Ruprecht is a Reindeer that is sired from Samhain’s loins and born from ill-gotten stock. His means are of the ne’er-do-well purpose and will always plot your demise no matter how bad you want to scratch his cat-like chin. He is a demon who makes Pazuzu look like Odie. He hates you.
I am not sure what the reasoning is but Ruprecht has a special assignment with Veggiemacabre this Christmas and I am pretty sure it’s from a drunken Ouija board night when I asked for Powerball numbers. My lotto picks usually have three sixes in them. Too many Satanic movies have a money driven subplot for me to ignore.
*sigh* He’s a real dick, that Ruprecht, but we are stuck together through the holiday season and it’s our mission to write and make videos of everything Christmas. If I refuse, he just might kill me.
Seriously, did you ever see the movie Tales From the Darkside when the cat jumped down David Johansen’s throat? Yeah, that shit can happen if I look at him wrong. Also, if I forget to remove Mikes from his Mike and Ikes, change the channel in the middle of Judge Judy or fail to include Tyler Perry’s name before any of his movie titles.
So, long story short, Ruprecht and I will be guiding you through this crazy holiday and if your soul is in limbo, he just might collect it. But don’t be scared, I could probably talk you free from a hellish limo with a friendly wager of Go Fish. He sucks at 50/50 wagers.
Beware! You will be visited by a post at the stroke of something-sometime tomorrow. Keep your shit wired tight and remember, keep repeating, this is only a blog…this is only a blog…this is only a blog.
It’s been a slow kickoff for the new holiday blogger-anza (made that up) but don’t fret, I have something that not only sings to my heart, it sings to my esophagus. Ever have something sing to your esophagus? It’s weird because you sing using esophagus. I have derailed.
This year Target is offering an array of various hot sauces with different flavors and levels of heat in their “Holiday Heat” variety pack. I love spicy condiments so much I am pretty sure I haven’t had plain food in twenty years. Shit, I might not even like chicken! The fact that this is married with Christmas, I can’t even feel my legs from the excitement.
There are ten, count them, ten bottles of pain. Each on has a different flavor from the pepper variety and obvious heat level. I thought I would list each one with a paragraph explaining why my mouth is on fire but I figured that would fly for three of them. Ten bottles, however, I need to make this a bit more entertaining. That is why you notice the video below.
Nevermind, I just shot a video and it’s as repetitive and stupid as I imagined it to be. You’re getting a seven bottle countdown with the three hottest reserved for a video. Too much of both is a problem so I have spread out the pain.
Enjoy this and get this holiday pack even if it’s just to decorate your childish office.
Snowman Meltdown Zest Garlic
Is there anything better than a murdered snowman on the front of a hot sauce bottle? It puts a morbid spin on the classic Frosty the Snowman cartoon and song. Imagine if hunting stores had Rudolf carcasses displayed? Actually, they probably would do that, having lived in the Northwest for a while.
At first taste, it was extremely tart with no heat but soon after the garlic hits you and doesn’t leave for three days. I ended up taking down half the bottle in a desperate search for the spice but in the end, all I had was bad breath and a pucker face. This sauce is great against vampires but horrible against your self respect.
Mistletoe Madness Garlic Cayenne
Aw horse shit, more garlic? I just got over the last bottle thanks to sucking on a two-day old coffee filter. I understand the point of garlic flavoring but perhaps I should have spaced these two apart. I have to be on a plane tomorrow and I don’t need the attendant button pushed on me because I am sweating garlic.
Mistletoe Madness Garlic Cayenne is pretty tasty, less sour and garlic from the last but not hot at all. I don’t know what I am expecting out of this holiday pack. I guess I like hyperventilating and involuntary diarrhea?
Chimney Inferno Smokey Chipotle
Finally, I am out of garlic infused breath death and on to something totally new. Chipotle!
Am I the only one who can not say chipotle? I feel that I am not alone on this. Anyway, this smoky sauce is pretty tasty and sweet for a designated “hot sauce”. I wouldn’t apply it everywhere but in some cases like chicken or fish, I probably would lean to that. In other words, I wouldn’t kick it out of bed for eating crackers. And it’s also not spicy. NO!
Seasonal Disturbance Jalapeño Fire
OOOH! !t’s Linda Blair green and looks like a potential for a possible win. I have a thing for green hot sauces and to be honest, that’s one of the weirder things about me. Do you believe that? I think it’s just because the thought of applying green sauce to normal tacos makes me feel more extraterrestrial.
Well, it ain’t verde. Or is it? No, I think it just looks and tastes like it.
So far there has been zero heat with these reviewed sauces and it’s sucking my will to live.
Yule Be Sorry Spicy Pepper
If this sucks at least it still has the best name of the batch.
It sucks. And I am sorry.
Holiday Madness Original Tabasco Pepper
Whoa, bringing out the tabasco peppers with is one! I don’t know if that makes a difference or if it just makes me feel a little more comfortable knowing “tabasco” is on the label. I am the type of person who will probably eat spagetti if it boasts that it is made with real Coke rather than cola. It’s a horrible comparison but sadly accurate.
I don’t know how to say this without sounding like a person who should never review such products but this is exactly the same as Snowman Meltdown. I mean, it’s not even slightly different and now my breath smells like a dogs ass again. Both of my mutts are looking to stick their noses in my mouth.
Ho Ho Hot Jalapeño Pepper
Uh oh, I have a feeling this might be a repeat as well. It looks the exact same as the Seasonal Distrurbance even using the exact same ingredience and sodium level. Unless this as magic, I expect this to be a repeated bottle only better looking. I mean it, the other green jalapeño bottle looks like early 90’s Southwestern decor.
