Category: TV

Commercials That Make You Open A Savings Account

It is truly amazing what people buy. I will admit that I have blown my money on utter shit before but spending last evening watching TV with a particular attention to advertisements it is clear that there is a market for idiots. I must have stayed up until 3 am just listening to an elderly lady make small talk about a poodle cookie jar. I believe someone called in to buy it just to shut the old lady up and move on to the next dump in a jar. Somewhere in the United States there is a poodle cookie jar being bubble wrapped and shipped to some poor soul’s door mat.


Before I rail on internet dating I would like to make it clear that I don’t look down on it. I know it must be hard to be a professional and have the time to meet people of the opposite sex but the commercial for eHarmony really creeps me out. That old guy just looks like he is secretly getting off on people’s profiles. I actually heard that people have been rejected from this service too! How’s that possible? There is a 29 point compatibility questionnaire sheet! Watch the commercial to see. They have this guy LJ, who you might remember on the commercial say, “I don’t have to put on a false front.” Remember him? He sounds like an absolute moron. He must have put all C’s for his 29 point compatibility because somehow, someway, he found a normal looking chick. At least she looks normal. LJ may wake up to find his man hood cut off and made into a door-stop. I hope not LJ.

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This commercial cracks me up. It is an ad for, what I believe it is, the birth control Yasmine. I can’t believe I am blogging about birth control but this commercial was to painful to ignore. It is set at a hip, outdoor club with three late 20’s girls talking about their birth control methods. The snotty brunette takes center stage and give a 7 paragraph rant with arrows, x’s and o’s all about how wonderful Yasmine is. To top it off she boasts, “I didn’t go to medical school for nothing.” Lady, you went to medical school after you flunked acting school. Don’t say it was for nothing. Every time this commercial comes on I have to buy a new remote because I break the old one over my head in disgust.

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Billy Mays, the man without an indoor voice! I watch his infomercials and all I can think of is how this guy must be at dinner in a fine restaurant. It must go some like this:

Waiter: What will you have, sir?

Billy: KA BOOM! I’LL HAVE THE FLANK THTEAK for $19.95.

Waiter: Very good sir, please keep your voice down.

Billy: IF I ORDER NOW CAN YOU THROW IN A BAKE POTATO FOR NO CHARGE?

Waiter: Sir, could you please lower your voice. We have other patrons.

Billy: DID YOU KNOW BEETHS AND DOGS CAN THMELL FEAR?

Waiter: Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Billy: BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

His poor wife must have a hearing complex. But they must have one hell of a clean bathroom!

I am absolutely positive that the only parents who buy their kids video games from from TV infomercials are the same ones who home school their kids. This proves my point further that even if they try and socialize their kids they can’t because anyone who comes over to play will be forced to play Math Frogger, Spelling Donkey Kong or wost yet, Bible Knock Out. I would like to believe this is a form of child abuse.

On topic of bad toys that people add to their credit card bills because of momentary stupidity while innocently watching TV, Blow Pens take art to a new level of wrong. Don’t add oral fixations to a creative output.

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Mr. Furley, Where Did You Get Those Threads?

 

It is true that no one can support a neckerchief like Mr. Furley from the 70’s classic, Three’s Company. If I could only find a store that still sells his signature line I would make an earnest effort to resurrect  the style. From his wacky belt buckles to multicolored pants, he made a statement. Even if it was a statement of physical comedy.

Sweet Jesus, look at that! Can you imagine that there was a time when you put on a 100% polyester suit and for the finishing touch, stand in front of a mirror and tie on a neckerchief? I wonder who came up with that? I guess that is what happens when your collar is roughly the 4 ft x 4 ft and ties just would be too cumbersome. No, you would need to tie the necktie directly to the neck.

Grrrppleeebblleeeeshshhhpppss……….Huh? Wha? I’m sorry. I think I just had a mild seizure from the color combination Mr. Furley put together. There is something about pale blue, bright orange, and a crazy purple multicolored tie that sends me into spasms. The producers of TV Land should really warn people to have a bite stick at the ready when watching Three’s Company. See? I just broke my Tom Collins glass! Damn it Mr. Furley!

Ah….how could I stay mad at a guy who looks like that? Plaid vests are very disarming.

