Category: entertainment

Where Did You Go? Part 3

Ok, I can’t help but continue my tribute to those who aren’t a household name but are the center of my movie favorites. I think it is for that very reason I am such a fan of these people. I want to see what they are up to and I sometimes wonder if I would be the only weirdo that would recognize them in a grocery store and beg for an autograph on my box of Triscuits. So lets get going.

I like Darren Harris. We know Anthony Micheal Hall and of course John Cusack but what the hell happened to Darren? He symbolized the perfect geek in the movie Sixteen Candles, Better Off Dead and Weird Science. All three movies rank high on my 80’s must see. Darren was the best geek actor ever. Seriously the best because I am positive I was friends with this kid in high school. Everyone like me had an asthmatic buddy who knew how to build a computer, play the trumpet, had peanut butter sandwiches stuck in his braces and dreamed of one day becoming a Navy SEAL. I don’t know why but it is tough to find out about Darren other than his work as Cliff “Wheeze” in Sixteen Candles and he is from Canada.

Darren, if you read this please let us know what you are up to. I hope you are still alive man.

Thomas F. Wilson is Biff/Griff Tannen. Sorry Tommy but that is who you are. I know you have been in hundreds of TV episodes and animated voice-overs since then but every time I see you I will be waiting for you to knock on someones melon shouting “hello, hello butt-head!” Just kidding Tom. Actually Thomas Wilson is a really funny guy. His stand up is one of the best I have seen and believe it or not he is also a great musician. His hobby is a little strange though. He paints portraits of childhood toys. Hrm…

Fuckin’ eh it’s Porkins, baby! Actually it is William Hootkins This guy had a long career in some of the greatest films like Raiders of the Lost Arc, Batman and of course Star Wars: A New Hope. Believe it or not he was born in Dallas, Texas and moved to London after studying at Princeton and becoming fluent in Russian and Mandarin Chinese. It kind of sucks that he was such a brilliant man and talented on stage actor but landed the fat boy role as Porkins, the tubby X-Wing pilot. I always imagined his maintenance crew cleaning out McDonalds bags from the floor board of his ship. Poor Porkins.

William passed away in 2005 after losing a battle to pancreatic cancer. He was 57. The force will be with you William, always.

Well this is a little embarrassing. Apparently Gizmo was just a puppet. Moving on.

David Graf was just an awesome guy. He will always be Tackleberry from the Police Academy movies. Even though he has been in everything from M.A.S.H. to the Star Trek I can’t help but call every cop I see Tackleberry. It sucks to say this but Dave passed away in 2001 from a heart attack. I hate finding out these guys died when I am trying to see what they are up to today. I think I watch way too much TV because I feel like a classmate died.

I know I have written about Airwolf on here before but I wanted to focus on Jean Bruce Scott. It has always bothered me that in the intro there is a shot of her eating chicken. I still to this day only think of the character, Catalin O’Shannessy as a chicken eater. I’ll post the intro again for you to see. Today she is back in the saddle again producing and writing after a long hiatus from her acting career in shows like MacGuyver, Jake and The Fat Man, Matlock, Newhart, ect… But like the on going X-Entertainment funny, I don’t want to think about chicken when I am watching Airworlf.


What? Twiki wasn’t real either? So you are telling me this guy isn’t in Malibu right now? Son of a bitch. “beedee beedee!”

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Where Did You Go 2

  Ok, so I’m not done with my list of people that have ducked out of the limelight as I know it. Sorry this took more than a week to post but work is an SOB lately. I know it’s an accuse and people with far more responsibility manage to post when they say they will like my pal Kristiane but Hell, at least I am doing now. So without further ado I present to you some others that I ish we would see more often.

Art Evans, mang! This guy was a key element in defeating the terrorists in Die Hard 2 and was a pretty shitty detective that completely blew off Charley Bruster in Fright Night. His demeanor was always one that commanded at least 35% of a viewers attention. We acknowleged  him but when he shows up in other movies the brain goes into the “where have I seen him before” mode. Personally I think Die Hard 2 would have sucked without the charm of Art and his quick witted line, “where are you going to get those lights? Borrow them from Batman?”.

