I think I am going to start a new segment of VeggieMacabre tonight. This is an idea taken straight from the wonderful and funny horror blog, Final Girl. The new segment is a real-time movie watching review that I will be doing from the comforts of my couch. It will be kind of like we are watching it together only I will be the only one spewing my opinions. Seems fair to me!
So let’s get the party started! Tonight’s film is the 1990 classic, Arachnophobia and I have never seen it before. Partly because I hate spiders. Actually, that’s the entire reason. Let’s put it in!
Jeff Daniels is in this? Did I know this before? Amazing!
How am I not surprised that this begins in South America?
Hey! The helicopter pilot was the bad guy in Crocodile 2. Kind of wish I didn’t admit to knowing that.
You just know there is going to be some of the “help” on this S. American expedition that might not make it home. I feel an Indiana Jones type death any minute.
God I hate spiders. This might not bode well for me.
I don’t get people who study insects and spiders. I am grateful they do but I don’t think we have much in common.
So the spider comes to the US via coffin, Of course! And it’s the same town as Stephen King’s Needful Things.
Enter Jeff Daniels! With token wife, Harley Jane Kozak. Isn’t she in just about every Lifetime and Oxygen movie?
It’s odd to see the country setting with a random palm tree.
Well, I am never going in a barn again!
Ah, so there is a back story. Jeff Daniels is an arachnophobia. The plot is coming together.
*just ate a Habanero. The little orange ones. So stupid.*
Ah, the second victim. Poor Margret. Let me add ‘turning off the light’ to my list of fears.
Enter John Goodman. This guy can steal any scene. Remember how I was asking how anyone can study insects? Same applies to those who are exterminators.
Now I am afraid of bleachers and football helmets. And empty shoes.
Now I am freaking out watching my cat paw at something in the corner.
I am feeling this Dr. Jennings/Sheriff Brody comparison happening.
Brian McNamara is in this? Holy Hell! I love that guy. In a plutonic way, of course.
I am getting the same feeling with this movie that I got with Jaws. Nervous anxioty.
Shit! Showers and toilets too.
Jeff Daniels in his younger days seemed very McGyver like.
I didn’t realize how much John Goodman’s character is like Bill Murray’s in Caddy Shack.
Hey! Family Ties in on TV! Oh shit, RUN!
Yeah, I hate this movie. But hate in a good way.
So, I thought there was a bigger spider in this movie?
Well, it’s over. Really? What’s up with the abrupt ending? I feel the character development left something to be desired. And while the cast ensemble was great, they just kind of left you guessing how everything works out in the end.
With that said, the movie did it’s job. I got ready for bed and found a piece of lint from an alpaca blanket on my shoulder and had an “episode” in the bathroom. I think I am going to train my cat to attack spiders now.
…you watch Jaws backwards, it is a movie about a shark that throws up enough people they have to open a beach.
I heard this the other day and it struck me so funny, I have been thinking about it and laughing aloud in the most inappropriate settings. It is just so funny what how certain things can get me to laugh while many things do not. It’s a rarity I watch a TV show or movie and utter a laugh or smirk. It’s not that I don’t appreciate humor it’s just that I don’t express it. For awhile I was worried about a broken funny bone or perhaps it was harvested while slept like the urban legend that included one missing kidney and an ice bath.
After talking to a friend, however, it dawned on me that it’s not that I don’t find mainstream humor, well, humorous, it’s just that I have a fucked up sense of humor all together. Here are somethings that will cause me to crack up no matter where or when.
This is an all time favorite. I most quote Clifford at least twice a week. If I don’t I fear that the world might end. Superstitious like that.
Tobias Funke is my favorite character in Arrested Development and when he was Ms. Featherbottom, he sealed it. “When I get a little nervous, I hum a little tune. Humdidle Humdidleedoo.”
As I sit here in this classroom I am muffling my laughs and it’s getting harder. I can’t help it but mascots that are injured tickles me in such a way, that for a while I thought perhaps I am a little sick. I want to see them fall, catch fire and blow their knees out. I think it’s because I forget it’s just a man in a suit.
Ah shit, here is one more. Try not to laugh. I dare you.
I am sorry but you have no soul if you didn’t find that a little funny.
Ok, last I think British dry humor is my all time favorite. I will laugh in an audible way for this. I am not sure why because I was never that way before. I love John Cleese and all Monty Python type skits growing up but never found them “side-stitch” laugh material. But over the past few years I think my tune has changed.
Well, that’s a good taste of my guilty “haha’s” so don’t judge my educated humor too closely. Everyone has their taste. I mean, people found WhatWomen Want funny and that makes me want to cry. God I love diversity!
