Where Did You Go? X-Mas Addition

Tis the season to be watching tons of the most merry programing and movies Hollywood has to offer. Even though I consider the Halloween season to be the most anticipated time of the year for fun TV, the Christmas season is arguably the most popular. Why I say this is because of all the cable channels that are 100% dedicated to the Holidays like AMC, Hallmark, Lifetime, ABC Family, QVC and TMC. Plus, Christmas movies outnumber any other holiday movies probably 51,687,342 to 1. So today I am going to pick a few of the 51,687,342 Christmas movies and see what the actors are up to today. I hope there are not too many dead.

“Stuck? Stuuuck? STUUUUUCCCKKK!!!”

Poor Flick. The kid that proved sticking your tongue to a flagpole is not an urban legend like previously believed. His role in the Christmas movie to end all Christmas movies, The Christmas Story, was really a prominent role to me. I think it was because he captured what kids were really like and that was his high pitch, shrill screams he belted. Bravo Scott Schwartz!

Holy Jingle Bells! Since his most famous role as Flick, it looks like Scott Schwartz has gotten his tongue stuck on more things than a flagpole. Unbelievably so, Scott made a pretty good run in the porn business through the 90’s. It never ceases to amaze me when writing these “catch up” articles what a few of these childhood stars delve into. But to be fair, he has done other things like his other famous role in The Toy and many after school specials. Today he runs a card shop with his dad and still acts in lower budget movies. His porn star days look like they have gone the way of the Dodo. I mean he is only 5 foot 6 so how impressive could he be? I’m just stating what others think.

“I am not a piece of undigested potato, you fucking dick-hole warrior!”

I don’t know if I quoted that completely accurate but I think I am pretty close. Anyway, Frank Finlay played the ghostly assistant to Scrooge (George C. Scott), Marley in the 1984 made for TV movie Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. And holy holly shit, Marley scared the nog out of me. Really though, that part of the story was always the most unnerving. Much more than the Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come.

Frank is one of those actors that has been a film legend but has not been privy in my limitless film knowledge because, well, that knowledge is reserved for films like Flight Of The Navigator and Mega Shark 3 (director’s cut). No, Frank is a “serious” British actor that has been in so many films, plays and TV specials from the 1950’s to present, I couldn’t read off the list without taking a pee break. But in that whole list that I am not willing to type, I really only recognized a few like The Pianist, Life Force (amazing space vampire movie) and The Three Musketeers followed a year later by The Four Musketeers (no idea). So with that, thanks Frank. Thanks for scaring the figgy pudding out of me on the most joy-est day of the year.

“Dinosaurs are always linked to the birth of Christ” (Almost made that 10, Norb)

I don’t know if you will remember the “Claymation Christmas Special” but if you do, you will be just as outraged as I am that this isn’t a Christmas classic like “Merry Christmas Charlie Brown” or” How The Grinch Stole Christmas”. No, this amazing TV special died with the dawn of Pixar animation because let’s face it; claymation takes artistic talent and computer geeks out number them 10 to 1. You can probably find the clay animators working for “Ace of Cakes” or something.

So where are our hosts Rex and Douches-Tricer-whocaresish?

Like you didn’t already know that?

“Santa, there is a little boy who wears bear sweaters and corduroy pants that lives in Marietta, Georgia. I think his style is amazing and I totally want to go steady with a guy like that.”

That was actually in the 1985 movie Santa Clause and the actress Carrie Kei Heim said that. I think they edited it out in the TV formated version but I remember it.

Seriously though, I had a huge crush on the young actress as a kid. And if you are a 31-year-old straight male that remembers 1985, you did too. Unfortunately she wasn’t in too many other movies other than Parent Trap II and a few TV programs like “Pippi Longstocking” and “The Equilizer”. No matter, though because she has a successful life as a lawyer, wife and mother of one in Boston. I like learning that child actors have another destiny besides being a guest on “The Smoking Gun TV show”.

