So This Actually Happened

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It hit me the other day that things happen to me and that’s normal because things happen to everyone. Only I tend to share them in a forum for many to laugh at. I find comfort, however,  that their laughter is marred by the deep-recessed knowledge that shit happens to them too.

This epiphany happened on Friday when a little kid accidentally peed on my leg at the mall. Let me paint the picture with words.

I was in the Spokane Valley mall this past Friday and after the long 130 mile trip from Moscow, two bottles of water and a coffee proved too much for my tank to hold. So, I went to the restroom. Quickly.

I don’t know about most other guys but when choosing a urinal I always try to pick a far right or left one just to lower the probability of having to pee next to someone. There is always an awkward period of silence and if it is broken, the awkwardness is increased exponentially. Here are three scenarios that happened over the past few years causing me to choose pee-solitude.

  1. 2004 Salt Lake International Airport: An elderly guy is peeing next to me and explaining that the first sign of prostate cancer is when the pee-stream goes “that way”, briefly taking his hands away from control position to demonstration position causing him to lose control, piss the front of his pants and scream, “DANG FUCK!”.
  2. 2009 Patty’s Too, Post Falls, Idaho: Guy peeing next to me farts and begins to fake cough. I couldn’t help but start to laugh which caused me to fake cough as well.
  3. 2002 US Naval Air Station San Diego: A drunk sailor steps up to the urinal next to mine and states as soon as he’s done he is going to punch me in the face. I finished first and calmly left, passing two Marines to whom he declared the same intention. You can guess…

So there are three perfect examples of why, given the choice, the urinal decision is important. But sometimes trouble comes to you and on Friday, trouble came in the form of an eight year old kid. This actually happened.

I walked into the empty mall restroom and before me where four urinals; two tall ones on the left and two shorter ones on the right. I chose the tall one on the far left. Shortly after an eight year old kid comes in and chooses the one right next to me and while I thought that was weird, I found it even more weird that he managed to pee positioning himself in such a way that his back was to me. Now it’s not that I was trying to watch a little kid pee (you perv) but there are some things you just can’t help but notice. Especially if it’s weird and kind of funny.

This little kid obviously wanted to use the “big guy” urinal and had no choice but to pee next to me. So, he tried as best as he could to do so discretely and he would have been successful but he forgot that there is a possibility of other people coming in the restroom. And people did. Realizing he was completely exposed by peeing with his pack to me, he freaked and quickly turned to his entire body position hard left, overshooting the urinal and crossing the stream over my leg…and then back again. With two lines of warm piss soaking into my pant leg I heard the kid let out a faint and defeated, “oooooh”.

You can not be mad at this. If you get mad at this, then you are a bad person. I know he didn’t mean such a faux pas and a faux pas of this epic scale usually involves a “talking to” but knowing that this kid was on the verge of tears over friendly fire, all I could say was “don’t worry about it, buddy”.

I walked over to the sink and proceeded to paper towel the accident away without making him feel worse. I fully expected him to sprint for the door, but God bless him, he remembered to wash his hands.

It’s That Time of the Year Again!

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I can’t believe it but a whole year has passed from last year! I know this is an everyday occurrence but on these occasions, I am always reminded that time is moving along, with or without me. It’s crazy but I really do feel like Time hates me. It wants to chop off my dong and feed it to Minutes the dog. Regardless, I need to celebrate the fact I am still here and all of you are still here. So, with that being said, it’s almost time for the Fourth annual Fall Beer Review!

This weekend I will be delving into the upcoming October/Fall/Spooky beers just like the previous years only this time…I’ll be on location and *drum roll* doing it via VLOG! (video +blog) It’s a new thing for VeggieMacabre and I hope it goes over as well as it is in my head. Most things are much better in my head.

Until then you can read the previous reviews’ below and feel free to share your holiday drink favorites with me. I will try hard to find them in my local Co-Op and grocery store to include them in the multiple reviews. I’ll be in touch and here is to liver damage in the name of entertainment!

Fall Beer 2009 part 1

Fall Beer 2009 part 2

Fall Beer 2008

Fall Beer 2007

My Yoda Question

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What is Yoda? I am not a die-hard Star Wars geek so I am sure this could be answered with as little effort as Wookiepidia or asking the question aloud in the general direction of this guy:

Now before you jump all over me for being mean or guilty of stereotyping, I did hear a lightsaber go off behind me and it was either his computer or the 90 pound old lady reading Pride and prejudice and drinking her cup of tea with as much tribulation as Rep. Barney Frank has pronouncing “sea salt”. If it was her, I give up on life as I know it and will try to fly tonight.

