So it begins.
Brian from Review the World and I have created a joint project where we bring you a ten day countdown for cheap ways to celebrate the most wonderful time of the year. I have been a huge fan of Brian’s site for years so this is a great thing for me. Please click the cat and read Day 1 of the countdown and tomorrow ( really late tonight) check back here for my review!
This will be fun. SO HAVE FUN, DAMN IT!
CLICK ON TOMO THE CAT!
This is starting to be an unintentional trend here on Veggiemacabre and I while I don’t want this to be a candy blog, tis the season, you know? I really wish this was a Triscuit/Hormell pepperoni blog but that would just attract eighty year old versions of me and a tarot card reader said I would grow into an asshole. I hope that she didn’t mean that literally.
The ol’ hard candy mix that has plagued every grandmother’s, great aunt’s and crazy cat lady’s holiday candy dish since Moses smoked weed, talked to a burning bush and was told to decorate a Christmas tree leading to why we celebrate Jesus’s birth…that way. It’s a staple for my holiday traditions and while I never could chip away a piece from the fused mix that I can remember, Christmas would not be Christmas without it.
Surprise bag! Here we have a good window (that is fogged up with candy dust) of what this assortment is without having to get sticky. Nothing is really standing out as the candy from 1985 that Grandma bought in ’66 but that is why this bag is called “Deluxe Filled Hard Candy” and the other is called “Old Fashion Mix”. So high hopes for the latter.
I don’t know why but every time I say the phrase “old fashion” I think of the wallpaper from Subway in 1987 and Three Dog Night. Weird.
So here we have both packs; “Old Fashion” on the left and “Deluxe” on the right. I can definitely recognize some pieces and for a brief second my olfactory senses took me back to a time when the only concern was having to visit my great aunt who continuously cleared her throat and spit into tissues followed by reapplying lipstick. God rest her soul.
I am really not sure if this is a review or just an ode to Christmas candy but I think I owe it to all those who are like me and have never tasted these assortments but had to have them within reaching distance from the tree. I owe it to my great aunt at least.
Take it for what it is. These candies will always have a soft spot in my heart that is three sizes too small. I don’t think they are for eating as much as they are for adding color and a bit of nostalgic glory to the season. There is one last test though…
Houston, we have perfection.
Come check out the ten day countdown both here and over at RtWTV! I promise it to be something to get you into the Christmas spirit or at least let you know what to avoid at a bargain store.
You may remember last year’s rundown I did featuring unorthodox candy canes of the season. Oh you don’t? Well here is the link and just to recap, I tested each flavor and compared them to the original candy (i.e. did the Starbursts candy canes taste like Starburst candy yadda yadda yadda) It was a bit of a stretch and there was absolutely no scientific method followed so in reality nothing was accomplished, but that wasn’t the point. The point was to write 3,000 words about candy and tie it into a Christmas theme. That’s what I did then, and this is what I am going to do now. May I present to you the…
I am in my mid-thirties. I just stacked seven boxes of candy canes on my coffee table and photographed them. This is something that I am neither proud of nor happy to admit but for the sake of this blog, I have done far worse.
It looks like we have a few new selections from prominent candy companies to chat about. It’s hard to know where to start so it looks like I am going to put them in a circle and spin a bottle. Just as my luck foretells, this will surely allow me to review the worst one first. That has always been my “spin the bottle” luck, but really, it doesn’t matter if the worst is first because I am not much of a candy fan and until they start making Christmas Triscuits, I am stuck with candy canes.
Oh! One more tid-bit. This year I will actually be comparing the canes to the like candies in REAL TIME!! I know that means dick in the blogging format but it’s fun for me so BACK OFF! That’s enough caps for now.
I knew it. This would be the first one because it was the one I was least excited about. Smarties never blow my skirt up and above all it’s a Halloween candy so turning them into a Christmas decor was like carving a Holly Jolly Jack-o-lantern. Zed’s dead, man. Zed’s dead.
To show how little I do care for Smarties I proved this by buying a package of Sweetarts on accident. I never even considered these two to be different. crucify me if you must but it’s just not my bag. So as my penance I was forced to leave my house and be the only jackhole to buy a bag of Smarties after Halloween for $3.20. I bought the Sweetarts ala cart for .07. That’s a difference of 821%!!! Math is also phonetically pronounced “frroopt”, too.
