Month: November 2007

Almost 30

Here I am, at the twilight of my 20’s. Within a few months I will be thirty and I am not taking this as well as I predicted at 25. I guess there is a realization that no longer will it be acceptable to drink 10 beers, stand on my bar stool yelling, “I AM A GOLDEN GOD!” I can no longer show up at the office and have my Cheap Trick t-shirt show through my white Brooks Bro. shirt. And soon I will need to break the habit of getting up early, making the hung over stroll to the bathroom and getting into the shower only to find out I still have my socks on. Hrm… but who am I kidding? I will probably be doing all of these things well past retirement. There are, however, a lot of tell tale signs that I am getting older which I can not help. Let me count the ways…

Drinking tea doesn’t define one as “older”. My English chum in grade school drank tea while I downed Kool-Aid after countless hours building Lego towns. That is why I never associated tea with age or being refine. Now that I am older I have to have a cup before I retire for the night. It’s more of a sleep aid and something to sip while catching the end of a hockey game but one thing is for sure, I need it.

A month ago I was visiting my Dad and I noticed he only had Earl Grey which has a considerable amount of caffeine in it. Knowing that there is a good chance of tossing and turning later that night I decided to go to the store and get my tea with the sleepy bear on it. Before I left I yelled upstairs to my father, “Dad, I’m going to make a tea run, you want anything?”

“Tea-run?” When did beer-run turn into tea-run?

As I was driving to the store I really began to ponder at what time in my life did tea replace beer? I shrugged it off but that was the beginning of me becoming acutely aware to the fact that I am or have grown up. I bought the tea, bananas, 1/2 a gallon of milk, sour apple Bubble Yum and the DVD, Cheech and Chong’s Up In Smoke for $5.99. Take that maturity.

I really spend less and less time in front of the boob-tube but in comparison with normal people it is still a considerable amount of time. I can’t help the fact that I like TV because really, I was raised on it. The shows, however, have changed and now I find myself flipping through the channels with extreme prejudice because the last thing I want to have happen to me in my own house is feel bad, become ignorant and have sexual innuendo and political crap forced down my throat. I can do that on my own, thank you very much. Here is a list of some of the changes in TV watching I have made for no other reason than the fact I am getting older.

  • Family Guy- I don’t know if it is me or that the writers are really reaching for material lately but I can barely last fifteen minutes into an episode without changing the channel. I guess it is because of the condescending tone of the program. It’s very partisan and they hide behind the cleverness of random flashes that rip on obscure 80’s sitcoms and pop culture. So all in all, the show has about 10 minutes worth of material and if you are don’t vote democrat than you are an idiot. Got it. Now I’m bored.
  • South Park- Loved it in 1997 and love it now. This show gets better every time I see it and you know why? Because no one is safe. They attack everyone and the episode that used anthropomorphic hilarity on Oprah’s vagina literally made me hug the TV. I bet she never imagined that her vagina to be in a parity of Al Pacino’s , Dog Day Afternoon. It’s a smart program and for that and that alone, I appreciate it.
  • MTV- I blame 9/11 on MTV because even I hate America after watching just a little bit of that crap. And that is coming from a guy who recites the Pledge Of Allegiance every time he brushes his teeth.
  • Little People Big World- Love the show, love the people and little people who play soccer is still funny. But I don’t feel bad for laughing because that show makes me appreciate all people no matter what because I think diversity is grand. I wish I had a little person as a friend.
  • The news- I watch Fox in the morning, CNN Headline on XM on the way to work and come home and watch PBS McNeil Lehrer News Hour at night. Why? Because I am old enough not to trust anything the media says and I need to take the average of three sources. Fox for the right, CNN for the left and PBS for the way the world outside the US sees it.
  • Golf- Holy shit I am getting older. I like to watch golf on TV and this is strange because I hate to play it. I think it is because of the last two times I was out with my Dad we had some complications. The first one was when my Mom became angry that someone the group behind us accidentally hit into us. I must say that his drive cleared 300+ yards and was pretty amazing so i didn’t think much of it. Mom, on the other hand, walked up to his ball and made an equally incredible hit right back at him. This breach in golf etiquette led to a quick gallop off the course and into the car. The second one I’ll save for another blog. It will have me, Dad, a fat guy in boxers, dented french doors, a nine iron and cops. All leading up to me swearing off golf forever.

That was really off topic and a little bit of a tangent. Sorry about that.


I pick fat free or reduces fat over anything regular at the grocery store. I don’t know when I started doing this but if it says it’s lower in cholesterol I will probably pick it over something that says “yummy” or “taste-plosion”. Am i concerned over my weight or blood pressure? Not really but I think we all have this built in health alarm that kicks in when our metabolism slows. Much like how babies instinctively know not to breath underwater, guys at 29 know that Cheetoes are acceptable only when baked. And also we stop wiping the cheese powder on the non exposed side of the couch.

Many of my friends have kids going to school now and that freaks me out. I can handle my buddies getting married, buying a house and even having a baby. However, the thought of my drinking buddies helping their offspring with homework while the biggest concern in my day is whether I want to have take out or just grab a salad and beer at Wild Wings freaks me out. Why it freaks me out is because I am a little jealous. But first thing is first and I should start with a dog. If i don’t over feed him and the neighborhood dogs don’t pick on him then I’ll move on to a kid.

Well, I need to get ready for another business trip. This has been a pretty lame post so I apologize. I will go to 30 with dignity but for now I am go to enjoy my twenties the best way I know how. Beer, boobs and blogs.

13

Rock, Flag and Eagle

( September 12, 2001 – Bosnia )

So Veterans Day has come and gone and if it wasn’t for my channel surfing I probably would have been none the wiser. The irony is that I served six years in the Army with two combat tours and one NATO tour, so while technically I am a vet, I just don’t feel like one. To me a veteran is a lot older and wiser. They are the fathers and grandfathers who have seen Hell but you would never know it by meeting them. They are the backbone of America and I just don’t feel that I am someone who can or should fill those shoes. My service isn’t something I like to talk about because I have lost some friends in both Afghanistan and Iraq. I have also had friends come back severely injured. This alone will keep me from boasting vet status so to me, these guys are the vets and really they are my heroes. Thanks Chris, Steven, Chuckle, Dwayne, Brian, Tee Dum, SSG Lynn and B. Berserk. You are never forgotten. That’s all I have to say about that.

So, just like how I deal with everything and the constant running theme of VeggieMacabre, here’s a little humor to lighten to mood.

7

Neurosonic In Augusta

What a weekend I had! Actually what a Friday I had. Saturday was spent working, nursing a hangover, and Christmas shopping via Amazon dot com. Even in flannel PJs, sitting on the couch drinking Earl Grey, I can still spend a few hundred bucks. Ah, but what are you going to do? The original Grinch was on TBS and that always gets me in the Christmas spirit.

So Friday. I really wasn’t planning on going out but you know how it goes. My buddy text me with two words that changed the course of my evening; “Beer and Rock Show?” If you ever want anything from me you can dangle those two words in front of me and I will do your bidding.

“Bill, I want you to eat the neighbor’s cat.”

“What? Get the fuck out of here! No way!”

“Beer and rock show?”

“Get me some Frank’s Red Hot sauce and I’ll fire up the Weber grill.”

So I went to MelloMushroom to meet my buddy and pre-drink a few beers when two guys sat down next to me that literally oozed hard rock. From the sleeve tattoos to the jet black hair, I knew these guys had to be playing the same venue I was going to. Just like the jackass I am, I couldn’t let these guys order a drink before I asked the typical idiotic question, “Are you guys in a band?” Luckily for me they didn’t give me the middle finger to the forehead and politely responded with a yes. Turns out they are Jason Darr and Jacen Ekstrom from the infamous Canadian band Neurosonic. Now I’m permanently stuck in The Clash era of punk/rock so I felt a little guilty when they were firing out certain bands that I had no idea of but I am not so out of the loop when they told me about being on tour with Korn and The Deftones with The Family Values Tour. That one I did know. I didn’t want to chew their ear off while they had dinner with the two hundred questions but they were cool enough to chat and really it ended up being just a few dudes talking about rock and roll.

