Category: Life

The Great Trek: Day 3

This is crazy! This is crazy! This is crazy! – Clark Griswald

It’s funny when you drive across country where your mind tends to go. I think I changed my voting preference at least 10 times based on whatever XM radio talk show I was listening to. I managed to sing “Stairway To Heaven” in Pig-Latin and made up my own sociology project by looking at passing drivers and pointing straight at them. Only one pointed back. What else am I suppose to do when driving across North Dakota? This is all I saw for 6 hours:

The good thing is that the speed limit increased to 75 mph so I pushed it to 85. And so did everyone else. With a cross wind of at least 35 mph I had my left foot depressed on the floorboard as if I was applying left rudder. You can’t take the pilot out of the plane, I suppose. That was enough to make me pay attention so I didn’t fall asleep and hear the familiar “bump bump bump rrrrrrrrrrr” sound as I drive off the highway.

And through the plains came the mountains. This is on the west side on North Dakota and I became a little more perked up as it was clear I had arrived at the beginning of the scenic route. It’s amazing how these hills and mountains just start. That sounds dumb because, well, how else should they? I guess after 2 and a half days of driving I can be impressed by anything. Especially the fifty foot cow you see above.

These are the Bad Lands and Holy Schmit they were awesome. As a city boy I am in awe how anyone could have lived here. The theme song to Dances With Wolves was constantly in my head as I walked around the park, looking at the wild horses way up on the top of these peaks and wondered, “aren’t they hot?”. It was a really inspiring break from the road. Right up until I saw this:

Back in the car!

Well, I drove straight on to Billings, Montana were I found a cozy spot at a Holiday Inn Express. And I needed a beer, stat. So I moseyed (I can do that since I was in Montana) over to the bar next door. And no shit, that’s were there were real cowboys. There is nothing better than sitting in between a bunch of the toughest dudes in America in designer shoes, Banana Republic jeans, The Clash t-shirt and order a Michalob Ultra. Especially when the Loretta Lynne looking bartender said “we got Bub and Budlight, sweet thing”. I got a Bud. Maybe I overplayed my hand on that one.

This story had a happy ending, though. The beers were only $2.25. Then I moseyed on back to my room.

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The Great Trek: Part 2

Adventure is worthwhile in itself. – Amelia Earhart

I got up relatively early on day 2 because for one, I passed out before 10pm and two, I gained an hour since I was now in central time. And by early I mean 5am. So, I showered, brewed coffee, watched the news, raided the breakfast bar downstairs and climbed into the Element cockpit, refreshed with a renewed sense of adventure. So adventurous was I that I decided to go off the recommended AAA road map and take route 65 straight north to Heaven, er, Iowa. (That was a Field Of Dreams joke) I am glad I did it, too.

I saw lots of what you see above. I guess that is harvested wheat? Whatever it is, it is as far as the eye can see. To me, it looks like God spilled his bag of Combos. You see that too? Hrm, I guess I might be alone on that.

Actually everything was very pretty for the first hour. Then it became pretty boring. I can sum up route 65 into 12 words: Cow Cow Cow Corn Corn Corn Cow Cow Cow Corn Corn Corn. That is pretty much it. I am glad I didn’t talk my friend into coming who likes to break out with an ‘I Spy’ game every ten minutes. It would have gone something like this:

Friend: Wanna play ‘I Spy’?

Me: Um…sure?

Friend: Ok, I’ll go first. I spy something red.

Me: Is it a barn?

Friend: Uh…yeah. Ok, let me try again. I spy something brown.

Me: A cow?

Friend: Fuck you, asshole.

I am positive that is how it would have gone. He is very touchy about losing that game for some reason. Maybe it’s because no one else gave a shit and he always won by default?

So, about hour 2 into the the drive I passed by a bunch of bikers. Normally I wouldn’t have thought anything about it because, lets face it, Harley Davidson really took the balls away from the average biker when accountants and stockbrokers started sporting leather and Softtail bikes. But these dudes were in formation, ZZ Top beards and giving the Heil Hitler salute to me. Maybe I scare easily but that freaked me out. I hate Nazis. It’s ok to hate Nazis, right? I know it’s not right to hate but Nazis are the exception, I thought.

I told myself I wouldn’t touch on this but I have to. So, after I escaped the 4th Reich I needed gas, so I stopped at the Kum and Go and used the Jerk and Spurt to fill up my car. It’s a good thing I already had a drink and I didn’t need a 32oz Suck and Slurp. Oh my goodness. I sent Mandy this picture because I couldn’t keep it to myself. Are these through out the Midwest and if so, do people think that’s funny?

So at this point of the trip my excitement level began to climb steadily because I was soon to rendezvous with a fellow blogger in Minnesota. I apologize for the smeared windshield. That is all bug guts. I think by the end of this trip I was responsible for the deaths of over 10 million bugs. There are bugs all over the US flying their flags at half mast right now.

So, who did I meet? Kristaine! The mastermind behind the very famous The Pilver.

This was such a treat! Generally people who meet from online groups or blogs can be a bit of a let down but not Kristaine! She was every bit as funny, smart and entertaining as she is on The Pilver and X-E. I have to say that it was a great couple of hours and I look forward to meeting more of my blog buddies. So, if I show up at your house don’t worry, I’ll come with food and beer. Thanks KB!

Well, after Kristaine and I parted ways continued on to my resting spot in Fargo, North Dakota. Yes, I had to go there. And I bought a t shirt too!

