Category: Random

Almost 30

Here I am, at the twilight of my 20’s. Within a few months I will be thirty and I am not taking this as well as I predicted at 25. I guess there is a realization that no longer will it be acceptable to drink 10 beers, stand on my bar stool yelling, “I AM A GOLDEN GOD!” I can no longer show up at the office and have my Cheap Trick t-shirt show through my white Brooks Bro. shirt. And soon I will need to break the habit of getting up early, making the hung over stroll to the bathroom and getting into the shower only to find out I still have my socks on. Hrm… but who am I kidding? I will probably be doing all of these things well past retirement. There are, however, a lot of tell tale signs that I am getting older which I can not help. Let me count the ways…

Drinking tea doesn’t define one as “older”. My English chum in grade school drank tea while I downed Kool-Aid after countless hours building Lego towns. That is why I never associated tea with age or being refine. Now that I am older I have to have a cup before I retire for the night. It’s more of a sleep aid and something to sip while catching the end of a hockey game but one thing is for sure, I need it.

A month ago I was visiting my Dad and I noticed he only had Earl Grey which has a considerable amount of caffeine in it. Knowing that there is a good chance of tossing and turning later that night I decided to go to the store and get my tea with the sleepy bear on it. Before I left I yelled upstairs to my father, “Dad, I’m going to make a tea run, you want anything?”

“Tea-run?” When did beer-run turn into tea-run?

As I was driving to the store I really began to ponder at what time in my life did tea replace beer? I shrugged it off but that was the beginning of me becoming acutely aware to the fact that I am or have grown up. I bought the tea, bananas, 1/2 a gallon of milk, sour apple Bubble Yum and the DVD, Cheech and Chong’s Up In Smoke for $5.99. Take that maturity.

I really spend less and less time in front of the boob-tube but in comparison with normal people it is still a considerable amount of time. I can’t help the fact that I like TV because really, I was raised on it. The shows, however, have changed and now I find myself flipping through the channels with extreme prejudice because the last thing I want to have happen to me in my own house is feel bad, become ignorant and have sexual innuendo and political crap forced down my throat. I can do that on my own, thank you very much. Here is a list of some of the changes in TV watching I have made for no other reason than the fact I am getting older.

  • Family Guy- I don’t know if it is me or that the writers are really reaching for material lately but I can barely last fifteen minutes into an episode without changing the channel. I guess it is because of the condescending tone of the program. It’s very partisan and they hide behind the cleverness of random flashes that rip on obscure 80’s sitcoms and pop culture. So all in all, the show has about 10 minutes worth of material and if you are don’t vote democrat than you are an idiot. Got it. Now I’m bored.
  • South Park- Loved it in 1997 and love it now. This show gets better every time I see it and you know why? Because no one is safe. They attack everyone and the episode that used anthropomorphic hilarity on Oprah’s vagina literally made me hug the TV. I bet she never imagined that her vagina to be in a parity of Al Pacino’s , Dog Day Afternoon. It’s a smart program and for that and that alone, I appreciate it.
  • MTV- I blame 9/11 on MTV because even I hate America after watching just a little bit of that crap. And that is coming from a guy who recites the Pledge Of Allegiance every time he brushes his teeth.
  • Little People Big World- Love the show, love the people and little people who play soccer is still funny. But I don’t feel bad for laughing because that show makes me appreciate all people no matter what because I think diversity is grand. I wish I had a little person as a friend.
  • The news- I watch Fox in the morning, CNN Headline on XM on the way to work and come home and watch PBS McNeil Lehrer News Hour at night. Why? Because I am old enough not to trust anything the media says and I need to take the average of three sources. Fox for the right, CNN for the left and PBS for the way the world outside the US sees it.
  • Golf- Holy shit I am getting older. I like to watch golf on TV and this is strange because I hate to play it. I think it is because of the last two times I was out with my Dad we had some complications. The first one was when my Mom became angry that someone the group behind us accidentally hit into us. I must say that his drive cleared 300+ yards and was pretty amazing so i didn’t think much of it. Mom, on the other hand, walked up to his ball and made an equally incredible hit right back at him. This breach in golf etiquette led to a quick gallop off the course and into the car. The second one I’ll save for another blog. It will have me, Dad, a fat guy in boxers, dented french doors, a nine iron and cops. All leading up to me swearing off golf forever.

