I am currently wrestling between iMovie and WordPress Video, neither of which will take my video that was shot a while ago. I am about to punch them in their computer faces. Especially since I have spent much cheddar insuring that enough space and editing software is made available. If I see another “HTTP ERROR” or YouTube Time-out I…I will just lose my shit. So until a little later tonight, I will entertain you with three creepy movie moments for me. Hopefully YouTube will not deactivate the videos before the end of the Samhain season.
UGH! There are so many great scenes in the 1979’s The Brood, but this particular scene makes the hairs standup and pretty much fall out. I think it’s how the music dies out and not only the teacher but the children are completely like “what the fuckin’ heck?”. It’s a brilliant scene and even though it seems a stretch that Fisher Price hammers could kill a person, the little devils in snowsuits remain high on the creepy list.
Okay, so this isn’t in English. That’s not the point of this particular scene in the 1997 creeper, The Blair Witch Project. I challenge anyone to turn off the lights, turn up the volume and watch this part of the movie without admitting a slight discomfort. Little dead kids laughing and making guttural sounds in the woods, miles away from any help, is enough to rename Captain Badass to Private Peepants. I especially love the foggy camera lens and the feeling of damp cold as the victims awake to a nightmare. Amazing.
The Exorcist will always go down as the movie to end all movies in my little world. There are numerous scenes that make you cringe or look away but when it comes to a creepy scene that only recently was introduced through the help of computers, the spider crawl really spooked me. I am not usually one to “add-to” a classic movie (GEORGE LUCAS) but if it’s a scene that causes me to wince in fright, I love it.
So, there are the three creepy scenes that will tide you over until I choke WordPress or iMovie. Whoever’s fault this is. I’ll be right back.
This story is a testament to how much simpler life was back when I was a kid. I had almost completely forgotten about this story until recently when I was talking to Kristen and low and behold, it just popped in there! The brain never ceases to amaze me because this memory has been stored for over twenty years only to randomly fallout like a picture used as a bookmark falling from a Garfield comic. (Because we all have read these in the 80’s) It comes at a good time too because this blog was turning into rubbish with mindless beer reviews and beef jerky. That’s no way to go through life, son.
Saturday nights for a certain period of my life were a special time. For whatever reason, from 7:00 to let’s say 10 or 11:00, my parents hosted a few couples from church for a bible discussion party. Well, I assume that’s what it was though I can’t be sure because my evenings were far better, which you will find out soon. After their bible yap, everyone would mingle and share the desserts each couple brought. I was allowed downstairs for that. Until then I was confined to the parents room with the TV, books of sharks, and whatever else a young seven-year old needed to pass the time. But at 9:00 my attention was devoted to a very special program that sometimes proved to be regretful whether it was later on at night from fears of what lurks under the bed or….well…keep reading.
I didn’t have cable until high school so with five channels (not including PBS because that was like watching school) and four channels on the smaller rotating dial, the selection was limited. But on Saturday nights there was quite the programing on Atlanta 46! The most memorable, of course, was “Tales From the Darkside”. For those not familiar, get out. I kid! I kid! It was a thirty minute program that featured two stories of macabre and strange tales usually starring some middle of the road actor from the time. Not all the shows were great but to a seven-year old, each one was a masterpiece.
One fateful Saturday afternoon my Dad informed me that a couple would be bringing their kids to the bible party and I would have to share my Saturday night of B-rated TV. While I was a little disappointed because as an only child I am a spoiled little dick, I had no say in the matter and began looking for the bright side. I mean, it could be fun.
It wasn’t at all. I knew it the second they arrived as I watched them pull into the driveway. These kids were melvins who brought their own pillows. They brought their own pillows for Christ sake! I sighed and walked limp-armed back to the parents room across the hall, head hung low and waited to hear people walk up the stairs. But instead Mom called for me to greet the un-welcomed guests and walk them to my Saturday sanctuary where no parental guidance was required.
I must have look like a pill giving a limp handshake to…Whats-his-face (let’s call him Jimmy for lack of memory) and his little sister, Rebecca.
Rebecca would be a problem for me.
