Category: family

7 People I Will Drink With In Heaven

(This was written quite a while ago. Sorry)

I trust everyone had a happy and safe Halloween? I hope so because I did. Actually it was the best one yet. Anyway I am going to post a blog that I have been giving great thought about over the years. You see, I am the type of person to really beat a nonsensical notion to death. One of notion is this odd idea I have of the afterlife. I don’t believe that we will be living on clouds with wings and halos because, to be honest, I am far from deserving a halo. But what I am hoping for is an abundance of the Earthly pleasures we enjoy here and now, without the consequences. Here is an example.

I die. Let’s say I am pissing and drying my hair at the same time because I really want to go out in style. Regardless, I cease to live and I find myself on an escalator to the great beyond. (I do believe there is an escalator of some sort) Once I get to where I am going there will be a door. That door will have a sliding eye-hole and behind it is a guy who asks for the password. (I hope it’s a cartoon ape, I hope it’s a cartoon ape) And some how I know it. I don’t know how I know it, but I do.

Now this idea I have is so wacky that I think many religions are started this way so if you watch CNN in a few years and see me in a compound, you can say you knew me when. Ok, where was I? Oh yeah, so the password will determine whether you get in or go to Hell. In my world, Hell is standing for an eternity on the waiting list for IHOP on a Sunday morning. So be good for goodness sake!

Of course I will say the right one. And beyond the door will be a smoke free English pub with every TV on VH1 Classic, ESPN Classic Bowling 1979-’84, Alf, DOG The Bounty Hunter, and To Catch A Predator (We can poke fun of the people that will be waiting at IHOP forever). I will have a seat at the bar and the seat to my right will be vacant. When I ask the bartender (who is Ernie Pantusso from Cheers) what is new, he will know my name and my drink and say, “Will, it hasn’t been the same without you”. Then he will hand me a menu.

The menu is a list of everyone I have ever wanted to meet and have a drink with. All I have to do is pick a name and they will stroll up, have a seat next to me and order a drink. And then I can strike up a conversation and ask all the questions I have ever wanted to know and listen to the stories that I have always wanted to hear. That would be Heaven for me. Good drink, good conversation and Coach as my bartender. These are my picks for my first day in heaven.

george-c-scott-photograph-c12146673“Romell, you magnificent bastard, I read your BOOOOOK!” God, I would love to hang out with George C. Scott. That guy was one of the greatest actors of our time. Can you imagine the stories this guy had? The parties of Hollywood elite when it was good to be elite. Today the Hollywood elite is equivalent to a dump in a Smucker’s jar but back then, that was acting. And I think our conversation would be quite intriguing.

I wonder what his drink of choice would be? I peg him for a Dwars and a splash guy. In his later years he wasn’t the pillar of health so I imagine that Dwars to be accompanied by a fine cigar and a plate of cream cheese finger sandwiches. I know that my Heaven pub is smoke free but it’s freakin’ George C. Scott, man! Even in the afterlife there are exceptions.

the_who_moonKeith Moon! Can this guy party or what? If you are unfamiliar with Keith, he was the late drummer of The Who, who set the standard on how to be a reckless partying rock star. If there was alcohol, he drank it. If there was something to be snorted, he sniffed it. If there was a hotel room to be destroyed, he not only destroyed the room but the entire hotel. In fact the Holiday Inn still has a ban on The Who today.

He and I would drink a few shots and I would ask him about diving into an empty swimming pool as we have a laugh. To be in the presence of the guy who named Led Zeppelin, inspired Beatle songs, the first to use on stage pyrotechnics, and beyond all else his work with The Who would be fascinating. Now that is a slice of fried gold! Oh yeah, did you know Keith died in the same room Mama Cass from The Mamas and the Papas died in? She didn’t really die choking on a ham sandwich, did she?

As for Keith’s drink I bet that he would drink……everything. And chase it with a bar mat strained shot. For those unfamiliar with that it’s all the spilled alcohol that is collected at the end of the night. I call it a “OH MY FUCKING HELL WHY WOULD YOU DRINK THAT” shot.

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“Well in the words of Harry S. Truman, if it’s too hot in the kitchen, stay away from the cook.” I would love to hang out for a few hours Archie Bunker. Not Carroll O’Connor but the character Archie. Hey, when I’m dead and gone I believe this will be possible. I also believe I will drink with Hobbes too so go with me on this one.

