Come check out the ten day countdown both here and over at RtWTV! I promise it to be something to get you into the Christmas spirit or at least let you know what to avoid at a bargain store.
Candy Cane Culture Clash: Part 2
You may remember last year’s rundown I did featuring unorthodox candy canes of the season. Oh you don’t? Well here is the link and just to recap, I tested each flavor and compared them to the original candy (i.e. did the Starbursts candy canes taste like Starburst candy yadda yadda yadda) It was a bit of a stretch and there was absolutely no scientific method followed so in reality nothing was accomplished, but that wasn’t the point. The point was to write 3,000 words about candy and tie it into a Christmas theme. That’s what I did then, and this is what I am going to do now. May I present to you the…
I am in my mid-thirties. I just stacked seven boxes of candy canes on my coffee table and photographed them. This is something that I am neither proud of nor happy to admit but for the sake of this blog, I have done far worse.
It looks like we have a few new selections from prominent candy companies to chat about. It’s hard to know where to start so it looks like I am going to put them in a circle and spin a bottle. Just as my luck foretells, this will surely allow me to review the worst one first. That has always been my “spin the bottle” luck, but really, it doesn’t matter if the worst is first because I am not much of a candy fan and until they start making Christmas Triscuits, I am stuck with candy canes.
Oh! One more tid-bit. This year I will actually be comparing the canes to the like candies in REAL TIME!! I know that means dick in the blogging format but it’s fun for me so BACK OFF! That’s enough caps for now.
I knew it. This would be the first one because it was the one I was least excited about. Smarties never blow my skirt up and above all it’s a Halloween candy so turning them into a Christmas decor was like carving a Holly Jolly Jack-o-lantern. Zed’s dead, man. Zed’s dead.
To show how little I do care for Smarties I proved this by buying a package of Sweetarts on accident. I never even considered these two to be different. crucify me if you must but it’s just not my bag. So as my penance I was forced to leave my house and be the only jackhole to buy a bag of Smarties after Halloween for $3.20. I bought the Sweetarts ala cart for .07. That’s a difference of 821%!!! Math is also phonetically pronounced “frroopt”, too.
Oh yeah, when I ran to the grocery store to get the right candy it was around 11:00 at night and I really didn’t feel like having any human interaction with the checkout clerk. I was buying a bag of Smarties and no explaining was to be done. So, I opted for the self-checkout.
Fuck.
So here is the point. These candy canes taste nothing like Sweet Tarts but exactly like Smarties. I know what you are thinking, “no shit” but this has a bigger implication on me. I found out that Sweet Tarts are okay and Smarties are dull PEZ so that makes these candy canes pointless though they really do taste exactly alike. 5 out of 10 turkey fryer fires
The jelly bean has always been an Easter candy until that fateful day when Jelly Belly came into existence forcing all of us to eat jelly beans 450 days a year. Then the Jelly Belly Company invaded Christmas and I am sure I will be eating these while celebrating independence. Thanks Jelly Belly for taking my calendar and turning it into a pee-pad.
This package has three major flavors of Jelly Belly beans and they are Very Cherry, Juicy Pear and Sizzling Cinnamon. I say they are major flavors because in any given assortment bag of Jelly Bellies these are the ones you are most likely to get. Unfortunately there aren’t a true array of Jelly Belly flavors in cane-form because the people at Jelly Belly Company are so amazing at mimicking flavors, they could have had awesome novelty flavored candy canes like Jones Soda of yesteryear with turkey flavors or green bean casserole. If that were true this would be a love article about Jelly Belly disgusting candy canes and how I use them as a pretend microphone, singing to strangers in a Party City about how much I love Christmas.
The taste in comparison to the original candy is identical. I knew it would be. The only questionable one is the Juicy Pear because in a blind taste test, Green Apple can be a sneaky prick and fool you into thinking it’s pear. Get out of here, Green Apple! You had your day! 8 out of 10 Griswold Christmas Tree Squirrels.
Now & Later candy is exactly what gives a dentist night sweats. It only recently hit me that the name Now & Later really has a true meaning because they are so tough on the teeth that you eat these things now and will be eating the same piece much much later. This is public enemy number one to all crowns.
It’s kind of funny to see the candy’s package boasting they are now softer.
