Halloween For The Dogs

Before I commence on writing this post I would like to please ask you not to inform PETA about this article. The dogs loved doing this. Well, at least one of them did.

Halloween is a time when we dress up and I believe it was originally intended to chase away evil spirits. Over the years it’s morphed into something quite different and now it’s all about slutty mail carriers and Miley Cyrus bears. I, myself, have not dressed up in a couple of years and I don’t have any kids to live vicariously through so my poor dogs get the brunt of my Halloween love. They have no choice. I pick up their poop.

Meet my two furry models; Cosmo and Lolo Bean. They are the greatest dogs and give so much love it’s almost annoying but they are technically rescues so they should spread the love-vibe. If only I could get Cosmo to stop humping his blankets and Lolo so stop rooting through the bathroom trash basket.

The first victim is Cosmo. Little Lolo could only watch in confusion while I wrestled Cosmo into his Prison Jumpsuit I bought from Target for the price of $11.99. It’s pretty cute and even has a little slot where the inmate number goes so you can write what his offenses are. I have a list like, barking at the next door neighbor’s kid, humping his blanket, chewing up my blankets, putting his wet snout on the center of my back when I am asleep, stealing Lolo’s chew treats and dropping tennis balls in the toilet. I decided to write “Being Cosmo”.

It’s not too complicated of an outfit, but you can see he definitely doesn’t mind wearing it. Almost as if he feels good about it. A life of crime doesn’t pay, my friend, and you and I both know you get antsy in your crate. He does look cute running around in a onesy that is a size too small.

Next victim is Lolo Bean. She’s a really patient type and lets me do pretty much anything other than clip her nails. She is wearing a cheerleader’s uniform I got from Target for $6.99 and I am not sure why this little piece of fabric costs so much. Regardless I slid her into the costume and found out that Bean might not qualify as a small dog.

It’s pretty snug and you can tell from her expression she is anything but thrilled. She get’s lots of loves from everyone and I think a sense of entitlement is starting to take root with her. Either that or my continuing theory that she is plotting my murder by doing the only thing she can and try to suffocate me in my sleep. She even tries when I am away! You might think it’s cute how she forces her head over my mouth and nose and refuses to let me up but it is also weird and in the dark of her eyes, I see murder.

SEE?!?! Evil in a “Rah Rah Ruff” costume.

It took awhile to wrestle Cosmo out of his jail suit for the next costume. It was a little more complex. It had a hat.

I bought him his second costume, again at Target, for the cool price of $24. Since Cosmo is a bottomless pit and will eat just about everything, I thought it was appropriate to dress him as a culinary professional. Or, as we know it, a chef. The issue with this costume is the hat. He takes off in a dead sprint for no real reason so I am expecting this hat to be chewed up and buried within the first hour of wearing it.

The main part of the costume wasn’t overly that complicated but it did involve a very low on the abdomen velcro belt and my forearm kept bumping his wiener which made for awkwardness and no eye contact for the rest of the night.

He’s a good boy but such a spaz! I could not get him to stay still long enough to successfully get everything in one fell swoop so I had to distract him with treats while I tied his kerchief, making sure he could still breath.

Finally, we have the hat and it was not nearly as difficult as I was expecting. Believe it or not, it actually stayed on too! I think my friend and I laughed for a solid ten minutes when it was finally done. He looks half pathetic and half Gordon Ramsey.

Trust me, he is a lot happier than he appears. In fact, I think I caught him checking himself out in the bathroom mirror. After he dropped another one of his tennis balls in the toilet. Very handsome, indeed.

This is the look of something that will potentially shit in your shoe.

We finally come to the last costume, a dinosaur purchased at Target for around $15 and as you see, I didn’t put it on right. I though Lolo Bean was too fat for it but then upon closer inspection, I figured the top strap was for the neck, bringing the arms higher which made much more sense. Sorry I called you fat, Lolo.

Not the greatest picture but here is what it is supposed to look like. Pretty fierce.

She spent the rest of the night with her back turned to me. I fear for my life now.

That’s the pet costume show of 2013. I hope you dress your furry family members up too and share them with the rest of us.

October 18, 2013 2

McBoo Pails…Sort Of.