So, tonight I am going to be watching a movie as I real-time blog about it. It is kind of like you are watching it with me as I annoyingly converse through it. Only now, you can’t tell me to shut the hell up. Because I won’t be able to hear you. This idea is stolen from the great Stacy Ponder over at Final Girl.
The movie: Arachnophobia. I have never seen it and always wanted to. Yuck. I hate spiders.
I have been such a bad blogger I ought to be dragged out in the streets and floggered. Was that a stretch? Well, if it was, all I can say is that you are right. And to get back in the real swing of 2010, I need all the help I can get. So here we go! This is one of my many posts of what I know to be true.
I watch violence on TV with much trepidation. When did this happen? I keep asking myself questions like “what is that poor guys mother going to do?”. I need to not take things so seriously.
I don’t believe in the moon. I just think it is the back of the sun. (scrubs) I agree.
I Tweet. Fuck. I Tweet. Three verbs and one is expressive. Take your pick.
At almost 32, I still believe there is a chance that God can turn off the gravity at any minute. I hang out near trees.
My iPhone sucks. I’m always connected to everything. Remember when life was simple and no one knew what anyone else was doing?
I think I am in love with the Nurse Ratchet’s assistant from One Flew Over The Cukoo’s Nest.
I have a cat. A cute one actually. But I travel a lot and I think getting a buddy for her would be fair. I have images of her meowing at the wall for hours out of boredom. Sometimes I leave the Animal Planet on just because I think she watches it. So I have decide to buy another kitten. Now I will be the guy who has two cats. shit.
Sandwiches make me way too happy. I mean really, way too happy. Did a dance the other day that I call the “Turkey Pastrami Slide”. I kind of wish it was in private though.
This commercial makes me want to scream at an elderly man. I hate eating sounds in food commercials. It’s like a Hulk reaction. I will split a shirt and steal a tricycle from a 3 year old when I see this. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
10. I get so excited for Christmas but when it gets here, I hate it. This year, Christmas will be prepped way ahead of time. No more last-minute travel or last-minute gifts. To be honest, my Amex and Visa card took a few thousand dollars worth of hits that should have been better thought out. And Delta? Fuck you too!
11. I tried it again. I am not a gin man. Actually, hard alcohol as a whole I think will end starting today. It just doesn’t do it.
12. I listen to The Cure and think of KB. I listen to… actually that is my next post.
13. I prefer the old Devil in The Simpsons to the Flander’s Devil in the newer ones.
14. I have Netfilx steaming to my TV and I gave the series Weeds a chance. It failed miserably. So miserably it made me finally realize that Kevin Nealon is an ass-hat of staggering scale and should have hard fruits thrown at him in all public venues. I envision a pineapple.
15. I had a meeting with the owner of a restaurant chain called Taco Time for work last week. I told him his chain made me laugh when I first heard the name. He, however, did not find my humor funny.
16. I want the sax to come back. The Night Court theme makes me pretty overjoyed.
17. Don’t Google Image search your own name.
18. Have you ever heard of the 80’s toy call “Beeoples”? Just curious.
19. I had a dream that I was shoplifting old Halloween candy from a dollar store and was caught. For some reason, this is really bothering me.
20. I think I will smile like this for everything. No matter how small.
I trust everyone made it to 2010 and the holidays were epic? Good. I want to wish everyone a very Happy New Year and over the past couple of years you guys have been sunshine in a box. I love everything about you guys. Now, onto the year in review how I saw it.
TV!
I think 2009 has led me down some unusual paths when it comes to my recreational TV viewing. To be honest, I really had an open mind and when old ALF episodes were not cutting the mustard I had no choice to cruise the open digital waves of Turner Cable. Here were/are my shows of choice.
Man vs Food has been a must see program every Wednesday and Friday night. I watch this with a sense of awe and amusement as Adam Richman tackles some of the most daunting eating challenges the restaurants of America have to offer. This guy eats wings so hot, they have to be handled with latex gloves and can devour a pizza the size of Oprah’s ass. (she muffin huffs) But the one thing I love is the witty commentary. I would totally help this guy eat the biggest burger or 30 sandwiches. Even if it means yarfing all over the sidewalk on national TV.
Ghost Adventures has taken the slot that I reserved for Ghost Hunters. Partly because this show is far more entertaining and over all creepy. It is that simple. The other part is Zak Bagans is a strange fellow and his seemingly bipolar disposition makes me laugh and there is no better combination than funny-scary. Well, maybe chocolate-peanutbutter. Any way, it is far better to watch than that vagima (spelled it right) Steve on Ghost Hunters. That guy makes me want to air punch until I connect with an innocent bystander.
