Month: July 2008

Ties And Flies

A couple of weeks ago I found myself in a hurry to make it to a very important meeting. Why was I in a hurry, you ask? It was because I had stopped off at my home for lunch and had to finish an episode of Home Improvement. I mean, they thought Randy might have leukemia and I had to watch the whole thing to see if he would be alright. You don’t expect me to concentrate at sales meeting when Randy’s health was in question, do you? Well, it turns out he was okay, it was just a gland thing. (whew) But that extra five minutes of suspenseful pacing left me little time to make it to the meeting on time. So I raced out the door, hopped in my car and tore off down the road to the corporate suck tank, call I work.

When I am in a rush it is inevitable that every light on the way will turn yellow at the exact point I am too far away to make it before it turns red. It’s a tease from God, I swear it. So, I will slam on my brakes and cause everything from the backseat to transfer to the front and the pissface behind me will mouth the words, “mother dicklick ass shit!”. I of course will make the situation much worse and wave out the window as if to say, “I know…I suck”.

So I rip into the parking lot at top speed, jump out of the car, grab my briefcase, slam the car door and “HERK!”. I slammed my tie in the car door. Now normal people will open the door, sheepishly straighten it and walk away. Not me! I pulled and yanked and pulled and yanked and finally….it came loose. Only it looked like this.

I shredded the shit out of a $70 tie all because I am a half an I.Q. point higher than retard. I walked a little defeated to my meeting just staring at the end of my tie. I had to decide what would be worse; being late or looking dumb. I choose to be late. I ran up to my office and taped the shreds to the back of the tie and believe it or not, it looked half way fixed. I made my way to the conference room and I could here muffled chatter behind the door. I opened it up and walked confidently to an empty seat, feeling twenty pairs of eyes on me. I sat down and the meeting went ahead as if I had been there the whole time. Then I notice the tie on my lap right next to my shirt tail. Shirt tail?

My shirt tale was coming out of my fly that was left unzipped. True mother fuckin’ story.

I went home that night and stopped at a gas station. I bought a Samurai sword. It’s the little things that I have to hold onto after a day like that.

On a happier note, the first article of Macabre Fitness is up. It’s a shoe review! Oooooooooo!

http://macabrefitness.wordpress.com/

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New News To Know!

I have been mulling this over for over a year now and finally I have finally started it. Today I am kicking it in to high gear and launching an interactive fitness website. I know there are a billion million fitness websites out there but I hope to seperate this one from the rest by basing it loosely on VeggieMacabre style humor and making it completely interactive. So far I have two private business and one corporate sponsor so I believe that will force my hand into taking it very seriously. On top of that I hope to include the various “who’s who” among the fitness celebrity circuit. I have to get a hold of the guy that juices everything.

Right now you can see the outline blog at MacabreFitness. Notice how I kept the macabre? I will see how well that is received. The website’s blog will be linked on VeggieM so while I build the actual site you can go there to see how the progress is going and check out the linked sponsors. I have the very best readers in the world and I hope they can add their stories to the site. Like I said, it will be interactive.

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10 Things I Have Become Aware Of In One Week

 The other day I was asked if I am self aware. I wasn’t aware that I wasn’t aware. I am, however, very tuned into the strange little things that are around me. This has become more and more apparent since I have blogged about mostly that for a year now. It is also apparent because I have been asked more than once “besides you, who thinks about that stuff…”. So maybe I am not completely aware of me but the randoness of life never misses my attention. Perhaps I have an attention disorder.

  1. I passed a guy last week while walking to my office after lunch. He was walking and eating corn on the cob. He was also in a suit, obviously going to an office as well. I have never seen anyone eat corn on the cob while walking in the city.
  2. I counted 34 “uh’s” in a presentation this guy gave at work. And I completely missed the point of the meeting.
  3. Last week I met a gentleman who believes that UFOs visit the Earth regularly. I asked him if he thought aliens would be too weird looking for humans to accept. He asked me if I thought Yoda looked weird. That made a lot of sense to me.
  4. I have seen this bike more and more at the running park. One question: How do you start the riding process?                   

 5. We are breeding kids to be wusses.

    6.  It has become clear that I am the last one to figure out that Bill O’Rielly is a real jerk and Fox News is really caddy. Can a news channel be caddy?

    7.  I notice when other guys check out girls’ butts and cleavage. Then I wondered if people notice    when I do it. It turns out they do and I am bad about hiding it. Maybe I am a little self aware.  

    8.  People who are assholes or idiots at the bar are most likely the people who rarely get drunk. I call them the “Friday after nine o’clock crew”. And I hate them so.

    9. No matter what the noise level is in a public place, the volume will always dim at the exact point you say “penis”, “vagina”, “herpes”, “prostitute”, “left testicle” and “I’m awesome”. I don’t know why that is but it’s definitely paranormal.

   10. Actually to be completely honest, I am only aware of nine things this week. I can’t make a list that has nine items or I will get a rash. I wasn’t aware that I have an issue with odd numbers like that until now. Hrm, I guess that is 10 after all.

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