This picture is a little grainy but you get the idea. They were cool enough to shoot the shit and take a picture so now onto the show! Actually I stuck around Mello for a few more brews and then went. I want to be as accurate as possible because as the night progresses, things get a little fogged.

Holy shit. Right when I got to The Mission (the venue Neurosonic played) I turned the corner and I immediately recognized on of the guys on the tour. It was Brian from X-Entertainment. If anyone knows me they know I am a regular to the X-E blog and one of my favorite things to do is read other people’s profiles to see what is going on in their lives. I guess I pay attention to that because in order for people to comment on X-E, they have to have something in common with me. With that said, I went right up to him and said, “Are you Brian?” There was a little awkwardness when he said, “Yeah?” Then I explained I was Bill from X-Entertainment and everything was copacetic. For what ever reason, he was apart of the X-E family and I felt compelled to make sure he was taken care of so I went out and got him dinner. Hey, when you are in my neck of the woods I’ll at least get you dinner. It’s a southern thing I suppose.

Well, soon Neurosonic took the stage and I will say they kicked ass. No, that’s an understatement. They were shockingly good. Kind of like jumping up on a bar-stool naked only to accidentally sit on your balls. No, that’s never happened to me! I just think that would be surprising. But seriously, these guys are unbelievable and they are going to be unstoppable in the next few years. I was really lucky to meet them and even after the show I had the pleasure of hanging out with them again. Here’s a little taste of their talent.

I’m not going to go in too much detail about the performance because I am writing an article for an online magazine I sometimes contribute to. I’ll post the link when it is published. It usually takes a couple of months to get submitted, edited and published but one of the editors shot me a call and she promised to have it in the December issue for the year in review. I hope it does Neurosonic proud. They deserve it.

Well, soon I had to get going because I know when it is time to say when. Actually the girlfriend called and I had to meet her up at another bar. So I made my way out after saying my goodbyes and went to go to hang with her. I could tell the beers were kicking in because before I left the bartender ran after me and gave me my sweater that I had left behind the bar. I forgot I had ask to keep it back there. Another sign was the fact I took this picture of a McNugget on the wine shelf of the bar.

I was able to hang in there for another hour or so before my thoughts drifted to a warm bed, Nick@Nite, and old pizza. I was ready to hit the hay so I said a second round of goodbyes and the girlfriend and I went to get into the car.

So I forgot where I parked the car. This was the only crap part of the night and it was a little embarrassing to walk up and down the street hitting the automatic car lock waiting for a familiar beep. Long story short I found it. Pride was dented but the car was found so everything was once again right with the world. What a night.

Oh yeah. It’s Veterans Day so as a vet I wish all the other ones a happy day and thank you. Rangers Lead The Way!

4

MBA Online Blues

This is what I am on the verge of doing right now. I have been “in class” for nearly two hours. I guess I am lucky to be “in class” in the comfort of my living room but believe it or not, I wish I was in a real classroom. Why? Well, for one I wouldn’t be writing this right now and two, Villanova grad school is hard and the distance make simple concepts more complex. Take a look at my class room.

There is the class roster on top, the question box below, the professor’s voice light thingy is on the bottom and the power point shit is on the main right side. I wonder if, someday, all classes in college will be like this? I hope not because the chance of getting a real good grasp of a topic is really dependent on how quick one learns by listening. The train moves pretty fast and I’m a slow hobo. But then again, if this was a real classroom I couldn’t do this.

5

Turn Two Days Into Two Weeks

Sometimes I think I take things to the extreme. I have had the past two days off and I have purposefully stayed away from the computer, the TV and any form of technology. Dedicated to making these days as long and dull as possible I have read an entire desk reference, Lewis Third Edition Project Management and the feel good management style book, This Is Your Ship by Captain Abrashoff. To be honest with you I really wanted to to see what would happen if I ever became responsible and worst yet, sophisticated.