Oh yeah, when I ran to the grocery store to get the right candy it was around 11:00 at night and I really didn’t feel like having any human interaction with the checkout clerk. I was buying a bag of Smarties and no explaining was to be done. So, I opted for the self-checkout.
Fuck.
So here is the point. These candy canes taste nothing like Sweet Tarts but exactly like Smarties. I know what you are thinking, “no shit” but this has a bigger implication on me. I found out that Sweet Tarts are okay and Smarties are dull PEZ so that makes these candy canes pointless though they really do taste exactly alike. 5 out of 10 turkey fryer fires
The jelly bean has always been an Easter candy until that fateful day when Jelly Belly came into existence forcing all of us to eat jelly beans 450 days a year. Then the Jelly Belly Company invaded Christmas and I am sure I will be eating these while celebrating independence. Thanks Jelly Belly for taking my calendar and turning it into a pee-pad.
This package has three major flavors of Jelly Belly beans and they are Very Cherry, Juicy Pear and Sizzling Cinnamon. I say they are major flavors because in any given assortment bag of Jelly Bellies these are the ones you are most likely to get. Unfortunately there aren’t a true array of Jelly Belly flavors in cane-form because the people at Jelly Belly Company are so amazing at mimicking flavors, they could have had awesome novelty flavored candy canes like Jones Soda of yesteryear with turkey flavors or green bean casserole. If that were true this would be a love article about Jelly Belly disgusting candy canes and how I use them as a pretend microphone, singing to strangers in a Party City about how much I love Christmas.
The taste in comparison to the original candy is identical. I knew it would be. The only questionable one is the Juicy Pear because in a blind taste test, Green Apple can be a sneaky prick and fool you into thinking it’s pear. Get out of here, Green Apple! You had your day! 8 out of 10 Griswold Christmas Tree Squirrels.
Now & Later candy is exactly what gives a dentist night sweats. It only recently hit me that the name Now & Later really has a true meaning because they are so tough on the teeth that you eat these things now and will be eating the same piece much much later. This is public enemy number one to all crowns.
It’s kind of funny to see the candy’s package boasting they are now softer.
The canes were actually a bit more tart and that is a welcome surprise since Now & Later is kind of nondescript candy other than the texture that can both shatter and bind your lower and upper jaw together. It’s some sort of sorcery. This package has a few varieties like grape, watermelon, apple and strawberry. I tested the strawberry because it was the first one out of the package. These were actually pretty good and it managed to retain that “this has a shelf life of ten million years” aftertaste which makes Now & Laters what they are: plastic. 7 out of 10 seasick crocodiles
Dum-Dums! This is one of my favorite insults. Much like Smarties, I always consider this a Halloween novelty but lately my career has me traveling to many different offices and I have noticed in the waiting rooms, Dum-Dum suckers have replaced the ever-present strawberry candy. Why do I even take notice of such things??? Oh yeah, this is my blog full of such nonsense.
Jumping right to the chase, Dum-Dum suckers have dropped the sick and became one with the Christmas season. This package has a few of the same flavors every other candy has including the ever-present blue raspberry. I am not a fan of blue raspberry. I decided to stick with cherry again and wouldn’t you know it, no real taste difference so the novelty is more than just a feeble attempt to cash in on Christmas. But really, I think by this time in the review my sugar high is to a point of delirium. 5 out of 10 massive christmas light cord tangle balls
Okay, I need a break before the inevitable sugar crash. It’s happening now.
Looks like Brachs is even dipping into the Valentine’s Day stash and giving us Red Hots candy canes. I will be honest, at first glance I wasn’t thrilled about reviewing these because when it comes to cinnamon, it’s just cinnamon. Really hard to put a fun twist on that though fifty-four billion have tried. Then I thought, “I remember this candy to be an ever-lasting atomic death ball that would scorch my pre-teen mouth. Sounds fun!”
So I bought them. Then my head came out of my butt when I realized that these candy canes aren’t Atomic Fire Ball candy but the puss Red Hots that littered the bottom of a shoebox/valentine holder. I am not sure why I made that mistake since it CLEARLY READ “RED HOTS” on the box.
