Category: 1

Another Proud Moment

This hasn’t happened to me for a while but the other day I was cruising around a very quirky gift store and had the scare of a life time. If you have read my previous posts it is clear that have issues with muppets/puppets that lack a sense of humor. Well, right when I walked in I heard a rattling sound and right to my right hand side stood this…

Jumpin‘ Jesus, what is that?!?! I leaped right out of my shoes and headed for the door making some noise that made me question my manhood. By the time I got to the door I looked back to see if the old lady had a hold on my collar. Then the brain kicked in and I began to realize it was not a satanic Grandma but a robotic, vibrating mannequin. The worker at the novelty shop came around the corner (amused, I’m sure) and gave warning that her husband is also in the store. With my heart in my throat I thanked her for the heads up and walked cautiously through the over stocked shop.

I was on guard and I must had looked like I was on patrol in Vietnam. There is one thing I hate and that is life size muppet-looking mannequins that move. I had to find this guy before he found me because shitting myself as a 30 year old guy in a chick store is a great way to kill any self esteem I had left.

Found him. It still made my heart jump but there he was. I can rest a little easier that there was no more surprise encounters with robo grandpa and grandma. I did feel a little silly inching up to take a closer picture by stepping one foot at a time while remaining at the ready to sprint in the opposite direction should he make any sudden movements. But seriously, look at this guy.

Why? Why would anyone need this? A six and a half foot, moving butler? If I was little and I came to this particular store I would still be awake today. There is nothing funny or cute about this and I tip my hat to the girl who locks up at night.

I was still keyed up and even this dog caught me off guard. I didn’t make girl noises but he made me ball a fist in defense. I guess this type of stuff is just wasted on me. There must be some repressed memory that elicits such an irrational response. I know that these things are rubber and metal but it doesn’t lessen the fact that being trapped in a small place with one would definitely make me squeeze my hamburger.

11

Band Names

Believe it or not there was a time in my high school career I was certain that I would be in a multi-platinum record selling, hard rock band. There wasn’t a question of if I would make it, but when. My days where filled with Led Zeppelin 3, Metallica’s “Kill’ em All”, Nirvana, The Animals, Pink Floyd, and Cream. To me, I was a visionary and so was my band. We were the only ones who saw the world this way and the only ones who knew that soon arenas around the states would be filled with thousands screaming our name,”Aerial Bullfrog”.

Now that I look back, that name doesn’t scream “Feed Africa” or “Stop AIDs”. Now it sounds like, at best, the opener for the band “Midlife Crisis ” thats only claim to fame is the keyboard player who did a track with The Georgia Satellites in 1993. No, Aerial Bullfrog sucked. Both the name and I’m sure the band if memory serves me correctly. I wish I could go back and give us a better name. Maybe my life as a rock star would have happened if only the name was cooler. Here’s some of the names I would toss around.

  • Pumpernipple
  • DickDrip and the Hand Cramps
  • Giant Ape Juice (Had to take that Matt.)
  • Midnight Running Scared Past A Pentecostal Sanctuary Under Cloudy Knight Sky (MRS PAP SUCKS) *she did
  • Drink More Ovaltine
  • Chewmama!
  • Puker
  • The Poo’s
  • Taco Taco
  • Go Meat!
  • Tipping Scooters
  • Apple Sounds (start every song by biting into an apple. Risk getting beer bottles thrown at you)
  • Veggie Macabre (Can’t help that one)

I have more. Need to think a little harder though. What are some of yours? I know you have them!

10

PSA’s That Taught Me Nothing

About a month ago my buddy Matt over at X-Entertainment wrote a great post about an old 80’s PSA add that warned kids of the hazards that drinking and driving poses. Of course to the little kids that we were when that particular add came out, the lesson was missed all together. Instead we were taunted not by the message but by the shock value that was burned into our brains. So now that I think back, there are a few PSA’s from my childhood that really taught me nothing more than a catchy tunes or sleepless nights thinking of evil puppets.