So Tuesday began at 5am with a cold shower to get the blood flowing. I remember my Grandfather swearing by the rejuvenating effect it had on him each morning. Makes you wonder why he died of a heart attack, huh? I think I screamed a little and while toweling off I couldn’t help but hum Tommy Petty’s, “American Girl”. I think it was because of the Buffalo Bill “tuck” scene from Silence Of The Lambs. I’ll let you figure that one out.

(In case you are wondering, this is what came up when I searched for an image of a”cold shower”. I couldn’t pass it up.)

After the shower I had breakfast which consisted of a sunny side up egg, plain toast and black coffee. As I ate I read the Wall Street Journal to the occasional sound of the percolating puff of the coffee pot. It almost made me crack and turn on the TV, even if it was to the sound of Dora the Explorer. Six a.m. and I was already going mad.

So there I was, about to start my day of enlightenment without the aid of instant information. Sitting at my desk I opened The Desk Reference of Project Management to page 1 out of 552. And there I sat for the next six hours reading with highlighter in hand. I made it all the way to page 10 when these sort of things started popping in my head.

“Does anyone eat inside a McDonald’s anymore?” – Seriously. I try not to eat fast food but sometimes on road trips the only thing to eat for miles is a double cheeseburger. But I always go through the drivethru unless I need to use the restroom but even then I get back in the car only to swing through the drivethru. Actually the last time I was eating in a McDonalds it was for a birthday party and my buddy urinated in the shoe bin of the playground. That didn’t go over well and there were a lot of barefoot kids walking to their minivans. Like I said it was many years ago and I imagine the only people who “dine” inside are 80 year olds who order the fish sandwich with a cup of Sanka.

“Am I too old to sign up for karate?” – Lately I have felt the need to walk around as a registered weapon but not for the purposes of throwing people through windows or kicking someone multiple times with one jump, but rather to wear the uniform. I saw this guy in Kroger a few weeks ago who was clearly over fifty but he was in his karate get-up and had a purple belt on. Now I know little about martial arts but I am pretty sure he only started a few years ago if he was only to purple. That inspired me to think about finding a dojo but I am worried I will be the only 29 year old among thirty 10 year old white belts. Then after class I would meet them out for ice cream in our uniforms and sneakers. Yeah, I don’t think so.

” If my life was on the line or for one million dollars, could I will myself into being a proficient roller skater?” – It’s no question to anyone that I can’t roller skate. I never had the desire to do so and even in middle school I scoffed at the idea. But if someone was pointing a rifle at me and told me to skate, I bet I could force myself into being a pretty decent skater. I am not talking about triple spin jumps or anything but I think I could do a few rounds around the rink without a catastrophic fall on the hip.

This guy isn't me but I wish it was

Well, before I knew it I was making skating motions with my feet, it was three hours later and I was up to page 125. I had no idea what I read but I was 125 pages ahead of where I started. So to make this long day shorter for those who are reading this, I finished the entire desk reference. All I needed to do was focus with the aid of reading allowed, walking in circles and making up songs to the theme of cost reduction metrics and work management scope plans. Before I knew it, the day was over and I retired to bed and had sweet dreams of everything boring.

I got up the next day to another cold shower, bland breakfast and preceded to read another book. This one was a little better but still not something to keep you on the edge of your seat. It was about how a captain in the Navy inspired his crap crew to be the best in the service and how he did it. Yadda, yadda, yadda….take your $70,000 annual Navy salary, think outside of the box, impress people who think inside the box, sign a million dollar book deal on how you did it, travel around to be a keynote speaker for the rest of your life. Got it.

After all that I have managed to make my two days off seem like two weeks. That’s the secret to elongating a vacation. I guess that is why the elderly drive 35 miles per hour on the freeway, watch CSPAN and Home Shopping, eat at 4pm and read nine newspapers a day. I have cracked their code. Just two days seemed like two weeks so I imagine retirement must seem like a second life.

To wrap up the two days I picked up Chinese food, turned on the tube to South Park, checked the email, felt flattered by the kind compliments from the last blog I wrote and read everyone else’s blogs. I must say that everyone on my blogroll is more talented than the people who wrote the two books I finished. It was very apparent. I’m lucky to have blog buddies that are so talented.

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