2009 And The Big Box Condo

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I trust everyone made it to 2010 and the holidays were epic? Good. I want to wish everyone a very Happy New Year and over the past couple of years you guys have been sunshine in a box. I love everything about you guys. Now, onto the year in review how I saw it.

TV!

I think 2009 has led me down some unusual paths when it comes to my recreational TV viewing. To be honest, I really had an open mind and when old ALF episodes were not cutting the mustard I had no choice to cruise the open digital waves of Turner Cable. Here were/are my shows of choice.

Man vs Food has been a must see program every Wednesday and Friday night. I watch this with a sense of awe and amusement as Adam Richman tackles some of the most daunting eating challenges the restaurants of America have to offer. This guy eats wings so hot, they have to be handled with latex gloves and can devour a pizza the size of Oprah’s ass. (she muffin huffs) But the one thing I love is the witty commentary. I would totally help this guy eat the biggest burger or 30 sandwiches. Even if it means yarfing all over the sidewalk on national TV.

Ghost Adventures has taken the slot that I reserved for Ghost Hunters. Partly because this show is far more entertaining and over all creepy. It is that simple. The other part is Zak Bagans is a strange fellow and his seemingly bipolar disposition makes me laugh and there is no better combination than funny-scary. Well, maybe chocolate-peanutbutter. Any way, it is far better to watch than that vagima (spelled it right) Steve on Ghost Hunters. That guy makes me want to air punch until I connect with an innocent bystander.

Desperate Housewives? Yeah. So? I like the show. It is witty and keeps you guessing and I always root for Orson because I like the name. That is all I have to say about that. Are you going to take away man points now? At least I don’t like the show that follows; Brothers and Sisters. Now that is a fucking stool sample. It’s a good thing I don’t own a firearm because the TV would be shot any given Sunday night when Alley McBeall and Sally Fields shared a scene.

MOvies!

This past year has not been too bad for films. I live in a small world that believes just about any movie that comes from Hollywood has to suck because creativity went out the window years ago. There has been, however, a few that I will give a tip of the hat to.

A surprise to say the least. I like Quentin Tarantino movies but at times his “shock” value is a little too much for me. Seeing brains and blood for two hours gets old and pedantic. Especially if you have witnessed it in real life. Quentin doesn’t seem like the type to have ever seen anything real like that before. Where was I going? Ah yeah! So I liked this movie. Especially the “Hangman” Nazi. Not that I like Nazis but his character was chilling. I dig that. The “Bear Jew” played by Eli Roth, however, was a drag. I just think Eli sucks. His movies suck, his acting sucks and above all else, his voice makes me Pissy McPissface Meanbean. B minus.

What can I say? I know Paranormal Activity was from 2007 but it hit 2009 like Mike Tyson hit his wife. Knock Out. But that’s not funny. (heeeeheee)

I think this guy below does it the most justice. Actually, just watching his reviews makes me not want to review movies again because he covers all the bases to the T. Please watch.

AAAAAAND Scene!

I love anything Zombie. Wether it is a Romero political and cultural platform or just a blood and guts scare, nothing makes me more frightened than being eaten alive by a rotten corpse. Or maybe just bitten and knowing that soon I will be eating people. Whatever. So Zombieland added a touch of fun to my deep dark fears, and that is really appreciated. Now if they can only make a funny shark attack movie. Hrmmmm. Oh, and the famous cameo added so much to the movie.

I can’t believe I saw this. Really, I can’t believe I did. Maybe it was the little notion that Heigl was not like her Greys  Anatomy character in Knocked Up and I though she might be able to be good once again. I was wrong. And I should have seen that coming when her co-star is Gerard Butler. That guy makes my fists itch. Here is what I would rather do than ever be exposed to anything these two do again.

  • Have a dream that I am eating wild game only to wake with half my cat left.
  • Drop acid and have dinner with my aunt’s family that eat like they have no lips.
  • Be the egg on a trampoline with the Biggest Loser on week one.
  • Getting hammered and waking up spooning Nancy Grace.

I saw it and enjoyed it. Especially the new 3D technology which makes this movie more of an experience rather than just a movie. But really, this film was a Dances With Wolves, Aliens and some other movie plot. Soooo, I guess it is worth seeing once. And bring a butt pillow because this film is longer than a Catholic wedding.

I think I am passing on talking about Terminator Salvation and Transformers 2. I might make enemies of the die hard fans. Star Trek was pretty cool though. Those are the fans you need to be wary of.

NEWS!

We got a new president and I actually voted the guy. As a vet I think I may have been in the minority. The only reason I did was because I felt a change would bring a sense of calmness to the world. I didn’t think he would be clueless, though. Holy shit Paco, this guy is slowly figuring out he is not on a campaign anymore and he has to do what is right for our country, not what the magic eight ball tells him. I know many people who love him and he can do no wrong but come on. He has as much of a clue of what to do in the Oval Office as I do in a nuclear propulsion lab. But, I will still support him. Like I have a choice.

