It’s back! Or maybe it’s left over and on its way out? Maybe I went to asleep and fell into a coma and this is a dream about mustard? Maybe this is an alternative reality and mustard is the currency and dogs are our masters? What ever the situation may be, today we are pointing out that RIGHT NOW you can dip your nuggets in the 1983 original, McDonald’s Hot Mustard. This sauce has a lot of lovers and a few years ago when the corporate restaurant giant announced they were pulling the Hot Mustard from the lineup, people flipped.
In fact, there were hundreds of petitions to bring this sauce back. Maybe it was nostalgia because this was one of the four original sauces when McNuggets were introduced? Perhaps McD’s stepped on the balls of the small percentile of consumers who go ape-shit when debates over which Evil Dead is better and have enough time to get upset over mustard? Regardless, McDonald’s had concluded the numbers were not holding in comparison to the others sauces so, in true Burger College fashion, they opted to pull it. Or did they?
Today, the mustard is alive and well or at least at this particular NC restaurant. Google searches are loaded with pleas to bring back Hot Mustard as well as warnings of its impending doom ranging from 2012 all the way to February of this year. However, there is very little fanfare for its revival. That leads one to ask, is it really back or are these Hot Mustards the last remnants of the glory years and when they are gone they are gone forever? Or, did McDonald’s decide to let a few states keep their Hot Mustard to appease the many furious fans of condiments? I’m not a betting man (yes I am) but I suspect the latter is the case.
On another note, WHAT THE FUCK DID THEY DO TO THE HAPPY MEAL BOX? That looks like the last vision you see in bed before an ax falls between your eyes. What were they thinking? It looks like the Olympic mascot should the Summer Olympics come to Iraq! Those murderous eyes scream something evil in backwards latin. I don’t like it and I would prefer it if they brought back the Fry Guys. No one in their right mind can argue with Fry Guys.
I did have the great idea to put the box in the guest bathroom toilet. Now we wait.
Sorry this was a shoddy FLTO blog. I felt I needed to share the news that maybe you too can find Hot Mustard. And if you do, ask for 100. You never know when it will be gone for good.
I have started a new venture that you probably already know about. It’s a holiday countdown like no other and thanks to the help of a sadistic tiny reindeer named Ruprecht, we should have a lot of fun. Or I have gone mad and this is just a symptom of my cognitive disconnect from reality. Either way, it’s all about Christmas so be jolly, by golly.
Ruprecht’s first find is a pretty good one. While I was at work, he ventured out to the local Walgreens and found A Christmas Story themed box of fudge. The joke, of course, is the scene when Ralphie drops the F-bomb on his pop after he loses the nuts and bolts while helping change a tire. Maybe that’s what the walnuts symbolize? Oh those crazy people at the Copper Kettle Candy Factory!
The franchise rights to this movie has made Time Warner and other companies millions and I expect to see Ruprecht wanting to review more silly items from A Christmas Story. Enjoy this stupid video and if his voice annoys you remember, he can hear your thoughts and might be at the foot of your bed tonight.
I can’t get rid of him. Send for help!
Come on, Videopress! I look like a damn idiot again!
Ruprecht is a Reindeer that is sired from Samhain’s loins and born from ill-gotten stock. His means are of the ne’er-do-well purpose and will always plot your demise no matter how bad you want to scratch his cat-like chin. He is a demon who makes Pazuzu look like Odie. He hates you.
I am not sure what the reasoning is but Ruprecht has a special assignment with Veggiemacabre this Christmas and I am pretty sure it’s from a drunken Ouija board night when I asked for Powerball numbers. My lotto picks usually have three sixes in them. Too many Satanic movies have a money driven subplot for me to ignore.
*sigh* He’s a real dick, that Ruprecht, but we are stuck together through the holiday season and it’s our mission to write and make videos of everything Christmas. If I refuse, he just might kill me.
Seriously, did you ever see the movie Tales From the Darkside when the cat jumped down David Johansen’s throat? Yeah, that shit can happen if I look at him wrong. Also, if I forget to remove Mikes from his Mike and Ikes, change the channel in the middle of Judge Judy or fail to include Tyler Perry’s name before any of his movie titles.
So, long story short, Ruprecht and I will be guiding you through this crazy holiday and if your soul is in limbo, he just might collect it. But don’t be scared, I could probably talk you free from a hellish limo with a friendly wager of Go Fish. He sucks at 50/50 wagers.