That’s where I am going to leave this addition of “Where Did You Go” for the 2009 Christmas season. We learned that Flick’s pole licking led him to a carrier in pornography, Marley is arguably the scariest of the ghosts in The Christmas Carol (except for Goofy), Claymation is awesome and the only way for a comeback is to go buy your own Play-do set, and the cute girl in Santa Clause grew up to be boring and a lawyer. So that means she is damned to Hell. Well, that’s pretty interesting.

December 16, 2009 7

Where Did You Go? Part 12

Man, I havn’t done one of these for a while. Actually, I haven’t done much of anything on here for a while. And for that, I am sorry. So to make amends, I am writing this pants-less with large foam sombrero on my head. The things I do for you people. Now let’s get down to business.

“Graaaaaaaaace!” Holy shit, this lady is one of my favorites. It is Edie McClurg, the round, bubbly, chipper mid-western lady that occasionally will drop an F-bomb. Everything about her, I love. And it is not just because she has been in John Hughes films. Although that is a big part. What am I talking about? Between Ed Rooney’s secretary role and her role in Planes Trains and Automobiles, she can do no wrong with me. In fact, even if those were her only two times on the silver screen, she would still be a huge star to me.

But even though she rocked the last half of the eighties, her type-cast didn’t hold her back from continuing a very busy career all the way to today. She started satirical acting at a young age and was even a voice in the 1960’s cartoon The Jetsons. (How awesome would it be if she was Astro?) Her first real movie role was Carrie an since then she has been in John Hughes’ films, Oliver Stone’s Natural Born Killers, voice overs for Pixar movies and numerous of TV shows like Small Wonders, Diff’ent Strokes, Mr. Belvedere, Sienfeld, Rosanne and so many others. Oddly enough she was never in an episode of Murder She Wrote. There goes that theory. But still, her role as Grace the secretary made her what she is for me today: a sex symbol I am not proud of. Rowr…

If you look close, that is Edie in the shower. Yeah, I need to get out more.

I forget who requested Wyatt from Weird Science but here you go. His real name is Ilan Mitchell and was discovered by a talent agent at a ballet studio in Massachusetts. Yeah, speaking of weird. From then he went on to a brief but successful acting career including, of course, Weird Science, The Chocolate War, the TV series Superboy and few others. To be perfectly honest, I only remember him as Wyatt and have very fuzzy memories of Superboy. But that is okay because…

he wasn’t meant to be an actor but rather a real life professor.

It’s true, Ilam went from Weird Science to Weird-Beard and also…total…denim. Sorry, that distracted me. What was I saying? Ah yes, Ilam is married with two kids and is an assistant professor of English. Oddly enough his wife never knew of his acting career until one day she confessed to loving The Chocolate War. That is when Ilam not only confessed to loving The Chocolate War as well but also to staring in it. TA DA! I don’t know what is more disturbing; being married to the star of your favorite movie and not knowing it or not knowing you’re married to the star of the John Hughes 1986 classic, Weird Science. Either way, that is a great excuse for domestic violence.

Please don’t think that I am about to do what you think I am. I am actually curious to see what Chris Burke, who played Corky Thatcher in the early 1990’s hit show Life Goes On, is up to today. And looking to IBDM for a reference it seems that Chris has been on a few other shows like ER and Touched By An Angle. There are others but to be honest, if the role he plays in Life Goes On, Touched By An Angle and ER is the same, is it worth listing? That’s what I thought too.

I might be alone on this but did it piss anyone off that his family nicknamed him “Corky” on Life Goes On? If you have a downs syndrome kid, don’t give him a fucking nickname. Especially if it is cute and ends in a “Y”. AT LEAST Chris was able to rise above it. In an interview he said:

“People said I could never become an actor because I’m retarded. It goes to show you that anyone can make their dreams a reality… unless they’re brain dead.”

Holy Fuck.

In my quest to see what Chris is up to, I found this on YouTube and had to sit for awhile after. There are somethings that leave me unable to add anything to them. This is one of those times. If there are small children in the room, you might want to ask them to leave now.

So…anyone for a chip? Yeah, I lost my appetite too.

November 9, 2009 13

Am I Alone On This?