The real reason I want to rock out with Archie is so he can call me a Meathead. Is that so wrong to want to be called a Meathead from an American icon? I don’t think so and if I’m good all year, put out cookies and leave a thank you note by the chimney, I think it is only fair that I can be accosted by Archie Bunker. Wait…I think I am confused.

knight_lThis guy! Who wouldn’t like to tip a few back with Ted Knight? Especially when he does his “Pigs In Space” voice which I am sure would come out right after our third Bullshot. Oh! And ol’ Billy Barool! “Oh Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy.” I say this to myself every time I’m in an odd predicament.

johncandydogsbarkin

John Candy. Oh geeze. If there is one person I would want to hang around for a while it would be John Candy. I was so sad when he passed away and even today I have a hard time watching certain scenes in his movies. Especially this one:

Ho man! Every time that part of the movie comes, depending on the company, I have to go to the kitchen or do push ups. Something! It’s pathetic to see a grown man whimper over a John Hughes movie.

Well, I bet we would have a blast! He’d reenact that classic scene in Uncle Buck when he flips a quarter to that principal and told her to have a rat chew that thing off her face. Uncle Melanoma head. We’d finish a bottle or two and toss some darts. Oh yeah, that aint purgatory!

tn2_bernie_mac_2The man, the legend. Bernie Mac is definition of cool for me. God, I still can’t believe he is not here with us. But I have faith I will be able to shake his hand someday. And you know what? This is one dude I don’t mind hogging the Holy Jukebox.

I imagine he would be sipping a snifter of VSO and chewing on a Cuban. Me? I would be chugging a Pabst Blue and catching Goldfish crackers in my mouth. And we could be completely happy with that. Damn, I miss Bernie Mac.

jpgI know I am not alone on this one. Who wouldn’t want to spend some quality time with George Carlin? Who? I bet it would be a one sided conversation because I wouldn’t even know where to begin. He seemed like the type that could carry on without much of topic. I doubt he would get old but I could see myself wondering, “I wonder if Gallagher is dead?”

So that is my list. But don’t get me wrong, when I kick the bucket my first priority will still be spending eternity with loved ones. Like how I presume I will be going to Heaven?

Don’t worry! I won’t be buying the big dirt box condo yet. You are stuck with me and my gibberish for your reading-at-work pleasure. Hey! Why are you reading this at work anyway? 😉

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Double Mint

Oh boy. I have so much to say and now I don’t know how to begin. So, I’ll just start. My awesome uncle is dating twins. I wouldn’t believe it if I had not gone on a “double-date” with them. And what did this date consist of? We all went out to eat and get our future read by a tarot card reader. I swear to God, Allah, Jesus, Buddha, George or any deity you choose. This happened.

If you have been reading VeggieMacabre for a while then you may be familiar with my favorite uncle, Uncle Mark. Never in my life have I known anyone who can become genuinely excited over a road map or a laser pointer. He grasps life with both hands and throws caution to the wind everyday of his life. His heart is three sizes larger than a normal person’s and when it comes time to march, his beat is his very own. What a beat it is!

But with all that known, it doesn’t lessen the hilarity of what Uncle Mark does or the positions he gets in. On a fateful day he was minding his own business in a Dunkin Donuts when two twin sisters spotted him and asked him out. I know, so incredibly random I can’t even begin to wrap my head around it. Regardless, his cool points among his peers reached a new high.

img_0423So here they are. Do you like my sneaky picture? I had to cough over the “click” sound but to be honest, even if I didn’t, I don’t think they would have noticed. Or rather, I don’t think I would care.

Well, after memorable conversation and my 11 beers and shot to numb the night, it was time for the girls to get their fortunes read. At $25 bucks each my poor Uncle tossed out $50 to Mad’am Stratella (actual name) and they trotted off behind the curtain to find out the inevitable.

While we waited I had to ask my Uncle Mark if he was really serious about these two. I didn’t get the impression that they were using him but for life of me, I couldn’t understand their angle. Mark told me he was just having fun and it was a little flattering that they were fighting over who gets to be with him. I guess I could understand that. I mean hell, they were getting their fortunes read to see who would be the lucky one that gets to have a life of sausage sandwiches and shopping at Cabella’s.

Soon the twins came back to the table looking a little disappointed. The curiosity was bubbling over and Mark wasted no time in asking. Was the $50 bucks worth it? Would they hold the answers to life’s greatest unknowns? Was the meatloaf I ate really that day’s special?

