Category: TV

Insanity Has A Face

If there is any doubt that YouTube has changed the face of entertainment then I challenge that with the thousands of regular people who have become over night celebrities simply by uploading videos to share with the millions of people who probably are not doing what they should be. Like I said in a previous blog, if you feel like watching a dog named Bill eat a carrot, there is a good chance you’ll find it. For that, I am thankful. Actually I am going to say that at Thanksgiving dinner this year. Because then I would have missed an opportunity to review The Norma Lee Show.

Oh where to begin with this? I guess I’ll give you a little history before I introduce you to the lady herself. I lived in Atlanta a few years ago and anyone who lives there will tell you the morning commute on 400, 285 and 85 is much like getting a root canal. Luckily for me they had a great morning radio show on 96 rock called The Regular Guys Show. Somehow they found Norma Lee’s homemade recorded CD and played it on the air and I fell in love. I mean it was pretty fucking terrible as far as the music was concerned but her innocence was very endearing. I thought she had fallen off the face of the Earth until an accidental YouTube run-in this afternoon. Now I can share it with you. Enjoy…

Now you see that we are dealing with a pretty special case here. Inspired by the 80’s craze of music videos, she wrote, performed and produced this gem called “He’s Swapping His Boat For A Tractor”. The lyrics are pretty straight forward. It’s about her significant other who just retard (?) from a factory and he has all this land that a boat can’t help with. So he swapped his boat for a tractor with the help from God and his family. I’m still confused by the basketball, though.

Oh my God that was priceless! First off, the shout out to Dr. Phil made my millennium. I doubt there will be any references made to him that won’t cause me to break out into song, “HEY DR. PHIL..DO YOU WANNA..” You have to love the way she gives a real “fuck you” to Paris from the state of Kentucky. She pulled out all the stops and used such great props like a clock, stair rails for prison bars, Lightning McQueen from Cars, a few bottles and oh yeah, her own ass. So take it in stride Ms. Hilton and quit flapping your jaws.

“Reckon they got a caller I.D.?” I hate to break it to you Norma but they can’t see you through the phone. It makes one wonder if the bag over the head was a joke that went over her head. I also wonder if there is a dick of a person who is filming this and suggested she wear a bag. I hope not because she seems like a real sweet person. I don’t believe she will be asked to take the Mensa test but she looks like someone that will bake you a pie when you are sick. Even if the pie is filled will some thing strange like corn or baked beans. It’s the gesture.

I think this was creatively driven by Norma’s boyfriend. Only a country dude can make a video about guns, legs and toe-maters. I must say that I was a little uneasy hearing Norma moan while the camera focuses on her feet. I think someone has a fetish and now I won’t be able to sleep.

This must be a big thing around Kentucky because Norma is going out of her head. Her low octave tones inspires me to wipe out my schedule next Saturday and cruise the neighborhoods for yard sale signs. When I find one I will demand a song before I buy LA Gear sneakers and Kenner Star Wars toys with missing pieces. I wish I knew what Norma was selling. Hopefully autographed cassette tapes. “…come on down and buy my junk!”

I love this song. From the first time I heard it I immediately had mental pictures of Jesus actually copping a squat on a human heart. That image can make me laugh but at the same time terrify me to the core. It reminds me of what the creepy old guy in Poltergeist 2 was singing. Norma also teases us will cookies, Amish bread and the chance to catch a glims at a swing set just out of view from the camera. But at least we get to meet the baker of the Amish bread or at least his gut that eclipses 90% of the screen.

I think we will end on a high note. The song, “I’m Not An Old Dooshbag” (that’s how it’s spelled on the track) really knocked over some barriers in what I consider hilarious. Never in my 29 years have I seen dolls referenced in a song about a dooshbag complimented with a singing Grandma and a background Sony keyboard demo beat. I would use the word awesome but I think it falls short. So I will say niftyawesomebadasscool.

Norma Lee, you have touched my heart. There is no way I will cruise the YouTube world with out stopping by the Norma Lee Show to see what is new. I can’t believe your album has not gone platinum yet but give it time. The world will soon know your talent and I hope that day is soon. At least before you retard. (?) And Norma….you are no dooshbag.

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Almost 30

Here I am, at the twilight of my 20’s. Within a few months I will be thirty and I am not taking this as well as I predicted at 25. I guess there is a realization that no longer will it be acceptable to drink 10 beers, stand on my bar stool yelling, “I AM A GOLDEN GOD!” I can no longer show up at the office and have my Cheap Trick t-shirt show through my white Brooks Bro. shirt. And soon I will need to break the habit of getting up early, making the hung over stroll to the bathroom and getting into the shower only to find out I still have my socks on. Hrm… but who am I kidding? I will probably be doing all of these things well past retirement. There are, however, a lot of tell tale signs that I am getting older which I can not help. Let me count the ways…

Drinking tea doesn’t define one as “older”. My English chum in grade school drank tea while I downed Kool-Aid after countless hours building Lego towns. That is why I never associated tea with age or being refine. Now that I am older I have to have a cup before I retire for the night. It’s more of a sleep aid and something to sip while catching the end of a hockey game but one thing is for sure, I need it.

