There few things more disconcerting than eating your favorite snack and about 3/4’s of the way though figure out that something has been snacking with you. That happened to be my realization last night while I was elbow deep in a box of Triscuits. It’s no secret that my vice in life is reduced fat Triscuits much to the dismay of anyone watching TV with me or sharing an office. It’s not as harmful as smoking and not as fattening as beer but I have accidentally inhaled a shredded wheat fiber which caused me to choke while driving. From then on I only eat Triscuits from the safety of my armchair.

Back to my point. So I was mouing down the crackers when I found this!

It is a cracker with a perfect bite in it. Not what you want to find after consuming about 30 of them. So I sat there staring at the Triscuit, expressionless. Many things ran through my head as I held the cracker to the light. Then I placed it on the table and dumped out the remaining, scavenging for a clue to what could have possibly taken this bite and praying that a mouse didn’t fall on the table as well. After a minute or two I came up with these possibilities.

Not cool, man! I would die if I was sharing a snack with a mouse. But then I asked myself why would a mouse jump into a box of Triscuits and only take one bite of a cracker? I don’t think they stop at one. I certainly can not. Regardless, I doubt a mouse was the culprit because they generally chew their own doors open. Don’t they?

A confused termite, perhaps? I have seen a few termites around the area and wouldn’t you know it? These assholes bite and fly! I am more scarred of a termite than a bee. At least bees pollen-ate and make honey. Termites eat your home and then have the audacity to try and eat you. I am drifting again…back to the point. I am leaning against a termite. Even though Triscuits are as close to wood as a snack can get, it’s freezing outside and I just don’t believe one survived only to take up residence in my box of crackers.

Maybe a very young Seth Green. You’ll have to watch this clip from Tales From the Dark Side to see why that popped in my head. Seth turned out to be a normal looking guy but back in the day I remember him having one mega tooth. He could definitely open a few cans of Juicy Juice concentrate, I tell you. If it wasn’t for that whole time/space theory he may be a suspect into the matching one-tooth bite from my Triscuit. (it’s a good thing I am not a detective by trade)

So, I was left with only one possibility. I crossed my arms, leaned back in the chair and sighed. Why didn’t I think of this before? Looking at the pile of Triscuits I became aware that the culprit had been there the entire time, just staring at me from the kitchen window. They didn’t eat Triscuits, they just liked to mess with me and it worked. I think I may leave the sprinkler on over night. Then we will see who is laughing.

Stupid Gnomes.

Newton Can Freakin’ Hang

I don’t know why things like this happen to me but they do. Maybe they happen to everyone else and maybe I am more apt to share my follies on here but lately I feel like I was born under a bad sign. Most people know that I am a big believer in karma almost to the extreme that killing a spider is tough for me. In the back of my mind there maybe a chance that in the next life I will be a spider. I know that sounds crazy but so is my life. I’m a Catholic and we don’t even believe in reincarnation but I am taking no chances. Spiders repulse me so unless one is chewing on my ear I will probably just leave the room and make up the excuse that he will eat all the flies which I hate 1/10000’s of a percent less. But I digress. If it wasn’t for bad luck, I would have no luck at all.

So, I was at the grocery store yesterday picking up a few items for the week. I try not to eat out for every meal but as many know it is almost impossible so my list was short only including breakfast food, coffee, and a few Healthy Choice meals for odd nights. I also had a two liter of Sprite on the list because nothing will make a fresh out of the microwave, 900 degree on the outside, -32 degree on the in side, fettuccine alfredo chicken meal go down easier then to be complimented by lemon and lime. So while carrying six items in my arms, (because getting a cart means the temptation to buy 30 more items) I reached for the three liter Sprite perched on the top shelf when all Hell broke lose.

Maybe this was in God’s plan? Maybe the other five three liters where making a mad dash for an escape? Perhaps Newton was just an asshole? Regardless the reason, five three liters of Sprite seemed to leap from the gated barrier and crash to the floor, 6 feet below. But three of them didn’t bounce. Their hulls were breached and they took off in different directions like missiles. The other two bounced face level causing me to instinctively to drop my items in the hopes to catch the already armed sodas before they too would initiate the launch system. Of course I had eggs that were now scrambled.

This happened in about 2 and a half seconds. In that time most would drop an F-bomb or two. That would be appropriate for this circumstance. I, on the other hand, never have the right word to say. Instead I scream the only thing that pops in my head and it usually is a little more embarrassing than the event itself. Prime example: I slipped and fell in public. Instead of shouting something cool like “shit” or “damn it” I screamed “NOOOOOO!” As if I refused to accept the fact that my feet where parallel to my face.

