Category: TV

Cataclysmic Colossus Of Clout!

I don’t think that means anything but it’s my new “boy wonder” exclamation. I say it when you will least expect it so stay on your toes. So today I am going to give you a “catch up shot” or ‘ketchup shot” if you prefer. You’re gross.

  • Changing the VM header so I have been playing with images and old photos when Wicket and I locked eyes. My God, he has dead eyes. No soul. I still believe that Ewoks must have smelled like 20 year old moldy shag carpet. Those matted hairy butt bears.
  • The VSA went out on my Element the other day. My friend was with me when the warning light came on and I asked her what she thought it meant. She said it was my car telling me to “fix the Vehicle Shit, Asshole”.  To which I left her at the bus stop.
  • Went to see Megadeth on Monday. Amazing. Probably one of the better shows that I have seen in the past few years and I really went all out. I moshed, spit beer, think I broke my jaw, sang every song, got a nod from Dave Mustaine as I crowd surfed in my work clothes. But I was upstaged by a guy crowd surfing in a wheelchair. What a dick.

  • It has been so mild this winter I can not believe it. It has actually snowed more in Atlanta than it has here in the Northwest. Not that I am complaining but it is such my luck that I move on a mountain the year Idaho has the worst winter and to a low altitude plain during it’s mildest. Karma! Fuck you! Wait. I take that back. Nice karma.
  • I have been consistent in my weight lifting over the past couple of months and I have almost regained everything I lost this past year. That scares me because lifting 250 this quickly means an injury is just around the corner. But I am too obsessive to stop. Maybe when I can flex out of a shirt I will stop.
  • Last night I made pork chops and cataclysmic colossus of clout. Told ya to stay on your toes! Just when you least expect it.

  • I can’t stay silent anymore. I will never again sit back and act passive when someone wants to watch The Kardashians, Brothers And Sisters, that show after Entertainment Tonight and any other show in that category. They are so stupid and idiotic. That’s right I said it. I know why people hate Americans and it is because we watch insane shit like this. Who can actually be taken seriously when you decide to give up an hour, a minute, a second that you can never have back again watching spoiled and shallow people have life altering problems like throwing a party and not finding the DJ they want or talking gossip about people they don’t even know. F that.
  • Broke my second iPhone right after I spent $40 on a “protective” case. You are welcome Steve Jobs.
  • I am beginning to think that honesty is over rated. I was in a neuroscience class today and my professor has been on a workout kick involving only jumproping. He came in class today and said that he has been sluggish from being under the weather and hasn’t been jumproping. He claimed that jumproping with diarrhea was not the best idea he has had. Wouldn’t you know it, I was the only one to laugh. What am I, five? To make it worse, he asked if I was okay. I told him not really.
  • I have a park across the street from my apartment and occasionally I will take a stroll or walk to the university the long way just to enjoy it. Last week there was a tennis ball left by one of the random dogs that play there. Without thinking, I picked it up and aimlessly threw it without looking…right at two joggers that were jogging towards me. It was more than just awkward. Actually, I don’t want to talk about that anymore. I am the worst person.
  • Saw Phantasm for the first time. I loved everything about it. Kind of wish I had someone who enjoys campy horror as much as I do to have seen it with.
  • Going to Vegas, San Diego and LA for business and I am happy about that. Hopefully it will be filled with cool people and fun times but I have a feeling it will be filled with meetings and takeout. Wish I had an R2D2 unit to give my sales spew in hologram form. ‘Buy from us, Teledyne, Inc. You are our only hope.”
  • That’s it. You are caught up.

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Kit Kats Make Me Wolf-Out

I hate Kit Kats now. I do. And it’s not because of the taste. They have been a Halloween staple for years and one of the great deciding factors of whether or not to kick in someone’s jack-o-lantern out of petty candy hate. But recently there has been a commercial featuring cubical maze of people all eating Kit Kats to a rhythmic eating sound montage. If you are new to my blog, let me tell you, nothing will get me to commit an atrocious act like human food crunching.  I can handle dog eating sounds or even cute cats chewing Meow Mix, but when a fucking dickhole warrior ad executive pushes food by forcing my ear to the top of someones skull as the smack and crunch away I…I…I get a little crazy.

