Category: Humor

Yawn Burp

 I know I am not alone on this. And if I am, I guess that is my luck. Today I had some quiet time for the first time in many a month. But it wasn’t alone time by any means. I was able to sneak away to a remote college coffee shop in Marietta, GA. It was the first time I had been there in years but I was in the area and desperate for free WiFi and Earl Grey. I did feel a little old to be in there but what ever. So what if I was the only guy in a suit?

I found a lone table in the far corner of the cafe, sat down and quietly unzipped my computer bag trying to not draw any annoyed attention to myself. With laptop safely opened, the tea lid off without the end of my tie in it and my bottom resting on the seat I began to feel safely assimilated with the rest. But soon my wake up call of  4:30 am reared it’s ugly head and the need to yawn over took my body.

It was a great stretchy yawn too. The type that peaks every sense in the body, expelling the tenseness of the day, charging the nerves, popping the ears and filling the lungs so full the need to breath again seems an eternity. I’ve never tried heroin but I would imagine if the dragon was caught, the zenith point of a stretchy yawn would be very similar. In other words, I believe this yawn/stretch to be a publicly and sociably acceptable orgasm.

Much like the life I lead, with great triumph come great tragedy.  Right when I was at the high point of the yawn it happened. I burped. I can only describe in words what it sounded like so here it goes.

mmmmrraaaaaaaooorrrruuu*URP* (abrupt stop)

I still had my arms fully stretched to the sides, but my mouth shut as I looked around wide eyed.  No one looked at first but everyone made eyes and began to smile. Even the damn cat that was sleeping on the register picked up it’s head and looked at me across the restaurant as if to say, “what the fuck, man.?”. Soon my ears began to heat as I slowly lowered my arms down. I can’t really explain why but I adjusted my tie and cleared my throat. Then I completely validated what happened by saying way too loudly, “excuse me”. Luckily I was the uncool suit in the room so no one responded.

Oh, well. That wasn’t as bad as what happened later. I tried to shove Splenda packets under one of the uneven table legs and I tipped my topless tea over. I just left. Mess and all. So all in all, today only cost me $2.95 for the tea and 1,000,000,000 cool points. Pretty cheap, huh?

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Easter In Review

I have always had a tough time completely understanding the link between Jesus Christ dying on the cross for our sins and chocolate bunnies. I’m a Catholic by birth and even though I sometimes find my faith in question I never forget that Easter is the one day you had better not miss church. I can blow off every other Sunday and watch football or something equally pointless but on Easter, God is taking role call. That’s where my Easter confusion comes to a head. When did bunnies and chicks start sharing the spotlight with my sins being forgiven? Look at this orgy of dysfunction.

I’m fairly certain that if the day of Easter had the ability to, it shit on this guys front yard. Just driving by it causes people to veer of the road in utter disbelief over the hundreds of inflatable bunnies and chicks. There is so much pastels on this property it looks like BearForce One was skydiving and had a catastrophic accident all over the yard.

Do you think that most of these inflatable rabbits and eggs are filled with exhaled bong hits? I do. I think in order to pull off this Easter horror house one has to be high or incredibly disturbed. I’m not talking triple coupon day at Michaels disturbed but Ed Gein disturbed. I bet everything inside the house is inflatable too. And that is enough to make me drive faster when passing this place.

An inflatable Peep for fuck-sake! Do you order these? Where would one buy such disturbing yard ornaments? Ask too many questions, I do. And that is a dangerous thing with people who have 4 foot bunnies hanging by their necks from both sides of the front door.

Sorry Jesus. I don’t know where we strayed but thanks for taking it in stride.

In other news I found Corey Taylor’s (front man for Slipknot) mother’s mask at Macy’s. It turns out she is the lead vocal for the home band in Iowa with the other mom’s of Slipknot. They call themselves Stitchknit. I kid, I kid.


You have to look sideways because I am weeetauted.

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Where Did You Go? Part 3

Ok, I can’t help but continue my tribute to those who aren’t a household name but are the center of my movie favorites. I think it is for that very reason I am such a fan of these people. I want to see what they are up to and I sometimes wonder if I would be the only weirdo that would recognize them in a grocery store and beg for an autograph on my box of Triscuits. So lets get going.

I like Darren Harris. We know Anthony Micheal Hall and of course John Cusack but what the hell happened to Darren? He symbolized the perfect geek in the movie Sixteen Candles, Better Off Dead and Weird Science. All three movies rank high on my 80’s must see. Darren was the best geek actor ever. Seriously the best because I am positive I was friends with this kid in high school. Everyone like me had an asthmatic buddy who knew how to build a computer, play the trumpet, had peanut butter sandwiches stuck in his braces and dreamed of one day becoming a Navy SEAL. I don’t know why but it is tough to find out about Darren other than his work as Cliff “Wheeze” in Sixteen Candles and he is from Canada.

Darren, if you read this please let us know what you are up to. I hope you are still alive man.

