Category: Humor

Insanity Has A Face

If there is any doubt that YouTube has changed the face of entertainment then I challenge that with the thousands of regular people who have become over night celebrities simply by uploading videos to share with the millions of people who probably are not doing what they should be. Like I said in a previous blog, if you feel like watching a dog named Bill eat a carrot, there is a good chance you’ll find it. For that, I am thankful. Actually I am going to say that at Thanksgiving dinner this year. Because then I would have missed an opportunity to review The Norma Lee Show.

Oh where to begin with this? I guess I’ll give you a little history before I introduce you to the lady herself. I lived in Atlanta a few years ago and anyone who lives there will tell you the morning commute on 400, 285 and 85 is much like getting a root canal. Luckily for me they had a great morning radio show on 96 rock called The Regular Guys Show. Somehow they found Norma Lee’s homemade recorded CD and played it on the air and I fell in love. I mean it was pretty fucking terrible as far as the music was concerned but her innocence was very endearing. I thought she had fallen off the face of the Earth until an accidental YouTube run-in this afternoon. Now I can share it with you. Enjoy…

Now you see that we are dealing with a pretty special case here. Inspired by the 80’s craze of music videos, she wrote, performed and produced this gem called “He’s Swapping His Boat For A Tractor”. The lyrics are pretty straight forward. It’s about her significant other who just retard (?) from a factory and he has all this land that a boat can’t help with. So he swapped his boat for a tractor with the help from God and his family. I’m still confused by the basketball, though.

Oh my God that was priceless! First off, the shout out to Dr. Phil made my millennium. I doubt there will be any references made to him that won’t cause me to break out into song, “HEY DR. PHIL..DO YOU WANNA..” You have to love the way she gives a real “fuck you” to Paris from the state of Kentucky. She pulled out all the stops and used such great props like a clock, stair rails for prison bars, Lightning McQueen from Cars, a few bottles and oh yeah, her own ass. So take it in stride Ms. Hilton and quit flapping your jaws.

“Reckon they got a caller I.D.?” I hate to break it to you Norma but they can’t see you through the phone. It makes one wonder if the bag over the head was a joke that went over her head. I also wonder if there is a dick of a person who is filming this and suggested she wear a bag. I hope not because she seems like a real sweet person. I don’t believe she will be asked to take the Mensa test but she looks like someone that will bake you a pie when you are sick. Even if the pie is filled will some thing strange like corn or baked beans. It’s the gesture.

I think this was creatively driven by Norma’s boyfriend. Only a country dude can make a video about guns, legs and toe-maters. I must say that I was a little uneasy hearing Norma moan while the camera focuses on her feet. I think someone has a fetish and now I won’t be able to sleep.

This must be a big thing around Kentucky because Norma is going out of her head. Her low octave tones inspires me to wipe out my schedule next Saturday and cruise the neighborhoods for yard sale signs. When I find one I will demand a song before I buy LA Gear sneakers and Kenner Star Wars toys with missing pieces. I wish I knew what Norma was selling. Hopefully autographed cassette tapes. “…come on down and buy my junk!”

I love this song. From the first time I heard it I immediately had mental pictures of Jesus actually copping a squat on a human heart. That image can make me laugh but at the same time terrify me to the core. It reminds me of what the creepy old guy in Poltergeist 2 was singing. Norma also teases us will cookies, Amish bread and the chance to catch a glims at a swing set just out of view from the camera. But at least we get to meet the baker of the Amish bread or at least his gut that eclipses 90% of the screen.

I think we will end on a high note. The song, “I’m Not An Old Dooshbag” (that’s how it’s spelled on the track) really knocked over some barriers in what I consider hilarious. Never in my 29 years have I seen dolls referenced in a song about a dooshbag complimented with a singing Grandma and a background Sony keyboard demo beat. I would use the word awesome but I think it falls short. So I will say niftyawesomebadasscool.

Norma Lee, you have touched my heart. There is no way I will cruise the YouTube world with out stopping by the Norma Lee Show to see what is new. I can’t believe your album has not gone platinum yet but give it time. The world will soon know your talent and I hope that day is soon. At least before you retard. (?) And Norma….you are no dooshbag.

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Almost 30

Here I am, at the twilight of my 20’s. Within a few months I will be thirty and I am not taking this as well as I predicted at 25. I guess there is a realization that no longer will it be acceptable to drink 10 beers, stand on my bar stool yelling, “I AM A GOLDEN GOD!” I can no longer show up at the office and have my Cheap Trick t-shirt show through my white Brooks Bro. shirt. And soon I will need to break the habit of getting up early, making the hung over stroll to the bathroom and getting into the shower only to find out I still have my socks on. Hrm… but who am I kidding? I will probably be doing all of these things well past retirement. There are, however, a lot of tell tale signs that I am getting older which I can not help. Let me count the ways…

Drinking tea doesn’t define one as “older”. My English chum in grade school drank tea while I downed Kool-Aid after countless hours building Lego towns. That is why I never associated tea with age or being refine. Now that I am older I have to have a cup before I retire for the night. It’s more of a sleep aid and something to sip while catching the end of a hockey game but one thing is for sure, I need it.

A month ago I was visiting my Dad and I noticed he only had Earl Grey which has a considerable amount of caffeine in it. Knowing that there is a good chance of tossing and turning later that night I decided to go to the store and get my tea with the sleepy bear on it. Before I left I yelled upstairs to my father, “Dad, I’m going to make a tea run, you want anything?”

“Tea-run?” When did beer-run turn into tea-run?

As I was driving to the store I really began to ponder at what time in my life did tea replace beer? I shrugged it off but that was the beginning of me becoming acutely aware to the fact that I am or have grown up. I bought the tea, bananas, 1/2 a gallon of milk, sour apple Bubble Yum and the DVD, Cheech and Chong’s Up In Smoke for $5.99. Take that maturity.

I really spend less and less time in front of the boob-tube but in comparison with normal people it is still a considerable amount of time. I can’t help the fact that I like TV because really, I was raised on it. The shows, however, have changed and now I find myself flipping through the channels with extreme prejudice because the last thing I want to have happen to me in my own house is feel bad, become ignorant and have sexual innuendo and political crap forced down my throat. I can do that on my own, thank you very much. Here is a list of some of the changes in TV watching I have made for no other reason than the fact I am getting older.

  • Family Guy- I don’t know if it is me or that the writers are really reaching for material lately but I can barely last fifteen minutes into an episode without changing the channel. I guess it is because of the condescending tone of the program. It’s very partisan and they hide behind the cleverness of random flashes that rip on obscure 80’s sitcoms and pop culture. So all in all, the show has about 10 minutes worth of material and if you are don’t vote democrat than you are an idiot. Got it. Now I’m bored.
  • South Park- Loved it in 1997 and love it now. This show gets better every time I see it and you know why? Because no one is safe. They attack everyone and the episode that used anthropomorphic hilarity on Oprah’s vagina literally made me hug the TV. I bet she never imagined that her vagina to be in a parity of Al Pacino’s , Dog Day Afternoon. It’s a smart program and for that and that alone, I appreciate it.
  • MTV- I blame 9/11 on MTV because even I hate America after watching just a little bit of that crap. And that is coming from a guy who recites the Pledge Of Allegiance every time he brushes his teeth.
  • Little People Big World- Love the show, love the people and little people who play soccer is still funny. But I don’t feel bad for laughing because that show makes me appreciate all people no matter what because I think diversity is grand. I wish I had a little person as a friend.
  • The news- I watch Fox in the morning, CNN Headline on XM on the way to work and come home and watch PBS McNeil Lehrer News Hour at night. Why? Because I am old enough not to trust anything the media says and I need to take the average of three sources. Fox for the right, CNN for the left and PBS for the way the world outside the US sees it.
  • Golf- Holy shit I am getting older. I like to watch golf on TV and this is strange because I hate to play it. I think it is because of the last two times I was out with my Dad we had some complications. The first one was when my Mom became angry that someone the group behind us accidentally hit into us. I must say that his drive cleared 300+ yards and was pretty amazing so i didn’t think much of it. Mom, on the other hand, walked up to his ball and made an equally incredible hit right back at him. This breach in golf etiquette led to a quick gallop off the course and into the car. The second one I’ll save for another blog. It will have me, Dad, a fat guy in boxers, dented french doors, a nine iron and cops. All leading up to me swearing off golf forever.

That was really off topic and a little bit of a tangent. Sorry about that.


I pick fat free or reduces fat over anything regular at the grocery store. I don’t know when I started doing this but if it says it’s lower in cholesterol I will probably pick it over something that says “yummy” or “taste-plosion”. Am i concerned over my weight or blood pressure? Not really but I think we all have this built in health alarm that kicks in when our metabolism slows. Much like how babies instinctively know not to breath underwater, guys at 29 know that Cheetoes are acceptable only when baked. And also we stop wiping the cheese powder on the non exposed side of the couch.

Many of my friends have kids going to school now and that freaks me out. I can handle my buddies getting married, buying a house and even having a baby. However, the thought of my drinking buddies helping their offspring with homework while the biggest concern in my day is whether I want to have take out or just grab a salad and beer at Wild Wings freaks me out. Why it freaks me out is because I am a little jealous. But first thing is first and I should start with a dog. If i don’t over feed him and the neighborhood dogs don’t pick on him then I’ll move on to a kid.

Well, I need to get ready for another business trip. This has been a pretty lame post so I apologize. I will go to 30 with dignity but for now I am go to enjoy my twenties the best way I know how. Beer, boobs and blogs.