I would love to see the Heenes have a reality show. True they exploited their kids in a ridiculous plot that had the world, me included, praying the kid would be okay but if you go to any child beauty pageant or talent agency you’ll see some real scary parents. I’m just saying, I would change my schedule around if the Heenes had a show. And most likely buy seasonal DVD’s. If Mike Vick can come back for doing the unthinkable, I believe we have it in our hearts to forgive the Heenes and watch their insanity from the safety of our couch. I mean, the kid’s name is Falcon and he blew chunks on national TV. This is gold people! And if Mr. Heene would say “one point twenty one gigawatts!” I would be a loyal fan for life.

Jon and Kate Gosselin is a perfect example of what money and fame will do to your soul if you let it. It’s not fair for me to say that they love their thrust to stardom more than their kids but it doesn’t look good for them. I have been watching the show since it started and while my manhood just took a hit for admitting that, I really did like it. It was a “feel-good” show that reminded us that there is still family value programing in television. Well, when the bucks started flowing, Kate started jet-setting across the country on book tours and Jon changed from mild-mannered prep to biker-douche, the show’s premise took a backseat. And that premise is their beautiful kids. I can only imagine how confused all those kids are right now.

What the fuck is The Hills? Is it a reality show or are they actors? I breeze past MTV while channel surfing because if you stay on that channel too long you risk getting what doctors call hippodropadumpess where you will actually shit your own hippocampus. It’s true. Look it up. Anyway, my friend is a huge Hills fan and I just don’t get it. But it’s safe to say that the dickhole above needs to be killed off the show. So, I kind of hope it is a reality show after all. 🙂

I’m going to say it. If I disappear than you will know they got me. Oprah sucks. Now before the men in black take me away for slandering one of the top people who control the world let me explain. My mom is a big fan of hers. Anything that Oprah says is good, Mom will buy. Anything that Oprah says is bad, Mom will denounce. There is such a large demographic that her show reaches Oprah has the ability to control the masses. She controls my mother. Hopefully she hasn’t already gotten to you.

When I asked Mom why she was such an Oprah follower she told me that Oprah was very personable and was easy to identify with. I had no idea that she can identify with a multi billionaire that has a yacht the size of the USS Roosevelt and has a staff that contractually obligated to secrecy. In that case, Mom must think I am from the planet Plee Blip.

I have a theory that Oprah eats children. Oops, I have said too much. They are definitely coming for me now.

I think I need to read more books.

Edit: Just finished watching “Brothers and Sisters” on ABC. It’s a good thing that I don’t believe in guns (as a non hunter) because I would have shot myself. Most likely blown off Rupert. That show probably gave me diabetes. There is a point when ‘cute’ is ‘sick’. This show…fuck. There are no words. Ok, there are. But I can’t say that infront of the ladies.

October 26, 2009 39

Scary? Meh. Creepy? You Betcha

Last night I finally pulled my head out of the books and reintroduced myself with the outside world. Not as scary as I built it up to be. Actually, seeing people going about doing their Friday night thing was a welcomed change to what sick people do any given night of the week. Man, hospitals are growing old . Anywho, I decided to go grab dinner and see a movie. But not just some random movie like the bullshit that was thrust on us this summer but a very much anticipated independently made film that has been on my “must see” list ever since it was introduced to a film fest in 2007. I know you have heard the hype about this too. Paranormal Activity.

I don’t think I will go too far into the movie about how it came to be a nation wide blockbuster but I will say what I walked away with. This film finally accomplished what most horror movies fail to do; genuinely creep me out. I don’t believe I have had that happen to me in the theater in some time. I mean, horror directors like Zombie and Eli Roth do a great job of disturbing me through gore and violence, but they couldn’t even dream of creeping me out. They make movies for brain-dead teenagers. Paranormal Activity is a totally different bag of Swedish fish. There is thought, creativity, no CGI, brilliant acting, and a building tension that will literally have your muscles twitching from squeezing the armrest.

