13 Days Of Christmas

Screen Shot 2015-12-12 at 2.50.29 PM

It’s 13 days till Christmas! It’s practically here!

That’s right, you freaks, we are creeping our way down to the day of Christmas when we get loaded on eggnog, open gifts and watch The Christmas Story 12 times in a row and smash the hand of anyone who dares change the channel. (Sorry about last year, Grandma) With the busy life and time of your’s truly and the crash landing of the Halloween Hell Show, I figured committing 13 days is way more doable than an entire month. But don’t fret, we have lots in store and 13 videos too! I can say that with certainty since most are already shot.

OH! I am also doing a few horror gift giveaways to brighten your Christmas season. Each will be different and announced on Twitter so if you don’t follow me, you might want to. Details will follow on the first prize announced tomorrow.

So, get ready for the unholy number of days as we countdown to Christmas day and have the time of our life doing it. Bring it in. I have hugs for you.

Until the official start (late tonight) spread your love of the holiday and checkout Matt’s annual holiday fantasmo over at DinosaurDracula. It’s tradition, mang.



Cheap Christmas Countdown: Day 9

Brian rules. Let’s get that out-of-the-way.

Okay, so this is kind of a lame one for the beginning of the “Cheap Christmas Countdown” but I can assure you this is worth it. If you require light, heat, and fragrance then you require a Yankee candle. Well, at least fragrance.

I was at Big Lots the other day and I stumbled on the candle section and I knew this had to be reviewed. Partly because I had just recently bought a $30 Yankee candle and wanted to make sure I wasn’t stupid for spending that amount just to pretend I am in a forest.

Oh boy, the generic candles went right for the holiday throat and waxed the season into a “Winter Spruce” candle! Sorry for the doodling, I didn’t think about the backdrop when I took this.

The big difference between this Big Lots candle and a Yankee candle is $26…at first glance. I also bought Happy Gilmore for $4.99 on DVD the same day and I know I paid over $20 for that movie in 1998. Why is this relevant? Well, these type of stores sell on the premiss that one man’s junk is another’s treasure. Shooter McGavern eats shit for breakfast and I bought a candle. Vagina-boob.

Shut up.

So let’s test this candle! I never expect much from any candle not Yankee because to me, Yankee candles are the Jelly Belly of all “smell-stuff”. They can mimic any fragrance known to man so I am grateful Spencer’s Gifts hasn’t bought significant stock and have a line of “Sweaty Emo Girl” and “1998 Saturn Seat” to plague studio apartments across the globe.

I had no other way to test this other than lighting the candle and leaving it in the guest bathroom for an hour.

Smelled like a $4.00 candle. No trace of pine or winter spruce. It didn’t smell bad but the indifference was the offense.

I hate it. I hate it worse that my toilet won’t stop running now that I sat on the top part of it from the picture above. I also need to confess I was out with my coworkers and may have had a bit much to drink. Is this where I confess? I guess. I need to go punch the top of the toilet. I think that is what people do.



Christmas Non-Jolly Traditions. Actually, Terrifying Is The Word.

Oh, Christmas traditions are a funny thing, eh? We put a dead tree in the living room and wrap it in electric wires, hang socks over a fireplace, drink booze at work parties, exchange gifts we know people will either give away the next year or return, wear sweaters that would make a crazy old lady wince, bribe our kids with gifts if they are good and use a made-up fat guy as leverage, and listen to music that we love until December 26th then completely hate. And all this has to do, somehow, with the Son of God being born in a barn. Trying to explain this holiday to an extraterrestrial would be difficult if not slightly embarrassing but if we compare our traditions with that of other countries, we may come off as silly but at least we aren’t creepy and sadistic. Let me shed some light on a few traditions other countries have on this holiday of holly jolly.

Let’s start with the Scandinavians. Apparently it’s bad news to go out the night of Christmas Eve because this is the night when trolls, goblins, witches and ghost are said to roam the land and before dawn they are the craziest. To venture out means certain death so pray there isn’t a late night run to the local mart for more cheese and beer.

The Swedes take it a step further by actually setting a table with a huge feast for dead relatives to return from the grave and party all night. The (living) family members close off the room, go to bed and not dare return until morning. They observe any signs that there was a ghostly gathering the morning of Christmas and I guess…open presents? No idea.

In Wales, it’s said dogs that howl during the night on Christmas Eve will go mad by years end. They also make a point to keep a candle lit through Christmas day and if it should go out means there will be a death in the house soon. Oh! Also if you cast a shadow on the wall and it appears headless you are totally fucked. I’m not making these up.

Another odd Netherlands tradition or folklore is to clean all of your Christmas decorations by February second and if you are late or leave behind any needles from wreaths or a tree, that is how many spirits and demons you will have for the rest of the year. This folklore I happen to like because seeing neighbors with Christmas decorations up any longer than a month after December should result in at least a curse.

Here is my personal favorite and it hails from Austria. I am not sure how cute elves were brought about as St. Nick’s assistant because the origin of Santa has a demon named Krampus helping him out. Yeah, a demon who tags along with him to handle the “naughty” list. Did I mention he is a rape demon too? Apparently he is described as an incubus that preys on sleeping people and follows around St. Nick delivering beatings to bad kids and the really bad ones go with Krampus down to Hell. This reward to punishment ratio seems a little bit one sided. If you are good you get a bunch of candy in your shoe. Bad, you get raped, beaten and dragged to Hell.

Damn, Santa is kind of a sick jerk.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: