Being A Jerk At Whole Foods

Have you ever noticed when you go into a health food store or a nutrition shop how unhealthy everyone looks? It’s pretty ironic that many of the people who shop at the sources for all things good for you look more or less like a 19 year old sick cat. I was at a Whole Foods not too long ago God only knows what was going on with about half the shoppers. Now I know I am generalizing and if you shop there, please know I am not talking about you, but I am going to do a quick character analysis on two people and a couple that I had the pleasure of standing behind waiting to check out. I understand that this is wrong to do and I am sure I am off base but what can i say? I’m an asshole.

This is not the lady who was at the head of the line but man, this is close. She had the glasses and everything. So my first guess she is a sweet lady, maybe in her early 50’s that goes home to her husband and a Labrador now that the kids are all out of the house and married. She spent the afternoon doing work in the garden and now she has come to Whole Foods for some additions to the great dinner she will be making right when she gets home. And then she opened her mouth.

She snapped at the cashier, “can this take any longer?”. Whoa. Now the very second she asked that snotty, retorical question my analysis changed to this. She lives in a town house with her 3 cats, all named after famous psychologists. Her liberal education, many degrees and accolades left her smug and with a sense of being superior. But that sense is a false front to her real feelings of being inadequate and the feeling that there is always someone who is out to get her. Though her education has taught her that a socialist way of life is the only way to be and the little guy should be taken care of by the wealthy guy, she would never think to show an ounce of kindness to him. Hence the dismissive remark to the poor cashier who just wants to get a price check on her fish oil vitamins. I bet she is a shitty tipper too. Next….

Like I said before, this isn’t the couple that was next in line but gee wiz, that’s pretty close to what they looked like. It looked as if they both had finished a run judging from the attire. I always admire married couples who have a common hobby like exercise or art or I don’t know….lawn darts. They were purchasing soy milk, two avocados and a leafy thing. Maybe parsley? I had no beef with them until the guy blew his nose in line like it was his job. It was no ordinary blow. There was a dog that was laying down outside, the doors were shut and cars were passing by and his nose blowing made the dog jump. I kid you not. It even made me duck a little. It’s a involuntary reaction.

There isn’t really a reason why this rubbed me wrong but it did. I imagine that if you went to their house for dinner there would inevitably be a conversation about a recent colonascopy he had. Then after dinner there would be an invitation to have coffee in the living room while we all witness the miracle of child birth by watching home movies. And just when the night couldn’t go any better they drop the bomb that they are swingers and there is a hot tub in the backyard. Amazing isn’t it? I gathered all that by a nose blow.

This guy was my favorite. This picture couldn’t get any closer to the real dude that was standing in front of me. Except he had a shirt that said “Good Bush, Bad Bush” which had an image of George Bush and an image of female genitalia. I haven’t been around too many hippies so I can’t be the judge of who is or who is not a hippie. I don’t believe this guy is a true hippie because he was on the phone, using his wireless Bluetooth headset. Hippies would never conform to such a thing. More over, they couldn’t afford it.

There was no way I could have avoided eves dropping in on his conversation because for one, he was talking about a girl and calling her a bitch with no sense of shame and two, there was a shopping cart behind me trapping me close to him and the odor of patchouli. He definitely strikes me as a conscientious objector but for what reason he couldn’t tell you. I’m certain he believes 9/11 was an inside job and he could prove it by explaining the hidden messages on the dollar bill. There is a high probability that if you asked him to point to NY on a map he just may put his finger on Maine.

Well, before I knew it my entertainment was over and I was at the front of the line. I bought chips. Chips for dips.

Oh To Be A Bee

I don’t know where you live but here, everything is yellow. The pollen is just unbearable and those who have allergies are suffering far worse than I can remember in previous years. I kind of feel bad for them because I see them have the same symptoms as a nasty cold or flu bug but they can’t stay home because it is a common excuse. And the fact it is non communicable so they have to just suffer in the cubicle. All day long all you can here is nose blowing and sneezing. If it were not April I would think we were on the verge of an epidemic.

This pollen also chaps my hide because I just bought a new car and wouldn’t you know it? I got a black car. Now I dive around in a dingy, yellowish-blackish car that screams, “I do the bare minimum in life and love it”. I had the luxury of owning a silver car before so the idea of weekly washes was never center stage in my mind. Now I have a monthly membership to a snotty car wash not because I can but because I have to. Oh the price of contemporary taste.

And the bees. There are tons of these guys that seem to have quadrupled in numbers in just a week. It’s not the yellow jackets or the honey bees so much but the big bumble bees. I have heard that they don’t sting but every time one is near it sounds as if you are about to but your face in a desk fan. There is nothing funnier than to see a full grown dude flip out, flail the arms and spring to a sprint when a bee is near. Especially if the people who are observing don’t see the bee at all.

If there is any truth to reincarnation I wouldn’t mind coming back as a bumble bee. The weather would have to be nice and I think scaring people would be a great hobby. I can’t in this life because, well, I am not very scary. That is unless I looked like a bee. Hrm……..

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Fear Me!

Sausages!

I have to admit, I have become pretty desensitized to what is funny in our current state of pop culture. Maybe it is the fact that the last season of The Office was a little drab. Or perhaps I am still holding a very bitter animosity towards Fox for canceling Arrested Development. What ever the case is, I very rarely have laugh out loud moments when it comes to television. To be fair I rarely watch enough of it to be a critic but still, the few shows I see that are prime time get little more than a smirk. That is why I focus on commercials because they can hit a home run when TV can barely get a base hit.

