wilson is Biff/Griff Tannen. Sorry Tommy but that is who you are. I know you have been in hundreds of TV episodes and animated voice-overs since then but every time I see you I will be waiting for you to knock on someones melon shouting “hello, hello butt-head!” Just kidding Tom. Actually Thomas Wilson is a really funny guy. His stand up is one of the best I have seen and believe it or not he is also a great musician. His hobby is a little strange though. He paints portraits of childhood toys. Hrm…

Fuckin’ eh it’s Porkins, baby! Actually it is William Hootkins This guy had a long career in some of the greatest films like Raiders of the Lost Arc, Batman and of course Star Wars: A New Hope. Believe it or not he was born in Dallas, Texas and moved to London after studying at Princeton and becoming fluent in Russian and Mandarin Chinese. It kind of sucks that he was such a brilliant man and talented on stage actor but landed the fat boy role as Porkins, the tubby X-Wing pilot. I always imagined his maintenance crew cleaning out McDonalds bags from the floor board of his ship. Poor Porkins.

William passed away in 2005 after losing a battle to pancreatic cancer. He was 57. The force will be with you William, always.

Well this is a little embarrassing. Apparently Gizmo was just a puppet. Moving on.

David Graf was just an awesome guy. He will always be Tackleberry from the Police Academy movies. Even though he has been in everything from M.A.S.H. to the Star Trek I can’t help but call every cop I see Tackleberry. It sucks to say this but Dave passed away in 2001 from a heart attack. I hate finding out these guys died when I am trying to see what they are up to today. I think I watch way too much TV because I feel like a classmate died.

I know I have written about Airwolf on here before but I wanted to focus on Jean Bruce Scott. It has always bothered me that in the intro there is a shot of her eating chicken. I still to this day only think of the character, Catalin O’Shannessy as a chicken eater. I’ll post the intro again for you to see. Today she is back in the saddle again producing and writing after a long hiatus from her acting career in shows like MacGuyver, Jake and The Fat Man, Matlock, Newhart, ect… But like the on going X-Entertainment funny, I don’t want to think about chicken when I am watching Airworlf.