With their idiotic board games and pillows in hand, we trudged upstairs to ruin my night. I offered to leave them in my room to do their will upon my collection of GI Joe and Legos, but that only appealed to Jimmy; the one kid I thought wouldn’t mind a night of twisted tales of grown up gore. Rebecca was stuck to my side like a rock in tire tread. Looking back as an adult it was pretty cute but to a kid that waited all week to hear the intro to “Tales From The Darkside”, it was an un-welcomed advance and there was no way to give these home schooled kids the slip.
Throughout the evening I tried to be entertaining and cordial. Jimmy wasn’t too bad, partly because he had Castle Greyskull to play house with and could care less about the world around him. Rebecca, however, sat hip-to-hip with me on the floor, eyes fixed on the TV as we watched “Small Wonder” and I nervously counted down the program schedule until “Tales From The Darkside” aired. Only one more “feel-good” show to go!
Dad brought us popcorn and cokes and asked if I was being a good host to which I responded “yeahyeah” without breaking gaze from the TV. He left to rejoin the adults and I could hardly wait because now was the time I had waited for patiently and even though I had to share this moment with these two weirdos, it was happening.
The intro alone distracted Jimmy from battling the forces of Cobra as he joined his sister and me on the floor, soon to witness the macabre and scary tales this glorious show had to offer. And brother, this one was a doozy! It was the first episode and pilot for the show that George Romero himself wrote and produced. The episode was called “Trick or Treat” and had demons, witches, pirate zombies and Satan himself all wrapped into a half an hour. Let’s break it down, shall we?
After the magical introduction we begin the story with a typical Scrooge-like character, Mr. Haggles, played by Bernard Hughes (one of my all time favorite actors). He is having his books balanced by a couple of accountants and we begin to learn what a cheap miser he really is, charging one of them .04 cents for another cup of coffee. But we also learn he has a twisted side too as he scares the two accountants into a bowel evacuation by an animatronic…thing that he uses on children during his favorite “SEASON”, Halloween.
It’s Willy from Alf!!!
That’s right. Mr. Haggles says what I have always believe and that is Halloween is a season, not a day. Anyway, he goes on to explain how every year he tempts the children in the valley to find the IOU’s of their parents that he holds liens on, hidden somewhere in his house, and if they find them all debt is forgiven. But no one ever has because of the terrifying tricks he has set up around his home.
We see during the afternoon of Halloween the bind he has on the parents as they are so deep in debt to Mr. Haggles that they even have to buy costumes for their children on credit in his general store. He taunts them into sending their children to the Hell house with the chance to have their debts forgiven.
Much like Romero’s style, there is a deep cultural issue hidden behind a cheeky horror story. We see how desperate people in financial distress can be and in some cases, putting their children in harm’s way to get out of their situation. I’m not going as far as saying prostitution but…kind of?
Oh Jimmy, find the IOU’s and get those much need braces or don’t find them and get a beating. The odds aren’t good since Mr. Haggles has a house full of spooky sounds and animatronic ghoulish surprises in store. Jimmy comes close but just couldn’t take the torture of Mr. Haggle’s taunts.
As Jimmy runs out of the house his father picks him up in a nurturing way and walks home defeated. Mr. Haggles laughs at the terrified kid but there is a moment when he has his bubble burst when Mr. Muldoon isn’t angry but rather a caring father. You can almost hear Mr. Haggles sigh a “humbug”. Who is next?
Another potential victim rings his doorbell and from his Wizard of Oz type control room, he looks to see who it is. Another kid? A parent coming to whoop an old man’s ass? Not quite!
In every story when a greedy person meets their fate, there seems to always be this third-party who’s entire being is for punishing the sinner. By far, this is my favorite punishment. He looks into the peephole only to see one of the scariest witches as she cackles a “trick or treat”. He opens the door to shoo away this prankster only to come to the realization that this is a real witch. She flies through the house on her broom and magically finds the hidden IOU’s and blows them in his face. Frantically, Mr. Haggles jumps to catch them all completely overlooking that he HAS A FUCKING WITCH IN HIS DEN and runs through the house shouting “my money!”.
In each room he is met with these type of creatures, who are not animatronic, but real and all over his cash. He is in disbelief that a pirate-zombie is sitting on his check deposits and scurries to salvage the flying cash. Which leads him to….