Thomas F. Wilson is Biff/Griff Tannen. Sorry Tommy but that is who you are. I know you have been in hundreds of TV episodes and animated voice-overs since then but every time I see you I will be waiting for you to knock on someones melon shouting “hello, hello butt-head!” Just kidding Tom. Actually Thomas Wilson is a really funny guy. His stand up is one of the best I have seen and believe it or not he is also a great musician. His hobby is a little strange though. He paints portraits of childhood toys. Hrm…

Fuckin’ eh it’s Porkins, baby! Actually it is William Hootkins This guy had a long career in some of the greatest films like Raiders of the Lost Arc, Batman and of course Star Wars: A New Hope. Believe it or not he was born in Dallas, Texas and moved to London after studying at Princeton and becoming fluent in Russian and Mandarin Chinese. It kind of sucks that he was such a brilliant man and talented on stage actor but landed the fat boy role as Porkins, the tubby X-Wing pilot. I always imagined his maintenance crew cleaning out McDonalds bags from the floor board of his ship. Poor Porkins.

William passed away in 2005 after losing a battle to pancreatic cancer. He was 57. The force will be with you William, always.

Well this is a little embarrassing. Apparently Gizmo was just a puppet. Moving on.

David Graf was just an awesome guy. He will always be Tackleberry from the Police Academy movies. Even though he has been in everything from M.A.S.H. to the Star Trek I can’t help but call every cop I see Tackleberry. It sucks to say this but Dave passed away in 2001 from a heart attack. I hate finding out these guys died when I am trying to see what they are up to today. I think I watch way too much TV because I feel like a classmate died.

I know I have written about Airwolf on here before but I wanted to focus on Jean Bruce Scott. It has always bothered me that in the intro there is a shot of her eating chicken. I still to this day only think of the character, Catalin O’Shannessy as a chicken eater. I’ll post the intro again for you to see. Today she is back in the saddle again producing and writing after a long hiatus from her acting career in shows like MacGuyver, Jake and The Fat Man, Matlock, Newhart, ect… But like the on going X-Entertainment funny, I don’t want to think about chicken when I am watching Airworlf.


What? Twiki wasn’t real either? So you are telling me this guy isn’t in Malibu right now? Son of a bitch. “beedee beedee!”

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What Scares You?

  I had a long discussion with a friend of mine about what is truly scary. Being the one who initiated the question I sat there listening intently to his concerns and terrors. It turns out that his scares were a real downer. Not what I was going for. You know, cancer, losing a loved one, financial fallout, career ending events….real stuff. When he was done he posed the same question to me and I simply nodded and listed the same. But that wasn’t what I was going for. I was talking about odd fears and it was clear that we couldn’t salvage that discussion after he dropped the “c” word. Cancer, not….you know. Anyway, this is what I was going for so now you will know.

Jim Henson’s serious muppets. I don’t like muppets that aren’t funny and I feel that their lack of punchlines are Satan’s work. I can’t describe it but I get the heebs just watching them. I think it is a gut feeling more than anything. Sort of like eating something that has expired and no matter how good it looks you know there is something off. That’s how I feel about drama muppets. Except for Fizzgig. I like Fizzgig.

This was the first truly terrifying moment in cinema for me. In 1985 my parents took me to see Ghostbusters and I still remember having the confused notion that this was a biker movie. I don’t know what goes through a 7 year old’s head that biker = ghost busting but who knows? Regardless of my expectations, within 10 minutes it became clear what Ghostbusters was when the free floating, full torso apparition changed into that thing above. I was so scared my feet fell asleep. Actually I believe they fainted. That scene took the innocents away from the movies for me. Before then the only shocker was Bambi’s mom getting smoked. From 1985 on, I had my guard up in the theater to keep me from shitting myself like I almost did that day.

Jerry Stiller’s hands are that out of a science fiction novel. They haunt my dreams and plague my thoughts with such questions like, “where does he buy gloves?” and “can he fit those grabbers in his pockets?”. You may think this a silly fear but Mickey Mouse hands freak me out. Hrm…. maybe it is Mickey that scares me.

The process of giving and taking blood makes feel completely weak. It’s not the needle as much as the bend in the arm and I’ll tell you why. Many moons ago when I was a private in the Army, I was volunteered to attend a combat lifesaving course. Not knowing what I was in for I gladly accepted the challenge. It was a two day course involving every form of battlefield casualty and many splints where made by yours truly. But the last day was reserved for the fun task of pair up and giving each other IVs. I didn’t think too much about this until they gave us a box of tubes, needles, iodine swabs, bands and a bag of fluid. Our instructor? It was a VHS US Army instruction video from 1980. Soon we began the process of administering the IV and let me tell you, there was blood. Lot’s of it. People were passing out, heads were hitting the floor, and spurts that hit the ceiling. To this day the smell of rubbing alcohol invokes an arm jerk reaction that makes Rock Balboa look like the girl next door chucking a football. I know that maybe an exaggeration and a poor comparison but at least you are imagining Sly Stallone throwing a football like a girl.

This is a stretch but my heart would stop if it ever happened. Minding your own business, swimming in a lake, far far from the ocean when all of the sudden a great white bites you. Think of the disbelief! Ever since Jaws, and I’m not alone on this, just swimming in a pool can bring up thoughts of teeth and fins. But really, the green hue of a man made lake, muddy bottoms and unsuspecting bathers really makes for a great movie. I know Bull sharks live in lakes and rivers as well as the ocean, but I talking about the big guy. The white death. I need to write to Spielberg.

Still a little freaked out by this. Nuclear war is far from most people’s mind but not mine. Not since seeing Sarah Conner’s dream.  It makes you wonder if anyone in the 50’s knew that hiding under your desk just wouldn’t cut it.

You see? I couldn’t talk about these irrational fears with anyone but you. Thanks for listening.

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