R.I.P. Don

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One Hit Wonders Of The Simpsons

 It is tough to form an opinion from the 400 plus episodes of The Simpsons so I will not even try. I will say I like the first five seasons much more than any of the others and I feel I am not alone on that. For 18 years the animation has been apart of pop culture and has cleverly covered the “normal” nuclear family and the perils of suburban life.  The one thing, however, about The Simpsons are the rich and indepth characters. For as long as the show is on the air, these characters have their own thirty minutes of spot light like McBain and his daughter dating Bart to Moe and his found riches in the “Flaming Moe.” But the characters I always enjoyed were the ones who came and left, never to be seen on another episode again even though they touched us (and the Simpson family) the most. Here are the ones that stand out to me.

           

       Lisa’s substitue, Mr. Bergstrom was such a great character. He was a traveling teacher that moves from town to town, teaching from his heart rather than from a lesson plan.  Lisa sees Mr. Bergstrom as the one person in the town of Springfield who appriciates her talents. She also developes a crush on him and knows he is intellectually superior to the only other man in her life, her father Homer. Unfortunatly for Lisa, as quickly as he came into her life he left. Mr. Bergstrom left by train to another town where he can inspire more kids to be who they are. But before he boards the train he is confronted by Lisa and he leaves her a note for insperation when ever she is down. It reads “You are Lisa Simpson.”

              

                                                        

     I don’t know why but I was touched a little. I hope there are Mr. Bergstom’s among the teachers in America.  Maybe it was Dustin Hoffman’s voice for Mr. Bergstrom that made his character so likable but I can watch this episode over and over and I still feel a heavy heart when Lisa reads his note. I have to remember it’s a cartoon.

         

           Another great character that only had a brief time in the spotlight was Karl. Karl was the angel in disguise that helped out Homer as his personal assistant. Homer cheated the system by comitting insurance fraud for a miracle hair replacement drug which by looks alone propelled him up the corperate ladder after his hair grew in over night. With a new position, Karl came to the rescue and gave Homer the confidence and knowlege to be a sucess. But soon Homer was found out and Karl, like a soldier, took the blame and was terminated. He even gave Homer his umbrella and walked to his car in the rain after his dismissal. What a guy.  Some say he was gay and had a crush on Homer but I like to think he is just a nice person who gives a strange his all.

       More tomorrow!   

       It’s tomorrow!

        

        Beatrice Simmons also only had a short stay on the Simpsons. She stole Abe Simpson’s heart when they accidently had their pills mixed up at the retirement home. With one look at each other they fell in love and spent the day doing what old people do. Personally, I liked the provocative pill scene. Unfortunatly, good intentions from the Simpson family to take Abe on a day adventure to Discount Lion Safari, Abe missed Bea’s birthday and she also passed away during the night. But to show her “undying” love, she left Abe $100,00 dollars in her will. Determined to enjoy his new found riches, he spent the day trying to have fun but ultimately came to the conclusion that no amount of money can mend his broken heart. So with much thought he finally decided to spend the money and bring back dignity to the retirement home where he met Beatrice to begin with. Great story.

     I think each of these three characters are far too rich to keep forever on the Simpsons. They bring a moral lesson to their own episode and help shape the main characters for future seasons. Mr. Bergstrom reinforced the need for Lisa to be proud of herself. Karl brought the same lesson to Homer but also taught him the lesson selflessness. Last but not least, Abe’s lost love, Beatrice, gave him love and the ability to bring dignity to the aging population of the retirement home. While all these characters are great I understand why they are the one hit wonders of the Simpsons. To bring morality lessons to the show we don’t need to see their faults. They are a bright spot in a long airing series and their mark has been left for all the future seasons.

     I think I have been too serious about a cartoon. :\                                                                                                                                                                                 

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Live Every Week Like It Is Shark Week

 isher       Shark Week 2007 kicked off this morning and I have been glued to the TV, not really learning anything new, but still jazzed to see great whites eating seagulls. I have been in love with sharks ever since I can remember so this week has given me reason to drop all responsibility after 6 pm.

Having had my own shark experience a few years ago while surfing off the South Carolina shore I thought my kinship with sharks would grow over time but in all actuality, it did not. They still terrify me. The very thought that you could be swimming and have a 20 foot great white under you sends chills all over my body. Living less than five minutes from the ocean I spend a lot of time swimming and every so often I get the feeling that something knows I’m there. Creepy.

Make sure you watch this week! I also can’t believe Shark Week is 20 years old. We didn’t have cable until I was 13 so to me it is 16 years old. That’s how I justify age in my life; when did I know about it.

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