A month ago I was visiting my Dad and I noticed he only had Earl Grey which has a considerable amount of caffeine in it. Knowing that there is a good chance of tossing and turning later that night I decided to go to the store and get my tea with the sleepy bear on it. Before I left I yelled upstairs to my father, “Dad, I’m going to make a tea run, you want anything?”

“Tea-run?” When did beer-run turn into tea-run?

As I was driving to the store I really began to ponder at what time in my life did tea replace beer? I shrugged it off but that was the beginning of me becoming acutely aware to the fact that I am or have grown up. I bought the tea, bananas, 1/2 a gallon of milk, sour apple Bubble Yum and the DVD, Cheech and Chong’s Up In Smoke for $5.99. Take that maturity.

I really spend less and less time in front of the boob-tube but in comparison with normal people it is still a considerable amount of time. I can’t help the fact that I like TV because really, I was raised on it. The shows, however, have changed and now I find myself flipping through the channels with extreme prejudice because the last thing I want to have happen to me in my own house is feel bad, become ignorant and have sexual innuendo and political crap forced down my throat. I can do that on my own, thank you very much. Here is a list of some of the changes in TV watching I have made for no other reason than the fact I am getting older.

  • Family Guy- I don’t know if it is me or that the writers are really reaching for material lately but I can barely last fifteen minutes into an episode without changing the channel. I guess it is because of the condescending tone of the program. It’s very partisan and they hide behind the cleverness of random flashes that rip on obscure 80’s sitcoms and pop culture. So all in all, the show has about 10 minutes worth of material and if you are don’t vote democrat than you are an idiot. Got it. Now I’m bored.
  • South Park- Loved it in 1997 and love it now. This show gets better every time I see it and you know why? Because no one is safe. They attack everyone and the episode that used anthropomorphic hilarity on Oprah’s vagina literally made me hug the TV. I bet she never imagined that her vagina to be in a parity of Al Pacino’s , Dog Day Afternoon. It’s a smart program and for that and that alone, I appreciate it.
  • MTV- I blame 9/11 on MTV because even I hate America after watching just a little bit of that crap. And that is coming from a guy who recites the Pledge Of Allegiance every time he brushes his teeth.
  • Little People Big World- Love the show, love the people and little people who play soccer is still funny. But I don’t feel bad for laughing because that show makes me appreciate all people no matter what because I think diversity is grand. I wish I had a little person as a friend.
  • The news- I watch Fox in the morning, CNN Headline on XM on the way to work and come home and watch PBS McNeil Lehrer News Hour at night. Why? Because I am old enough not to trust anything the media says and I need to take the average of three sources. Fox for the right, CNN for the left and PBS for the way the world outside the US sees it.
  • Golf- Holy shit I am getting older. I like to watch golf on TV and this is strange because I hate to play it. I think it is because of the last two times I was out with my Dad we had some complications. The first one was when my Mom became angry that someone the group behind us accidentally hit into us. I must say that his drive cleared 300+ yards and was pretty amazing so i didn’t think much of it. Mom, on the other hand, walked up to his ball and made an equally incredible hit right back at him. This breach in golf etiquette led to a quick gallop off the course and into the car. The second one I’ll save for another blog. It will have me, Dad, a fat guy in boxers, dented french doors, a nine iron and cops. All leading up to me swearing off golf forever.

That was really off topic and a little bit of a tangent. Sorry about that.


I pick fat free or reduces fat over anything regular at the grocery store. I don’t know when I started doing this but if it says it’s lower in cholesterol I will probably pick it over something that says “yummy” or “taste-plosion”. Am i concerned over my weight or blood pressure? Not really but I think we all have this built in health alarm that kicks in when our metabolism slows. Much like how babies instinctively know not to breath underwater, guys at 29 know that Cheetoes are acceptable only when baked. And also we stop wiping the cheese powder on the non exposed side of the couch.

Many of my friends have kids going to school now and that freaks me out. I can handle my buddies getting married, buying a house and even having a baby. However, the thought of my drinking buddies helping their offspring with homework while the biggest concern in my day is whether I want to have take out or just grab a salad and beer at Wild Wings freaks me out. Why it freaks me out is because I am a little jealous. But first thing is first and I should start with a dog. If i don’t over feed him and the neighborhood dogs don’t pick on him then I’ll move on to a kid.