As much as I loved this film it is not the scariest that I have seen. But probably the most creepy. Yes, it is a Blair Witch type genre movie and there are times when you actually believe this is not a mockumetory but the real home video. And that is the acting. If it was not for the two amazing actors, this film would fail. And in a world full of empty-headed movie viewers that have to see the monster rather that using imagination, it is a real risk to put the film in the hands of two people.

Speaking of creepy, I want to share scenes from movies that give me the creeps so you can judge where I am coming from.

The Ring:

I know that I am probably dumbing this blog down by claiming the movie The Ring to be one of the creepiest that I have seen but…I guess I am dumb. The movie as a whole was not very scary but this scene took me from expecting a “teen horror pop film” to a chill so deep I almost threw my VCR out that very night. I suppose it was because I knew nothing of it before I saw it in the theaters.

Jaws:

This is a scary movie. Quite possibly the scariest that I have ever seen and it hits all points of fear: scared of the unknown, being eaten alive, alien enviroment, dark places, and of course the helplessness. The particular scene that got me the worst was when Alex Kittner was attacked and everyone just stood there in a panic on the beach. The only view we had of the shark was the massive rollover of the dorsal and pectoral fin giving us a pretty good idea how large this fish was. Fucking enormous. I can still hear that poor kid coughing underwater as he was pulled down and devoured.

The Haunted(1991):

This made for TV movie has a definite WE or Lifetime feel to it but when I saw it at 12 years old back in the nineties, I think my bedroom lights were on for the rest of the year. Now almost 20 years later I can still see why. It has a genuine creepiness through simple bumps and whispers. When you take a normal family in a suburb that experience unexplainable events that progress to evil acts in the safety of their own home, you just can’t help but think of that in bed at midnight.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose:

Again, not a very scary film but the creeps are all over this. I don’t know if she was possessed or not but the scene of her contorted on the floor staring at her boyfriend as he slept made my feet go cold. There is nothing more disturbing than having someone stare at you in your most vulnerable state.

Learn from my mistakes! The night I saw this with my ex-girlfriend we went to bed and she was pretty riled up from the film. A few hours later I woke up to use the restroom and came back to bed. For some reason it seemed like a good idea to “act out” the same scene when Emily was contorted and lying on the floor, staring right at her. I coughed a few times to wake her and when she came to and realized I wasn’t beside her she looked around the room and called for me. She sat up and looked right at me being a total asshole on the floor and holy shit! She freaked out. There was screaming and tears. I didn’t think it was that scary. Makes you wonder why we didn’t last, huh?

So to recap, go see Paranormal Activity. But remember, the fear doesn’t come in the theater quite like it does at 2am from the safety of your own bed. Man, now that is brilliant film making.

October 20, 2009 9

2009 Fall Beer Review: Part 2

Goodness, it’s almost the middle of October already? That is insane and really the only reason it hit me today is the fact that my face is numb from walking downtown tonight. That hasn’t happened since April here. And you know what that means? Fuckin’ snow is just around the corner and I will be bitching and moaning. Just letting you know that ahead of time.

But before I switch gears to winter wonderland I am still full throttle in the celebration of Samhain. So onto a new beer review focusing on one great brew company and a smaller micro. I just love tasting pumpkins, hay rides, campfires, Reese’s Pieces, ghosts and Charlie Brown in an alcoholic beverage. Perhaps I think of this too much.

This evening I am going to start off with a very popular beer company from the country that made Oktoberfest what it is. The Munich, Germany company, Spatan, has been rocking great beer since (get this) 1397. Holy shit, now that is worth bragging rites. They were making beer when the Spanish Inquisition was going on. You know, no one is prepared for the Inquisition.

I figured a backdrop of peanut butter M&Ms would suit this nicely. (That’s for you Lacey) To be honest, if this beer didn’t have Oktoberfest on the label, I would never imagine this to be a Fall beer. It has more of a Summer/Spring taste to be honest. The light body and very little aftertaste leaves one wondering, why Oktoberfest? This should be “Spring-enzi Deutch” if I was to name it. Actually, I kind of like that. No one steal that, okay?