That was really off topic and a little bit of a tangent. Sorry about that.


I pick fat free or reduces fat over anything regular at the grocery store. I don’t know when I started doing this but if it says it’s lower in cholesterol I will probably pick it over something that says “yummy” or “taste-plosion”. Am i concerned over my weight or blood pressure? Not really but I think we all have this built in health alarm that kicks in when our metabolism slows. Much like how babies instinctively know not to breath underwater, guys at 29 know that Cheetoes are acceptable only when baked. And also we stop wiping the cheese powder on the non exposed side of the couch.

Many of my friends have kids going to school now and that freaks me out. I can handle my buddies getting married, buying a house and even having a baby. However, the thought of my drinking buddies helping their offspring with homework while the biggest concern in my day is whether I want to have take out or just grab a salad and beer at Wild Wings freaks me out. Why it freaks me out is because I am a little jealous. But first thing is first and I should start with a dog. If i don’t over feed him and the neighborhood dogs don’t pick on him then I’ll move on to a kid.

Well, I need to get ready for another business trip. This has been a pretty lame post so I apologize. I will go to 30 with dignity but for now I am go to enjoy my twenties the best way I know how. Beer, boobs and blogs.

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Rock, Flag and Eagle

( September 12, 2001 – Bosnia )

So Veterans Day has come and gone and if it wasn’t for my channel surfing I probably would have been none the wiser. The irony is that I served six years in the Army with two combat tours and one NATO tour, so while technically I am a vet, I just don’t feel like one. To me a veteran is a lot older and wiser. They are the fathers and grandfathers who have seen Hell but you would never know it by meeting them. They are the backbone of America and I just don’t feel that I am someone who can or should fill those shoes. My service isn’t something I like to talk about because I have lost some friends in both Afghanistan and Iraq. I have also had friends come back severely injured. This alone will keep me from boasting vet status so to me, these guys are the vets and really they are my heroes. Thanks Chris, Steven, Chuckle, Dwayne, Brian, Tee Dum, SSG Lynn and B. Berserk. You are never forgotten. That’s all I have to say about that.

So, just like how I deal with everything and the constant running theme of VeggieMacabre, here’s a little humor to lighten to mood.

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MBA Online Blues

This is what I am on the verge of doing right now. I have been “in class” for nearly two hours. I guess I am lucky to be “in class” in the comfort of my living room but believe it or not, I wish I was in a real classroom. Why? Well, for one I wouldn’t be writing this right now and two, Villanova grad school is hard and the distance make simple concepts more complex. Take a look at my class room.

There is the class roster on top, the question box below, the professor’s voice light thingy is on the bottom and the power point shit is on the main right side. I wonder if, someday, all classes in college will be like this? I hope not because the chance of getting a real good grasp of a topic is really dependent on how quick one learns by listening. The train moves pretty fast and I’m a slow hobo. But then again, if this was a real classroom I couldn’t do this.

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Turn Two Days Into Two Weeks

Sometimes I think I take things to the extreme. I have had the past two days off and I have purposefully stayed away from the computer, the TV and any form of technology. Dedicated to making these days as long and dull as possible I have read an entire desk reference, Lewis Third Edition Project Management and the feel good management style book, This Is Your Ship by Captain Abrashoff. To be honest with you I really wanted to to see what would happen if I ever became responsible and worst yet, sophisticated.

So Tuesday began at 5am with a cold shower to get the blood flowing. I remember my Grandfather swearing by the rejuvenating effect it had on him each morning. Makes you wonder why he died of a heart attack, huh? I think I screamed a little and while toweling off I couldn’t help but hum Tommy Petty’s, “American Girl”. I think it was because of the Buffalo Bill “tuck” scene from Silence Of The Lambs. I’ll let you figure that one out.

(In case you are wondering, this is what came up when I searched for an image of a”cold shower”. I couldn’t pass it up.)

After the shower I had breakfast which consisted of a sunny side up egg, plain toast and black coffee. As I ate I read the Wall Street Journal to the occasional sound of the percolating puff of the coffee pot. It almost made me crack and turn on the TV, even if it was to the sound of Dora the Explorer. Six a.m. and I was already going mad.