No. They didn’t find out any of that. But what they did inquire about the fate of their sick cat and whether they should put it down or wait it out. I guess there are no tarrot cards for cats. For $50 they were left to decide for themselves. But not without some sound advice from Uncle Mark.

With total sincerity and in all seriousness he offered  his services.

“If you want I can just drop it off in front of a Chinese restaurant?”

And with that, the night came to a dramatic end. (sigh….)

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Thanks For Thanksgiving

Things might get a little crazy between now and Thanksgiving so just in case I don’t get a chance to post then, I will post this now. This is what I am thankful for.

  • The state of Idaho. Because not many are thankful for it. It’s a handsome state when looked at from a map at least.
  • The movie The ‘Burbs. “I let go of the goddamn brownies…”
  • Finally being able (at 30) to grow a full beard.
  • img_0196Being comfortable with myself even though I look like a melvin. (Picture shown above.)
  • The men and women in uniform that keep this country safe and free.
  • Micro Brews with cool labels.
  • Empire Strikes Back. My first memory of the movies and we went the Thanksgiving weekend of 1982.
  • The Creepshow. That was the trailer before The Empire Strikes Back and to this day, I still am “creeped” out by that movie. God bless it.
  • REI
  • My place in the mountains. Especially my work desk view.
  • back-yardOh hell, I’ll just say it. Cheese.
  • The New York Times. It’s a Sunday must.
  • Kids with odd first names like “Lake” or “Apple” or “Valley”. It makes me feel better about my initials “WEW”.  Woooooo!
  • Home Improvement 1991-1994
  • XM/Sirus radio. The drive from GA to ID would have sucked real bad without that.
  • My job
  • X-Entertainment. No other place can one go to see their childhood archived.
  • My rock star shoes. They are on their last legs. So to speak.
  • img_0283Triscuits. Both reduced fat and Olive oil and Rosemary.
  • Maybe the one guy who can regain international trust, racial healing, national pride and all that is great with America will be the President. (don’t Fuck Up!)
  • The F-14 Tomcat. Even though it is retired.
  • Everyone on my blog role. I love sharing memories with them and I love how they share them with me. I imagine that we are all camping and exchanging tales of bike accidents and office blunders as we chortle our way to slumber. I have a very special place in my heart for each and every one on the Veggiemacabre blogroll.
  • All my ex girlfriends. I know that sounds odd but it is true. Each person has left an indelible print on who I am today. Even though most want me dead, they made me better. And for that I am thankful.
  • Little kids high on Juicy-Juice and cookies. (2:07…..it’s worth the wait. “ooooo!”) The little guy is breaking a sweat!
  • La Sportiva running shoes
  • My gift of gab
  • My parents. As the late, great actor John Candy’s character, Dell in Planes Trains and Automobiles said, “Love. That’s not a big enough word.”
  • Being in better shape at 30 than I was at 21. Or even 18. That is important to me.
  • Being able to put down the bottle and walk away. Always had a tough time with that. Especially last year.
  • Fitness Macabre is still in the works and the sponsors are letting me run with in after the 1st of the year. I don’t know if I am thankful for that yet but I’ll throw it up here.
  • The freedom to move around. Last year I thought 92 degrees was a cooler day and today I think 42 degrees is a warmer day. I love experiencing that broad shift of environments.
  • The Food Network. Especially Good Eats and 30 Minute Meals.
  • My close friends. The ones who put up with my snoring, know that when we eat out I may order in a foreign accent, will pontificate at random and tell long stories and often lose the point half way through. Thanks for taking it all in stride.
  • That my friend found the love of his life and married her. I wish I could have been there but this year I needed some serious “head’ time. I will always regret that.
  • Great White Sharks are making a comeback from being endangered.
  • And above all else, good health

So that is my 2008 list of thanks. I wish everyone a safe and happy Thanksgiving. Try to reflect and let the people who mean the most know how important they are to you. You never know when you may get another chance. Think of those less fortunate and if you can, share. Try to keep an open mind and forgive those who you don’t get along with. At least for Thanksgiving. Letting go and loving is so much easier than holding on and hating.

So, thanks.

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My Last Halloween In Idaho…

I was the Cookie Monster.

Sorry for the off center scan but you get the point. Notice the coat and the obvious rosy cheeks? I have a memory of my mom yelling at my dad for Trick-or-Treating me to the point of frostbite. I also remember falling and spilling my candy all over the snow covered front yard and a cockerspaniel eating some of it. Other than that, I only remember sweating in my plastic mask.

Happy Halloween!