Anyway, back to my question. What is Yoda and in this fictitious galaxy, are there more Yodas? Obviously, being a Jedi means he is a special breed so one can deduce that there are normal Yodas, right? And that would make for some pretty lame creatures if you ask me.

Yoda's taller brother, Leo.

I like to think that Yoda was the one who had a gift for the Force but his other faux pas kept him from being fully accepted by his peers. You know, like severe dyslexia and having the voice of an asshole. I really believe the only option a guy like that had was Jedi camp.

To get my question answered quickly, I will tag only nerd attracting phrases and words. These are guaranteed to get some site hits from those who would know. But if you do, please, lemme know! Or make up your own story because trust me, I would believe you.

//

Everything But…

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So I had some bad news after completing last weeks race. It turns out I ran the race on a broken heel and further aggravated my injury causing a calcaneus fracture. It sucks and now I have to train for my 100 mile Xterra race that is in a month by doing everything except running. So I have turned to my long time fitness mentor, prior Navy SEAL Lt. Stew Smith for advice on not being an idiot. And what do you think a SEAL would suggest? Of course….swimming.

This past week I have done everything except running to include spinning, biking, swimming, cross training, heavy low set weights and hypoxic walking (walking while holding your breath and controlling heart beats). I will tell you, all this fails in comparison to running. Perhaps I am bias, but there is nothing that will torture, challenge and push one’s mind to the brink like long distance running. And maybe that’s because I am not a talented runner and a bit weak-minded but to me, it’s on the running trail that I know who I am.

So if you see a guy walking around in a “Japanese Jumpboot” holding his breath or in the pool practicing 50 meter underwater drills, it might be me. Wave but keep your distance. I have a tendency to throw up while doing hypoxic training.

See? Weak minded.

Nothing Is Ever Easy

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Well, I survived the race to Spokane and I think that is really saying something because three people were hit by cars and one died. I still have to say that out loud because doing something so fun with such amazing people, death shouldn’t be a factor and it is hard for me to believe that happened. But, in a 185 mile race over a 24 hour period, there is an element of danger. But this really put a dark cloud over our celebration at the finish.

So, I will talk about the race later. It was a lot of fun and my team comprised some of the most talented and insanely fast runners I have seen. They made 7 mile stretches seem like a 500 yard dash and that’s being modest. I really wish I could have been quicker but sadly I had to run on a stress fractured heel and I just couldn’t get out of second gear. I am still Pissy McPissface about it.

On another note, have you ever noticed when you are in a rush, nothing will work in your favor? It happened to me in a Target yesterday. Now I was still a little tired from the weekend but this five-minute errand turned into a whopping thirty minute campaign I like to call Operation “Losing My Shit”. All I needed was wrapping paper, a card and tape. Sounds easy. It was not.

This seemed like a one-stop-shop aisle where all my needs should be fulfilled. Well, not really. I guess I was in such a rush I just couldn’t seem to find anything anywhere and that, for some reason, pissed me off. And I never get pissed about such things so I don’t understand why I went so Incredible-Hulk-on-shirt about this. Perhaps it was because finding tape under five bucks was like finding Bigfoot.

Well, this is turning into a pretty lame story so I will get to the part that made me want to write this in the first place and take pictures of tape.

No matter what, in the grocery store, I will always be in line behind the old lady who has a coupon for everything in her cart, needs price checks on generic canned cat food and after an agonizing wait, she will reveal her checkbook and demonstrate her cursive writing skills. This doesn’t bother me. Not in the least. But when you chose a line because you have wandered through the gift wrap aisle like a paraplegic in a game of “Marco Polo” and the phone is going berserk from people wondering why you are late, you try to pick the shortest line available. But that proves futile if the person infront of you is this guy.

For the sake of anonymity, just in case this is a reader’s Uncle Lou, I put an LOL cat over his face. Man, this guy could not figure how to pay with the credit card machine. If President James K. Polk was flung from his time to present day and told to pay for this detergent, I am pretty sure he could have figured it out before this guy did. It was tough to watch and that is when my patients waned and got the best of me. On his tenth attempt to not press the giant red ‘CANCEL TRANSACTION’ button, I blurted “jumpin’ Jesus on skates”. He looked at me with a defeated face and said, “I’m sorry”.

There aren’t many times I truly feel like a total asshole (though that may shock a few people) but when it happens I hate myself. I hated myself right then and there.

So, the moral of the story is be excellent to each other. Even if you can’t find cheap tape.