Category: government

To Sum It Up…

I really have been ultra busy. It’s amazing how such a lull in life can precede such a tsunami of craziness. Let me try and catch you up on why I have neglected to both write and visit you. I really am sorry about that. šŸ˜ So here are a few key points in my life as of late.

img_0518Almost kept a puppy! I was driving to the hospital a few weeks ago and this little guy ran out in front of me. I stopped, got out, fully expecting him to run away, and tied to see if I could read his tag. Instead of timid little guy he jumped straight into my arms. Of course he didn’t have a tag so I was forced to knock on all the neighboring houses looking for the possible owners. No luck so I put him in the car and took off to attend a course that I was already ten minutes late for.

Oddly enough he didn’t chew up or pee in the car. I spent an hour in the class nervously drumming my fingers, expecting the worse but when I came out he was propped up on the steering wheel, head cocked but tail wagging.

I really didn’t know what to do with him since finding the owners was a feat in and of itself. So, enlisted the help of friends and we did what anyone else would do. We kept him for the weekend and had a blast. He was a great dog. Almost like a stuffed animal that can move and poop.

Well, I contacted the local fire department where I found him since I have “connections” there and sure enough the chief knew the pup and the owners. It turns out the owners let him out for an hour each morning when the go to their horse field and clean the stalls. So, I pretty much kidnapped their dog for a weekend. I returned him to the fire chief anonymously and it was a little heartbreaking to hear him whine when I turned to get back in the car. I still have his chew toy on my floor board.

img_0491I came real close to buying the big box condo last Friday during a structure fire. Apparently, when I was on a single hose line a high voltage wire snapped from the heat of the fire and landed on the ground next to me causing a huge electrical arch that chard the ground around me, fried the hose and created a big blue light over top of me. I was oblivious to this until I heard screaming over my radio from the incident commander that I was on a live wire and to drop the hose. I did so and was stuck in one spot until the electric company could come out and turn off the electricity. Since then I have been a luck charm for the company and other stations. But I still have the creeps since everyone including the electrician kept repeating that there is no reason that I should have survived that. So technically, I shouldn’t be here writing you.

img_0537The fire departments have been consolidating and that means my hours have been cut pretty dramatically. So, I have been forced to dust off the ol’ resume’ and now I find myself back in corporate America until they finish the rezoning of the fire agencies. It’s cool I guess. I work as a consultant for a company that streamlines large businesses as far as their digital postage, copy, office supply and equipment. The first day on the job everyone called me Jim Halpurt. Great.

So, this is what I see instead of fire trucks and catastrophic scenery. I still can’t believe I am a suit again but at least I can still work rescue part time. Actually, it’s everything I can do not to stab myself in the leg with a pen. Shit, I’m lucky to have a job though. Listen to me! I’m bitching about having a job and take little regard for the fact I was almost a post-toasty last week. I’m sorry.

img_0153Last week it was 68 and beautiful. For the first time I was able to leave the confines of the shack that had been buried in snow to cruise the logging trails on a warm afternoon run. It was glorious! I had not felt this good in months and to see the snow gone and the lake completely free of ice made me want to…to…do everything! I wanted swim, no, run a marathon or ride bikes or play guitar by a campfire. Shit, there isn’t enough time. And there wasn’t. Today I got up and looked out my window to see this. Shit I did.

img_0507In defiance, I went running anyway. In shorts and a t-shirt none the less. I know it looks pretty but it’s almost May and I need this crap to go. Please mother nature. Take pity on this boy from the south east. He knows not what he’s done.

So, that is pretty much March and April. I trust Easter went well for everyone? I had a pretty good one. The highlight was watching my friend’s dog, Ruger, and his habitual face press against the sliding glass door. I love dogs.

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15

Words Of Will-dom

I have unintentionally labeled myself a pontificating mouth around the department. Whether it is giving advise about personal problems that I haveĀ  no business giving or sharing stories about past military experiences that usually end with “and that’s why you don’t stick your finger in this”, I am now the go-to guy for all non-essential advise and knowledge. Don’t believe me? Well I came onto shift today and found a dry erase board with the title, “Will-dom Of The Day” on it. My job is to write wise sayings, directed by order of the Chief. Me and my big feed hole.