So on Tuesday I was watching TV innocently enough when the said commercial  came on. I was already having a sub-par day so this isn’t exactly what I needed. Out of no where my vision went totally white. When I came to, the remote was no longer on my lap but in pieces across the room. The cat was staring at me from the doorway of the cat-condo as if to say, “hey…that was a little excessive don’t you think?” For the first time in my life, a commercial made me wolf-out/ Hyde-out. Which ever seems more accurate.

So now I have to be careful when watching TV with people. I don’t trust myself not to go beastie when someone tries to entice me into buying crunchy food. But this is old news to those who have been here before. They know I mean no harm.

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Sooooo…. Yup

It has been so long and I have missed you all so much. Really. Honestly. The thing is I just don’t know how to jump back in this whole blogging thing again so I guess I am just going to do it. There has been a few life directions I have changed and last Sunday I turned 30 so this is as good of a time as any to start up the ol’ VeggieMacabeness that will someday be the word of all humanity. Just wait. “Be Excellent To Each Other”.

I was asked to speak at the 2010 Young Executives Conference for NEC and Konica Minolta next week about what lessons I have learned and how I attribute them to my success. There are a few things wrong with that last statement. One, I am neither young or an executive. I am a project manager for a medium size office that will pay for my Neuro PhD. Two, everything I learned in life has been from the 1987-91 TGIF line up on ABC so the joke is on them, I guess. Three, I am far from a success. Do successful people break off the trunk from the broccoli in the grocery store to make it lighter or hold onto a box of Nabisco Spookie Fruits from the eighties? Not really.

I know I am getting older and it really hit me when my parents sent me their gift. It was a fruit basket. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful because many people my age don’t get anything, but a fruit basket? I just sent a fruit basket to a new customer as a token of appreciation. This does not compute. Maybe I am just being a whiny weenie Will? Nononono. Wtf? A fruit basket?

I have finally managed to ignore all vices for the past couple of months and hit the gym to get back in the shape I was in at 28. My goal is to be in better shape, look hotter and be tip-top happidy hap-hap happy come this summer. I have a goal to make this the one true crazy summer of fun and mayhem. And then grow up. You know, like buy land, get married and have kids? I at least make the effort.

Oh shit, it happened. I hate teenagers. Everything about them makes me want to hurt puppies and babies. I have no idea where that came from but as I am writing this I just saw two walk by in their emo-skinny jean-black and purple-wierdo hat-sad walk and I want to say, “MRAAAROOORAPDAP!” because there are no words for my pissiness. “I weep for the future“.

I know that this post had a tinge of bitchiness to it but I promise great stuff on the way including a Megadeth backstage post on the first of March. Man, I hope Dave isn’t too big of a prick. And I hope I don’t get nervous and get shaky leg syndrome like the time I met Alice Cooper. That was just embarrassing.

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I Need A List

I have been such a bad blogger I ought to be dragged out in the streets and floggered. Was that a stretch? Well, if it was, all I can say is that you are right. And to get back in the real swing of 2010, I need all the help I can get. So here we go! This is one of my many posts of what I know to be true.

  1. I watch violence on TV with much trepidation. When did this happen? I keep asking myself questions like “what is that poor guys mother going to do?”. I need to not take things so seriously.
  2. I don’t believe in the moon. I just think it is the back of the sun. (scrubs) I agree.
  3. I Tweet. Fuck. I Tweet. Three verbs and one is expressive. Take your pick.
  4. At almost 32, I still believe there is a chance that God can turn off the gravity at any minute. I hang out near trees.
  5. My iPhone sucks. I’m always connected to everything. Remember when life was simple and no one knew what anyone else was doing?
  6. I think I am in love with the Nurse Ratchet’s assistant from One Flew Over The Cukoo’s Nest.
  7. I have a cat. A cute one actually. But I travel a lot and I think getting a buddy for her would be fair. I have images of her meowing at the wall for hours out of boredom. Sometimes I leave the Animal Planet on just because I think she watches it. So I have decide to buy another kitten. Now I will be the guy who has two cats. shit.
  8. Sandwiches make me way too happy. I mean really, way too happy. Did a dance the other day that I call the “Turkey Pastrami Slide”. I kind of wish it was in private though.
  9. This commercial makes me want to scream at an elderly man. I hate eating sounds in food commercials. It’s like a Hulk reaction. I will split a shirt and steal a tricycle from a 3 year old when I see this. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

