Here Comes The Meat Wagon!

It has been nearly a week since my last post and it has felt like a month. I swear this January has been the longest span of time since the time I watched Valentines Day. So much has happened and yet it feels like time has slowed somehow. I thought that being busy meant time goes fast? The other day at work I think I witnessed a glitch in the matrix and saw the same person leave their cubical twice without going back. But really I think it’s the cold meds because some jacka-douche gave me a cold. Can January suck any harder? Wait…retract that. It’s not February yet. January can still be a dick.

I have no idea what to write about besides maybe doing a review of one of my favorite Creep Show movie chapters that will always go down as a lesson that hitting a hitchhiker and not reporting it may come back to bite you in the end. Or maybe not to hitchhike. Perhaps don’t cheat on your husband? Maybe , you should buy a Mercedes because they can take a beating. I don’t know, but if you’re going to Dover, then you should probably fly.

Just like how every Creep Show movie installment begins, we start with a comic picture turned to real-life and we soon learn that a couple is just waking after what seemed to be like quite an episode of adult paddy cake to learn that the digital alarm clock is blinking 12:00 and that could only mean that the power is out. No big deal to most but we soon learn the lady had PAID for sex with a young banker/jiggalo and she needed to be home at 11:30 on the dot or Hell of Gozarian would come down on her from her husband.

We see they are negotiating price which is a weird turn of the tables to such a negotiation of goods. Apparently six orgasms are worth $150. (Is this true?) And he is well on his way to his own new Mercedes if he keeps preforming.

One can’t help to notice over the right shoulder of male whore #1 or what my species calls “the fucking man” is a copy of a Stephen King novel. Way to be subtle Mr. King. What is next? A cameo of you doing some sort of blue collar job? I am sure you will think of something that will cause the director to want to hit his dick into a an angry humming bird nest.

Well, $150 bucks passed and the lady is on the road to drive twenty miles in seven minutes. She talks to herself. A lot. She jokes about the excuses she will come up with and even rationalized that $150 for six orgasms is a heck of a deal and her husband would absolutely agree, economically, she was wiser for it. She gets her story straight but an allusive cigarette flips from her fingers and she looses control of her car. Seems plausible, especially when this guy is in the way…

Juke left!!! Too late. This poor guy was hitching to Dover but instead ended up a Mercedes bumper trophy and in all honesty, his positioning kind of deserved it. Who hitches on a blind curve?

'The quarterback IS toast!"

Daaaaaaamn…there goes you’re accident forgiveness policy with Allstate. This might be hard to explain. Unless you say fuck it and take off.

Und she did.

Remember when I asked when a cameo with Stephen King would show up? Here he is and boy he looked as stupid as his original character in the first Creep Show when he turned into a stereo-voiced grass creature. (never put your fingers in your mouth) This time he is a truck driver that happens upon the remains of what the lady did to the Dover-bound hitch-hiker. Stephen makes it a point to say he is a black guy. Truuuuuuuuue.

Meanwhile, the typical bad driver is having a moral dilemma about having left the scene of the crime and debates whether or not to turn herself in. She comes to grips that she killed someone but is worried what will become of her. Rationality sets in and she chalks it up to an accident so why ruin her life too. It totally makes sense. I have had this inner debate when I ran over a squirrel last year.

But after she began to feel a little bit better, she passed a familiar person. (the squirrel didn’t do this) Slamming on the brakes she looked in the review mirrior and much to her shock, the dead guy is still in need of  a ride to Dover. Fudge.

“Thanks for the ride, lady!” Now this is the kind of dude that rubs me the wrong way. It’s one thing to ask and it’s totally different to demand. She did what she had to and rolled up the window, shriek, drive like an asshole and piss her blue leather seats. It is precisely the same thing I would have done.

The funny thing about this whole story is it takes place from the passenger’s side of a 1986 Mercedes and we never even think about it. Had this been any other movie we would have been like, “God, when will she get out of the car and do something?” Here, it’s like Hogan’s Heroes and instead of a Sherman battle tank of WWII we have a German luxury car. Is this irony? I’m confused now.

So, unable to shake the dead “stage five clinger” from her car she decides to DRIVE THROUGH THE WOODS and strip him from the roof. A really good idea in a Range Rover but this might void the warranty on a 86′  Mercedes. Theory. Surprisingly the car does just fine as she maneuvers through dense Maine forrest at night. I know.

The guy really needs this ride! Soon the detour works and the dead Dover-bound fella can’t hold his grip against a thick low hanging tree branch and she finds her way out of the forrest, onto a road where she does a typical horror movie thing.

She stops to collect her thoughts. Anyone who has seen a horror flick knows that when you are being chased by something that should be dead, there has to be time to stop, turn your back on the said thing, and collect yourself. Other wise we wouldn’t have scenes like this:

Jumpin’ Jesus, he will not drop the “need a ride” thing! This time, however, she has a little help from a .38 she has hid in the glovebox and puts a barn door in his chest. Twice. And twice in the head. I am starting to like this lady.

Oh yeah, and she backs up into him, runs him over and then drives back over him just to be sure. Check that, I am starting to love this woman.

