Category: travel

Random Misconceptions In My Life

I have been on this planet for 30.674 years and in that time I have learned alot. But I have also been quite ignorant of a few things as well. Have you ever figured out that you have been saying words or phrases completely wrong your entire life until you read it in a book and then it dawns on you that you are indeed completely retarded explaining why people just sigh openly in your presence?  Happens on a daily basis for me. That is why I have an alias as an extraterrestrial and eat bananas with the peel on. Here are a few of my blond moments. Sorry Pam and SH,  I’m not suggesting blonds are dumb. It’s just a saying. 🙂

Words and Phrases:

“One fail swoop”– Yep, I have been wrong this whole time but really, I think my version is much better. I have always said “one fowl swoop”. The correct phrase makes no sense what so ever! At least you can visualize mine as a fowl (duck), swooping down and picking something up in one said motion. The notion of a fail swoop? Whatever. You fail!

“Conniption fit”– I will admit I sound like an idiot on this one. Even though I am sure I have posted this little faux pa on here before I have to share this again. I have been saying, up until a few months ago, “canipshit”. A friend of mine finally stopped the madness and corrected me but too little too late. There are currently at least a thousand people walking around this great country of ours with full knowledge that there is a guy with the last name of Webster who has the loosest interpretation of the English language. I think canipshit sounds like a great name for cat litter.

“For all intents and purposes”– I’m one of those who have said “for all intensive purposes”. I know, you can hate me but I have cured it. I have also dropped the ‘s’ from “anyways”. There is a cure for those little annoying slips. Much like a rubber band snap on the wrist for cursing, I take a cap full shot of Drain-o. Broke that habit in a day!

“I would just assume”– You know you say “I would just as soon” too. I can’t be the only one? Or maybe I can.

Chest of drawers– Are you sure it’s not Chester Drawers? I thought he invented those?

People and Places:

Whaaaaaaaat? What do you mean Brent Muscant from Faster Pussycats is a guy? I have always tipped my hat to the Pussycats for having a hot chick guitarist to break the mold of the all guy hair band in the late eighties. Now I just feel dirty. Especially since I thought that this cover was a weird Asian boob shot as a kid. Well Hell. Next you are going to tell me that the bassist of 4 Non Blondes is a girl.

Well slap my butt and call me Booberella! The bassist is Christina Hillhouse. I feel kind of bad about that but if it’s any consolation, she is one hell of a base player. Even if she looks like Justin Timberlake with a better nose. What are you going to tell me next? That Cabo Wabo isn’t a city in Mexico and Sammy Hagar isn’t the mayor either?

No wonder my letters to Mayor Hagar requesting political asylum have gone unanswered! Cabo Wabo is a bar and Sammy Hagar is just the owner. I have had daydreams about getting the key to Cabo Wabo from Sammy for rocking the greatest Karaoke likeness to his song ‘Heavy Metal’. “Heavy Metal Noiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise!”

Dumb Misspellings:

I am the king of funny spellings. I am sure you have witnessed some real humdingers here on VeggieMacabre and actually, I wear that badge of stupidity with pride. Why you ask? Well, my Dad is near super genius and he spells much like a dyslexic four year old transcribing a lecture on micro biology. Here are words that no matter what I do, I will always misspell them.

Brilliant and genius- Irony! I always add an ‘ou’ or an ‘e’ to these.

Friends- ‘I’ before ‘E’ except after ‘C’, you big dum-dum.

Surprise- Nope! No ‘Z’!

Accidentally- I write like I speak and I speak like a slack-jaw yokle at times. That’s why I spell this accidently.

Banana- Bananna? Bananah? Bannana? Banananananaaanah? Banannannannannannaaannaa? Banannannnanaaananannaa…oops, just pooped a little. 😐

I hope I haven’t painted the picture that I am in need of a helmet and a harness. I just want to make it known that even though you may think that I am perfect, I am really less of a God, but still more of a man. now if you will excuse me, I have a meeting to attend. It’s not everyday you get to be the keynote speaker at Big Heads Anonymous.