Bud Light commercials have to be the greatest dead space filler since Billy Mays made his infomercial debut. The cleaver campaign has touched the hearts of many 22 to 35 year old guys and can make even the most pedantic and culture asshole chuckle. I would love to see the think-tank at the corporate advertisement office. I imagine it is a room full of Nerf hoops, air hockey tables and dart boards with a kegerator in the corner and the ad execs ranged from 24 to 30 year old dudes. The dress code would be little more than no jean shorts and if you wore a polo, the collar had to be down. An environment like that would be perfect to give us a gem like this.

It’s nice to see that laundry detergents and stain removal products are not only targeting women. It’s true that most all the guys I know, including myself, do their own laundry. I even use dryer sheets and (gasp) iron from time to time. I still have a hard time figuring out how to get some stains out and normally I would just turn to the black magic of the local Korean dry cleaners but thanks to Tide’s stain stick I have some magic of my own. To be perfectly honest, it was this commercial that made me stop in the aisle at the grocery store. To this day I still have this in my head when I see someone with a stain.

I am old enough to remember the day when Snickers candy bars were target to be a quick alternative to lunch. It was the “pick me up” of the mid eighties but then that damn FDA gave us the food pyramid that didn’t include nugget, chocolate or caramel. So it was left to the kids and the commercials became drab. That is until recently when someone finally was in charge of the marketing that had a sense of humor. Maybe it is the weird, quirky characters but I laugh harder every time I see this. I have a thing with poorly played horns.

This one really spoke to me. I think I have been to Quizno’s collectively five times in my life but those five times were when the Quizo rats or chinchillas or maybe gerbils were the spokes….things. For the life of me I can not figure out why they got rid of them. The singing was perfect, the South Park like animation was aces and to this day I still say “They got a pepper barrrrr“. Now that has to say something to the marketing department when I still sing that four years later. We need to start a petition to bring the Mexican rat things back. “We love the subsssss!'”

Man, this was a stretch for a post. I have some long ones that I have been working on for a while and they should be up by Friday. Hope you like them.

By the way, where the fuck is spell check in the new WordPress? If there is one thing I can’t live without, it is spell check.

Another Proud Moment

This hasn’t happened to me for a while but the other day I was cruising around a very quirky gift store and had the scare of a life time. If you have read my previous posts it is clear that have issues with muppets/puppets that lack a sense of humor. Well, right when I walked in I heard a rattling sound and right to my right hand side stood this…

Jumpin‘ Jesus, what is that?!?! I leaped right out of my shoes and headed for the door making some noise that made me question my manhood. By the time I got to the door I looked back to see if the old lady had a hold on my collar. Then the brain kicked in and I began to realize it was not a satanic Grandma but a robotic, vibrating mannequin. The worker at the novelty shop came around the corner (amused, I’m sure) and gave warning that her husband is also in the store. With my heart in my throat I thanked her for the heads up and walked cautiously through the over stocked shop.

I was on guard and I must had looked like I was on patrol in Vietnam. There is one thing I hate and that is life size muppet-looking mannequins that move. I had to find this guy before he found me because shitting myself as a 30 year old guy in a chick store is a great way to kill any self esteem I had left.

Found him. It still made my heart jump but there he was. I can rest a little easier that there was no more surprise encounters with robo grandpa and grandma. I did feel a little silly inching up to take a closer picture by stepping one foot at a time while remaining at the ready to sprint in the opposite direction should he make any sudden movements. But seriously, look at this guy.

Why? Why would anyone need this? A six and a half foot, moving butler? If I was little and I came to this particular store I would still be awake today. There is nothing funny or cute about this and I tip my hat to the girl who locks up at night.

I was still keyed up and even this dog caught me off guard. I didn’t make girl noises but he made me ball a fist in defense. I guess this type of stuff is just wasted on me. There must be some repressed memory that elicits such an irrational response. I know that these things are rubber and metal but it doesn’t lessen the fact that being trapped in a small place with one would definitely make me squeeze my hamburger.

Band Names

Believe it or not there was a time in my high school career I was certain that I would be in a multi-platinum record selling, hard rock band. There wasn’t a question of if I would make it, but when. My days where filled with Led Zeppelin 3, Metallica’s “Kill’ em All”, Nirvana, The Animals, Pink Floyd, and Cream. To me, I was a visionary and so was my band. We were the only ones who saw the world this way and the only ones who knew that soon arenas around the states would be filled with thousands screaming our name,”Aerial Bullfrog”.

Now that I look back, that name doesn’t scream “Feed Africa” or “Stop AIDs”. Now it sounds like, at best, the opener for the band “Midlife Crisis ” thats only claim to fame is the keyboard player who did a track with The Georgia Satellites in 1993. No, Aerial Bullfrog sucked. Both the name and I’m sure the band if memory serves me correctly. I wish I could go back and give us a better name. Maybe my life as a rock star would have happened if only the name was cooler. Here’s some of the names I would toss around.

  • Pumpernipple
  • DickDrip and the Hand Cramps
  • Giant Ape Juice (Had to take that Matt.)
  • Midnight Running Scared Past A Pentecostal Sanctuary Under Cloudy Knight Sky (MRS PAP SUCKS) *she did
  • Drink More Ovaltine
  • Chewmama!
  • Puker
  • The Poo’s
  • Taco Taco
  • Go Meat!
  • Tipping Scooters
  • Apple Sounds (start every song by biting into an apple. Risk getting beer bottles thrown at you)
  • Veggie Macabre (Can’t help that one)

I have more. Need to think a little harder though. What are some of yours? I know you have them!

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