Category: Random

I Have Questions

  • In the show All In The Family, why is Edith always running? I have seen every episode and I have never seen her walk.
  • If you have a lisp, can you even say the word ‘lisp’?
  • Dogs hate it when you blow on their face but they stick there heads out car windows?
  • Why do I always touch the plate at a Mexican restaurant when the waiter clearly says “hot plate”?
  • I love San Fransisco but I just read an article that the city is looking to regulate all restaurants to ban all trans fats, add a 3% charge to all hotels and dining for the city’s socialized medicine, and make selling bottled water illegal. I can’t understand how a city that prides itself on diversity and individual choice can do the exact opposite? I am wondering when the former Soviet Union will declare San Fran their new home?
  • I get very uncomfortable when people are singing while making eye contact with me. I wonder why that is?
  • I am sure I can Google this but I would rather ask it to you; can you please explain to me why Hawaii has interstates again?
  • Math

Anyone have any answers? Or did I add to your list of questions?

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Snake In The Garage

I feel pretty fortunate to live relatively close to my parents for the time being. After I turned 18 I pretty much left for 7 years straight except for the occasional holiday and I believe that took a toll on the family because I am the only one they had. I guess youthful indiscretion can be at times better worded as selfishness. But now that I am older I recognize the importance of spending family time even when this happens.

So I am at work, knee deep in superficial issues and figuring out other peoples dilemmas when I get a cellphone call from my Mom. I make a point to not answer personal calls at work but then she called again before the voice mail alert beeped. Maybe it is the fact that there are elderly people in my family and I am extremely paranoid over the well being of my parents, because I broke my cardinal rule and picked up.

“Bill, you need to come home right now”, Mom said in a shaky voice. My heart stopped.

I asked what happened as I frantically made my way to the elevator. There was a long pause and then she quickly said she would call me right back and hung up. As soon as I reached the bottom floor I made my way to the parking deck, my mind racing on every conceivable emergency. Did something happen to my Dad? Did my final Grandparent pass? Did one of my little cousins get ill? What could it be?

Now, I love my Mom but I know that she exaggerates the severity of issues. It’s not her fault, it was just how she was raised. We all have someone in the family that takes a situation and adds a touch of irrational thought and a pinch of panic. That’s her. So as I was driving out the garage I figured unless someone was dead I needed to subtract at least 20% from whatever I was about to be told. And then the phone rang.

I quickly demanded to know what was going on and then Mom said in a voice of pure excitement, “There’s a snake in the garage!”

Yep, there was a snake in the garage and I left every pending issue of corporate importance to drive 30 miles and due battle with a snake. I have to tell you that was a relief. I instructed her to call animal control and I would be there as soon as possible and not to shoo it out herself. If you think Mom would get excited to see a snake I couldn’t even comprehend the story if she was bit. Epic scale my friends.

So she informed me she already called 911. God I wish I could have heard that conversation. I imagine it would have gone like this:

911 Operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Mom: There is a huge snake in the garage!

911: Ma’am, can you describe what the snake looks like?

Mom: I don’t know, but it’s walking around on it’s hind legs! Come quick!

So I finally got there after I spent time on the phone consoling my very bothered Mom. I walked into the garage and saw no sign of a snake but I have seen Animal Planet. I know these thing coil in the furthest corners. So I peered over the first place that I would go if I were a snake and I found him. And it was exactly what I feared. A copperhead snake and it was poisonous. Fuck.

I have very bad luck when it comes to handling dangerous or any non-domesticated animals. I am always the one to walk away from a petting zoo with the handlers saying, “So sorry Billy, Danny the Deer has never ran down and bitten someone like that before.” So my chances of getting said snake from the opposite corner of the garage to it’s natural environment without getting bitten was not good. So I did what any guy in a suit with zero training would do. I took two golf irons and picked it up. (don’t do this)

Surprisingly, everything was going smooth. The snake wasn’t flipping out, I didn’t trip, Mom didn’t faint. Nope, 90% of the journey was smooth as silk. Right up to the point I gently put him/her down on the driveway. Then the little bugger did the unexpected.

Every nature show I have seen on TV paints the picture that snakes, when caught and then let go, take off into the wilderness because “it is more scared of you than you are of it”. Bullshit. That little bastard was on the ground for about ten seconds after I laid it down, sticking it’s tongue out with it’s head raised. Then right before I felt a sense of accomplishment it turned and made a beeline right for my leg. (shakes)

I don’t remember how I got to the end of the driveway. I think I miracled myself there. Regardless, that little bastard took approximately 30 dignity points away from me and fused my heart to the base of my throat. Jeff Corwin, suck it.

So we waited until animal control came and it took the guy about an hour to check the entire garage and came up empty. So now the next time I visit the folks I have to be worried about a very pissy foot long snake that wants to bite me. Winter can not come soon enough.