Beware! You will be visited by a post at the stroke of something-sometime tomorrow. Keep your shit wired tight and remember, keep repeating, this is only a blog…this is only a blog…this is only a blog.
Ho Boy am I going to probably regret posting this one but I love the season so much, I think this video expresses that feeling far more than words can. I was in the moment this past week so I decided instead of three videos I could just cover everything in one. I haven’t really watched it all the way through because I would most likely not post it. So here is to being an idiot!
Enjoy and enjoy the last weekend of October. I am off to Vegas for business so my last week will be weird at best. Make sure to do something spooky!
I love how the freeze frame of Videopress always manages to get me in a worst position. Assholes.
This story is a testament to how much simpler life was back when I was a kid. I had almost completely forgotten about this story until recently when I was talking to Kristen and low and behold, it just popped in there! The brain never ceases to amaze me because this memory has been stored for over twenty years only to randomly fallout like a picture used as a bookmark falling from a Garfield comic. (Because we all have read these in the 80’s) It comes at a good time too because this blog was turning into rubbish with mindless beer reviews and beef jerky. That’s no way to go through life, son.
Saturday nights for a certain period of my life were a special time. For whatever reason, from 7:00 to let’s say 10 or 11:00, my parents hosted a few couples from church for a bible discussion party. Well, I assume that’s what it was though I can’t be sure because my evenings were far better, which you will find out soon. After their bible yap, everyone would mingle and share the desserts each couple brought. I was allowed downstairs for that. Until then I was confined to the parents room with the TV, books of sharks, and whatever else a young seven-year old needed to pass the time. But at 9:00 my attention was devoted to a very special program that sometimes proved to be regretful whether it was later on at night from fears of what lurks under the bed or….well…keep reading.
I didn’t have cable until high school so with five channels (not including PBS because that was like watching school) and four channels on the smaller rotating dial, the selection was limited. But on Saturday nights there was quite the programing on Atlanta 46! The most memorable, of course, was “Tales From the Darkside”. For those not familiar, get out. I kid! I kid! It was a thirty minute program that featured two stories of macabre and strange tales usually starring some middle of the road actor from the time. Not all the shows were great but to a seven-year old, each one was a masterpiece.
One fateful Saturday afternoon my Dad informed me that a couple would be bringing their kids to the bible party and I would have to share my Saturday night of B-rated TV. While I was a little disappointed because as an only child I am a spoiled little dick, I had no say in the matter and began looking for the bright side. I mean, it could be fun.
It wasn’t at all. I knew it the second they arrived as I watched them pull into the driveway. These kids were melvins who brought their own pillows. They brought their own pillows for Christ sake! I sighed and walked limp-armed back to the parents room across the hall, head hung low and waited to hear people walk up the stairs. But instead Mom called for me to greet the un-welcomed guests and walk them to my Saturday sanctuary where no parental guidance was required.
I must have look like a pill giving a limp handshake to…Whats-his-face (let’s call him Jimmy for lack of memory) and his little sister, Rebecca.
Rebecca would be a problem for me.
With their idiotic board games and pillows in hand, we trudged upstairs to ruin my night. I offered to leave them in my room to do their will upon my collection of GI Joe and Legos, but that only appealed to Jimmy; the one kid I thought wouldn’t mind a night of twisted tales of grown up gore. Rebecca was stuck to my side like a rock in tire tread. Looking back as an adult it was pretty cute but to a kid that waited all week to hear the intro to “Tales From The Darkside”, it was an un-welcomed advance and there was no way to give these home schooled kids the slip.
Throughout the evening I tried to be entertaining and cordial. Jimmy wasn’t too bad, partly because he had Castle Greyskull to play house with and could care less about the world around him. Rebecca, however, sat hip-to-hip with me on the floor, eyes fixed on the TV as we watched “Small Wonder” and I nervously counted down the program schedule until “Tales From The Darkside” aired. Only one more “feel-good” show to go!
Dad brought us popcorn and cokes and asked if I was being a good host to which I responded “yeahyeah” without breaking gaze from the TV. He left to rejoin the adults and I could hardly wait because now was the time I had waited for patiently and even though I had to share this moment with these two weirdos, it was happening.
The intro alone distracted Jimmy from battling the forces of Cobra as he joined his sister and me on the floor, soon to witness the macabre and scary tales this glorious show had to offer. And brother, this one was a doozy! It was the first episode and pilot for the show that George Romero himself wrote and produced. The episode was called “Trick or Treat” and had demons, witches, pirate zombies and Satan himself all wrapped into a half an hour. Let’s break it down, shall we?