I know I hammered on Spatan about it’s lighter body for an Oktoberfest beer but I really like the taste. You can imagine eating bratwurst with this, I am sure. But if you were sitting outside with a lit Jack-o-Lantern, wrapped in a Snuggie and passing out KitKats, this beer wouldn’t hold Halloween weight. I think I may risk skunking the beer and save a few 6 packs for next year’s boat parties. Hotdogs and watermelon would be a treat with this Spatan special.

Whoa! Hoptober comes at you with both fists! Let me start out by saying, I love IPA (Indian Pale Ales). There are fireworks and fairy dust that fly every time I take a sip of a great bitter IPA. Hoptober Golden Ale does that like no other. This is the beer you want on chilly evenings listening to Edgar Allen Poe-etry around a campfire.

The company that makes Hoptober (amazing name) is Belgium Brewing Company out of Fort Collins, Colorado. To be honest, as a very novus beer connoisseur, I am not familiar with them. I will say that the label drew attention immediately. See? I’m a novus. Really, I can only speculate that the painting is of a bunch of crazed circus freaks dancing in the nude around a campfire during broad daylight. That’s weird, macabre and strange; all three things I find next to godliness. Extra points, Hoptober!

I believe you have to be an IPA fan to really enjoy this beer. It has a bite, a little bitter and an aftertaste that will require either a cigarette or licking the face of Fran Drescher to alleviate the palate. So Zima drinkers beware, you may be in for a disappointment. But really, if you are a Zima drinker you probably have a life of disappointments anyway. Do they even make that shit anymore?

Sorry if you are a Zima drinker. I’m not one to judge and that was a pretty mean comment. Seriously though, expand your horizons. 🙂 Where was I? Oh yeah, Hoptober Golden Ale is the winner in my book. If you are fortunate to find this, buy it and drink it while carving something. The season of the dead emanates from the bottle and it inspires…almost anything!

CARVING RANDOM SHIT 2009!!!

If you know me or have been a follower on my blog, Veggiemacabre, then you know I have this weird addiction to Reduced Fat Triscuits. It has become such a staple in my diet that I believe if I were on death row, my last meal probably would include these crackers. Call me crazy but I love these woven wheat crackers so much, I really came close to naming my cat Triscuit. Looks like my first born will have the pleasure of the name instead.

It turns out these boxes are a pretty good canvas for Jack-o-lantern faces. Way better than the oval and circular objects of the past. The problem is the hollow box can be less protective of the crotch when you are jamming a knife into the flimsy cardboard. Most people would have known that.

So one close call to Rupert and the Diablo Twins and a lap full of cardboard shreds, this is what I have created.

Notice the action-shot fear in my cat’s face when she saw the demonic Triscuit box? Bet she’ll never sit on my laptop keyboard again. Well, actually I am sure she will. Training her is like telling plate tectonics to stop.

Spatan Oktoberfest: B-

I really liked the taste but to me, it does not qualify as a Fall beer. I know these guys have been brewing beer when Columbus’ great grandfather was born and the Surfs were surfing but I just can’t stop thinking of beach balls and cookouts when I drink it. They get a B for their 1397 age and a minus for the Oktober.

Hoptober Golden Ale: A

A solid A for the hoppy IPA that has a little sweetness. The sweetness reminds me of the spices of Fall. I dig that. Plus, the cover art makes my mind go to dark places. And really, isn’t that what where we want our mind to go on the day of the dead?

I kind of regret telling everyone what I named my manhood. Happy Halloween!

Correction Comment:

“Just a comment to correct a few inaccuracies. There is no such thing as an “Oktoberfest” beer as Oktoberfest is not a celebration of beer, but rather a celebration of Bavarian culture. Bavarian beer is traditionally very light. I will also add, since almost no one seems to know this, Oktoberfest takes place at the end of September, running until very early October.

The beer is called Spaten, not Spatan. It takes it’s name from the Spaten-Franziskaner-Bräu, which makes the excellent hefeweizen bier Franziskaner.

Anyways, just a comment from a German who does not like fallacies about their culture.”

Thanks for setting me straight. I will do a Polka Dance of Apology.

October 13, 2009 39

Category: TV

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