The canes were actually a bit more tart and that is a welcome surprise since Now & Later is kind of nondescript candy other than the texture that can both shatter and bind your lower and upper jaw together. It’s some sort of sorcery. This package has a few varieties like grape, watermelon, apple and strawberry. I tested the strawberry because it was the first one out of the package. These were actually pretty good and it managed to retain that “this has a shelf life of ten million years” aftertaste which makes Now & Laters what they are: plastic. 7 out of 10 seasick crocodiles
Dum-Dums! This is one of my favorite insults. Much like Smarties, I always consider this a Halloween novelty but lately my career has me traveling to many different offices and I have noticed in the waiting rooms, Dum-Dum suckers have replaced the ever-present strawberry candy. Why do I even take notice of such things??? Oh yeah, this is my blog full of such nonsense.
Jumping right to the chase, Dum-Dum suckers have dropped the sick and became one with the Christmas season. This package has a few of the same flavors every other candy has including the ever-present blue raspberry. I am not a fan of blue raspberry. I decided to stick with cherry again and wouldn’t you know it, no real taste difference so the novelty is more than just a feeble attempt to cash in on Christmas. But really, I think by this time in the review my sugar high is to a point of delirium. 5 out of 10 massive christmas light cord tangle balls
Okay, I need a break before the inevitable sugar crash. It’s happening now.
Looks like Brachs is even dipping into the Valentine’s Day stash and giving us Red Hots candy canes. I will be honest, at first glance I wasn’t thrilled about reviewing these because when it comes to cinnamon, it’s just cinnamon. Really hard to put a fun twist on that though fifty-four billion have tried. Then I thought, “I remember this candy to be an ever-lasting atomic death ball that would scorch my pre-teen mouth. Sounds fun!”
So I bought them. Then my head came out of my butt when I realized that these candy canes aren’t Atomic Fire Ball candy but the puss Red Hots that littered the bottom of a shoebox/valentine holder. I am not sure why I made that mistake since it CLEARLY READ “RED HOTS” on the box.
They tasted like cinnamon. Fin. 3 out of 10 Nakatomi Towers
Trolli Sour Brite Canes, I will admit, were the most anticipated candy canes for me only because of the similarity to last year’s Sour Patch Kids minus the granulated sugar. The original candy is sour gummy worms which are divided into two flavors so I figured the two-flavored candy canes would be an easy winner. The only trepidation I have with Trolli is…
..the mutha fuckin’ worms! God, it’s like a cross between a nightmare and a German children’s book! I can’t tell if it’s the eyes or the “To Catch A Predator” grin. That Santa hat doesn’t hide the fact this worm wants to communicate with kids in AOL chatrooms, show up to their house to eat cookies and sit when ever Chris Hanson tells it to.
The candy is actually pretty comparable to the gummy worms and though there are two different flavors in each, I can say they kept true to the original combinations. Overall, if you like tart and fruit flavored candy canes, you should dig these. 8 out of 10 Ruby Deagle electric stair chairs
Warheads! I remember when these were first introduced to the public back in back in the late 1980’s. I am sure they were around before that but not as the Warhead candy we know today. I used to love them but when the palate becomes mature, the love of beets and garlic take the place of super sour candy and what a weird parabola that is! That’s why there is an unimpressed cat looking at them.
I tried to find like originals to the candy canes and this was as close as I could get. Stuck with another blue raspberry. The War Head was pretty extreme and I wasn’t very excited to try another sour candy right after as a comparison, but lucky for me, the candy canes are the opposite from their original base. Instead of starting out sour and going sweet, these start sweet and have the sour powder inside. I found that to be welcomed.
But were they the same? Not even close. That’s a good thing! 9 out of 10 Yankee Candle Mistletoe Car Scents
Finally, I finish with these Dr. Seuss-looking candy canes. They have no other candy comparison unless you consider pie a comparable original. Curly Canes are more for look than taste because with such a generic theme like pie, these guys could go anywhere. And they did. I will say, watch out for Banana Cream Pie. It tastes like hot garbage. But the cool packaging and loopy shapes make this a winning addition to the holiday. And there is no way this cane will fall off a tree limb. 8 out of 10 Advent Calendar X-E Countdowns of Yesteryear
This was fun! All of these Candy Canes were around $3.50 per box so not a real hit on the wallet unless you buy all of these varieties at once. If anyone wants to come over, I have a few hundred candy canes for you.
I have to go to the dentist now. Teeth aren’t suppose to become loose after sneezing, right? I find that to be weird.