Ah, Satan himself. The Devil reverses the taunting and repeats “you’re getting warmer” and Mr. Haggles crawls his way down a bright red corridor which is made of what appears to be bubble wrap. While the set design looks to be a mediocre haunted garage that can be found in any suburb on Halloween night, it is a little creepy. Mr. Haggles crawls his way, chasing his blowing cash, to what is perceived to be Hell. Good riddance.
But what about all the poor people who were in debt to Mr. Haggles?
Well, the witch gave it all to Billy. The End.
As we finished this tale of awesome, I came out of my “Tales From The Darkside” trance to the world around me. Only Jimmy was sitting next to me but where was Rebecca? Apparently during the Hell scene she ran from the room and down to the bible study in tears telling her parents that I forced her to watch ‘R’ rated devil shows. Before I could evaluate the situation I heard the familiar sound of my Mom’s fast paced stair climbing gape. There was nowhere to hide. Jimmy looked at me and said, “You’re in a lot of trouble”. Fuck you, Jimmy, you home-schooled melvin.
The credits were still rolling while Mom and her parents breached the door and she yanked me from the floor so fast there was a tiny pop from a sound barrier break. I was escorted to my room by the elbow and Jimmy was taken downstairs to join his traumatized sister and would be given cookies and cake until their parents decided to leave. I cursed them all from my bed having daydreams much like Ralphy from The Christmas Story, thinking how sorry they would be if I was blind or have an affliction that required sympathy. But I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction.
By the next week when bible study came around, the melvins did not join me. I was thankful for this but my Saturday nights had to be spent without TV. But was it worth it?
It’s approaching that season and whether we like it or not, it’s time to start talking about Fall beers and what to buy and what to laugh at in the grocery store. Who am I kidding though, “like it or not”? Of course we like it or other wise I wouldn’t be writing and you wouldn’t be reading. So let’s get on with the dance and let me introduce to you the first official “pumpkin” beer of the Fall season 2012, Punk’n by Uintas Brewing Company out of Salt Lake City, Utah.
There is a reason that this beer hits such high marks with me and I’m not going to tell you because it’s in my stupid video. Okay, I will. I love the orange, brown and yellow packaging. I also love the fact it’s a milder pumpkin ale that doesn’t destroy the palate with nutmeg and cinnamon just to shout “I’M SEASONAL! HEAR ME ROAR!” It’s light, not over bearing and when you swallow it, it’s gone. Everything that I deem holy in a craft beverage.
For the specificities of this beer click here for more info. I don’t have the energy to write ABV percentages or the fact that it has cloves from space. All you care about is taste and all I care about is posting a video to make VeggieMacabre’s theme song worth the money I spent on it.
So go out and grab a six-pack of this and relax while watching Friday the 13th part VII. It’s a personal favorite of mine. You know I would never steer you wrong. Well, not intentionally.
This evening I am going to take a break from work to discuss beef jerky. But my loves, this is no ordinary beef jerky. This is beef jerky that will fill your mouth with blistering heat and pump you with so much sodium that it will turn your shoes to sandals with a minor explosion of water retention. That’s right, tonight the good people of Slim Jim have introduced to me a new line of beef jerky that has three distinct levels of heat starting with chili and ending with habanero in what promises to be a dry meat chewing inferno of bliss. It is my pleasure to bring you “Dare”, by Slim Jim.
I have always been on the fence with beef jerky because, while it is delicious at first, it gets old quick. There’s so much salt and chewing involved that before you know it, you need to drink anything insight otherwise you’ll turn into this:.
But that’s when they get you. There isn’t a beef jerky eater alive that can quit with just a few pieces. The salt brings you back for more and before you know it, an entire one pound pack of dried cow has been ingested and your sodium intake for the year has been maxed. It’s a vicious cycle and to avoid such a fate, stick to dried bananas. Lucky for us, Slim Jim has added a bit of pain to mix things up.