They tasted like cinnamon. Fin. 3 out of 10 Nakatomi Towers
Trolli Sour Brite Canes, I will admit, were the most anticipated candy canes for me only because of the similarity to last year’s Sour Patch Kids minus the granulated sugar. The original candy is sour gummy worms which are divided into two flavors so I figured the two-flavored candy canes would be an easy winner. The only trepidation I have with Trolli is…
..the mutha fuckin’ worms! God, it’s like a cross between a nightmare and a German children’s book! I can’t tell if it’s the eyes or the “To Catch A Predator” grin. That Santa hat doesn’t hide the fact this worm wants to communicate with kids in AOL chatrooms, show up to their house to eat cookies and sit when ever Chris Hanson tells it to.
The candy is actually pretty comparable to the gummy worms and though there are two different flavors in each, I can say they kept true to the original combinations. Overall, if you like tart and fruit flavored candy canes, you should dig these. 8 out of 10 Ruby Deagle electric stair chairs
Warheads! I remember when these were first introduced to the public back in back in the late 1980’s. I am sure they were around before that but not as the Warhead candy we know today. I used to love them but when the palate becomes mature, the love of beets and garlic take the place of super sour candy and what a weird parabola that is! That’s why there is an unimpressed cat looking at them.
I tried to find like originals to the candy canes and this was as close as I could get. Stuck with another blue raspberry. The War Head was pretty extreme and I wasn’t very excited to try another sour candy right after as a comparison, but lucky for me, the candy canes are the opposite from their original base. Instead of starting out sour and going sweet, these start sweet and have the sour powder inside. I found that to be welcomed.
But were they the same? Not even close. That’s a good thing! 9 out of 10 Yankee Candle Mistletoe Car Scents
Finally, I finish with these Dr. Seuss-looking candy canes. They have no other candy comparison unless you consider pie a comparable original. Curly Canes are more for look than taste because with such a generic theme like pie, these guys could go anywhere. And they did. I will say, watch out for Banana Cream Pie. It tastes like hot garbage. But the cool packaging and loopy shapes make this a winning addition to the holiday. And there is no way this cane will fall off a tree limb. 8 out of 10 Advent Calendar X-E Countdowns of Yesteryear
This was fun! All of these Candy Canes were around $3.50 per box so not a real hit on the wallet unless you buy all of these varieties at once. If anyone wants to come over, I have a few hundred candy canes for you.
I have to go to the dentist now. Teeth aren’t suppose to become loose after sneezing, right? I find that to be weird.
So last week I unintentionally changed the course of my desire to ever eat spicy foods again. I ingested something so hot, so painful, so unbelievably not for human consumption that for the better part of the night I sat in the shower and contemplated calling the hospital. And it was all for a bloody t-shirt.
Let me give you a little back story before I admit to eating pepto pills off a public restroom floor because to not have would have meant certain death.
Over the past few years I have been obsessed with spicy food challenges, hot sauces, peppers and really anything that makes a mouth unhappy. I really can’t answer why this has been such a fascination of mine but I will say if there is a person to blame, I blame Adam Richman of Man vs Food. Since its inception into the Travel Channel lineup, I have seen him ingest some of the hottest and most insane eating challenges this nation has to offer and every episode ends with me stating “I can to that”.
No I can’t.
East Coast Wings is a franchise that originated about five miles down the street from my house and it’s obvious what they specialize in. There must be about fifty different flavors of wings and over fifteen levels of spice starting with the meek mild and going all the way to the absurd. But there is one level to rule the other levels of heat. It’s the Insanity sauce and it’s so hot you have to sign a waiver and you can only eat one wing at a time. This was something that I had to try.
I have come to believe that many waiver forms for amusement are just gimmicks meant to lure people in thinking they are doing something dangerous when in all actuality, the real danger was the drive to the event. I have such a skeptical view on these challenges when you are asked to sign your life away. But “…external and internal tissue damage…” did catch my eye.
I forget how I managed to talk my girlfriend into accompanying me on this adventure but after a long day of football and drinking, I think she wanted to witness this about as much as I wanted to earn a t-shirt. Because it was such a long day of said activities, I had an empty tank and was pretty hungry so it was a challenge enough not to eat the Texas toast that was meant to qualm the fire I was about to ingest. The sugar and milk? That’s for babies.