Stephen Geoffreys was best known for his character Evil Ed in Fright Night.  Every time I saw this movie I couldn’t help but become a little annoyed with him as Ed. That is until he was bitten and turned into a vampire with really exaggerated teeth. I mean he could eat apples through a picket fence. His vamped character was spot on, man. Spot on. But with all that going for him, Steve took a different career road than budding actors. He went straight to the hard core gay porn industry. No shit. Some of his later movies were (and I’m not making this up) Butt Pirate, Latin Crotch Rockets, Seamen In Training, and Leather Buddies. Well, what ever floats your boat or in Stephen’s case, beats your banana. Good for you Steve. I’m glad you are who you are.

Who you callin’ Dicknose? Jerry Levine is that sarcastic guy you just can’t help but love. My earliest memory of Jerry was his character in Iron Eagle as Doug Masterson’s buddy. They had kind of a weird trifecta friendship between them and their token black friend, Reggie. Really? Reggie? But again I digress. Jerry has been in many great films including his major role in Teen Wolf which told all us teens to be popular we must exploit our friend’s differences to give meaning to ourselves. Jerry is now a director for the funniest show on TV, Always Sunny In Philadelphia. I knew he was funny. He just needed a better agent.

Damn, I need to finish this later on tonight. The one fucking coffee shop that has wifi has just been invaded by mother fucking high school drama students. I hate all these kids. I hate drama kids. Drama college students are cool. Drama high schoolers are seriously unbearable. Too loud, to dramatic (no shit) and all annoying. I’m not even going to spell check this. It’s so funny to hear how hard life is to them. seriously? Declaring themselves bi-sexual? in a coffee shop? Fucking little assholes. I hope a there is a prom knock-up soon in their future. Hee….

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Where Did You Go?

I’ve always had a fascination with obscure stars that leave Hollywood and assimilate themselves with us “normal” folk. I believe it started when I was in San Diego minding my own business at a Holiday Inn lounge. I turned to my left and wouldn’t you know it, i was drink a beer next to Emerson Hart, the front man for the band Tonic. This was well after their popularity dipped to almost zero. So, just like the tactful jackass I am I said, “i liked that video when you were getting punched repeatedly…..remember that?” Who am I, Chris Farely? He was pleasant enough to say yes and thank you. I bought him a gin and quit while I was ahead. That meeting inspired me to keep the spotlight on more obscure stars that most people never think about.

Atreyu and what’s his face. I am going to start with Atreyu. His real name is Noah Hathaway and from what I gather on the Wiki world he can kick your ass six ways to Sunday. His hobbies range from tat’s to martial arts to professional motorcycle racing. In his younger days he was the prettiest boy I ever did see and on the playground being called Atreyu was not a compliment. I think Noah realized this and did a 180 when he turned 21.

Get the fuck outta here!

Good ‘ol what’s his face. Actually it’s Barret Oliver. He will always be immortalized in The Never Ending Story, D.A.R.Y.L., and Tim burton’s, Frankenweinie. At times I find myself quoting him when I am out to lunch with others. I take a bite of my sandwich, and with a half full mouth say, “No…not too much. We still have a long way to go.” If there is anyone who has not seen The Never Ending Story it leads to severe awkward looks. I think Barret is a professional photographer in LA now. Good for him. If you can’t be in the shot you can at least take it.

Danny Cooksey. This guy brings back so memories from his short time on Diff’rent Strokes as little Danny. The cute innocent kid that managed to get kidnapped by the family that recently lost their own son. To this day I don’t talk to strangers. Thanks Danny!

He was also in MacGuyver and sporting a mullet in Terminator 2. I guess he turned to metal when he grew out of his cute because he has been in and out of rock bands since the 90’s. Last I heard he was in a band called Lucy’s Milk and married to a make up artist. I hope he goes back to the bowl cut. It suites him.

