Just When You Thought It Was Safe…

Do you have completely irrational fears? Not like a fear of being trampled to death at a Miley Cyrus concert or a fear of the moon falling into the Earth, because while those are odd fears and highly unlikely to happen, they are plausible. I am talking about fears that defy logic and reality. I am about to share one of mine with you and it all started on a summer day in the year 1985 when my Uncle Nat introduced me to the movie, Jaws.

I can’t think of a single movie that had that much of an effect on me. Going to the beach every summer always had a shadow of a shark looming in my head and I was content to just make sand castles for my micro-machines, drink Ecto Cooler Hi-C and get grit in my mouth from eating Doritos with sandy fingers. But when I was told to go rinse off, that music, oh that music started in my mind and I was ever so quick to get in and get out while other kids played in the surf. No surf fun for me. I saw what happened to Alex Kintner. 

Since that fateful day in 1985 I have had this lurking unease that a giant great white shark could appear at most any body of water to include lakes, ponds, SWIMMING POOLS, jacuzzis, baths, really hard rains, full sinks and toilets. I even had a dream that there was a free-floating shark roaming around my house and I had to hide in the fridge to escape being eaten. Then Rue McClanahan showed up and things got weird but that’s for another post. I need to stay focused.

Even today as a rational, working and (maybe) intelligent adult, I still get an unease that somewhere there is a swimming devil that wouldn’t mind chewing me up. This plagues my soul and got me thinking. Have you ever read the Stephen King book, Mist? I might be mistaken but essentially the military accidentally opens up a…something, and all these horrid creatures come out and kill people in the worst ways imaginable. What if (stay with me here) a parallel universe crossed with ours and air-breathing great white sharks that can fly showed up and could hide and attack when least expected! I seriously have thought about this. And I think it would look very much like this:



8 thoughts on “Just When You Thought It Was Safe…

Add yours

  1. You’re gonna need a bigger dryer…and a bigger toilet…and a bigger freezer…and a bigger closet…

    Loved the post sir. That shark is friggin’ sweet, by the way. Also, I fear the day sharks finally decide it’s time to evolve and start walking around and shit.

  2. I remember seeing that movie when it first came out. The way the whole row of seats would jump back during the startling moments. I live in San Diego, and I still can’t skindive through kelp without hearing that song… Da Dum…Da Dum…Da dum da dum…
    For best use of an inflatable antagonist in a supporting role, the Oscar goes to…

  3. Dude, I’m right there with you. I won’t even go waste deep into the ocean. I can’t tell you how many nightmares I’ve had about it. It’s absolutely my worst fear.

    And Jaws:The Revenge, as bad of a movie as it was, didn’t help matters any because it taught us that sharks can not only swim from New England to The Bahamas in a matter of days, in defiance of all natural laws of science, but they can also stick their heads out of the water and roar like a fucking lion.

  4. Love the pics. It goes without saying but I’ll say it anyway, that it would totally suck the utmost of suckage if a parallel universe with air breathing great white sharks that could fly crossed with ours. But after seeing your pictures I at least know what I’d be up against.

Speak to me, Egor.

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