There are three varieties of the Dare Slim Jims starting with “Kinda Hot Chili Pepper” then to “Freakin’ Hot Jalapeño” and finally the king daddy, “Really Freakin’ Hot Habenero”. Unfortunately the cruddy gas station from which I bought the said beef jerky only had the “Kinda” and “Really Freakin’ Hot”. To be fair, I don’t like reviewing the middle child. What could I say about it other that “hotter than but not as hot as…”. So, I will review the opposite spectrums and we will just assume jalapeño is…medium? Okay, let’s begin.
Kinda Hot Chili Pepper looks pretty benign from the green packaging and the fact that it’s only rated one chili out of three on the illustrated heat scale. But what do I know? My entire sense of what is hot and what is not is a bit skewed since I put ghost pepper sauce on crackers. Makes you wonder why I would review spicy food and who would even listen to me?
Well, I opened this green bag of chewing meat and tried a piece or…erhrm…five pieces and though it was dried to the point of wood, after ten minutes of chewing, it was really good! I was a bit surprised that the heat-sense only really presented itself after you swallowed. It’s more of a back-of-the-throat sensation than mouth or sinus sensation which I like. I wasn’t expecting anything in the way of heat but was quite surprised that this tasted so good! Now don’t get me wrong, the sodium levels and mandibular workout is intense like any dried food item with the same little packet that states “do not eat” but as far as a different and mild taste, this is a happy place.
Now we jump to the other side of the Scoville Scale and take on “Really Freakin’ Hot Habanero” and it’s bag or red. I know this will be hotter than the Chili but I hope it doesn’t go for the hot but no taste. Sometimes food can lose it’s way and forget that spices are there to complement and not kill.I forget this too. Actually the other day while at a business lunch we were at a Tai restaurant and the waiter accidentally confused my Panang Tai-heat 5 with my coworker’s Panang Tai-Heat 1. The result was fist hiccups, followed by sweating, followed by exasperation and then profuse swearing. He had to go home by 1:00. Everyone in the office thinks I now have a problem.
The first thing I noticed when I opened the bag was a smell that reminded me of doggie daycare. I know that sounds terrible but facts are facts and the oder of habanero spices on dried meat just hits the olfactory and brings up memories “Arf House: School of the Gifted”. So when you get this pack and open it, turn your head.
Another noticeable difference is the texture. The Chili Jerky is extremely brittle and dry like bacon that has been frying while the cook gets caught up in another episode of Big Brother only to be reminded when the smoke alarm brings him back to reality. This Habanero Jerky is much softer and not nearly as tough. But that’s not what makes this beef jerky sexy. It’s actually a bit spicy! My first piece I swallowed the juices a bit prematurely and had quite the episode. After a swig of beer I was right back on top and can say, while not as tasty as the milder sister, this one has a kick that will make up for the 460mg of sodium and 35mg of cholesterol.
So, overall, this was a shitty review. I had to do it because when I saw “Really Frickin’ Hot” beef jerky, I just couldn’t wait to find the middle flavor. Had I known that Chili would be such a winner, I probably would have held out. Overall between the two I have to go against my entire being and say the milder wins. Although I am fascinated by peppers that can put a grown man in the hospital when all he wanted to do was zest his burger, this time taste won out. That doesn’t mean that I won’t still fill my mouth with Habanero beef jerky and three spoonful’s of ghost pepper sauce just to say I did! I ain’t no Nancy!
I know what you’re thinking so don’t even say it; it’s too early. While it is too early to chat Halloween it is not too early to yap about Fall Beer because, shit, it’s already out in the market! I declare this my official duty to tell everyone what is available and drinkable that is orange, black and alcoholic. You can say it’s a silly hobby but I say your haircut is silly. I kid, it looks fine.
The first review of 2012 I bring you Blue Moon’s annual Autumn sample pack. I have reviewed these in the past but this year they did a little something different. Listening to their fan base, the company allowed a select number of Blue Moon drinkers to choose this year’s flagship beer and man, they did good. They did real good. I only review this pick because to review the others would be dull and to be honest, nine minutes of me yapping is too much. Let me present you with this year’s Blue Moon Fall Beer that is 100% Great Pumpkin: Caramel Spiced Apple Ale.
P.S. The new intro song is actually named “Veggiemacabre Reviews” and that makes things a bit more official. Or something like that.
Casserole of Disaster 