As a kid nothing signified that Halloween was truly here like the launch of the McDonald’s Boo Pales. I am guessing the first ones came out around 1986 which carried strong all the way through the 90’s and then something happened. Maybe kids got fat and Burger University did a study and came to the conclusion that tradition and awesomeness was to blame? Whatever the reason, the Boo Pails disappeared for a few years leaving me sad and broken with nowhere to put candy that it can marinate in french fry smell. But luckily for us nostalgia nuts, they brought them back in the mid-2000’s. Happy days were had by all until now, 2013.

What the Hell is this? What does this have to do with Halloween? WHO SOLD THEIR SOUL TO DISNEY AND….GIRL TOY MAKER? You can actually hear the boardroom conversation where McDonald executives laugh evilly as they award contracts to Monster High, Star Wars, Lucas Film Ltd and Angry Birds. This sucks and I hate it.

And that is when I need to remind myself I am in my mid-30’s and what is neat to a six-year-old is probably total dog shit to me. I just hate when companies like these ride on the Halloween wave with no intention of giving a nod to the holiday. Or the people who made them a success.

Well, since I bought two of them I might as well see what they are all about.

Let us start with the girl bucket. (Or boy bucket if they so choose. I wouldn’t but that’s me.) From the Monster High toy line we see Frankie Stein and her diva face performing a hip 1960’s dance with a severed arm. Okay, I guess that is a little Halloween but it’s also clearly a year-round toy line so, I am sorry, it does not count.

Inside the bucket we have the same old Happy Meal that you can get in April; a tiny french fry, burger or chicken nugget, apples and small drink. McDonald’s cuts a corner with the toy but does provide stickers which I am sure all parents will be chiseling off the TV and a link to a phone app where kids can play a game. This will make parents even happier. RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE SARCASM RABBLE RABBLE.

The Angry Bird Star Wars bucket is exactly the same; stickers to be stuck somewhere and phone apps to smudge apple-sticky fingers on mom and dad’s iPhone screen. I don’t feel I need to give a side by side comparison.

The app is the only real Halloween themed part of the pails this year. I guess I am okay with this but McDonald’s really doesn’t hide the fact it’s all about low overhead. It’s as if the entire American society blamed little Fat Fatty Kevin’s obesity on puppet McNuggets dressed in Halloween costumes and demanded McDonald’s be lame and provide fruit.

Oh…wait. They actually did.

Let’s take a look at the app. Maybe there is some soul preserving qualities here.

“Hey kids, this is advertising!”

Noooo shit, McDonald’s. I guess it’s just a little funny to see them state that in such a way. It’s even funnier that they are addressing kids when clearly it’s meant for adults (with no life) who care.

Okay, I feel the spooky vibe they are giving here. It’s very much like an Angry Bird skill where you pull the ball back and try to land it in the cauldron using trajectory and a bit of gentle skill. The hilarity begins when you have to collect vegetables, protein and fruit. Notice how the protein is a fish?

Who does McDonalds think they are? I bought two buckets to write this review and Lord knows I don’t have any self-control so I ate two tiny fries, a hamburger, four chicken nuggets, two sprites and half an apple that I am sure is 40% preserves. Absolutely nothing in this meal is good for me or for my diet (yes, I am on a diet) so to have a game where you need to collect a carrot, a fish and a pear gives me the giggles. Sorry McD’s, you ain’t health no matter what you shove at kids. Sure, deep-fried meat pellets have protein but they also have fat-butt.

In conclusion I will say, I looked forward to what McDonalds was going to bring to the season since August. Not that I feel good about buying kids meals at 11pm and getting the weird eye from the McDonalds employee who HAS ONLY ONE EYE but I feel that a bit of my childhood is alive in Boo Pales and kids of today should experience them without having shit they already enjoy everyday plastered all over it. LET IT BE HALLOWEEN AND UNHEALTHY! IT WON’T KILL ANYONE!

D Minus. Try again next year.

October 14, 2013 7

Target’s Ghoulish Potions

If you have been reading VeggieMacabre for any length of time then you know I am a beer guy and really not much of a mixed drink fan. Sure, around Thanksgiving and Christmas I appreciate a glass of eggnog or apple brandy with a cinnamon stick but usually, it’s all about the beer. I guess it’s similar to cat person versus dog person, if the cat person didn’t completely hate dogs.

Where am I going with this? Oh yeah!

I prefer beer over liquor but if it is named “Ghoulish Potions”, I like liquor. This article might not clear the trees on take off but I am about to drink five martinis so it will absolutely land like a rock. Crash positions and brace for impact.