So, I guess I better practice my Will-dom here so you can see what I am passing on to our men and women of the fire service. Be prepared for enlightenment.

  • If you have a black light throw it away. Unless you want to know how much dander your friends have.
  • Never trust a guy that 1) shaves his sideburns totally off 2) wears a charmed necklace on the outside of his shirt 3) orders milk with dinner at a fancy restaurant 4) says words “practically” “anyways” and “you know” in every other statement 5) wears a visor upside down and sideways. Actually number five qualifies as a ‘never talk to’.
  • Most girls will never see eye to eye with guys when it comes to Star Wars, The Godfather movies, watching golf on TV, that beer qualifies as an appetizer, and large malls should only be visited on December 24th. Just accept this, love them for who they are and the things you share and know deep down in your heart, that they are wrong.
  • Cross dressers are people too. It’s ok to laugh just don’t make eye contact with them when you do it.Ā  They don’tĀ  follow a guy code and have the prerogative to kick you in the balls.
  • Like the advice above, if you do feel a laugh coming on, don’t fake a yawn to cover it because it comes across that you are having a stroke and you fool no one.
  • Don’t be afraid to express yourself. Unless you have a dolphin obsession and feel the need to wear an airbrushed dolphin shirt from your 1989Ā  Daytona Beach trip.
  • When monkeys attack they go for the face, thumbs and genitals first. Still think Virgil from Project X is cute?Ā  Yeah, he is. Him and his alligator.
  • Try not to make up your own exclamation sayings. Most will never catch on and the shock of the situation will be interrupted by your peers asking, “what the hell did you just say?”. ex.”What the Frippin’ Froop?!?!?”Ā  and “Mother Bitch!”.
  • Golf is not a sport; it’s a game. I am hard pressed to believe a 230 pound fat guy playing golf while eating a hot dog, drinking beer and smoking a cigar is actively engaged in a sport. Anyone one who disagrees with this notion is welcome to a slap contest at 3:00.
  • I have never heard of anyone beating their loved ones while high on pot. At worst someone probably received an angry hug. Why is it still illegal I ask you?
  • Why do people put election stickers on their automobiles? How bad would it suck to drive a car with a Gore ’04 sticker on the bumper? I am a firm believer in magnetic bumper signs.
  • When you fake a phone call to get out of a situation or conversation, always remember to turn the ringer off.

So what do you think? I say the peopleĀ  the fire department a getting sound words of wisdom free of charge. I think this is a promotable service. I am sucking IQ points straight out their heads and they don’t even know it. Mmwa hahahaha!

11

I’m Here

Good grief I am sorry for the long absence. It seems that life gets crazier and crazier everytime I turn around and before I can stick my head out to see what is going on, the sun has not only set, but done so four or five times. So let me catch you up if you were curious.

  • I’m older. I turned 29 on Saturday. That sucks.
  • Damned near killed myself while driving through Washington. And by damned near, I mean I saw my life flash after my tire blew. These are a few of the images.

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  • 000kg3yqesb_21bmulletI have officially declared snow and ice to be the worst part of Mother Nature. Snow rhymes with blow and ice rhymes with shitty-fuckfuck.
  • This is big news. I am officially down to two cups of coffee a day. If you don’t think that is a big deal than you should have heard me a few weeks ago on two pots a day. “HIMYNAMEISWILL! ILIKEFOOD, DOYOULIKEFOOD? GOOD! LET’SGOGETSOMEFOODANDEATIT! BECAUSEIT’SFOOD!”
  • I saw the movie, The Wrestler a while ago and it’s an amazingĀ  movie. Loved every minute of it. But it’s definitely not a date movie.
  • I’m on a bowling league. I am also the worst one on the league. That really sucks too because there are two ladies who bowl with both hands. But if I am going to be bad at something, being a bad bowler doesn’t really bother me.
  • Apparently I am “King Treadmill”. I’m too big of a wuss to run outside.

Well, that’s all. As you can see, I’m not dead or missing. For the next couple of hours I will be catching up on everyone else’s blogs and I hope I haven’t missed anything huge. If I did, please tell me. I’ll make you a card out of construction paper and glitter-glue.