So while the soda rockets where streaking down the isle, my groceries where in a pile on my new shoes and I was involuntarily drinking Sprite, I shouted the only thing that popped in my head. I yelled in a panicked voice, “GRANDMOTHER!” Grandmother? Who says that? I’ve had a day to digest this and my theory is that I was about to say “mother f*cker” but I was trying to be reserve and my data bank went straight to “grandmother”. That’s my theory.

Well, after the mist cleared there was an eerie quite. The others who had been in the soda and chip isle had bolted from the scene as if to say “not my mess”. I could feel the trickle of Sprite dripping from my chin, the last exhaust of CO2 leave the bottles as soda drained from the cracked tops and that unmistakable warming sensation of pure humiliation as blood rushed to my face. There were only a few options.

  1. Fake a seizure
  2. Get pissed off and mask the embarrassment through blame of someone else
  3. Just run
  4. Suck it up and wait for the poor kid to show up with a mop.

I waited. I collected the half drained soda bottles as the chatter from the neighboring isle began to resume. I could hear their conversations. I couldn’t tell if they were laughing but I did hear some mention of “grandmother”. I assume I am being talked about right now around at least four office water coolers.

Soon the mop and bucket arrived and the kid assured me he had it under control. I held my breath and did the walk of shame to the check out isle and explained the incident to the cashier and she told me it was alright. I left quickly and sat in my new car all sticky. Feeling mission unaccomplished, I went home and showered trying to laugh the past hour away. It wasn’t as funny as I had hoped but I am sure one day it will be. For now though, screw three liters, screw Publix and screw Sprite. I’m now a Fresca man.

Death Of A Snowman

 I think there is nothing sadder than a snowman in Georgia. Okay, there are things that are far sadder but really when it snows in Atlanta, people feel compelled to erect a homosapian in frozen precipitation as soon as possible. Even if it is full of dirt, pine needles and grass.

Yesterday I took a drive around the block and paid my respects to the final stage of life these snowmen where in since last Saturday’s snow storm. To be honest, I was surprised to see them last this long. I guess the thrill is gone for the kids who made them and you will see why. *warning* If you are sensitive to snow people you may not want to continue reading.

This guy doesn’t look too worse for ware but as you can see he is in a sea of brown Bermuda grass which is a certain sign this guy is circling the drain. I apologize for the blur but it was a drive by shot. I figure the poor bastard has another day and a half.

Oh God, what happened here? To the untrained eye it looks like someone dropped their scarf in a pile of snow but upon closer inspection we clearly see the guy is face-down and ass-up.  Maybe his base was to weak or maybe his will to live was too weak but what ever the reason, I think that scarf needs to go to the cleaners. Moving on….

Here we have a full torso snowman that is still recognizable. With one orange left in the eye socket and a carrot nose till in place it looks like he isn’t giving up the ghost without a fight.  But who is he fooling? Out of frame I saw two rabbits patiently waiting for his nose and if I know rabbits, their patience wains easy. This guy better give his soul to Jesus because his ass belongs to Roger.

Oh goodness. It looks as if this guy threw himself from a tree sometime in the night but if you look close you can make out bicycle tracks in the guts. I’m no detective but if I was, I would call it homicide. This guy didn’t have a chance. At least he escaped the inevitable unlike this poor family you are about to see. Weak stomachs may need to turn your head away from the keyboard.

ACK! I don’t even know what to say here! I have seen better cases of smallpox. It’s tough enough to see solo snowmen succumb to the drastic fluctuations the weather in Atlanta can have, but a whole family? I couldn’t stand to see the children suffer, so like any Christian I took nature into my own hands. I put the car in park, walked to the snow family in despair and put them out of misery with my bare hands and shoed feet. I apologize that God had brought them into this cruel world and soon they would be in peace. Yelling and striking with completely improvised karate moves there was nothing left but snow, pine needles and articles of clothing.

The children who brought this dying family into the world last Saturday could only stand and watch in horror. After I was finished I gathered the hats and scarves from the mound of dead snow people. My hands and feet still covered in snowy guts, I walked up to the kids and gave them back the clothing as something to remember them by. I said, “you are not God, but at least we can have satisfaction that they are free from their misery. They are free…”

I returned to my car after I stomped off the remaining snow from my shoes. Even though there kid’s mother was screaming, “I’ve already called the police”, I know in my stomach what had to be done. As I drove away I stopped next to the kids, still holding the hats and scarves, still mouths agape and teary eyed. I said, “I hope you kids know that playing God comes with great responsibility.  Never forget that.”

Somethings I Just Won’t Do: Part Deux

Here is a continuation of my “no way, no how” list. I can’t believe I am actually keeping my commitment from part one. It took a few days to think of these but I finally have enough to complete the list. I guess that is a good thing when you need a few days to think about what you would never do. Or is that bad?