So there I was, about to start my day of enlightenment without the aid of instant information. Sitting at my desk I opened The Desk Reference of Project Management to page 1 out of 552. And there I sat for the next six hours reading with highlighter in hand. I made it all the way to page 10 when these sort of things started popping in my head.

“Does anyone eat inside a McDonald’s anymore?” – Seriously. I try not to eat fast food but sometimes on road trips the only thing to eat for miles is a double cheeseburger. But I always go through the drivethru unless I need to use the restroom but even then I get back in the car only to swing through the drivethru. Actually the last time I was eating in a McDonalds it was for a birthday party and my buddy urinated in the shoe bin of the playground. That didn’t go over well and there were a lot of barefoot kids walking to their minivans. Like I said it was many years ago and I imagine the only people who “dine” inside are 80 year olds who order the fish sandwich with a cup of Sanka.

“Am I too old to sign up for karate?” – Lately I have felt the need to walk around as a registered weapon but not for the purposes of throwing people through windows or kicking someone multiple times with one jump, but rather to wear the uniform. I saw this guy in Kroger a few weeks ago who was clearly over fifty but he was in his karate get-up and had a purple belt on. Now I know little about martial arts but I am pretty sure he only started a few years ago if he was only to purple. That inspired me to think about finding a dojo but I am worried I will be the only 29 year old among thirty 10 year old white belts. Then after class I would meet them out for ice cream in our uniforms and sneakers. Yeah, I don’t think so.

” If my life was on the line or for one million dollars, could I will myself into being a proficient roller skater?” – It’s no question to anyone that I can’t roller skate. I never had the desire to do so and even in middle school I scoffed at the idea. But if someone was pointing a rifle at me and told me to skate, I bet I could force myself into being a pretty decent skater. I am not talking about triple spin jumps or anything but I think I could do a few rounds around the rink without a catastrophic fall on the hip.

This guy isn't me but I wish it was

Well, before I knew it I was making skating motions with my feet, it was three hours later and I was up to page 125. I had no idea what I read but I was 125 pages ahead of where I started. So to make this long day shorter for those who are reading this, I finished the entire desk reference. All I needed to do was focus with the aid of reading allowed, walking in circles and making up songs to the theme of cost reduction metrics and work management scope plans. Before I knew it, the day was over and I retired to bed and had sweet dreams of everything boring.

I got up the next day to another cold shower, bland breakfast and preceded to read another book. This one was a little better but still not something to keep you on the edge of your seat. It was about how a captain in the Navy inspired his crap crew to be the best in the service and how he did it. Yadda, yadda, yadda….take your $70,000 annual Navy salary, think outside of the box, impress people who think inside the box, sign a million dollar book deal on how you did it, travel around to be a keynote speaker for the rest of your life. Got it.

After all that I have managed to make my two days off seem like two weeks. That’s the secret to elongating a vacation. I guess that is why the elderly drive 35 miles per hour on the freeway, watch CSPAN and Home Shopping, eat at 4pm and read nine newspapers a day. I have cracked their code. Just two days seemed like two weeks so I imagine retirement must seem like a second life.

To wrap up the two days I picked up Chinese food, turned on the tube to South Park, checked the email, felt flattered by the kind compliments from the last blog I wrote and read everyone else’s blogs. I must say that everyone on my blogroll is more talented than the people who wrote the two books I finished. It was very apparent. I’m lucky to have blog buddies that are so talented.

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Putting the “Me” in “Extreme” with the Ultimate Warrior

In every profession there comes a time when thoughts drift to where the grass grows greener. I think I am there. It’s not that I am unhappy, it’s just that always being on the move is wearing me down and I would love to be in one state for more than just a couple of weeks. But before I can even think about jumping head first into the interview process again I need to revamp my style. Now that I have a few years of corporate experience I really need to have a more direct and aggressive approach to knock the socks off any CEO or senior exec. I need inspiration. Who can help me with this?

Screen Shot 2014-04-09 at 10.06.16 AM

 

Ah, The Ultimate Warrior! The guy would put passion into every syllable he speaks, whether it makes sense or not. Most believe he is completely crazy but I find a little genius in his madness. Who else can go on a screaming rant about planets, trees, Grimlock Systems, multiple gods, and poodles without so much as a shrug from the audience. Granted they were the type of people who thought wrestling was most definitely real and Ultimate Warrior goes home each night to his spaceship but that is beside the point. The point is he can win the hearts and minds of anyone with a whole bunch of nothing and if I am going to swing my resume at a fortune five company, I want to have that gift. Here’s an example of what I am talking about. Enjoy.