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Rock, Flag and Eagle

( September 12, 2001 – Bosnia )

So Veterans Day has come and gone and if it wasn’t for my channel surfing I probably would have been none the wiser. The irony is that I served six years in the Army with two combat tours and one NATO tour, so while technically I am a vet, I just don’t feel like one. To me a veteran is a lot older and wiser. They are the fathers and grandfathers who have seen Hell but you would never know it by meeting them. They are the backbone of America and I just don’t feel that I am someone who can or should fill those shoes. My service isn’t something I like to talk about because I have lost some friends in both Afghanistan and Iraq. I have also had friends come back severely injured. This alone will keep me from boasting vet status so to me, these guys are the vets and really they are my heroes. Thanks Chris, Steven, Chuckle, Dwayne, Brian, Tee Dum, SSG Lynn and B. Berserk. You are never forgotten. That’s all I have to say about that.

So, just like how I deal with everything and the constant running theme of VeggieMacabre, here’s a little humor to lighten to mood.

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Neurosonic In Augusta

What a weekend I had! Actually what a Friday I had. Saturday was spent working, nursing a hangover, and Christmas shopping via Amazon dot com. Even in flannel PJs, sitting on the couch drinking Earl Grey, I can still spend a few hundred bucks. Ah, but what are you going to do? The original Grinch was on TBS and that always gets me in the Christmas spirit.

So Friday. I really wasn’t planning on going out but you know how it goes. My buddy text me with two words that changed the course of my evening; “Beer and Rock Show?” If you ever want anything from me you can dangle those two words in front of me and I will do your bidding.

“Bill, I want you to eat the neighbor’s cat.”

“What? Get the fuck out of here! No way!”

“Beer and rock show?”

“Get me some Frank’s Red Hot sauce and I’ll fire up the Weber grill.”

So I went to MelloMushroom to meet my buddy and pre-drink a few beers when two guys sat down next to me that literally oozed hard rock. From the sleeve tattoos to the jet black hair, I knew these guys had to be playing the same venue I was going to. Just like the jackass I am, I couldn’t let these guys order a drink before I asked the typical idiotic question, “Are you guys in a band?” Luckily for me they didn’t give me the middle finger to the forehead and politely responded with a yes. Turns out they are Jason Darr and Jacen Ekstrom from the infamous Canadian band Neurosonic. Now I’m permanently stuck in The Clash era of punk/rock so I felt a little guilty when they were firing out certain bands that I had no idea of but I am not so out of the loop when they told me about being on tour with Korn and The Deftones with The Family Values Tour. That one I did know. I didn’t want to chew their ear off while they had dinner with the two hundred questions but they were cool enough to chat and really it ended up being just a few dudes talking about rock and roll.

This picture is a little grainy but you get the idea. They were cool enough to shoot the shit and take a picture so now onto the show! Actually I stuck around Mello for a few more brews and then went. I want to be as accurate as possible because as the night progresses, things get a little fogged.

Holy shit. Right when I got to The Mission (the venue Neurosonic played) I turned the corner and I immediately recognized on of the guys on the tour. It was Brian from X-Entertainment. If anyone knows me they know I am a regular to the X-E blog and one of my favorite things to do is read other people’s profiles to see what is going on in their lives. I guess I pay attention to that because in order for people to comment on X-E, they have to have something in common with me. With that said, I went right up to him and said, “Are you Brian?” There was a little awkwardness when he said, “Yeah?” Then I explained I was Bill from X-Entertainment and everything was copacetic. For what ever reason, he was apart of the X-E family and I felt compelled to make sure he was taken care of so I went out and got him dinner. Hey, when you are in my neck of the woods I’ll at least get you dinner. It’s a southern thing I suppose.

Well, soon Neurosonic took the stage and I will say they kicked ass. No, that’s an understatement. They were shockingly good. Kind of like jumping up on a bar-stool naked only to accidentally sit on your balls. No, that’s never happened to me! I just think that would be surprising. But seriously, these guys are unbelievable and they are going to be unstoppable in the next few years. I was really lucky to meet them and even after the show I had the pleasure of hanging out with them again. Here’s a little taste of their talent.

I’m not going to go in too much detail about the performance because I am writing an article for an online magazine I sometimes contribute to. I’ll post the link when it is published. It usually takes a couple of months to get submitted, edited and published but one of the editors shot me a call and she promised to have it in the December issue for the year in review. I hope it does Neurosonic proud. They deserve it.

Well, soon I had to get going because I know when it is time to say when. Actually the girlfriend called and I had to meet her up at another bar. So I made my way out after saying my goodbyes and went to go to hang with her. I could tell the beers were kicking in because before I left the bartender ran after me and gave me my sweater that I had left behind the bar. I forgot I had ask to keep it back there. Another sign was the fact I took this picture of a McNugget on the wine shelf of the bar.

I was able to hang in there for another hour or so before my thoughts drifted to a warm bed, Nick@Nite, and old pizza. I was ready to hit the hay so I said a second round of goodbyes and the girlfriend and I went to get into the car.

So I forgot where I parked the car. This was the only crap part of the night and it was a little embarrassing to walk up and down the street hitting the automatic car lock waiting for a familiar beep. Long story short I found it. Pride was dented but the car was found so everything was once again right with the world. What a night.

Oh yeah. It’s Veterans Day so as a vet I wish all the other ones a happy day and thank you. Rangers Lead The Way!

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