Death By A Chicken Wing
So last week I unintentionally changed the course of my desire to ever eat spicy foods again. I ingested something so hot, so painful, so unbelievably not for human consumption that for the better part of the night I sat in the shower and contemplated calling the hospital. And it was all for a bloody t-shirt.
Let me give you a little back story before I admit to eating pepto pills off a public restroom floor because to not have would have meant certain death.
Over the past few years I have been obsessed with spicy food challenges, hot sauces, peppers and really anything that makes a mouth unhappy. I really can’t answer why this has been such a fascination of mine but I will say if there is a person to blame, I blame Adam Richman of Man vs Food. Since its inception into the Travel Channel lineup, I have seen him ingest some of the hottest and most insane eating challenges this nation has to offer and every episode ends with me stating “I can to that”.
No I can’t.
East Coast Wings is a franchise that originated about five miles down the street from my house and it’s obvious what they specialize in. There must be about fifty different flavors of wings and over fifteen levels of spice starting with the meek mild and going all the way to the absurd. But there is one level to rule the other levels of heat. It’s the Insanity sauce and it’s so hot you have to sign a waiver and you can only eat one wing at a time. This was something that I had to try.
I have come to believe that many waiver forms for amusement are just gimmicks meant to lure people in thinking they are doing something dangerous when in all actuality, the real danger was the drive to the event. I have such a skeptical view on these challenges when you are asked to sign your life away. But “…external and internal tissue damage…” did catch my eye.
I forget how I managed to talk my girlfriend into accompanying me on this adventure but after a long day of football and drinking, I think she wanted to witness this about as much as I wanted to earn a t-shirt. Because it was such a long day of said activities, I had an empty tank and was pretty hungry so it was a challenge enough not to eat the Texas toast that was meant to qualm the fire I was about to ingest. The sugar and milk? That’s for babies.
Finally the “Insanity Wing” had arrived and it was go-time. There were a few spectators at 11:30 on a Saturday night who wanted to see what was going to happen but I didn’t even think about the possibility of giving them any entertainment other than watching a half-drunk guy look uncomfortable for a few minutes. It’s not that I was being cocky or even overly confident, I have taken on a few of these challenges before with little more than heartburn to speak of. I have even eaten a whole ghost pepper and while that was extraordinarily stupid, I survived and recovered a couple of hours later. This was only one wing, after all.
There is only one speed to take on these challenges and that is FAST. I ate this wing as if it was still on a live chicken. It’s not really something you can savor. I will say the burn on the mouth and throat was pretty intense but not nearly as bad as I have had before. But just when I thought I had this challenge beat, it hit my stomach. And that’s when my Hell began.
I have never had that happen to me before! In less than a second I had a burning coal trying to break through my abdomen just an inch below my sternum. I quietly excused myself and walked purposefully to the restroom praying that it wasn’t occupied. Thank God it wasn’t because the second I got there I collapsed wanting to throw up. But all I could do was sit on the floor of a public restroom in sheer hollow pain. Agony.
I would have gladly offered a finger to break if it would have subsided the waves of intense burning. My poor girlfriend opened the door to make sure I wasn’t dead and she found me with my back against the wall and asked if I was okay. I replied with a “NO! BIG MISTAKE! I’M SERIOUS!” She gave me a bottle of generic Peptic Relief pills and I greedily chewed a couple up and swallowed them. I could not coat the stomach fast enough. In fact, in my frantic state I may have dropped a couple on the floor of the restroom and I may have not given a shit and ate them anyway. That’s a level of discomfort that I am not accustom to.
Soon enough though, I managed to get a hold of the situation and take the walk of shame back to my bar stool where I asked to just go home. Oh, and I also wanted to give my shirt back. They said I earned it, but in my heart I felt defeated.
I felt a little better by the time we reached home, though my pride was definitely dented. I was once the master of the ghost pepper and Tai Spice #5 and one wing took me down. Literally down to a public restroom floor. This is a stretch, but I felt like a champion boxer who was play-fighting with his kid nephew and was accidentally knocked out only to demand a rematch and then the kid not only knocks him out again but writes “wuss” on his forehead and raises his boxer shorts up on a flagpole. I was injured and insulted.
Do you see that it looks like I still have wing sauce on my face? Well I don’t. That is the skin burn from the frick’n wing. I couldn’t feel the burn on my face though because the sheer pain of my stomach could have masked a femur break.
I went to bed thinking the worst was over. That was until an hour later when I woke up FEELING AS IF I JUST ATE THE DAMN WING! I couldn’t believe that this feeling was back and just as intense. I sat on the floor writhing in agony, eating pepto pills by the handful. It was all I could do.