Desperate Housewives? Yeah. So? I like the show. It is witty and keeps you guessing and I always root for Orson because I like the name. That is all I have to say about that. Are you going to take away man points now? At least I don’t like the show that follows; Brothers and Sisters. Now that is a fucking stool sample. It’s a good thing I don’t own a firearm because the TV would be shot any given Sunday night when Alley McBeall and Sally Fields shared a scene.
MOvies!
This past year has not been too bad for films. I live in a small world that believes just about any movie that comes from Hollywood has to suck because creativity went out the window years ago. There has been, however, a few that I will give a tip of the hat to.
A surprise to say the least. I like Quentin Tarantino movies but at times his “shock” value is a little too much for me. Seeing brains and blood for two hours gets old and pedantic. Especially if you have witnessed it in real life. Quentin doesn’t seem like the type to have ever seen anything real like that before. Where was I going? Ah yeah! So I liked this movie. Especially the “Hangman” Nazi. Not that I like Nazis but his character was chilling. I dig that. The “Bear Jew” played by Eli Roth, however, was a drag. I just think Eli sucks. His movies suck, his acting sucks and above all else, his voice makes me Pissy McPissface Meanbean. B minus.
What can I say? I know Paranormal Activity was from 2007 but it hit 2009 like Mike Tyson hit his wife. Knock Out. But that’s not funny. (heeeeheee)
I think this guy below does it the most justice. Actually, just watching his reviews makes me not want to review movies again because he covers all the bases to the T. Please watch.
AAAAAAND Scene!
I love anything Zombie. Wether it is a Romero political and cultural platform or just a blood and guts scare, nothing makes me more frightened than being eaten alive by a rotten corpse. Or maybe just bitten and knowing that soon I will be eating people. Whatever. So Zombieland added a touch of fun to my deep dark fears, and that is really appreciated. Now if they can only make a funny shark attack movie. Hrmmmm. Oh, and the famous cameo added so much to the movie.
I can’t believe I saw this. Really, I can’t believe I did. Maybe it was the little notion that Heigl was not like her Greys Anatomy character in Knocked Up and I though she might be able to be good once again. I was wrong. And I should have seen that coming when her co-star is Gerard Butler. That guy makes my fists itch. Here is what I would rather do than ever be exposed to anything these two do again.
Have a dream that I am eating wild game only to wake with half my cat left.
Drop acid and have dinner with my aunt’s family that eat like they have no lips.
Be the egg on a trampoline with the Biggest Loser on week one.
Getting hammered and waking up spooning Nancy Grace.
I saw it and enjoyed it. Especially the new 3D technology which makes this movie more of an experience rather than just a movie. But really, this film was a Dances With Wolves, Aliens and some other movie plot. Soooo, I guess it is worth seeing once. And bring a butt pillow because this film is longer than a Catholic wedding.
I think I am passing on talking about Terminator Salvation and Transformers 2. I might make enemies of the die hard fans. Star Trek was pretty cool though. Those are the fans you need to be wary of.
NEWS!
We got a new president and I actually voted the guy. As a vet I think I may have been in the minority. The only reason I did was because I felt a change would bring a sense of calmness to the world. I didn’t think he would be clueless, though. Holy shit Paco, this guy is slowly figuring out he is not on a campaign anymore and he has to do what is right for our country, not what the magic eight ball tells him. I know many people who love him and he can do no wrong but come on. He has as much of a clue of what to do in the Oval Office as I do in a nuclear propulsion lab. But, I will still support him. Like I have a choice.
We are still fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan and we, as Americans, still only care about the Jersey Shore, The Hills, Kate Gosselin and American Idol. Just the other day we lost 4 soldier all to combat action in the Helm Providence and I over heard a girl state she didn’t realize we were still over there and how stupid it was that we were there. To that, I say she is right. Why are brave men and women dying for her dumbass?
This story marked a year that I will look back with a smile and say, “no shit”. The Heene’s faked there monkey-kid’s heart stopping castaway in a weather balloon. This national hoax was one I will not soon forget. And for that, I love them. Especially when the poor kid puked on the Today show. Why these people don’t have a reality show is beyond me. I say, forgive them and share the train + car + plane + boat + eighteen wheeler crash with the world.
We lost quiet a few celebrities this year too. Of course Micheal Jackson dying was tragic and both Patrick Swayze and Farrah had been circling the drain for years, it was Billy Mays, however, that made me pause in shock. He has been a staple on this blog and for that I still fly my OxyClean flag at half mast. And John Hughes! What the? You see, too many to list.