Tomorrow I will post day 3 and 4. I bet you are excited to read about my drive through North Dakota, aren’t ‘cha? I know you are.

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The Great Trek: Day 1

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by. – Robert Frost

So last Monday I backed out of the driveway for the last time, put the car in drive and left the neighborhood for the great trek to the Northwest. I passed my favorite coffee shop, my cleaners, the gym and my running track, waving goodbye to each one. There wasn’t even a bit of sadness but rather excitement and tinge of nervousness because well, this is crazy. I left with what I could pack in a 2008 Element, a four day trip ahead, no familiar faces and no home to go to when I get there. I feel like I threw a parachute out of the plane and then jumped. But through adversity comes greatness. Or at least good blog material. I’ll break it down by days.

Day 1!!!!!

So I started off driving straight up I-75 towards Nashville, TN. I would elaborate on the details to be honest, I can’t remember very much about it. And even if I did, you would be so bored I bet it would force you to turn off the computer, tie the chord around your neck and throw it out the window. So for your safety and my reputation as a mediocre blogger, I’ll save you the story. But I did stop by Adams Tennessee to see the infamous Bell Witch site. I’m weird like that.

Yeah, I had to stop there after learning about this odd piece of American history on the History Channel. You have to go to these places with an open mind because nine out of ten times they are a disappointment. This didn’t. I have to say, right when I got off the highway I was spooked out and the many old farm houses and overgrown trees didn’t help. I can’t say that I believe in the ghost stories but when I got out of the car to take a few pictures, I swear I heard whispering all over the place. That was enough to make me get back to 75, most Ricky-Tick. I didn’t even take a photo, that’s how fast my visit was. If anyone is curious, the Bell Witch is in Adams Tennessee, and there is no lodging for at least 20 miles. The site is really tricky to find but when you do, I swear that the experience will hang with you for at least a day. Kind of like watching the movie Seven.

The next stop was my old stomping ground at Ft. Campbell, home of the 101st Air Assault. I have great memories of my brief time here and it just so happened that I needed a haircut. So, I stopped in for the famous $7 “suck-cut”. I’m serious, it’s a haircut that sucks as it cuts because the sheers are connected to a vacuum hose. Well, it’s the best haircut a guy can get for $7. On to St. Louis!

I guess this can be symbolic. It is the “Gateway to the West”, as Dad said when I text him this picture. He has been just beside himself that he couldn’t go on this trip with me but I made sure to keep him informed where I was as he followed at home with his atlas. It would have been great if he came.

I remember I took this picture at hour 8 of the trip because ‘All Things Considered‘ came on NPR. I have to listen to that show on every road trip. It’s tradition, really. If you haven’t heard of it I highly recommend you check it out because that program highlights so many aspects of the world and American culture. Just because my ass is atrophying after one million miles in a car doesn’t mean that my mind has to.

So I finally came to rest in Columbia, Missouri at a Hampton Inn, right across from U of M. At the end of day one I saw GA, TN, KY, IL and now MO. Though I went through many states nothing really note-worthy  happened. My battery was so low I skipped dinner and fell asleep, face down, shoes on, TV blaring Family Guy and computer left on X-Entertainment. Only three more days to go…

Well, that was day one. Later today I’ll post day two and it is full of great stuff including a meeting of a fellow blogger, cows and corn, getting a Heil Hitler salute from a bunch of Nazi bikers, and much much more. I bet you are excited. Huh? Huh? uhhh.

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Moving

Sorry it has been a while. That’s pretty presumptuous of me to apologize as if anyone was really waiting, huh? Well, anyway, it is for good reason. As of Monday I have resigned (even though I still went in yesterday) because I am changing careers and moving 2300 miles North West to Idaho. So, this coming Monday I will make the long trek across this great country and hopefully blog about it on the way. It’s a little scary, especially because the town I am moving to does business via fax only still. No shit, here is the conversation I had with a leasing agent about an apartment I a renting.

Me: Hello, I am moving to Coeur D’ Alene this next week and I saw from the classified ad that you have an open apartment for rent and I was hoping I could go ahead and get an application.

Lady: Oh Neat! Sure thing. Do you have a fax?

Me: I do but would it be possible if you could just put it in an email attachment since I will be putting personal information on it?

Lady: Oh, I am sorry. We don’t have the application on the Internets.

Me: *shit my own brain*

See why I might be a little nervous? I think the lady actually believes that the internet is a series of nets. Beside the fact I have no idea of what the apartment looks like. I bet she would mail me Polaroids if I was to ask. A leap of faith, my friends.

So that is my lack of posting excuse. I think that’s a good one. Now I have to get back to packing the essentials and buy a coat because I hear north Idaho can get cold, especially to a dude who lived the past couple of years in a subtropic climate. And for that very reason I may just grow a beard.

Oh, before I go I need you guys to take a survey. I have a buddy here who is just one of the greatest guys but I truly believe he is a hybrid.  It has always been up for debate who he looks like more. I will leave it up to you. Here he is below:

Here is another angle…

So study D’s features and tell me A) B) or C), who you think he looks like the most. I’m not being mean, I ask him this all the time. He always picks C.

A) Mick Jagger

B) David Johaneson

C) Ed from Iron Maiden

Choose carefully. Now I really have to go because there is a lady that just sat behind me and she is eating a plum like it’s her job. I can’t tell if she is eating the plum or the plum is eating her face.  Watch your fingers, lady!

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