It appears that she and her severely mangled Mercedes have gotten the best of the persistent hitch-hiker and she is well on her way to explain to the husband why a tree, blood splatter and a sign to Dover are all crammed in the grill. Her sigh of relief brings more self-discussion as she imagines what the auto repair technical will say. “Just six thousand dollars and it will be just like you drove it off the showroom floor.” But soon this happens. As we predicted.

Come on! Now tell me I am wrong but doesn’t this sound like one of those Scary Stories books Alvin Schwartz wrote with a third-grade climactic ending? “You killed me”? Really? Well, it is to the point although a tad drab. This would have been a prefect time to take this comedy to a new level. He should have held a sign stating “You’re a quart low” or “Is there something in my teeth besides your car?” Ha! Oh, the possibilities.

Loos like it’s time to take this car off road again.

This time she bashes the guy into a tree four times, ending with a knockout blow to herself against the steering wheel as she collapses stating, “that’ll cost you”. I am not sure but after all that road damage this might be the final end to a fine automobile.

Nope! She wakes up and drives the car out of the woods and through the neighborhood, coasting into the garage in worse shape than the Family Truckster.

This was totally a deer. That’s what I would say. As Delia would say, “..a little gasoline, a blowtorch. No problem!”. Her insurance adjuster might disagree though.

Oh what could possibly happen? Could it be a Friday the 13th ending or could it be a Deliverance ending?

How about both! He finally got his ride. Not to Dover though and to be honest, he looks a little beat up from the trip. With an eyeball here and a tongue over there, he crawls out from underneath the car and like a gentleman he thanks her for the ride.

And chokes the shit out of her! We all knew she couldn’t live with hitting this guy. One way or another, she would pay for it. So what is the moral of the story? Is it not to cheat on a spouse? Prostitution is a bad thing? Greed can lead to hard times? Killing someone and then driving away is wrong?


Buy a Mercedes Benz because those things can take a beating and still get you home. With or without a hitch-hiker.

Painting With Satan!

You know I am a sucker for bizarre art. Much to the chagrin of my previous roomies because they had to stare a Dante’s Inferno while brushing their teeth. There is just something so captivating when you see the dreary imagination poured out on canvas as if to say, “that’s what’s in my head“. art_bobross satan

But really, I think there is a special kind of madness in the old school metal album covers and movie posters. I remember them so fondly as a child and by fondly I mean, they terrified me to the core. So many times did I venture into my Dad’s kid brother’s room and stare at his Iron Maiden posters or wander into the horror section of the video rental store only to be tortured later on at night with visions of the Creep of The Creepshow. Who knew I would grow up to be an Maiden fan and watch Nightmare on Elm street like most people watch National Lampoon’s Vacation? These images haunted me but they also intrigued me. After all, what we don’t understand frightens us the most and we, by nature, almost certainly quest to find out more.

The Album Art:


Black Sabbath! This is an album that Mom and Dad probably won’t be buying you for Christmas. No, there is no mistaking this album cover for anything  other than pure evil. Just to bring this into mom’s home meant I was risking a church intervention if caught. It had to be kept at my buddy’s house who’s parents didn’t mind such “racket”. I remember looking at this and almost hearing “join usssss. Join usssss”. I tell you what, I would have loved to be in that meeting when the album art was introduced. I bet the Devil himself was there.


“Put them in the iron maiden.

Iron Maiden? Excellent!

Execute them.


Toning down but not by much we have one of my all time favorite bands and albums. My uncle loved Iron Maiden and I remember Eddie, the mascot shown above manipulating Satan, terrified me to no extent. And in reality he did his job because my Uncle posted him on his door to keep a certain 7 year old out. Man, I wouldn’t even walk down the hall. But we are cool now, he and me.

Cannibal Corpse

Just kidding. Seriously, they are beyond sick when it comes to album art. I don’t know who draws that stuff and I am sure I could look it up but really, it is so gross I don’t want to. But be my guest. This is a family show here. 😉


Mcculley, Lookout behind you! There’s a ….really big…you…there.

I am not a huge fan of Korn but man I remember when this album came out. There is something so creepy about images like this. They are hard to explain and can only be related to a bizarre dream. You know the ones. Like everyone is a female Tim Curry and your fridge is filled with boxes of Stoffer’s Stovetop Stuffing. All you can do is shrug it off and decide not to eat cheese puff before bedtime.

Movie Posters


Fuckin’ shit that is funny! Excuse my language but come on. I have never seen Beeker’s legs before. That warrants a swear or two. In this case two.


The Shining was a good movie. Hardly a scare but more a psycho thriller, Stanely Kubric does a brilliant job of sensory overload with sounds and light. This poster is a fine example of the creepiness Stanley could relay. This is one of my all time favorite poster art because for some reason, it chills me. And I love that.


I think many know my feelings about the trailer to The Creepshowbut the poster also has a resounding affect too. It seemed to be everywhere in the early eighties and it tortured a young puss of a kid like myself. Even today when I see it I am a little nervous not to stare too long. It reminds me of a dead old woman and to me, that is scary. End of story.


Zombie was always in the VHS rental store growing up. I mean, no one ever checked it out! It just sat there on the shelf, looking at me as if to say, “I know you are here to rent Space Camp but before you do, I want you to have nightmares of me all night long”. It is an Italian masterpiece, that  I know today but back then I really hated this video. Little did I know it has a scene where a zombie and a shark actually eat one another. Holy crap!


Jesus Christ! Run!

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