We are going to start off with Strawberry. As you see above I don’t have a proper shaker so I will have to make do with this terrible and embarrassing martini set I put together from my glass cabinet. Don’t worry, vodka mixed with sugar-water shouldn’t really be any different no matter how it’s mixed.

So, I am starting out with strawberry. I know, I have already said that. A shot of Absolute vodka, the whole mini bottle of the strawberry martini mix, a few quick shakes in cheap plastic tumblers, and I have a drink Dracula approves of. Or perhaps not. I tasted this little drink of terrible and I can completely see how someone could have a real bad night drinking a few of these. Imagine dissecting forty Gusher fruit snacks, extracting the goo and adding vodka. I can promise you no amount of Tums will neutralize this.

Blueberry! I actually didn’t mind this as much. Kinda of weird, but this mix has twice the carbs and sugar of the rest of the potions so already it had something a little different to separate it from the pack. Besides acknowledging that it’s horrible for you, I am in love with the color. All blue drinks get an automatic passing grade with me anyway, but the taste wasn’t at all offensive. And that surprised me because I have always stated blueberries to be the “just okay” berry.

Pomegranate martini mix was an odd beast. I wanted to like it but the pervasive plastic after taste kept me questioning whether this was a fruit cocktail or a melted down M.U.S.C.L.E. man cocktail. The color isn’t as neon as the strawberry or raspberry but it is just as offensive to the palate. If you have never had pomegranate, don’t let this be your first experience because that would be like finding a person who has never had a banana and feeding them a yellow pillowcase. (Damn, these drinks are kicking in, can you tell?)

Green apple! I remember when green apple martinis were all the rage because young people (thinking specifically of my old dates) didn’t know a good drink if landed on their face and started to wiggle. I am being snobby, aren’t I? Sorry, it’s just not my bag and if I wanted a drink that was half Blow-Pop, I wouldn’t run to sour apple.

This mix is not much different but in a shocking twist, it is one of the lesser offenses in the pack. I was expecting a green spew of sour mix but instead its milder than most apple martinis I have had. I am not saying it’s good but I didn’t have to stick my finger down my throat and jam an insulin needle in my neck after the first sip.

I was going to review Raspberry but the silent “P” angers me so I will leave you with this: it sucked. It’s red, distant aftertaste of raspberry and so sweet I actually had visions. Of what, something something Hellraiser something Event Horizon.

Well, that is my harsh review of the “Ghoulish Potions” which are exclusively at Target. I know I was a Negative Nancy about them but I rarely drink anything but beer so it’s kind of wasted on this guy. I will say, you could probably make a delightful drink with these if you ignore the instructions that calls for the entire bottle to one ounce shot of vodka. Maybe mix half a bottle to an ounce and a half with tonic to cut the sweetness? I could be down for that.

I did have a little scientific method to this taste test. You will notice the horrible handwriting I have been practicing since over half of my career is hanging around physicians. You can still read mine so there are improvements to be done.

After this test and many awful drinks I found myself rapidly passing through the stages of drunkenness with my office buddy. I have to hand it to him, he has more patience than I would have.

Thanks for putting me to bed with a trashcan close by, buddy.

EDIT!!! The package clearly states that Cranberry was suppose to be in the pack but they secretly replaced it with Strawberry. You sneaky cheeky dicks.

October 13, 2013 2

Candy Corn Coffee

CANDY. CORN. COFFEE.

It’s fun to say, no? I was a little skeptical when I saw the Fall flavored coffee in Target last week but I took the plunge and decided that is the fuel to drive me out of bed each morning.

The good people at Archer Farms gave us a few different flavors for the Autumn season like Pumpkin, Butter Rum and, of course, Candy Corn. Pumpkin and Butter Rum are nice but for this review I gotta stick to the odd and macabre so Candy Corn gets the nod for a review.

I love the smell of coffee, especially right out of the package before the brewing process. I have been known to get hypoxia in a Fresh Market from taking hundreds of deep smelling inhales around the coffee barrels. It’s a problem and I am seeking help. And this bag is no help. It smells like heaven and I have a hard time putting it down. It’s sweet and buttery, much like a real bag of candy corn. That’s where the true test lies.

Candy corn is a deceiving beast. It will lure you with its amazing aroma and when you put it in your mouth, it breaks a part and the brain immediately believes you are trying to eat an inedible object. Candy corn is truly the chap stick of candy.