So, on to 2010! There has been so much this past year that my head is still spinning but the one thing for sure is, I am bloggin’ up a storm. So many ideas and so many awesome issues. I will leave you now with an artistic rendition of my thought process.
Tis the season to be watching tons of the most merry programing and movies Hollywood has to offer. Even though I consider the Halloween season to be the most anticipated time of the year for fun TV, the Christmas season is arguably the most popular. Why I say this is because of all the cable channels that are 100% dedicated to the Holidays like AMC, Hallmark, Lifetime, ABC Family, QVC and TMC. Plus, Christmas movies outnumber any other holiday movies probably 51,687,342 to 1. So today I am going to pick a few of the 51,687,342 Christmas movies and see what the actors are up to today. I hope there are not too many dead.
“Stuck? Stuuuck? STUUUUUCCCKKK!!!”
Poor Flick. The kid that proved sticking your tongue to a flagpole is not an urban legend like previously believed. His role in the Christmas movie to end all Christmas movies, The Christmas Story, was really a prominent role to me. I think it was because he captured what kids were really like and that was his high pitch, shrill screams he belted. Bravo Scott Schwartz!
Holy Jingle Bells! Since his most famous role as Flick, it looks like Scott Schwartz has gotten his tongue stuck on more things than a flagpole. Unbelievably so, Scott made a pretty good run in the porn business through the 90’s. It never ceases to amaze me when writing these “catch up” articles what a few of these childhood stars delve into. But to be fair, he has done other things like his other famous role in The Toy and many after school specials. Today he runs a card shop with his dad and still acts in lower budget movies. His porn star days look like they have gone the way of the Dodo. I mean he is only 5 foot 6 so how impressive could he be? I’m just stating what others think.
“I am not a piece of undigested potato, you fucking dick-hole warrior!”
I don’t know if I quoted that completely accurate but I think I am pretty close. Anyway, Frank Finlay played the ghostly assistant to Scrooge (George C. Scott), Marley in the 1984 made for TV movie Charles Dickens’ A ChristmasCarol. And holy holly shit, Marley scared the nog out of me. Really though, that part of the story was always the most unnerving. Much more than the Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come.
Frank is one of those actors that has been a film legend but has not been privy in my limitless film knowledge because, well, that knowledge is reserved for films like Flight Of The Navigator and Mega Shark 3 (director’s cut). No, Frank is a “serious” British actor that has been in so many films, plays and TV specials from the 1950’s to present, I couldn’t read off the list without taking a pee break. But in that whole list that I am not willing to type, I really only recognized a few like The Pianist, Life Force (amazing space vampire movie) and The Three Musketeers followed a year later by The Four Musketeers (no idea). So with that, thanks Frank. Thanks for scaring the figgy pudding out of me on the most joy-est day of the year.
I don’t know if you will remember the “Claymation Christmas Special” but if you do, you will be just as outraged as I am that this isn’t a Christmas classic like “Merry Christmas Charlie Brown” or” How The Grinch Stole Christmas”. No, this amazing TV special died with the dawn of Pixar animation because let’s face it; claymation takes artistic talent and computer geeks out number them 10 to 1. You can probably find the clay animators working for “Ace of Cakes” or something.
So where are our hosts Rex and Douches-Tricer-whocaresish?
Like you didn’t already know that?
“Santa, there is a little boy who wears bear sweaters and corduroy pants that lives in Marietta, Georgia. I think his style is amazing and I totally want to go steady with a guy like that.”
That was actually in the 1985 movie Santa Clause and the actress Carrie Kei Heim said that. I think they edited it out in the TV formated version but I remember it.
Seriously though, I had a huge crush on the young actress as a kid. And if you are a 31-year-old straight male that remembers 1985, you did too. Unfortunately she wasn’t in too many other movies other than Parent Trap II and a few TV programs like “Pippi Longstocking” and “The Equilizer”. No matter, though because she has a successful life as a lawyer, wife and mother of one in Boston. I like learning that child actors have another destiny besides being a guest on “The Smoking Gun TV show”.
That’s where I am going to leave this addition of “Where Did You Go” for the 2009 Christmas season. We learned that Flick’s pole licking led him to a carrier in pornography, Marley is arguably the scariest of the ghosts in The Christmas Carol (except for Goofy), Claymation is awesome and the only way for a comeback is to go buy your own Play-do set, and the cute girl in Santa Clause grew up to be boring and a lawyer. So that means she is damned to Hell. Well, that’s pretty interesting.
Casserole of Disaster 