Well, slap my hammies and call me Chair, it is the same! I recognize that tart non-spicy green sauce of the deep anywhere. It’s good on bland wheat crackers and the last shred of hope I had for this pack. Happy Christmas!
Okay, we have come to the last three. Well, two. I left one out because IT IS THE EXACT SAME AS ALL THE OTHERS! Here is a short video featuring me and an old man who damn near killed himself thinking he was tougher than he really was. I have to admit, I admire the old bastard.
In closing I will give this pack a multi-tier grade because it is unfair to hammer hot sauce holiday variety pack because the concept is something that is the soul of VeggieMacabre. The soul.
A- It’s a variety pack
A- It’s hot sauce
A- It’s holiday themed
G (below F)- Because it’s says “Hot” too much and it is not. Never absolutely never not hot it isn’t.
H (Below a G)- All the sauces are the same except in different bottles.
Ho Boy am I going to probably regret posting this one but I love the season so much, I think this video expresses that feeling far more than words can. I was in the moment this past week so I decided instead of three videos I could just cover everything in one. I haven’t really watched it all the way through because I would most likely not post it. So here is to being an idiot!
Enjoy and enjoy the last weekend of October. I am off to Vegas for business so my last week will be weird at best. Make sure to do something spooky!
I love how the freeze frame of Videopress always manages to get me in a worst position. Assholes.
We are in the pipeline, folks. T-Minus ten days and counting before we switch from jack-o-lanterns to turkeys and trees. It’s hard to believe we are in the last third of the month but…we are. So let’s do it right.
Tonight I am reviewing a beer that takes all things pumpkin to a higher and more sophisticated level. I usually shy away from reviewing such beers because it will attract the beer snob who picks apart the video and scoffs at he fact a guy like me can have two cents to throw. If you are reading beer jerk, expect to be pissy. But, I wanted to shed some kind light on Rogue Pumpkin Patch Ale because of the way they make it. It’s a farm to table way that I love. Real pumpkins from their farms make this mild and sweet beer all the more enjoyable.
Also! Also my pal Dave tells a spooky story about a notable haunted bridge only miles from where I live. He’s the type that is pretty serious so I 100% believe this tale. Now whether it was a ghost, who knows? Sometimes the perception is as fun as the reality of an event.
Enjoy this video and expect another catchup post later tonight.
Man oh man, I have been a busy beaver lately. Work always seems to wait until I specifically ask for a break to go completely insane. A little unknown Murphy’s law is “Don’t countdown to Halloween; just acknowledge it’s coming.”. I never take my own advice and end up over promising.
So, here is my latest episode in the series, “Spooky NC” where a friend and I poke our noses around a very odd house located right down from where I live. I have always seen it driving through the little town of Kernersville but until recently, I never had a reason to ask about it. I am glad I did.
It was built in the late 1800’s and nicknamed a “Folly” because of the crazy price tag attached to the building process and the fact it’s just an odd design in general. Every room has its own distinct personality, shape and size. It’s as if a seven-year old drew up the blue prints. I can see how many people in the Körner family thought this was a something that could eventually be the downfall to the family name.
The house itself sat boarded up and abandoned from the 1960’s through the 1980’s until the city decided to restore it to the original condition and use it for holiday events, social gathering spots and tourism. Since then it has been a pretty popular place and a money pot for the little city of Kernersville, NC. But it also came with something else. Unexplained noises are common there to the locals who walk past the old house at night. They report lights from inside the closed building and the police have a special numbered call when the motion detectors trip the house alarm.
Last year a paranormal investigative team spent the night there and found some pretty convincing evidence like kids laughing from the bedrooms and actually recorded what sounded like a cocktail party on the top floor where plays and parties were held. On their way out of the house early in the morning over half of the lights mysteriously came on as they were backing out of the parking lot. Creepy.
So, that’s a brief and shitty history of the house. Now I want to talk about what happened when we went there.
The house closes to the public at 4pm on Saturdays but will stay open for just a few people who might want to get ghostly evidence if you ask nicely and donate a few extra dollars to the Körner’s upkeep fund. And that’s exactly what I did! I dragged my poor friend there since she likes that sort of stuff anyway and it was just us in the house for a good thirty minutes while the two staff ladies went to their office across the street. I had the camera and my friend snapped pictures on her phone as we made our way through the different levels.
I didn’t get a spooked feeling or the creeps but I will say it’s a house like no other that I have been in. It almost didn’t make sense structurally. Every time you stepped it echoed and creaked so I have no idea how anyone got a moment of rest there. When editing this I decided to leave the audio out and overlay it with music because all you hear is deafening footsteps and breathing. And that brings me to the only thing we think we witnessed. Or think we did.
Okay, so remember when I was saying that we were the only two in the building? Yeah….that’s the top of someones head looking over the railing two floors below us. I absolutely did not see that when I snapped this picture and when I showed it to my buddy, she screamed as if there was a spider on her head because we were both absolutely positive we were alone. I am not saying one way or another if this is a ghost but I can be sure of one thing, it’s not a person hiding in the house and somehow tip-toeing around.
And why didn’t I see that when I took the picture? It’s crazy. I guess you would have to be there to fully understand there is no way for another person to be in that house without either of us knowing. The stairs alone would give you away!
I’ll leave it up to you. Here is my short video that starts with a festival up in the North Carolina mountains and some of the people there were far scarier than any ghost could be. Enjoy!
Casserole of Disaster 