Category: funny

Kootanee Hates Me

I consider myself a friend to the animal kingdom. There has never been a monetary donation I have not made when asked, either for shelters or endangered species fundraisers. I have had pets and just because I don’t currently reside with one does not mean I don’t want one. In all fairness to them I can not bring myself to have one based on my busy schedule. That is why I was so excited when I got this place and found out there was a dog already living here. His name is Kootanee, after the county we live in.

Isn’t he cute? Well wait, Kootanee and I have a love hate relationship: I love him and he hates me. In my entire life I have never had a dog who didn’t like me. It is starting to give me a complex! I even bought a bag of Beggin’ Strips and made a trail from his side of the house to my front door but all for not. I did, however, feed a few raccoons.

The guy who rents this place and Kootanee’s owner thinks that a delivery guy must have hit or pepper sprayed him as a puppy leaving him skiddish towards any male figures. Not even my high pitch “HEY BIG GUY” voice broke the ice. I have even left “cookies” outside of my door in hopes he would use me for food, but he eats and scampers off.

I was a little bummed at the beginning. There were thoughts of us hanging out on the front porch. I would sing Warren Zevon’s ‘Werewolves Of London” and Kootanee would be back up with an “Aroooooo” before the werewolves part. I would carve a pumpkin for Halloween and he would eat the innards. You know, common best buddy stuff. But not anymore.

I left for the weekend to visit Seattle and a mystery person on my blogroll, which you will soon find out next post. I accidentally left my running shoes on the front steps but I wasn’t concerned. Hell, I don’t even lock the door. But when I came home, guess what I found?

The dog shit on my shoes!!! Are you serious? Have you ever heard of such a thing? After all the treats and fairy talk, that furry asshole took a dump on my running shoes! This was not an accidental poop. My shoes were on steps so he had to actually back his ass up, up the steps, to shit on them. I’m dumbfounded! There have been plenty of times dog shit was under my shoes but never on top.

I sure hope that this winter isn’t so harsh that cabin fever sets in. Because I call first dibs on eating the dog.

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Karaoke, Beer and Bowling

I have to admit that even though I rip on the culture here in Idaho it has really increased my desire to write about some of the absurdities as if I was Crusoe keeping a journal. My phone is full of various pictures and notes that have to be seen to be believed. I actually sat next to an older couple the other night and the lady took out her teeth to smoke a cigarette. She told the bartender that she just soaked them before they came out and she wanted to keep them white. Fuck a duck! To be honest, they did look pretty white on a bevnap sitting on the bar. Had I been drinking more I probably would have put them in her ashtray when no one was looking because, well, I’m an asshole like that.

I know the picture above is blurry but this is where I was on Wednesday night. It was karaoke night at the bowling alley and more importantly it was “no smoking night” so I could give my jeans and shirts a break from having to practically burn them when I get home from the wreak of smoke. Notice that it is a David Allen Coe song? Yep, that little ditty was played no more than 30 times. And no one appreciated KISS’s “Strutter” either.

All in all there are some pretty good singers here in Idaho. HA! I can’t even type that with a straight face. The whole night sounded like a third grade trumpet recital. If I didn’t no better I would believe a gaggle of geese where circling over head confused on whether to fly south or mate on the cars in the parking lot. The real funny part is watching all the people support one another as each person butchered the song of their choice. I witnessed a few standing ovations and some “I just want to thank my Mama” speeches.

I really wished there was a Milo there.

By the way, what do you think he has in his pockets? My theory is Milo is packing dinner rolls from the “Singles Potluck/Karaoke Night”. It is plausible.

Anyway, did you know that zucchini grows larger here too? The bartender showed me her award winning zucchini and I have to tell you, i now feel a little inadequate.

Make sure you come back because this weekend I am doing my 2nd annual Fall Beer Review. It’s a great excuse to get loaded, carve something and possibly go to the emergency room. I’ll be back tomorrow. Me with 10 toes and 9 fingers.

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The X-E Halloween Countdown

I am so sorry things have been so nuts here in Idaho and I haven’t really posted very much. There I go again, apologizing about something no one probably even notices. But anyway, I think most of my friends and family have become resolve to the fact I have been eaten by something by indigenous to the Idaho forests since I haven’t been able to talk on a regular basis. Soooooo, hello. I am still alive.

(I actually found this picture. No, I didn’t make this. In case you are wondering)

That being said I wanted to take a quick second to tell all my blog pals about the 6th annual Halloween Countdown at X-Entertainment.com that Matt Caracappa puts on. It is very entertaining (hence the name) and he is the only one I know who can write 3,000 words about wax vampire lips and teeth and make you generally excited about it. He posts everyday from now until October 31st so please stop by and say hello. I can’t imagine the fall without it.