Gotta love this guy. Dabney Coleman has been in so many films and TV series that if I had a dollar for all of them I wouldn’t be writing this in a coffee shop…it would be on a boat. A big one. He’s still cranking them out too which is pretty incredible because he was born in 1932. I’m surprised he retains his lines! His most memorable roles for me was Cloak and Dagger, Tootsie, Muppets Take Manhattan, War Games and Lilo and Stitch: the series (don’t ask). It seemed to me that he was always in the Airforce. Does that ring true with anyone else? I guess it’s his persona that screams, “I’m grumpy but I am a softy”.

Rick Ducommun is quite possibly my favorite actor of all times. It had a lot to do with his character Art Weingartner in the movie The Burbs. I am in the process of writing a tribute article and a web page to The Burbs. Seriously. But I digress, I love this dude. I wish he was in more films because you just can’t help but smile when he is talking. Or eating.

I have no idea what Rick is up to today. I guess he went back to Canada but I am always waiting for his comeback. You can do it Ricky!

Oh Danny Schneider! Best known for Ricky in the great 80’s movie, Better Off Dead and the fatty nerd that thought he was the smartest dick in Head Of The Class. He’s still working hard as a writer and producer for Nickelodeon. He also has a rare collection of Bakelite radios. Now you can sleep easy knowing that. He hasn’t aged that bad. He still looks the same. Check him out now.

(oh… I’m an asshole)

I have a lot more. I actually have a couple of index cards filled with names that I’ll write later today. This is fine for now and I better get back to work before I get sucked away into blogland. Hope you enjoyed my list of missed characters. I’ll leave you with this.

R.I.P. Roy. I hope there are bigger boats in Heaven!

1932-2008

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TV Show Intro’s

They say smell is the closest sense to memory we have. To me I think my memories align with TV sitcom theme songs. I guess it was how I was raised as an only child but when certain shows from the 80’s come on I feel the need to get on the floor, face the screen less than a foot away, sit on my knees and drift into TV heaven where every episode had a moral lesson and every crisis lasted only 30 minutes. It is weird to think that Nell Carter’s voice can bring up memories of Fun Fruits.

These songs were really catchy too. I swear that if they came on the radio I would crank up the volume, singing every word without a care who was in the car. Even if I was carjacked the dude would have to shoot me before I changed Webster’s theme song.

Small Wonder wasn’t a huge show by any standard but to a third grader in the 80’s it was my world. God, I had such a crush on the girl who played the robot, V.I.C.K.I.. It’s kind of strange that I thought she was hot but in real life at school I truly thought girls were more or less bio-hazards. I guess they ranked about the same as Harriet. Oh goodness I hated her. I had fantasies that Vicki would punch the freckles right off her face. No such luck.

What would we do, baby? I never was too into Family Ties because, well, I never identified with the family. That song does bring up a little nausea, though. We were sitting in the family room watching Family Ties when I honked on my lap due to many many Samoa Girl Scout cookies consumed earlier in the day. To this day I can’t stand coconut, cookies with holes in the middle, the color purple, merit badges, or the Family Ties cowbell. Go figure?

One Day At A Time was on when I was still shitting myself and while I don’t have any real memories of this show I do remember my Mom playing this on the piano. Everyone confused her for Mackensie Phillips so she learned the theme song and sang it all the time. I guess she felt flattered by the comparison. Regardless I can taste Gerber peaches and smell the old ’71 Beetle when I hear this.

I still remember that this came on at 8 am on PBS. It’s not like I was down with reading or the fabulous book reporting the kids did or even the blind guy from StarTrek but this song means summertime. I have turned on this show many times in my bathing suit getting ready for a productive day of running through the sprinkler. Plus that synthesizer is just too cool. I still find myself imitating it even today. “beepee bop booo beeee pee bop pooo” I went a little too far, haven’t I?

Is there anyone in the world that doesn’t sing along with that? You can actually walk through the mall whistling “Charles In Charge’ and with in seconds some person with harmonize “….and our rights/nights.” Try it. I promise it will happen. If it doesn’t I will mail you a pink hat that says “Alamo” on it. I’m good for it.

This was mainly an after school show that involved me not studying Algebra and ultimately led me to a C. I never did thank Scott Baio for that. So, thanks Scott and after seeing your new show on VH1 I was right, you are a douchebag.