I will never turn the car off when this song is on. I have sat in the car for collectively a quarter of my life when my destination arrives before a good song is over. Call me crazy but I am superstitious enough to know that nothing but bad luck results in ending a great song before the final note. Here is my list. If you ever see me in the parking lot for more than ten minutes you can be sure that one of these songs is being blasted.

  • The Cure- “Just Like Heaven” (because I think of Kristiane)
  • Led Zeppelin- “Going To California”
  • The Police- “De Do Do Do De Da Da Da”
  • Metallica- Anything from Kill ’em All or Ride The Lightning (the rest can hang)
  • Megadeth- “Holy War” (even hard to air guitar to)
  • Queen- “Bohemian Rapsody
  • Styx- “Mr. Roboto” (white guy has to do the robot sometime)
  • Slipknot- “Before I forget”
  • Highwaymen- “Poncho and Lefty”
  • The Jam- “That’s Entertainment”
  • Motorhead- “Iron Fist”
  • The Darkness- anything

Get a haircut at a salon. I said it once and I’ll say it again; guys get haircuts at barber shops! I haven’t done this but my dad has and it was fucking hilarious. He went to a real barber to get it fixed and the barber said “who ever cut your hair last should be making shoes.” Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Use the “N” word. This is more of a serious one. I met a gentleman who lived in Mississippi during the civil rights era. His name was King and he was probably one of the wisest men I have ever met. As a black man during that time he was subjected to the worst kind of discrimination, humiliation and every day was a struggle just to keep his head up. He told me he could never understand why he couldn’t drink from the same water fountain but he was allowed to make food for the people who made those ridicules rules. He couldn’t walk in the front door but he could answer the door when people knocked. Discrimination makes no sense and people who say that word for what ever reason, whether ignorance or because some how it has been a word that is only to be used by one race, all I have to say is this: You really don’t get it, do you?

Kiss a snake. There’s no need for an explanation for this.

I think that maybe it. I mean besides the obvious like get a prostitute or lick a car battery. I believe that life is an experience and it is not meant to be saved but rather spent. Break the bonds that hold you down and for Pete’s sake go do something nuts! Tell the man I made you do it. I can take an ass chewing pretty well.

Some Things I Just Won’t Do: Part 1

I consider myself to be a pretty liberal kind of guy. I will try anything once as long as I am 60% sure I will not die and 100% sure it will not hurt others. This summer my buddy and I are planning a trip to run with the bulls in Spain so really there isn’t much I won’t do. I’ve even eaten sushi in Augusta, Georgia for crying out loud! But like anything else there are exceptions and there are some things in life I will never do. Here’s my list.

Hang out at a nursing home. I think my folks can rest assured that their elderly years will be safe from being tucked away in an old person home. Nothing gives me the willies ore than the sounds of dementia and smell of pee. My grandfather spent his last year in an elderly home because my grandmother could not give him the intensive care he needed and every trip there gave me resolve to do well enough in life so my parents would not suffer the same fate. We have to do better for our aging population. I’ll never go back to one of those again and it starts by taking care of my own family.

Lead The National Anthem. I love this country and I love our anthem but I will be the first to admit I don’t know all the words on command. I think it would be less patriotic to have a catastrophic meltdown at Turner Field rather than politely say “fuck that, man!” when asked to sing it. Just listen to this dude!

Go on Jeopardy. Do you really want to advertise to the world in 30 minutes that you are retarded? I don’t. I think Alex Tribeck would probably say something like this: “For the first time in Jeopardy history we have someone on contestant row that actually owes the show money. Bill from Atlanta….will that be cash or check?”

Sing or Dance at a half time show. No fucking way! I know this kind of ties in withe the National Anthem but it I felt that this deserved it’s own line. Can you imagine being force to sing and dance with a group of “touched” kids at an German soccer game? I have and even had a nightmare about it. Pay attention to the kid in the white shirt. He’s gots the moves, mang!

Window Washing. I don’t know why but for some strange reason I can look down from heights but I get total vertigo when I look up. I remember working in an office building that was 25 stories and when I was going in I noticed hanging ropes dangling next to the entrance. I followed the ropes with my eyes all the way to see two guys suspended over 300 feet and before I knew it I feel on my butt. How embarrassing! One lady screamed, ” I think he’s seizing!” Nope, just a tool, ma’am. Just a tool.

There are a few more but I will have to think of them. These are just the ones that are on my all time “no way” list. No amount of money can buy your dignity and no amount of booze will make you forget so I am a true believer that every person should have their limitations. Stay tuned for part duex! Is that how you spell that?

Oh yeah, what are yours?

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