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Karaoke, Beer and Bowling

I have to admit that even though I rip on the culture here in Idaho it has really increased my desire to write about some of the absurdities as if I was Crusoe keeping a journal. My phone is full of various pictures and notes that have to be seen to be believed. I actually sat next to an older couple the other night and the lady took out her teeth to smoke a cigarette. She told the bartender that she just soaked them before they came out and she wanted to keep them white. Fuck a duck! To be honest, they did look pretty white on a bevnap sitting on the bar. Had I been drinking more I probably would have put them in her ashtray when no one was looking because, well, I’m an asshole like that.

I know the picture above is blurry but this is where I was on Wednesday night. It was karaoke night at the bowling alley and more importantly it was “no smoking night” so I could give my jeans and shirts a break from having to practically burn them when I get home from the wreak of smoke. Notice that it is a David Allen Coe song? Yep, that little ditty was played no more than 30 times. And no one appreciated KISS’s “Strutter” either.

All in all there are some pretty good singers here in Idaho. HA! I can’t even type that with a straight face. The whole night sounded like a third grade trumpet recital. If I didn’t no better I would believe a gaggle of geese where circling over head confused on whether to fly south or mate on the cars in the parking lot. The real funny part is watching all the people support one another as each person butchered the song of their choice. I witnessed a few standing ovations and some “I just want to thank my Mama” speeches.

I really wished there was a Milo there.

By the way, what do you think he has in his pockets? My theory is Milo is packing dinner rolls from the “Singles Potluck/Karaoke Night”. It is plausible.

Anyway, did you know that zucchini grows larger here too? The bartender showed me her award winning zucchini and I have to tell you, i now feel a little inadequate.

Make sure you come back because this weekend I am doing my 2nd annual Fall Beer Review. It’s a great excuse to get loaded, carve something and possibly go to the emergency room. I’ll be back tomorrow. Me with 10 toes and 9 fingers.

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W.B. Yeats Don’t Know Idaho

    • O you not hear me calling, white deer with no horns?
      I have been changed to a hound with one red ear;
      I have been in the Path of Stones and the Wood of Thorns,
      For somebody hid hatred and hope and desire and fear
      Under my feet that they follow you night and day.
      A man with a hazel wand came without sound;
      He changed me suddenly; I was looking another way;
      And now my calling is but the calling of a hound;
      And Time and Birth and Change are hurrying by.
      I would that the Boar without bristles had come from the West
      And had rooted the sun and moon and stars out of the sky
      And lay in the darkness, grunting, and turning to his rest.

by: William Butler Yeats (1865-1939) He Mourns for the Change that has Come Upon Him…

This poem has always been near and dear to my heart and every change of direction I make in life, this piece of literary art takes center stage in my mind. It is melancholy but like most of Yeats’ work, it wouldn’t be same if it were without some sadness. I guess that is a direct symbol of change. There has to be some mourning of the past to take on and accept the future. I miss the comforts of old, the people and my family. The sun has set on that day and the cold, lonely darkness of night is here but I can faintly see the purplish hue of dawn. A new day; my future. And it will be bright and warm with endless possibilities.

But then I was driving to campus and I passed this:

Hey Yeats! Got any poems about Idaho? I didn’t think so. Dick.

Edit: One more thing. There are somethings that are too good not to be shared. Please read. I almost had an “episode” in the library.

http://socialpariah.wordpress.com/2008/09/04/whirling-whip-like/

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Ida-NOOOOOOO!

I do apologize for the week plus hiatus. Getting situated and orientated really has left me no time to update. But I can promise you I have much to tell. So be a dear and put the tea kettle on; I have stories. Actually those will have to wait a day. For now, I want to share some observations I have about Idaho.

  1. There are far more bars than churches. There was even a bar next to the exit of my street that had a place out front where people can tie up their horse. Let me say that again. They have designated horse parking.
  2. Just because it says that the restaurant is Chinese doesn’t mean that the people working there are. My waitress from last night was Claire and she lived in Idaho her whole life. Steven was her husband. He was the cook.
  3. Every Wednesday night is “No Smoking Night” at the local bowling alley. Any other night, smoke ’em if you got ’em!
  4. Past Coeur d Alene, the driving rules turn to “what is deemed acceptable” which means, there isn’t very much that is enforced. I suppose what Idahoans deem acceptable is to turn around in the seat, bend over and put their face on the backseat and drive with their feet. Because that is the only way I can rationalize some of the maneuvers I have witnessed on 95.
  5. I haven’t seen a minority in weeks and I am beginning to freak out.
  6. Common health notions like smoking is bad for your health, chewing tobacco causes cancer, eating more than 15 bean and cheese burritos a day can increase risk of heart disease and deodorant hasn’t quite made it here yet.
  7. The moustache hasn’t died here. It’s alive and well.
  8. Neither has the mullet.
  9. Being from Georgia I am always shocked when I am talking with a “country” looking fellow and he has no southern accent. It’s the weirdest thing.
  10. I often sit next to some guy who has dirty, grimy hands but he took the time to put on enough cologne for the two of us. And by “enough for the two of us” I mean I smelled like “Midnight Cowboy” from Walmart for the rest of the night.