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W.B. Yeats Don’t Know Idaho

    • O you not hear me calling, white deer with no horns?
      I have been changed to a hound with one red ear;
      I have been in the Path of Stones and the Wood of Thorns,
      For somebody hid hatred and hope and desire and fear
      Under my feet that they follow you night and day.
      A man with a hazel wand came without sound;
      He changed me suddenly; I was looking another way;
      And now my calling is but the calling of a hound;
      And Time and Birth and Change are hurrying by.
      I would that the Boar without bristles had come from the West
      And had rooted the sun and moon and stars out of the sky
      And lay in the darkness, grunting, and turning to his rest.

by: William Butler Yeats (1865-1939) He Mourns for the Change that has Come Upon Him…

This poem has always been near and dear to my heart and every change of direction I make in life, this piece of literary art takes center stage in my mind. It is melancholy but like most of Yeats’ work, it wouldn’t be same if it were without some sadness. I guess that is a direct symbol of change. There has to be some mourning of the past to take on and accept the future. I miss the comforts of old, the people and my family. The sun has set on that day and the cold, lonely darkness of night is here but I can faintly see the purplish hue of dawn. A new day; my future. And it will be bright and warm with endless possibilities.

But then I was driving to campus and I passed this:

Hey Yeats! Got any poems about Idaho? I didn’t think so. Dick.

Edit: One more thing. There are somethings that are too good not to be shared. Please read. I almost had an “episode” in the library.

http://socialpariah.wordpress.com/2008/09/04/whirling-whip-like/

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Back from The Mountain

I know, I know…I have been a shitty poster. Actually I have an excuse and a good one at that. You see, I live on a mountain now. No really, I live on a mountain and the closest neighbor I have is over two miles away. It may take a week to get the Internet hooked up so I have to drive to the valley to use the great wide world of the web. But I don’t mind it. For the past two weeks my life has been anything but normal and I’ll fill you in on some very random shots and even more elusive explanations that will have you piecing together your own conclusions. Let’s begin shall we?

This has now become normal to me. No longer will two fifty year olds wearing purple silk pants and fishnet stockings on a motorcycle be blog worthy material. I have become completely desensitized. I don’t even know if a mime playing the bagpipes on a segway will cause me to pause anymore. Regardless I did take the picture and did so very cautiously. I make it a point in life to never get my ass kicked by a dude in purple pants.

Living in hotel rooms for weeks on end is not only very expensive but it completely sucks. If I had to audit my sleeping time in life I would bet that a year and a half has been spent in a Holiday Inn Express. So, when I came out here I made it a point to find a spot to rent as soon as possible and left it in the hands of Vista Management Co. I sent them a background form and $50 so they could process me in and find a one bedroom place as quickly as possible. Well, this is what they had. A Bavarian crack house.

You can’t quiet tell from this picture but the windows had blankets over them for makeshift drapes, people were looking out the windows checking me out as if I were a poorly undercover agent for the DEA and I swear I heard Cheech and Chong singing “Beeners” from inside one of the rooms. Oh, and built onto this complex was a tattoo and piercing parlor called The Blue Rose.

Well, to grossly understate this, I was a little disappointed in Vista, myself and Idaho. I went back to the management office and the moron lady asked what I thought as she smirked. I said in a very nice tone that if it could suck any harder it would turn inside out. I dropped the keys on her counter and walked out feeling great that I blew $50 and an hour out of my day. I think I may ask Allison’s husband Matt if he could write a nasty letter to them.

But every time it seems that life leads you down a path to no where, a random tether ball hits you in the back of the head, forcing you to look in a new direction. (Jesus Mary and Carpenter that made no sense.) What I mean is that I found some luck and was able to stay with very nice people until I found a place worthy of my snotty taste. And to my surprise they didn’t chop me up and serve me in chili. It was a win win. They even had two cute dogs,

The one on top is Teddy and below is Missy. Both are very sweet but as far as cuteness goes I have to lean towards Missy. And that is only because of her under-bite. Actually now that I think about it, Missy looks kind of like Dee Wallace in the movie The Howling. It was when she turned into a Shitzu at the end. See it?

Well, not before too long I found a place that met my needs and was reasonable in price. The only catch is that it is secluded. And what I mean by secluded is that it is up a mountain and the nearest neighbor is over two miles away. I think by mid November when the snow starts to fall these posts my start sounding like Jack Torrence and be in various shapes and stanzas. But for now it is warm and I love it. Check out the kitchen!

And here is the view from the back window:

Until I get my stuff put together that is all I can show for now. It’s out there but I think this will work. Funny thing is the city-boy in me really comes out because the other night I came home to find 5 wild turkeys walking around and the first thought that popped in my head was “I wonder if they bite”. Luckily a dear friend of mine assured me that they don’t. But I still have my eyes open.

Internet will be up soon and I’ll stop having to come down to the “valley” every time I need to post something. But for now I am hanging out next to a poster of Brandy Norwood in a major University library. She is encouraging literacy as she sports a copy of The Cat In The Hat. That’s the book I would have chosen too.

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