15

Turkey Stalked

For anyone who knows me personally they are fully aware of my irrational fears. Am I scared to swim with sharks? No. Can I watch the movie, The Exorcist at 2am and sleep fine. Yes. Will I hug a frothing pitbull? Of course! But somethings I just can’t grasp and like a typical human, what we can’t understand we fear. My new irrational fear is wild turkeys.

If you are a first time visitor to my blog let me explain. I have recently moved from the hustling bustling city life to far north Idaho where I live in a cabin-like house on a mountain. Everyday has new and exciting challenges like trying to avoid hitting moose on the winding gravel road to retrieving well water. I am loving every minute of it but I will tell you, there are certain things up here that I am unsure of.

Now sure, there are bear, cougar, Indian burial grounds (just up the road šŸ˜ ) and perhaps an occasional shit shot hunter that mistakes runners for deer. But none of those have the audacity to gang up on me in my own backyard like the gang of wild turkeys. I know there are far worse things like what I have already stated but when I went out back on Saturday, these stupid birds charged me! Can you believe that?

As a 30 year old male that still believes he can be rough and tough, I refused to run back into the house. I calmly turned and walked, fast, back into the safety of the house. But i didn’t realise turkeys can also fly. I felt the feathers hit the back of my head and that’s when I took off. Maybe screaming. I made it in the door and looked out the window to see them gathered as if to say, “Come on out! We got all day!”. This pissed me off. It would be different if it was a bear or a mountain lion but these were birds.

I don’t own a fire arm because, well, I don’t hunt. There isn’t a reason to own a killing devise if you don’t plan on killing. But I do have a lucky football and that was my weapon of choice. I opened the door, walked to the corner of the porch and threw a perfect spiral right at the main tom and missed, throwing my football off the side of the mountain. Mother fucker! I really did, as you can see my backyard drops off to the base of Hauser mountain. The turkeys looked off the edge and back to me as if to say, “nice arm, Marino.” I went back inside, defeated.

Turkeys are just awful. They look like their heads are inside out and they don’t ‘gobble’ like you would thing. They sound like a demonic Hamburgler. “Robble Robble”. There is a reason that they are not in a flock or a gaggle but travel in a gang. So all in all I give wild turkey both middle fingers as now they they are my least favorite in the animal kingdom. I even Googled a story that proves turkey’s suck. I found this in Field and Stream.

Between five and 10 large male turkeys, or toms — apparently a little giddy with the onset of turkey breeding season — have been bullying postal workers as they make their rounds, pecking at them and even trying to rough them up with the sharp spurs on their legs. One of the birds launched itself through the open door of a mail truck and scratched the driver.

Eric Lobner, regional wildlife program supervisor for the state Department of Natural Resources, is on the case, investigating the turkey gang.

“They are being threatened by the turkeys, ” said Lobner, who received a call from Wilhite about the situation.

Lobner said other residents should not be too worried about marauding bands of wild turkeys in the streets. He said this particular group of toms has a reputation and has actually been a problem in the past at John Muir Elementary School, chasing school children around the playground and even pecking at the doors after the students were rushed inside the school.

See? I’m not a total Nancy boy. There are documented cases of turkeys gone bad. But I refuse to be tormented so the next day I went outside and sat down with Kootenee. We hung out for a while but I could tell we were being watched. And soon there was a familiar “Robble” in the woods and I turned to Kootenee and told him to get them. Kootenee took off for the safety of the porch. Such an ass!

So here I sit, stalked by wild turkeys and slowly going mad. I imagine I may exercise my 2nd Amendment before my time here in Idaho is done. There maybe a post in the next few weeks with pictures of me in a full feather jacket and a necklace made of beaks. So, just be prepared. Now I will leave you with me in my mind, here on a mountain.

All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and not play makes Will as dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Will a dull boy.

All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. all work and no play make Will a dull boy. All wotrk and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Willa dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy. All work and no play makes Will a dull boy.

All Work

And No play

Makes Will A

Dull boy.