Let’s see…..I got logs, fire, Hercules, flames that go up and down and that’s about it. See what I mean? There is no real congruent thought process going on there but for some reason I feel compelled to agree with what ever he says. I think he can help me put the “me” in “extreme”. Let’s study another video shall we?

Look at that intensity! How can any interviewer deny the dedication of someone who approaches them with mouth agape and hissing? I would skip the whole “You’re not worthy enough to breathe the same air as me.” I doubt that would be appreciated right off the bat so that line will be put in the back pocket for a later date. I will use it, though. Just give me time. Maybe I should practice a simulated interview before I go full on with the real thing? Hmmmm….I need more inspiration.

Ok, that was a little over the top but I think I have it! I do need to work on my snorts but over all I think I have the gist of it. Now it is only me here tonight. All my buddies are having fondue date night or some lame ass thing so this practice interview will take a little imagination, a little dress up, and a total disregard for any dignity I may have left. Ahhh….if you have been a reader of VeggieMacabre you know I have kissed my dignity away a long time ago. Anyway, this is only helping my future in corporate America. Right? Keep in mind I am 29 and this is my Saturday night.

Interviewer: Let’s see….. who is next? Bill….

“Wendy, could you go ahead and send in my 9:00?”

Interviewer: H…hello, you must be Bill. Please have a seat? Would you care for a cup of coffee?

Me: Isssssssss it extREME?

Interviewer: I think it is just regular. Well, let’s get going. I have a copy of your resume and you have the experience and meet the education requirements but I was wondering about your cover letter. “I’m fucking awesome?” that seems a little….direct. Don’t you think? And it’s misspelled too.

Me: YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO TALK TO ME, NORMAL. YOU DON’T EVEN DESERVE TO BREATH THE SAME ..er…ahem…I was going for a straight on approach. After all, isn’t that what a cover letter really says, anyway?

Interviewer: Ah, that does make sense. I admire your candor and honesty. Are you familiar with the history of our company?

Me: Back when the gods aligned the planets in the grimlock system I WAS FORMED TO UNDERSTAND THAT only I can grasp the miSSION STATE-MENT of your placccccccccccce of paycheck origon. So yes I am familiar and that is why I feel I can be not only an asset to it’s future but someday be a relic of it’s history.

Interviewer: Very good. If you could choose one thing to be your weakest trait what would that be?

Me: *SNOOORRRRRT* THE SMELLLLL OF COMMMBAT drives me mmmmMMAD! That and I have always had an impatient attitude from outside contractors of the work breakdown structure plan. I need to delegate more effectively from inside the scope.

Interviewer: Ok then, so what do you feel is your strongest?

Me: DO YOU ASK YOUR GOD THIS QUESTION WITHOUT BEING BURNED LIKE A FOREST TREE UNDER LIGHTNING? LOAD THE SPACESHIPS WITH THE ROCKET FUEL! But really I think the training with the airlines and the MBA tasks this year alone has prepared me and sharpened my strongest assets…..so I guess it is the ability to inspire teamwork. Normal.

Wendy: Mr. Larson, your daughter has comeback from the art class in the conference room. Should I send her in?

Interviewer: Oh shoot. Sorry Bill, it is “Take your daughter to work day”.

Yes Wendy, send her in.

Bill: *snortttttt* (long exhale) No problem at all.

Interviewer: Meet my daughter, Lola.

Bill: YOUR OFFSPRING LOOKS A LOT LIKE YOU! STOP LOOKING AT ME NORMAL ONE!


Interviewer: OH My God!


I think we are done here.

Bill: So…..should I call or will you guys call me…?

Interviewer: Get out.

Well, maybe the pumpkin simulation of the brief interview process shed some light why the Ultimate Warrior maybe a little more than I needed after all. But I sure like his style. Plus, he can’t be all that bad. He’s anti smoking!

*Sorry you were subjected to this tonight. I was just burned out from studying and needed to regress a little.*

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