Well, I need to get ready for another business trip. This has been a pretty lame post so I apologize. I will go to 30 with dignity but for now I am go to enjoy my twenties the best way I know how. Beer, boobs and blogs.

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Rock, Flag and Eagle

( September 12, 2001 – Bosnia )

So Veterans Day has come and gone and if it wasn’t for my channel surfing I probably would have been none the wiser. The irony is that I served six years in the Army with two combat tours and one NATO tour, so while technically I am a vet, I just don’t feel like one. To me a veteran is a lot older and wiser. They are the fathers and grandfathers who have seen Hell but you would never know it by meeting them. They are the backbone of America and I just don’t feel that I am someone who can or should fill those shoes. My service isn’t something I like to talk about because I have lost some friends in both Afghanistan and Iraq. I have also had friends come back severely injured. This alone will keep me from boasting vet status so to me, these guys are the vets and really they are my heroes. Thanks Chris, Steven, Chuckle, Dwayne, Brian, Tee Dum, SSG Lynn and B. Berserk. You are never forgotten. That’s all I have to say about that.

So, just like how I deal with everything and the constant running theme of VeggieMacabre, here’s a little humor to lighten to mood.

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Putting the “Me” in “Extreme” with the Ultimate Warrior

In every profession there comes a time when thoughts drift to where the grass grows greener. I think I am there. It’s not that I am unhappy, it’s just that always being on the move is wearing me down and I would love to be in one state for more than just a couple of weeks. But before I can even think about jumping head first into the interview process again I need to revamp my style. Now that I have a few years of corporate experience I really need to have a more direct and aggressive approach to knock the socks off any CEO or senior exec. I need inspiration. Who can help me with this?

Screen Shot 2014-04-09 at 10.06.16 AM

 

Ah, The Ultimate Warrior! The guy would put passion into every syllable he speaks, whether it makes sense or not. Most believe he is completely crazy but I find a little genius in his madness. Who else can go on a screaming rant about planets, trees, Grimlock Systems, multiple gods, and poodles without so much as a shrug from the audience. Granted they were the type of people who thought wrestling was most definitely real and Ultimate Warrior goes home each night to his spaceship but that is beside the point. The point is he can win the hearts and minds of anyone with a whole bunch of nothing and if I am going to swing my resume at a fortune five company, I want to have that gift. Here’s an example of what I am talking about. Enjoy.

Let’s see…..I got logs, fire, Hercules, flames that go up and down and that’s about it. See what I mean? There is no real congruent thought process going on there but for some reason I feel compelled to agree with what ever he says. I think he can help me put the “me” in “extreme”. Let’s study another video shall we?

Look at that intensity! How can any interviewer deny the dedication of someone who approaches them with mouth agape and hissing? I would skip the whole “You’re not worthy enough to breathe the same air as me.” I doubt that would be appreciated right off the bat so that line will be put in the back pocket for a later date. I will use it, though. Just give me time. Maybe I should practice a simulated interview before I go full on with the real thing? Hmmmm….I need more inspiration.

Ok, that was a little over the top but I think I have it! I do need to work on my snorts but over all I think I have the gist of it. Now it is only me here tonight. All my buddies are having fondue date night or some lame ass thing so this practice interview will take a little imagination, a little dress up, and a total disregard for any dignity I may have left. Ahhh….if you have been a reader of VeggieMacabre you know I have kissed my dignity away a long time ago. Anyway, this is only helping my future in corporate America. Right? Keep in mind I am 29 and this is my Saturday night.

Interviewer: Let’s see….. who is next? Bill….

“Wendy, could you go ahead and send in my 9:00?”

Interviewer: H…hello, you must be Bill. Please have a seat? Would you care for a cup of coffee?

Me: Isssssssss it extREME?

Interviewer: I think it is just regular. Well, let’s get going. I have a copy of your resume and you have the experience and meet the education requirements but I was wondering about your cover letter. “I’m fucking awesome?” that seems a little….direct. Don’t you think? And it’s misspelled too.

Me: YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO TALK TO ME, NORMAL. YOU DON’T EVEN DESERVE TO BREATH THE SAME ..er…ahem…I was going for a straight on approach. After all, isn’t that what a cover letter really says, anyway?

Interviewer: Ah, that does make sense. I admire your candor and honesty. Are you familiar with the history of our company?

Me: Back when the gods aligned the planets in the grimlock system I WAS FORMED TO UNDERSTAND THAT only I can grasp the miSSION STATE-MENT of your placccccccccccce of paycheck origon. So yes I am familiar and that is why I feel I can be not only an asset to it’s future but someday be a relic of it’s history.

Interviewer: Very good. If you could choose one thing to be your weakest trait what would that be?

Me: *SNOOORRRRRT* THE SMELLLLL OF COMMMBAT drives me mmmmMMAD! That and I have always had an impatient attitude from outside contractors of the work breakdown structure plan. I need to delegate more effectively from inside the scope.