After the magical introduction we begin the story with a typical Scrooge-like character, Mr. Haggles, played by Bernard Hughes (one of my all time favorite actors). He is having his books balanced by a couple of accountants and we begin to learn what a cheap miser he really is, charging one of them .04 cents for another cup of coffee. But we also learn he has a twisted side too as he scares the two accountants into a bowel evacuation by an animatronic…thing that he uses on children during his favorite “SEASON”, Halloween.
That’s right. Mr. Haggles says what I have always believe and that is Halloween is a season, not a day. Anyway, he goes on to explain how every year he tempts the children in the valley to find the IOU’s of their parents that he holds liens on, hidden somewhere in his house, and if they find them all debt is forgiven. But no one ever has because of the terrifying tricks he has set up around his home.
We see during the afternoon of Halloween the bind he has on the parents as they are so deep in debt to Mr. Haggles that they even have to buy costumes for their children on credit in his general store. He taunts them into sending their children to the Hell house with the chance to have their debts forgiven.
Much like Romero’s style, there is a deep cultural issue hidden behind a cheeky horror story. We see how desperate people in financial distress can be and in some cases, putting their children in harm’s way to get out of their situation. I’m not going as far as saying prostitution but…kind of?
Oh Jimmy, find the IOU’s and get those much need braces or don’t find them and get a beating. The odds aren’t good since Mr. Haggles has a house full of spooky sounds and animatronic ghoulish surprises in store. Jimmy comes close but just couldn’t take the torture of Mr. Haggle’s taunts.
As Jimmy runs out of the house his father picks him up in a nurturing way and walks home defeated. Mr. Haggles laughs at the terrified kid but there is a moment when he has his bubble burst when Mr. Muldoon isn’t angry but rather a caring father. You can almost hear Mr. Haggles sigh a “humbug”. Who is next?
Another potential victim rings his doorbell and from his Wizard of Oz type control room, he looks to see who it is. Another kid? A parent coming to whoop an old man’s ass? Not quite!
In every story when a greedy person meets their fate, there seems to always be this third-party who’s entire being is for punishing the sinner. By far, this is my favorite punishment. He looks into the peephole only to see one of the scariest witches as she cackles a “trick or treat”. He opens the door to shoo away this prankster only to come to the realization that this is a real witch. She flies through the house on her broom and magically finds the hidden IOU’s and blows them in his face. Frantically, Mr. Haggles jumps to catch them all completely overlooking that he HAS A FUCKING WITCH IN HIS DEN and runs through the house shouting “my money!”.
In each room he is met with these type of creatures, who are not animatronic, but real and all over his cash. He is in disbelief that a pirate-zombie is sitting on his check deposits and scurries to salvage the flying cash. Which leads him to….
Ah, Satan himself. The Devil reverses the taunting and repeats “you’re getting warmer” and Mr. Haggles crawls his way down a bright red corridor which is made of what appears to be bubble wrap. While the set design looks to be a mediocre haunted garage that can be found in any suburb on Halloween night, it is a little creepy. Mr. Haggles crawls his way, chasing his blowing cash, to what is perceived to be Hell. Good riddance.
But what about all the poor people who were in debt to Mr. Haggles?
Well, the witch gave it all to Billy. The End.
As we finished this tale of awesome, I came out of my “Tales From The Darkside” trance to the world around me. Only Jimmy was sitting next to me but where was Rebecca? Apparently during the Hell scene she ran from the room and down to the bible study in tears telling her parents that I forced her to watch ‘R’ rated devil shows. Before I could evaluate the situation I heard the familiar sound of my Mom’s fast paced stair climbing gape. There was nowhere to hide. Jimmy looked at me and said, “You’re in a lot of trouble”. Fuck you, Jimmy, you home-schooled melvin.
The credits were still rolling while Mom and her parents breached the door and she yanked me from the floor so fast there was a tiny pop from a sound barrier break. I was escorted to my room by the elbow and Jimmy was taken downstairs to join his traumatized sister and would be given cookies and cake until their parents decided to leave. I cursed them all from my bed having daydreams much like Ralphy from The Christmas Story, thinking how sorry they would be if I was blind or have an affliction that required sympathy. But I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction.
By the next week when bible study came around, the melvins did not join me. I was thankful for this but my Saturday nights had to be spent without TV. But was it worth it?