10.  I get so excited for Christmas but when it gets here, I hate it. This year, Christmas will be prepped way ahead of time. No more last-minute travel or last-minute gifts. To be honest, my Amex  and Visa card took a few thousand dollars worth of hits that should have been better thought out. And Delta? Fuck you too!

11. I tried it again. I am not a gin man. Actually, hard alcohol as a whole I think will end starting today. It just doesn’t do it.

12. I listen to The Cure and think of KB. I listen to… actually that is my next post.

13. I prefer the old Devil in The Simpsons to the Flander’s Devil in the newer ones.

14. I have Netfilx steaming to my TV and I gave the series Weeds a chance. It failed miserably. So miserably it made me finally realize that Kevin Nealon is an ass-hat of staggering scale and should have hard fruits thrown at him in all public venues. I envision a pineapple.

15. I had a meeting with the owner of a restaurant chain called Taco Time for work last week. I told him his chain made me laugh when I first heard the name. He, however, did not find my humor funny.

16. I want the sax to come back. The Night Court theme makes me pretty overjoyed.

17. Don’t Google Image search your own name.

18. Have you ever heard of the 80’s toy call “Beeoples”? Just curious.

19. I had a dream that I was shoplifting old Halloween candy from a dollar store and was caught. For some reason, this is really bothering me.

20. I think I will smile like this for everything. No matter how small.

fin

//

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2009 And The Big Box Condo

I trust everyone made it to 2010 and the holidays were epic? Good. I want to wish everyone a very Happy New Year and over the past couple of years you guys have been sunshine in a box. I love everything about you guys. Now, onto the year in review how I saw it.

TV!

I think 2009 has led me down some unusual paths when it comes to my recreational TV viewing. To be honest, I really had an open mind and when old ALF episodes were not cutting the mustard I had no choice to cruise the open digital waves of Turner Cable. Here were/are my shows of choice.

Man vs Food has been a must see program every Wednesday and Friday night. I watch this with a sense of awe and amusement as Adam Richman tackles some of the most daunting eating challenges the restaurants of America have to offer. This guy eats wings so hot, they have to be handled with latex gloves and can devour a pizza the size of Oprah’s ass. (she muffin huffs) But the one thing I love is the witty commentary. I would totally help this guy eat the biggest burger or 30 sandwiches. Even if it means yarfing all over the sidewalk on national TV.

Ghost Adventures has taken the slot that I reserved for Ghost Hunters. Partly because this show is far more entertaining and over all creepy. It is that simple. The other part is Zak Bagans is a strange fellow and his seemingly bipolar disposition makes me laugh and there is no better combination than funny-scary. Well, maybe chocolate-peanutbutter. Any way, it is far better to watch than that vagima (spelled it right) Steve on Ghost Hunters. That guy makes me want to air punch until I connect with an innocent bystander.

Desperate Housewives? Yeah. So? I like the show. It is witty and keeps you guessing and I always root for Orson because I like the name. That is all I have to say about that. Are you going to take away man points now? At least I don’t like the show that follows; Brothers and Sisters. Now that is a fucking stool sample. It’s a good thing I don’t own a firearm because the TV would be shot any given Sunday night when Alley McBeall and Sally Fields shared a scene.

MOvies!

This past year has not been too bad for films. I live in a small world that believes just about any movie that comes from Hollywood has to suck because creativity went out the window years ago. There has been, however, a few that I will give a tip of the hat to.