Interviewer: Ok then, so what do you feel is your strongest?

Me: DO YOU ASK YOUR GOD THIS QUESTION WITHOUT BEING BURNED LIKE A FOREST TREE UNDER LIGHTNING? LOAD THE SPACESHIPS WITH THE ROCKET FUEL! But really I think the training with the airlines and the MBA tasks this year alone has prepared me and sharpened my strongest assets…..so I guess it is the ability to inspire teamwork. Normal.

Wendy: Mr. Larson, your daughter has comeback from the art class in the conference room. Should I send her in?

Interviewer: Oh shoot. Sorry Bill, it is “Take your daughter to work day”.

Yes Wendy, send her in.

Bill: *snortttttt* (long exhale) No problem at all.

Interviewer: Meet my daughter, Lola.

Bill: YOUR OFFSPRING LOOKS A LOT LIKE YOU! STOP LOOKING AT ME NORMAL ONE!


Interviewer: OH My God!


I think we are done here.

Bill: So…..should I call or will you guys call me…?

Interviewer: Get out.

Well, maybe the pumpkin simulation of the brief interview process shed some light why the Ultimate Warrior maybe a little more than I needed after all. But I sure like his style. Plus, he can’t be all that bad. He’s anti smoking!

*Sorry you were subjected to this tonight. I was just burned out from studying and needed to regress a little.*

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Annual Halloween Theme Sitcoms No More

 When did the Halloween season become a money loser for prime time TV? I remember when the top shows would advertise for the last week of October like it was sweeps month. Now I know some shows like The Office have had their one Halloween themed episode but that was it. There is no annual anticipation anymore. Here is a look back at my favorite sitcoms that we could always count on for their effort to out-do the previous year. And no, The Simpsons; Tree House Of Horror isn’t on the list, that’s in November.

  This is one of my favorites growing up. I really can’t figure out why because the dry English humor must have been way over head as an eight year old. What ever the reason was I have fond memories of watching the Halloween episode while my dad cut out cardboard armor for my knight Halloween costume because like usual, I made him buy me a $30 accesory (the helmet) and had no plan for the rest. I love you Mr. Belvedere, you fat old English bastard! Lets have a look.

 

Now I have to admit that when Silver Spoons came out I was still pissing the bed but I remember the Halloween episode with such clarity I can even remember what was for dinner that night. Granted it was episode number 49 and Rick Schrouder was in middle school, it was still a while ago. The one thing about Silver spoons is the theme song will stick in your head until you die.

 True story: I was in Halmark a couple of years ago huffing Yankee candles and humming the theme song to Silver Spoons when out of the blue another guy began to hum it with me. Before i knew it we broke out in song, much to the embarrassment of our significant others at the time. “Together, we’re going to find away…You and IIIIIIII, Togetherrr…”  And we even ended on the air guitar. Then we nodded at each other and made our way back to our girlfriends. Who ever that dude was, bless you.

   Lets take a gander at the Halloween episode of Silver Soons with the awesome intro voice!

 

   Oh boy, the Facts Of Life. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and and then you have….a show that got me beat up in elementary school for admitting to having seen. I will say that I have watched it now it is 20 years later and safely away from Bobby Simmons. For some strange reason I had a crush on Joe and looking back I can’t figure out why? I guess I have a thing for Italian chicks. I think this year I am going to be Natalie for Halloween.

  Now we go to the more recent but definitely dated shows. Roseanne is the one show I have never really gotten into until it has become a 3am hit on Nick@Nite. More over I never really was aware that the show had an annual Halloween episode that always tries to out do the last Halloween episode. And for that, I love you Roseanne. I never imagined myself saying that, but it is true. Sorry to step on your toes Tom, but i love you Roseanne. God I really do need help, don’t I?

 

   Finally for today’s post we end with my favorite pick for the best Halloween episodes and that is the great mid-west classic Home Improvement. I think I was at the age to really get into the Home Improvement era. It was after Alf but right before America’s Funniest Videos so I was really tuned into the idiotic humor that Tim Allen always managed to pull off. The Halloween episodes were classic in every sense, primarily because of the creative gist the show was founded on. I mean, who can afford to throw a Halloween party like the Taylors? The YouTube selections were really bad but if you squint hard enough you can make out my favorite episode when the annoying kid gets his after being a prick. I love that show.

  Well, for all those who read this keep Halloween close to your heart. It’s an American tradition and even if today’s sitcoms forget about it doesn’t mean we have to. We always have the oldies that I wish ABC, NBC and CBS would, at least for the last week of October, air instead of the crap that is out today. I do mean crap. I watched Greys Anatomy a couple of months ago and gave the TV the bird no less than 300 times.

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