I am about to enter into a week of work-hell so before I checkout starting Sunday through next Saturday, I thought I might link you to some past Thanksgiving-Holiday-Christmas posts from years past. It’s a cheap filler but if you have not read them, here is chance to grow your heart three sizes and decorate the dog.
Click the images to be whisked away to magical holiday…just click the images.
A couple of years ago I wrote 1100 words describing a one minute McDonald’s commercial from 1987. Back before the war against McDonald’s, kids had a special love for the restaurant. Every holiday season, these types of commercials left an indelible impression on us. I still remember most of them, mentally linking the airing to certain CBS holiday programming like Garfield’s Christmas or How the Grinch Stole Christmas. It was a simple time with simple pleasures like tearing up to Hardnose Mrs. Hatcher and her third grade class.
Oh my gorsh, the Muppet Family Christmas is my favorite holiday special. It’s the king and if you have never seen it, I weep for you. Jim Henson goes full nuclear on us by bringing together the Muppets, Sesame Street and Fraggle Rock under one roof for a Christmas never to be equaled again. We even get a little cameo from the master himself and if you have a dry eye, you have no soul.
Back before I knew the magic of Black Friday, I created a list of things I would rather do than subject myself to the herd of crazy bargain shoppers. Then, last year, the girl I was dating at the time introduced me to alcohol while shopping and I finally got it. Look for me at Target come 12:01am this coming Black Friday. I’ll be wearing something stupid and drinking a Big Gulp cup full of margarita.
Years ago I was in a bidding war on eBay for an ugly Christmas sweater. When the price got to $200 I backed out and lost the bid. Thank God because then I would have never had the motivation to create this monstrosity. AND, get “pinned” on Pintrest over 300,000 times. Sometimes fame comes in weird forms.
Hey, did you know certain European countries believed St. Nick had a demon sidekick that would kill and rape the bad kids? Yeah, it’s not bad enough to be screwed out of gifts because you didn’t finish your peas but get violated and killed by Krampus? Damn Christmas, you scary.
So there you go.
There it is! The canvas for my Christmas expression! And it was only $6 so I can’t feel too bad if I butcher it with gaudy crap. It’s not like I went to the mall and picked up a Kashmir sweater. I just pray that no one died in it.
Yes. I went to Hancock Fabrics. Wanna fight about it? Ok, well I decided that on the back of the sweater I needed a reindeer’s ass. This was not on the said lost sweater. This is my invention. So you can see the antlers that I cut off a novelty headband and fabric to cut out the body from. I am the type of person that will always get the carpenter’s rule of thumb, “measure twice, cut once”, backwards. I just jumped in with a permanent marker and scissors and went to town.
Reindeer are males, right? It’s hard to imagine Donner and Blitzen as girls and if I am not mistaken, wasn’t Donner Rudolf’s father? Did I just make all that up? Oh well, he needs testicles so there will be no confusion. Christmas balls!
You can’t buy shit like this, folks! Seriously, where would you find this? Now for the front. This is where I have “borrowed” the idea from eBay. But that was sewn and I am gluing. I feel confident that the glue will hold because Billy May’s said it would. He has an outside voice.
Isn’t he cute? Well don’t get too attached because his head is coming off and I am gluing it to my sweater.
It’s kind of funny but Kootanee actually watches TV. About a second after I took the picture above a bear came on the television and Kootanee ran into the bathroom and it took me about a half an hour to get him to come out. Poor guy. I gave him the headless bodies.
Now that I safely decapped the snowmen it is now time for gluing. But first I had to measure the position they were to be in. This takes both precision and a degree of shamelessness. You’ll see why.
I have no shame. Who do I think I am? My Mom would be so disappointed in me. I apologize, I really do. Me and my naked feet.
As you can see I am going for the Madonna style with the carrot noses. They are not as big as I would like but they’ll do. Why should I complain, though? I have bigger issues like the fact am a 30 year old guy making a Christmas sweater.
I’m not going to lie to you, I am pretty proud of the way this turned out. Making crafts has never been my bag. I went on a date a long time ago to paint pottery and drink wine. It’s a quirky Atlanta thing. Anyway, I finished it, brought it home and it leaked. True, I didn’t make the bowl, but that was a sign that all things creative should not come from my kidneys. (points to forehead)
And it fits! That’s really all that matters anyway, right? Happy Holidays.
Casserole of Disaster 