Finally the “Insanity Wing” had arrived and it was go-time. There were a few spectators at 11:30 on a Saturday night who wanted to see what was going to happen but I didn’t even think about the possibility of giving them any entertainment other than watching a half-drunk guy look uncomfortable for a few minutes. It’s not that I was being cocky or even overly confident, I have taken on a few of these challenges before with little more than heartburn to speak of. I have even eaten a whole ghost pepper and while that was extraordinarily stupid, I survived and recovered a couple of hours later. This was only one wing, after all.
There is only one speed to take on these challenges and that is FAST. I ate this wing as if it was still on a live chicken. It’s not really something you can savor. I will say the burn on the mouth and throat was pretty intense but not nearly as bad as I have had before. But just when I thought I had this challenge beat, it hit my stomach. And that’s when my Hell began.
I have never had that happen to me before! In less than a second I had a burning coal trying to break through my abdomen just an inch below my sternum. I quietly excused myself and walked purposefully to the restroom praying that it wasn’t occupied. Thank God it wasn’t because the second I got there I collapsed wanting to throw up. But all I could do was sit on the floor of a public restroom in sheer hollow pain. Agony.
I would have gladly offered a finger to break if it would have subsided the waves of intense burning. My poor girlfriend opened the door to make sure I wasn’t dead and she found me with my back against the wall and asked if I was okay. I replied with a “NO! BIG MISTAKE! I’M SERIOUS!” She gave me a bottle of generic Peptic Relief pills and I greedily chewed a couple up and swallowed them. I could not coat the stomach fast enough. In fact, in my frantic state I may have dropped a couple on the floor of the restroom and I may have not given a shit and ate them anyway. That’s a level of discomfort that I am not accustom to.
Soon enough though, I managed to get a hold of the situation and take the walk of shame back to my bar stool where I asked to just go home. Oh, and I also wanted to give my shirt back. They said I earned it, but in my heart I felt defeated.
I felt a little better by the time we reached home, though my pride was definitely dented. I was once the master of the ghost pepper and Tai Spice #5 and one wing took me down. Literally down to a public restroom floor. This is a stretch, but I felt like a champion boxer who was play-fighting with his kid nephew and was accidentally knocked out only to demand a rematch and then the kid not only knocks him out again but writes “wuss” on his forehead and raises his boxer shorts up on a flagpole. I was injured and insulted.
Do you see that it looks like I still have wing sauce on my face? Well I don’t. That is the skin burn from the frick’n wing. I couldn’t feel the burn on my face though because the sheer pain of my stomach could have masked a femur break.
I went to bed thinking the worst was over. That was until an hour later when I woke up FEELING AS IF I JUST ATE THE DAMN WING! I couldn’t believe that this feeling was back and just as intense. I sat on the floor writhing in agony, eating pepto pills by the handful. It was all I could do.
After that episode I turned on the shower and sat in the tub because standing was not an option. All I could repeat was “So stupid. So stupid.”. I couldn’t help but dwell on the waiver that stated “…internal tissue damage”. I really thought the next step was to the hospital. OVER ONE DAMN WING!
Let me sum up the rest of the night: Wake up in pain, eat a bunch of antacids, curse myself, try to go back to bed, doze off, wake up again and repeat. Pretty awful. It wasn’t until around 7:30am when my wonderful girlfriend went to the store to buy every form of Mylanta and antacid did I find any relief. And by relief I mean I no longer felt the need for a bite stick.
Well, I survived and now that it has been a week since the challenge and when I began this disaster of a post, I can say that there was no internal tissue damage. I hated that I acted like a yard ape, rolling on a public restroom floor showing my lady parts to the girlfriend. I have decided, against better judgement, to take this challenge on again. This time I will eat AND not drink any liqueur before this challenge. Also, I will do this without anyone that I want to impress and have a life alert bracelet on. Oh yeah, and perhaps I’ll bring a mat incase I decide to do yoga on the restroom floor again.
“I don’t want to think about death when I’m eating chicken”
Moral of the story? I never learn from my mistakes.
Casserole of Disaster 