As for Mom, she may never use the garage again. I feel bad that I botched that up but she still made me a sandwich and lemonade. It’s funny that moms have a way of fixing issues through food.

20

We Are Still On It!

You said it, dog! I have been slipping on Macabre Fitness but it looks like the final website will be finished by the next week. I just didn’t want people to think I have forgotten. Apparently if you have corporate sponsors for races and shoe retail companies advertising, they have more say in what goes on than I originally thought. But, whatever. The blog still belongs to me.

Speaking of the blog, I just posted a new one about music that should be in your MP3 player when rocking out a workout. Take a look and share your own music. I need some more tunes.

Macabre Fitness

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I’m Doing This Before I Die

I think most people have a list of what they plan on doing before they die. Whether it is a completely insane like hang-gliding off the Empire State Building or as simple as going to Italy I have always had a respect for those who at least value life enough to make a future list. We only go around this merry-go-round once (I think) so we should make the most of it.

Really, this thought was inspired by the late, great Professor Randy Pausch. If you are not familiar with him let me catch you up to speed. He was a computer science professor at Carnegie Mellon until he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer that metastasized through his body so rapidly, there was nothing that modern medicine could do but give him 3 to 6 months to live. Knowing his mortality he gave the most inspirational lectures that I have ever heard about living to live rather than preparing to die. He lived his last days the way we should live everyday. An amazing person. Here is a quick clip about Randy and I will post the entire lecture at the end of this post. Please watch it at some point.

So here is my list of what I want to do before I check out. Some of these may seem ridiculous but it’s my list so back off! Just kidding. They may seem a little silly.

  • I want to climb El Capitan. Just the thought of standing next to this rock makes me momentarily lose bladder control. I have a long way to go for this so I am starting small. Yesterday I climbed onto the roof of my car.
  • Learn the entire Thriller dance. Plus the “Moon Walk”.
  • Qualify and complete the Hawaii Kona Triathlon.

  • Pet a live Great White without losing a limb or cutting this list short.
  • Perform the Heimlich on someone. That is depending on circumstance but if push comes to shove, I might just “mistake” someone as a choking victim just to knock this one off the list.
  • Watch the space Shuttle take off from Cape Canaveral.
  • See Iron Maiden, reunion of The Darkness, and Daft Punk in Germany.
  • Streak somewhere.
  • Get an IHOP sponsor for a relay eco-challenge team so I can legitimately claim we are powered by pancakes.
  • See Aurora Borealis.
  • Sing Flock Of Seagulls at a Karaoke bar in Key West, FL.
  • Learn “Classical Gas” on guitar.
  • Tell everyone I have wronged how sorry I am and tell my family that I love them all.
  • Mentor a kid.
  • Maybe have a kid of my own.
  • Catch a home run from an opposing team and then throw it back onto the field.
  • Read War and Peace, understand it and then teach it.
  • Watch the F-14 fly again.
  • Write my book and make it to some best seller list.
  • Throw a paper airplane off the Eiffel Tower.
  • Swim in the Dead Sea.
  • Write a blog about a lot of nonsense.

There are a lot more but that is what I have for now. I am sure most people would have more meaningful items but then again, I don’t live a life like that. You have to have fun. I think that is the secret to life. I wish I could have asked Jack Palance.

Here is Professor Randy Pausch’s entire final lecture. Please watch if you have the time. It will be worth it.

15

Am I Really This Bad?

I write mostly in public places like coffee shops or the airport because I am one of those types that requires background noise to concentrate. I guess it was my time in the Army where I learned to sleep on the hand grenade range and could read Ernest Hemingway’s For Whom The Bell Tolls while waiting to jump from a C130. But recently my state of concentration has been broken by people praying together out loud. I can’t quiet figure out why but it makes me feel so uncomfortable I start to shift in my seat like I am regretting the decision to sport a cheetah and lace thong. I believe in God and I am comfortable with my faith but for some strange reason I hate it when there are three business men planning strategic development of a project and stop every ten to twenty minutes to pray. The God I choose to believe in answers prayers for the sick and destitute not for promotions and golf scores!

Ugh, maybe I am being too cynical. I guess people sharing faith is a good thing. Perhaps I have more of the Devil in me than I would like to know. Regardless, these dudes seem like the type that would be pretty annoyed if a Muslim started bowing to the east in here or a Wiccan broke out into chant or me as a Catholic got drunk and took off my shirt. So all I have to say is, take it to the house because you are harshing my blog.

In other news, tonight is the big premiere of Dean Karnazes movie, 50 Marathons. It will only be showing tonight so if you can, get tickets and go see it. It will be an experience not to be missed! You can find out which theater it will be showing near you right here. The guy ran 50 marathons in 50 consecutive days. Incredible.

Edit: Crap! This didn’t post until now. So I guess you missed Dean’s movie but that’s ok. I am writing a review of it right now and I bet it will be on DVD real soon.

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