Ah shit, the old CBS intro. You know, the computer bleeps at the beginning? When I was searching for Woodsy the Owl adds I found this gem and that little tune brought me right back to the time when using the toilet was an option. I can not say I was a fan of Woodsy but I will say I met the owl in real life. I was a Tiger Scout and some poor bastard in an owl costume had to spend an afternoon at camp with us. I can still hear his muffled voice say, “give a hoot, don’t pollute!” Then he had to take his head off to keep from having heatstroke. Nothing like a giant dose of reality to 30 six year olds.

I was always confused why rolled up socks were singing to me. Then I payed closer attention only to realize that these were not socks at all but pills. That cleared a lot of questions up for me like, “why would people confuse socks with candy” and “Why would you call poison control if you eat a sock? You should call a shrink.”. To this day I still can’t believe Busta Rhymes stole this song for “Dangerous”. Now that is funny.

Should I touch this one? Oh I have to. First off the puppets are pretty scary and really belong at Six Flags, “Monster Plantation”. Second, if I ever have kids I don’t want them singing this. Maybe it’s the fact that I watch too much “To Catch A Predator” and I believe everyone is inherently evil and out to get children. Whatever the case, I have to believe the writers for this song are out of touch with the perverts of society. Or are they? Now I have the creeps.

Vince and Larry, the Crash Test Dummies never drove home the message that wearing your safety belt in a car would keep me from dying. No, I was too perplexed by the fact Larry had the same voice as Garfield. It really bugged me for some strange reason. I think Peter Venkman on The Real Ghostbusters also shared Garfield’s voice. I have issues.

I guess this as good of time as any to tip my hat to the voice of Garfield, Lorenzo Music. I was really upset when he passed in 2001 because his voice was one of the greats. Recognized by millions, he could read an obituary and somehow make you feel good about it. Wish he was still here but luckily for us he is immortalized by a fat cat that is 30 years old.

This commercial used to turn me on my fucking ear! I felt pretty bad for this kid when and I didn’t know why he took it the way he did. I used to put myself in his position and think, “If I was him I would ask her to dance and if she said no I would say, I’m sorry, you misunderstood me. I said you look fat in those pants.” Yeah. Then I would stare off into space smiling about how quick witted I was in an adolescent daydream.

14

Yawn Burp

 I know I am not alone on this. And if I am, I guess that is my luck. Today I had some quiet time for the first time in many a month. But it wasn’t alone time by any means. I was able to sneak away to a remote college coffee shop in Marietta, GA. It was the first time I had been there in years but I was in the area and desperate for free WiFi and Earl Grey. I did feel a little old to be in there but what ever. So what if I was the only guy in a suit?

I found a lone table in the far corner of the cafe, sat down and quietly unzipped my computer bag trying to not draw any annoyed attention to myself. With laptop safely opened, the tea lid off without the end of my tie in it and my bottom resting on the seat I began to feel safely assimilated with the rest. But soon my wake up call of  4:30 am reared it’s ugly head and the need to yawn over took my body.

It was a great stretchy yawn too. The type that peaks every sense in the body, expelling the tenseness of the day, charging the nerves, popping the ears and filling the lungs so full the need to breath again seems an eternity. I’ve never tried heroin but I would imagine if the dragon was caught, the zenith point of a stretchy yawn would be very similar. In other words, I believe this yawn/stretch to be a publicly and sociably acceptable orgasm.

Much like the life I lead, with great triumph come great tragedy.  Right when I was at the high point of the yawn it happened. I burped. I can only describe in words what it sounded like so here it goes.

mmmmrraaaaaaaooorrrruuu*URP* (abrupt stop)

I still had my arms fully stretched to the sides, but my mouth shut as I looked around wide eyed.  No one looked at first but everyone made eyes and began to smile. Even the damn cat that was sleeping on the register picked up it’s head and looked at me across the restaurant as if to say, “what the fuck, man.?”. Soon my ears began to heat as I slowly lowered my arms down. I can’t really explain why but I adjusted my tie and cleared my throat. Then I completely validated what happened by saying way too loudly, “excuse me”. Luckily I was the uncool suit in the room so no one responded.

Oh, well. That wasn’t as bad as what happened later. I tried to shove Splenda packets under one of the uneven table legs and I tipped my topless tea over. I just left. Mess and all. So all in all, today only cost me $2.95 for the tea and 1,000,000,000 cool points. Pretty cheap, huh?

16

Up ↑