I loved this show when I was little. He was a pretty cute little kid and if George and Ma’am wanted to adopt a little bear cub that could talk this was as close to it as one could get. But I have a bone to pick with this show. My last name is Webster and most of the eighties and early nineties I was subjected to the same gay joke, “are you an adopted black midget?”. So, I owe the creators a thank you too. Thanks assholes.

Is there anything more one can say about ALF? Great show, good cast, funny puppet, and I was right at the appropriate age to really get into ALF. There was no shame in having Alf PJ’s or an Alf doll as a kid. In fact it was greeted with a tip of the hat and thumbs up among the peers. But recently I was watching an old episode and I had this uncomfortable sensation that I was in trouble. Then it hit me. Back when this show was popular I was a bit of a Hell raiser and about 8:10 on a Monday night, 1989, my teacher called to inform the folks that I was sent to the principals’ office for fighting. Can you believe a thirty year old guy’s heart jumps when the phone rings during Alf?

Nell Carter really wails, huh? I loved this show and I am not too proud to admit that if this was on a Karaoke list i would be all over it like Nell on a biscuit. OOOOOOH, I went there.

No real sensory driven memories about Gimme A Break but I just wanted to let everyone know I appreciated it. And I guess that will be all for now. I know there are a lot more like Growing Pains, Golden Girls, Empty Nest, C.H.I.P.S., Magnum PI, and….

Fuck me, I almost forgot Airwolf. This was the show I waited on all week. Even today when I am in a plane this song is on replay in my head. There is nothing cooler than this theme song and if anyone cares to argue you will be met with me plugging my ears, chanting”…I want to kill everyone, Satan is good, Satan is our pal..”

Ok, seriously. That is it.

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Some Things I Just Won’t Do: Part 1

I consider myself to be a pretty liberal kind of guy. I will try anything once as long as I am 60% sure I will not die and 100% sure it will not hurt others. This summer my buddy and I are planning a trip to run with the bulls in Spain so really there isn’t much I won’t do. I’ve even eaten sushi in Augusta, Georgia for crying out loud! But like anything else there are exceptions and there are some things in life I will never do. Here’s my list.

Hang out at a nursing home. I think my folks can rest assured that their elderly years will be safe from being tucked away in an old person home. Nothing gives me the willies ore than the sounds of dementia and smell of pee. My grandfather spent his last year in an elderly home because my grandmother could not give him the intensive care he needed and every trip there gave me resolve to do well enough in life so my parents would not suffer the same fate. We have to do better for our aging population. I’ll never go back to one of those again and it starts by taking care of my own family.

Lead The National Anthem. I love this country and I love our anthem but I will be the first to admit I don’t know all the words on command. I think it would be less patriotic to have a catastrophic meltdown at Turner Field rather than politely say “fuck that, man!” when asked to sing it. Just listen to this dude!

Go on Jeopardy. Do you really want to advertise to the world in 30 minutes that you are retarded? I don’t. I think Alex Tribeck would probably say something like this: “For the first time in Jeopardy history we have someone on contestant row that actually owes the show money. Bill from Atlanta….will that be cash or check?”

Sing or Dance at a half time show. No fucking way! I know this kind of ties in withe the National Anthem but it I felt that this deserved it’s own line. Can you imagine being force to sing and dance with a group of “touched” kids at an German soccer game? I have and even had a nightmare about it. Pay attention to the kid in the white shirt. He’s gots the moves, mang!

Window Washing. I don’t know why but for some strange reason I can look down from heights but I get total vertigo when I look up. I remember working in an office building that was 25 stories and when I was going in I noticed hanging ropes dangling next to the entrance. I followed the ropes with my eyes all the way to see two guys suspended over 300 feet and before I knew it I feel on my butt. How embarrassing! One lady screamed, ” I think he’s seizing!” Nope, just a tool, ma’am. Just a tool.

There are a few more but I will have to think of them. These are just the ones that are on my all time “no way” list. No amount of money can buy your dignity and no amount of booze will make you forget so I am a true believer that every person should have their limitations. Stay tuned for part duex! Is that how you spell that?

Oh yeah, what are yours?

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