We are still fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan and we, as Americans, still only care about the Jersey Shore, The Hills, Kate Gosselin and American Idol. Just the other day we lost 4 soldier all to combat action in the Helm Providence and I over heard a girl state she didn’t realize we were still over there and how stupid it was that we were there. To that, I say she is right. Why are brave men and women dying for her dumbass?

This story marked a year that I will look back with a smile and say, “no shit”. The Heene’s faked there monkey-kid’s heart stopping castaway in a weather balloon. This national hoax was one I will not soon forget. And for that, I love them. Especially when the poor kid puked on the Today show. Why these people don’t have a reality show is beyond me. I say, forgive them and share the train + car + plane + boat + eighteen wheeler crash with the world.

We lost quiet a few celebrities this year too. Of course Micheal Jackson dying was tragic and both Patrick Swayze and Farrah had been circling the drain for years, it was  Billy Mays, however,  that made me pause in shock. He has been a staple on this blog and for that I still fly my OxyClean flag at half mast. And John Hughes! What the? You see, too many to list.

So, on to 2010! There has been so much this past year that my head is still spinning but the one thing for sure is, I am bloggin’ up a storm. So many ideas and so many awesome issues. I will leave you now with an artistic rendition of my thought process.

Where Did You Go? Part 12

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Man,  I havn’t done one of these for a while. Actually, I haven’t done much of anything on here for a while. And for that, I am sorry. So to make amends, I am writing this pants-less with large foam sombrero on my head. The things I do for you people. Now let’s get down to business.

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“Graaaaaaaaace!” Holy shit, this lady is one of my favorites. It is Edie McClurg, the round, bubbly, chipper mid-western lady that occasionally will drop an F-bomb. Everything about her, I love.  And it is not just because she has been in John Hughes films. Although that is a big part. What am I talking about? Between Ed Rooney’s secretary role and her role in Planes Trains and Automobiles, she can do no wrong with me. In fact, even if those were her only two times on the silver screen, she would still be a huge star to me.

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But even though she rocked the last half of the eighties, her type-cast didn’t hold her back from continuing a very busy career all the way to today. She started satirical acting at a young age and was even a voice in the 1960’s cartoon The Jetsons. (How awesome would it be if she was Astro?) Her first real movie role was Carrie an since then she has been in John Hughes’ films,  Oliver Stone’s Natural Born Killers, voice overs for Pixar movies and numerous of TV shows like Small Wonders, Diff’ent Strokes, Mr. Belvedere, Sienfeld, Rosanne and so many others. Oddly enough she was never in an episode of Murder She Wrote. There goes that theory. But still, her role as Grace the secretary made her what she is for me today: a sex symbol I am not proud of. Rowr…

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If you look close, that is Edie in the shower. Yeah, I need to get out more.

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I forget who requested Wyatt from Weird Science but here you go. His real name is Ilan Mitchell and was discovered by a talent agent at a ballet studio in Massachusetts. Yeah, speaking of weird. From then he went on to a brief but successful acting career including, of course, Weird Science, The Chocolate War, the TV series Superboy and few others. To be perfectly honest, I only remember him as Wyatt and have very fuzzy memories of Superboy. But that is okay because…

41he wasn’t meant to be an actor but rather a real life professor.

It’s true, Ilam went from Weird Science to Weird-Beard and also…total…denim. Sorry, that distracted me. What was I saying? Ah yes, Ilam is married with two kids and is an assistant professor of English. Oddly enough his wife never knew of his acting career until one day she confessed to loving The Chocolate War. That is when Ilam not only confessed to loving The Chocolate War as well but also to staring in it. TA DA! I don’t know what is more disturbing; being married to the star of your favorite movie and not knowing it or not knowing you’re married to the star of the John Hughes 1986 classic, Weird Science. Either way, that is a great excuse for domestic violence.

Chris Burke03aPlease don’t think that I am about to do what you think I am. I am actually curious to see what Chris Burke, who played Corky Thatcher in the early 1990’s hit show Life Goes On, is up to today. And looking to IBDM for a reference it seems that Chris has been on a few other shows like ER and Touched By An Angle. There are others but to be honest, if the role he plays in Life Goes On, Touched By An Angle  and ER is the same, is it worth listing? That’s what I thought too.

I might be alone on this but did it piss anyone off that his family nicknamed him “Corky” on Life Goes On? If you have a downs syndrome kid, don’t give him a fucking nickname. Especially if it is cute and ends in a “Y”. AT LEAST Chris was able to rise above it. In an interview he said:

People said I could never become an actor because I’m retarded. It goes to show you that anyone can make their dreams a reality… unless they’re brain dead.

Holy Fuck.

In my quest to see what Chris is up to, I found this on YouTube and had to sit for awhile after. There are somethings that leave me unable to add anything to them. This is one of those times. If there are small children in the room, you might want to ask them to leave now.

So…anyone for a chip? Yeah, I lost my appetite too.