Lucky for me, you and the people at Archer Farms, coffee translates different when smell-to-taste comparisons are involved. It tastes better! I was so happy to take the first sip and not taste a waxy plastic but instead buttery, warm and a touch of sweetness for the palate. I love this coffee. I love that this coffee loves me. We are getting married this November so watch out for “save the date” invites.

My coffee maker, “THE BREW MASTER”, and I are not as close. It’s impossible to make coffee in the morning without involving half a roll of paper towels. I would buy a new one but the only time I make that commitment is 5:30 in the morning and that motivation is long gone by lunchtime. One of these days it’s going to involve electricity, me and a funny smell my neighbors will complain about. Until then, Brawny and I will have a close monetary bond.

I give this coffee an A+++++ because of the wonderful aroma, pleasant taste and Halloween theme. It is absolutely the perfect way to start the day when you look this bad at 0′ Dark Thirty in the morning and it’s cold and rainy outside.

The pumpkin is just so-so. I made the mistake of buying really expensive pumpkin coffee before Archer Farms so I had already spoiled my taste buds.

Go get some Candy Corn Coffee! You will not regret it. I think it’s around $8 a bag.

October 10, 2013 3

Spooky North Carolina: “Körner’s Folly”

Man oh man, I have been a busy beaver lately. Work always seems to wait until I specifically ask for a break to go completely insane. A little unknown Murphy’s law is “Don’t countdown to Halloween; just acknowledge it’s coming.”. I never take my own advice and end up over promising.

So, here is my latest episode in the series, “Spooky NC” where a friend and I poke our noses around a very odd house located right down from where I live. I have always seen it driving through the little town of Kernersville but until recently, I never had a reason to ask about it. I am glad I did.

It was built in the late 1800’s and nicknamed a “Folly” because of the crazy price tag attached to the building process and the fact it’s just an odd design in general. Every room has its own distinct personality, shape and size. It’s as if a seven-year old drew up the blue prints. I can see how many people in the Körner family thought this was a something that could eventually be the downfall to the family name.

The house itself sat boarded up and abandoned from the 1960’s through the 1980’s until the city decided to restore it to the original condition and use it for holiday events, social gathering spots and tourism. Since then it has been a pretty popular place and a money pot for the little city of Kernersville, NC. But it also came with something else. Unexplained noises are common there to the locals who walk past the old house at night. They report lights from inside the closed building and the police have a special numbered call when the motion detectors trip the house alarm.

Last year a paranormal investigative team spent the night there and found some pretty convincing evidence like kids laughing from the bedrooms and actually recorded what sounded like a cocktail party on the top floor where plays and parties were held. On their way out of the house early in the morning over half of the lights mysteriously came on as they were backing out of the parking lot. Creepy.

So, that’s a brief and shitty history of the house. Now I want to talk about what happened when we went there.

The house closes to the public at 4pm on Saturdays but will stay open for just a few people who might want to get ghostly evidence if you ask nicely and donate a few extra dollars to the Körner’s upkeep fund. And that’s exactly what I did! I dragged my poor friend there since she likes that sort of stuff anyway and it was just us in the house for a good thirty minutes while the two staff ladies went to their office across the street. I had the camera and my friend snapped pictures on her phone as we made our way through the different levels.

I didn’t get a spooked feeling or the creeps but I will say it’s a house like no other that I have been in. It almost didn’t make sense structurally. Every time you stepped it echoed and creaked so I have no idea how anyone got a moment of rest there. When editing this I decided to leave the audio out and overlay it with music because all you hear is deafening footsteps and breathing. And that brings me to the only thing we think we witnessed. Or think we did.

Okay, so remember when I was saying that we were the only two in the building? Yeah….that’s the top of someones head looking over the railing two floors below us. I absolutely did not see that when I snapped this picture and when I showed it to my buddy, she screamed as if there was a spider on her head because we were both absolutely positive we were alone. I am not saying one way or another if this is a ghost but I can be sure of one thing, it’s not a person hiding in the house and somehow tip-toeing around.

And why didn’t I see that when I took the picture? It’s crazy. I guess you would have to be there to fully understand there is no way for another person to be in that house without either of us knowing. The stairs alone would give you away!

I’ll leave it up to you. Here is my short video that starts with a festival up in the North Carolina mountains and some of the people there were far scarier than any ghost could be. Enjoy!

October 9, 2013 1

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