A surprise to say the least. I like Quentin Tarantino movies but at times his “shock” value is a little too much for me. Seeing brains and blood for two hours gets old and pedantic. Especially if you have witnessed it in real life. Quentin doesn’t seem like the type to have ever seen anything real like that before. Where was I going? Ah yeah! So I liked this movie. Especially the “Hangman” Nazi. Not that I like Nazis but his character was chilling. I dig that. The “Bear Jew” played by Eli Roth, however, was a drag. I just think Eli sucks. His movies suck, his acting sucks and above all else, his voice makes me Pissy McPissface Meanbean. B minus.

What can I say? I know Paranormal Activity was from 2007 but it hit 2009 like Mike Tyson hit his wife. Knock Out. But that’s not funny. (heeeeheee)

I think this guy below does it the most justice. Actually, just watching his reviews makes me not want to review movies again because he covers all the bases to the T. Please watch.

AAAAAAND Scene!

I love anything Zombie. Wether it is a Romero political and cultural platform or just a blood and guts scare, nothing makes me more frightened than being eaten alive by a rotten corpse. Or maybe just bitten and knowing that soon I will be eating people. Whatever. So Zombieland added a touch of fun to my deep dark fears, and that is really appreciated. Now if they can only make a funny shark attack movie. Hrmmmm. Oh, and the famous cameo added so much to the movie.

I can’t believe I saw this. Really, I can’t believe I did. Maybe it was the little notion that Heigl was not like her Greys  Anatomy character in Knocked Up and I though she might be able to be good once again. I was wrong. And I should have seen that coming when her co-star is Gerard Butler. That guy makes my fists itch. Here is what I would rather do than ever be exposed to anything these two do again.

  • Have a dream that I am eating wild game only to wake with half my cat left.
  • Drop acid and have dinner with my aunt’s family that eat like they have no lips.
  • Be the egg on a trampoline with the Biggest Loser on week one.
  • Getting hammered and waking up spooning Nancy Grace.

I saw it and enjoyed it. Especially the new 3D technology which makes this movie more of an experience rather than just a movie. But really, this film was a Dances With Wolves, Aliens and some other movie plot. Soooo, I guess it is worth seeing once. And bring a butt pillow because this film is longer than a Catholic wedding.

I think I am passing on talking about Terminator Salvation and Transformers 2. I might make enemies of the die hard fans. Star Trek was pretty cool though. Those are the fans you need to be wary of.

NEWS!

We got a new president and I actually voted the guy. As a vet I think I may have been in the minority. The only reason I did was because I felt a change would bring a sense of calmness to the world. I didn’t think he would be clueless, though. Holy shit Paco, this guy is slowly figuring out he is not on a campaign anymore and he has to do what is right for our country, not what the magic eight ball tells him. I know many people who love him and he can do no wrong but come on. He has as much of a clue of what to do in the Oval Office as I do in a nuclear propulsion lab. But, I will still support him. Like I have a choice.

We are still fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan and we, as Americans, still only care about the Jersey Shore, The Hills, Kate Gosselin and American Idol. Just the other day we lost 4 soldier all to combat action in the Helm Providence and I over heard a girl state she didn’t realize we were still over there and how stupid it was that we were there. To that, I say she is right. Why are brave men and women dying for her dumbass?

This story marked a year that I will look back with a smile and say, “no shit”. The Heene’s faked there monkey-kid’s heart stopping castaway in a weather balloon. This national hoax was one I will not soon forget. And for that, I love them. Especially when the poor kid puked on the Today show. Why these people don’t have a reality show is beyond me. I say, forgive them and share the train + car + plane + boat + eighteen wheeler crash with the world.

We lost quiet a few celebrities this year too. Of course Micheal Jackson dying was tragic and both Patrick Swayze and Farrah had been circling the drain for years, it was  Billy Mays, however,  that made me pause in shock. He has been a staple on this blog and for that I still fly my OxyClean flag at half mast. And John Hughes! What the? You see, too many to list.

So, on to 2010! There has been so much this past year that my head is still spinning but the one thing for sure is, I am bloggin’ up a storm. So many ideas and so many awesome issues. I will leave you now with an artistic rendition of my thought process.

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