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Treats That Will Get You Tricked

You know, now that we are getting close to Halloween, I feel it is my duty this year to shed some light on what is not the appropriate candy/treats to hand out. Reading Pam’s blog from today inspired this and hopefully I may save someone from a November first morning of pulling toilet paper off the branches of the trees. I am not saying I am the know all of candy or what is acceptable to the average ten year old, but I have many years of getting my pillow case weighed down by sugary shit and alternative treats. And being the little prick I was, the poor souls found out the hard way that their disconnect from Halloween led to mayhem in their front yard.

Stop right there! No! No! Bad treat giver! If you even think about giving out blue mints or sugar free hard candies you need to choke yourself. Think about this general rule: if you can find it at the bottom of your great Edna’s purse, you shouldn’t have it in the trick or treat bowl. No kid needs these. Not even the diabetic kid. Brach’s never intended these candies to be used as treats and this should be apparent since I have yet to see bats and pumpkins on the bags. No, Brach intended these to be after “early bird special” mints. So, if you hand these out the result might be this:

See? See what can happen? All because they gave out grandma-treats.

Oh Ho! Yep, people still do this. I have memories of getting five pennies scotch tapped together and wanting to say, “no, no…you keep it. I’ll only throw it through your garage window when you shut the door.” I still don’t understand the thought process behind this. These people actually taped five pennies together which, if i did my elementary math correct, meant they probably blew the same amount of money pissing off the neighborhood kids that could have been spent on Snickers. Plus, a handful of pennies can do this if thrown hard enough.

Well, maybe if Randy Johnson threw them. But you get the point.

The next treat is a no brainer. So let me break it down for you.

Eaten by these:

Looks like they were shit by these:

And primarily given out for Halloween by these:

You guessed it! It’s one of the worst tricks that poses as a treat.The mother fuckin’ raisin.

Now how does this box of death find it’s way into the treat bag? I can only venture to guess that it is the underground society of Dietitians Against M & M’s (D.A.M.M.). I mean really, there is nothing good about dried fruit and various forms of fiber supplements when there are thousands of better choices available. And cheaper! So grandma, I know you want to fight the system but your efforts will be futile. And if you still don’t get it, it’s your funeral! See?

This will ruin your Stride Rites! So take heed, and resist the temptation to hand out nutritious boxes of bullshit. Or deer shit. Whatever.

I am on the fence about giving out coupons for Halloween. Sure I still have a few retro McDonald’s coupons from the 80’s and as an adult they are neat to remember but when I was a kid I thought, “I bet this will stay on the fridge way passed the expiration date”. And I was right. Growing up, my folks only stopped at fast food restaurants on cross country road trips. So in order to utilize a coupon that meant a special effort had to be made. And it never happened. So I guess this treat is really a trick on the parents. You maybe safe from reprisals but like I said, I was a little dick and this could happen:

“That there is a felony offense…” Kids can be just awful, you know? So why tempt fate?

Oh don’t do this. Don’t make your own Halloween candy! I remember after a long night of trick or treating the first order of business was to get the “ok” from Dad to eat the candy. The “ok” was only granted after he visually inspected all the candy for anything that looked suspicious and the first thing in the garbage was the homemade treats. So keep that in mind before you make 300 vampires on a stick. And god forbid a kid gets sick.

There are worse things than getting the house egged. I know this looks extreme but we live in the age where neighbors sue neighbors over barking dogs. Just wait to see what happens when little Johnny Snot Face pukes on the family sofa after eating a gourmet chocolate mummy you made with a touch of love.

“Oh how cool! Candy in the shape of toothbrushes! Talk about irony. Wait a minute…..these aren’t candy at all. These are fucking real toothbrushes! What the….?”

That is a conversation I had at age 11. For the life of me I could not wrap my head around the fact that someone could hand out hygiene products in place of sugar. Are they being funny? Are they transplants from Indonesia and missed the point of Halloween? Or is it something more sinister? I went with that.

See what can happen when you mess with tradition? When you buck the system, the system can buck back. There is meaning behind “trick or treat”. If by “treat” you think toothbrush then by “trick” kids mean burn your damn house to the ground. That’s how we do things in America.

I hope I was able to shed some light on what are acceptable treats for Halloween. I feel it is my duty to pay it forward after a childhood of being mischievous. Karma has a way of kicking you in the nuts if you don’t and believe me, I have a lot to pay forward. So this year, keep it Wonka. That way you can avoid waking up and finding the mob has “taken care” of your jack-o-lantern.

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