I took a little break from the blogging world this past Holiday weekend. For one reason I wanted to detatch myself from the computer long enough to speak to my family without using cyber lingo. The other is I voluteered for Atlanta’s Open Hand and on Wednesday and Thanksgiving morning I helped prepare meals for people who have been strickened with a terminal illness and are spending the last months in private away from the hospital. I quess I’m a bleeding heart because I couldn’t find anything to write about after that expirience. But it did change me a little and now I think my Saturday mornings will be spent doing the same. I’ll write about it in the next blog.
I really want to talk about last Friday morning and how I braved the “Black Friday” shopping madness. For years I laughed at the poor souls who subject themselves to long lines, parking frustrations and rude people only to save a little money in exchange for their sanity. Well, the joke was on me and I was forced to spend a few hours in shopping Hell and the entire time I made a mental list of what I would rather do or be strickened with than be there. Here it is in no particular order.
- Only able to knock on doors with my face
- Get in a spitball war with Rosie O’Donald
- Drink a cup of laxetives and get interviewed on the Larry King Live show
- Pass out in public and get sexually ravaged by a toy poodle
- Legally have my name changed to Pumpy
- Take a back road mountain drive in a 67′ beetle, no AC and drink luke warm milk as a passenger.
- Forced to only dress in Hip Hop apparel.
- Eat 5 microwavable sausages, look on the back of the box and find out it is a proud sponser on the 1996 Olympics.
- Have to “shot gun” all canned drinks.
- Can only brush teeth with small rodents. (The good ones, ie. hamsters or gerbils)
- Have the same name as someone on the terrorist watch list.
- Have a quantum leap only to find out that I am the hot dog eating champion on race day.
- Find out Santa isn’t real.
- Take political advice from anyone in Hollywood
- Get into a serious conversation with someone who has a bad stuttering problem and try not to crack a smile.
- Actually work retail on Black Friday.
- Only watch the Hallmark channel, Lifetime and Women’s Entertainment forever.
- Spend a weekend trapped in a walk-in closet with Steve-O from Jackass.
- Streak at an Iranian soccer game
- Eat cereal out of the box and half way through feel something furry.
Now I am serious about that list. From now on I will only shop online and if you do too, please use X-Entertainment’s Amazon link so Matt can afford his annual Advent calender. If you are unfamiliar take some time to read it starting in 2002. It is quite possibly the funniest and most creative thing I have ever read and it wouldn’t be Christmas without it.
Your philanthropy is one reason why I’m such a fan of yours…your brilliant writing is the other.
“# Eat 5 microwavable sausages, look on the back of the box and find out it is a proud sponser on the 1996 Olympics”.
I rest my case,
LK, you make my head big. That didn’t come out right.
Oh yes it did….you see, I “speak” Billy.
Your #1 fan..and not in a Misery kind of way, either
Rosie O’ Donald? I am going to try to forget I read that.
is hip hop apparel as you call it, that bad?
Some of the things you wrote on your list there reminds me of ANT’s Banana Nana bread story LOL!!
I watch him daily, wait for the story it’ll be worth it. Btw Richard is his bf.
Oh Jodi, I’m not ripping on Rosie. Just having fun.
Hip Hop apparel would look pretty funny on me. Others can pull it off.
“Legally have my name changed to Pumpy ”
That and feeling something furry in the cereal box made me laugh out loud this morning! You’re too much!
What, in the name of all that is holy, could you possibly need bad enough that you would brave the madness?!
I’m glad you specified which furry rodents you’d be willing to brush your teeth with…(only the “good” ones). Heaven forbid you should brush your teeth with a rodent not on the approved list! That’s hilarious.
I hope waiting in those long lines was worth it to you. I feel rewarded by your list alone…ah, ’tis the season!
I did it. We went later in the day, after Noon, and it wasn’t so bad.
Sometimes you need a good dose of human innundation to remember who you are and why you do the things you do-
i.e. the reason you shower is becuase you don’t want to smell like the guy you passed in the Anime Porn section in Best Buy.
I did in fact work Black Friday, however I am lucky enough that I get paid based on how busy I am. So, what are the bad rodents?
And kudos for linking XE. Only 5 more days until Mare’s return!
I think the “bad ones” are rats and mean mice. I don’t want to brush my teeth and get bit on the tongue. Man, I’ve really taken this too far, huh?