I love it here. I was starting to run dry of material in Atlanta and now the cup runith over. Or something like that. Fitnessmacabre will be rocking, I pray, by Friday. It’s all up to Northface as to the sponsor regulations. Not my fault I swear! Blame Sarah. She can take the heat. J/K Sarah. Keep a look out because Cristunity has a great article when it launches.

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The Great Trek: The Last Day

Idaho: Where the elevation exceeds the population. -unknown

After a night of “moseying” I got up early and did the same thing I did the previous few mornings and made my way back to I-90. Even though Billings was pretty I was ready to get to Coeur d’ Alene. I guess it really started to hit me somewhere between Boseman and Bute that I had only seen a few pictures of the city that would soon be my home. There was this choking sensation in my throat like a sickly kid in school ingesting  peanuts. The enormity of this spontaneous move started to sink in because in 7 hours I would be in a city were I knew no one, had no place to live and school and work didn’t begin for another week. But, that’s how I do things. I do them as risky as possible.

Well, after an hour of making whimpering and wheezing sounds I calmed down and tried to take in some of the great state of Montana which, not surprisingly, was unbelievable. Then came the rain. But not before I stopped for gas and saw Burger Time! I have heard of these but never have I laid eyes on one. And now I have. Sorry about the bug guts.

I didn’t take too many more photos because the last leg of the journey really became hairy between the rain, mountain passes, construction and the 75 mph speed limit that didn’t let up at all. I was trying not to ‘fuck the dog’ with only a few short hours left in the trip. Can you imagine driving 2300 miles and wrecking with only 10 miles to go while trying to take a picture of trees? Almost happened.

Well, I battled the harsh weather over the mountain range and at the peak of the mountains I crossed over to the last state of the leg, Idaho. I was in the upper part of the great mistake, er, state and the next stop was the city of Coeur d’ Alene. Like a bomber pilot on his/her last mission, all I wanted to do was park and say that I made it with no incidences. And in 45 minutes I was able to do just that.

After a few moments of breathtaking beauty, as seen above, I took the City Center exit and made my way towards the visitors center so I could get a list of hotels and possibly a tip on where to get a couple of beers. That’s always of importance to me. I’m Just being honest. So I pulled in to the parking lot, stretched and walked up to the steps of the visitor center.

I don’t know why, but I was a little disappointed I didn’t have a welcoming committee awaiting my arrival. I imagined the mayor, Miss Idaho, a rodeo clown and a member of the local Native American tribe, all standing there with a basket of coffees, fruit and a ‘Welcome To Idaho’ t-shirt. Nope, it was just me and a dirty car.

So, the lady at the help desk did just that; she helped me. I found a Comfort Inn to shower and unpack a little and then I walked around the city center keeping an eye out for any welcoming places to drink a couple of cold ones. It was pretty chilly out too. Forgot to mention that I was wearing a sweater.

Foof! I look spent and I think that is with good reason. I found this really cosmopolitan bar called “The Beacon” that was full people in their late 20’s early 30’s. I didn’t stick out too much but I felt alone. Jim Morrison really hit it on the head when he sang “..people are strange, when you’re a stranger. Face’s look ugly, when you’re alone..” I suppose the bartender felt a little bad for me because my tab was cut in half and she gave me free shots. Who said pathetic looks don’t go far? Anyway, I made my way back to the room, grateful that the trip across the country was over, turned on the TV and drifted off to the theme song from Cheers. I want to go where everybody knows my name…

So, that wraps up the trip but I have been here for a few days and there is so much more to tell. I’ll keep these posts rolling. But for now I will leave you with a little known fact about Idaho. Above every urinal there is a head butt dent. I never knew that! And….now you know.

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