EDIT: Stop over and say Happy Birthday to Social Pariah! She is turning almost 30 today! Happy Birthday Mandy!

27

The Government At Work

When talking to a customer service representative over the phone do you have a picture in your mind of what they look like? I do. I have an image of them as if they were talking directly across the table from me. Today, however I had the joy of dealing with the government and we all know how that goes. I have been on a quest for months to track down a DD-215 which is a corrected form of a military service record. In order to do that it requires patience, six months to kill, a virgin sacrifice, a goat and a pretty good handle on The Force. Here is how today’s conversation went.

Me- *beep boo bop boo beep beep beep* (phone sounds)

Gov- ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring…… Hello, you have reached the Department of Veteran Service Archives. All agents are busy helping other service members at this time but your call is very important to us. Please hold and the next available agent will be with you. The current wait time is 10 to 40 minutes.

(music)

25 minutes later

( My imagination)

Gov- Thank you for holding this is Nadeen, how can I assist you today?

Me- Hi Nadeen, how are you today?

Gov- uuuuuhhh…fine?

Me- Great! I have sent a written request for a DD-215 last January and I received an email from VASR that my packet was available and I was just wondering when I can expect it to be delivered.

Gov- You received an email from who?

Me- The Veterans Affair office of Service Records.

Gov- Did you send in a written request to our office directly?

Me- Yes…..

Gov- Can I have your social?

Me -Sure, it’s 255-**-****

Gov- 264-97-345783?

Me- No, and I think you have too many numbers. It’S 255-**-* * * *.

Gov- 2 5 5 – **-* * * *

Me- That’s it!

Gov- Is this William?

Me- Yup!

Gov- Hrm…………It says here that you wrote in a request in January. And……It says that you wanted a dd215. Annnnnd, it says that this is a request to have it mailed to your current address. hmmmm.

(my imagination)

Me- That’s all true. Do you know when I can expect to receive it?

Gov- Oh, I wouldn’t know that.

Me- No? Do you know who I can contact to find out?

Gov- I don’t know, would you like me to find out?

Me- If you don’t mind.

Gov- Please hold for me William.

( dial tone)

Me to myself- Mother bitch! She hung up on me! I can’t believe…..

*beep boo bop boo beep beep beep* (phone sounds)

Gov- ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring…… Hello, you have reached the Department of Veteran Service Archives. All agents are busy helping other service members at this time but your call is very important to us. Please hold and the next available agent will be with you. The current wait time is 10 to 40 minutes.

(music)

Oddly enough it was only 10 minutes

Gov- Thank you for holding, this is Nadeen. How may I help you?

Me- Hi Nadeen, this is Will. I think we got disconnected.

Gov- Was I helping you?

Me- It’s William. I’m pretty sure.

Gov- Oh, William. I don’t know how we got disconnected. Ok, I talked to my supervisor and she said it will be delivered (counts under her breath) about 8 weeks for your delivery.

Me- What? Eight weeks? Really? The email said it will be sent out 3 to 4 business days. How will it be eight weeks?

Gov- We are really backed up.

Me- Are you sure? I am looking at the email and it clearly states that the delivery will be in 3 to 4 business days. You have the right person, right?

Gov- Let me get your social security number again.

Me- 255-**-****

Gov-245-67-871542?

( now my imagination)

Me- Noooooo. It is 2 5 5 – * *- * * * *

Gov- Is this William?

Me- Let me check……yup.

Gov- It says that your written request was received.

Me- Annnnd?

Gov- And that we received it.

Me- (labored breathing) Nadeen. Can you give me someone who can help me find out when my dd-215 will be sent to my house? I have an email from your office requesting me to call for verification since I have to sign for it. Is there someone who can just answer me that question?

Gov- That’s me! But I can’t tell you that.

Me- Why not? (In an angry Steve Martin from Planes Trains and Automobiles voice.)

Gov- Because it doesn’t say on my computer. Is there something else I can help you with?

Me- Yeah, what’s the capitol of California?

Gov- It’s San Fransisco isn’t it?

Me- sigh…… ( hangs up and sprints into the wall)

I give up folks. I think I am going to move to Nova Scotia.

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