After that episode I turned on the shower and sat in the tub because standing was not an option. All I could repeat was “So stupid. So stupid.”. I couldn’t help but dwell on the waiver that stated “…internal tissue damage”. I really thought the next step was to the hospital. OVER ONE DAMN WING!
Let me sum up the rest of the night: Wake up in pain, eat a bunch of antacids, curse myself, try to go back to bed, doze off, wake up again and repeat. Pretty awful. It wasn’t until around 7:30am when my wonderful girlfriend went to the store to buy every form of Mylanta and antacid did I find any relief. And by relief I mean I no longer felt the need for a bite stick.
Well, I survived and now that it has been a week since the challenge and when I began this disaster of a post, I can say that there was no internal tissue damage. I hated that I acted like a yard ape, rolling on a public restroom floor showing my lady parts to the girlfriend. I have decided, against better judgement, to take this challenge on again. This time I will eat AND not drink any liqueur before this challenge. Also, I will do this without anyone that I want to impress and have a life alert bracelet on. Oh yeah, and perhaps I’ll bring a mat incase I decide to do yoga on the restroom floor again.
“I don’t want to think about death when I’m eating chicken”
Moral of the story? I never learn from my mistakes.
The Halloween That Wasn’t
This year Halloween fell a bit flat. I had such grand plans and a few of them actually came to fruition but life in my field of work doesn’t heed the spooky season need. But I will say that the bright spots really shown even though I failed at turning them into quirky blog posts. Let me share with you:
- Spent the night in a couple haunted hotels. While I didn’t bump into a restless specter I did find out that my “sleep number” is 32.
- Drank at least 100 pumpkin ales and I really have become so fond of these beverages that I might shed a tear when they are off the shelves until next late August.
- I have seen Halloween 5 at least 5 times and Pet Semetery 2 at least 20. I think AMC has an agreement with the directors of these two movies because that is the only reason they air these abortions so often.
- We did carve a pumpkin! It was the first time I used those sticker-trace thinks that you buy in the singular Halloween aisle at the grocery store. First time and last time.
- Bought eight different varieties of pumpkin shaped candy this year. They tasted the same as the originals even though they were pumpkin shaped. Disappointment.
- Found great new Halloween websites like Freddy In Space, 3-D Monster, and of course the launch of Dinosaur Dracula and Matt’s always amazing ‘Halloween Countdown”. Truly a marvel to be enjoyed by all.
- Went to an amazing Halloween party with some of my favorite people in the world. And we watched horrible VHS all night and the commentary is better than any episode of Mystery Science Theatre.
- Finally was able to send Halloween goodies to Tim and Brian for the “Brain and Tim Show” over at Review the World TV. We got to see Tim eat an entire pack of Goulaid pack sans water.
So tonight, on Halloween, I am supposed to go to a friend’s house to pass out candy but with a tsunami of work due tomorrow I think tonight will be spent on the couch with laptop on lap, The Great Pumpkin on TV, and a few Snikers down the gullet. It’s an end to the 2012 Halloween season and it wasn’t so bad. I’ll still dress up though.
This year I’m going as an asshole.
It’s the Great Pumpkin Board Game
Recently my parents returned from a long vacation in Italy. Every time they take these trips I get the pleasure of not only hearing about the adventure but they bring me back something nice, no matter how I insist that they do not need so. Regardless, I do like having neat little items from around the globe so I can impress the three visitors I get a year.
This year they brought me back a hand-carved chess set that is so beautiful, I am nervous to even display it. (Visitor #2 is a shifty one. He’s a dog) But when I put it together, I knew it needed to have a permanent spot on the coffee table. And then it dawned on me; I have never learned how to place chess.
Well, not knowing exactly how to play is the first issue. The second is that I am by myself. I did manage to get the gist of the game thanks to YouTube and an animated frog playing a rabbit but I still didn’t quite grasp the game well enough to play myself. It’s a battle of wits, math and the ability to think three moves ahead in an ancient simulated battle between armies and when it comes down to it, I live in America: the inventor of the…
A-bomb!
No, I need something a bit more my standard and with the Halloween season well underway, what better time to break out a board game to challenge my multiple personalities. I present to you “It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown” board game for ages five and up.
Now anyone who knows me or has ever read this blog will know my true love for all things Great Pumpkin. It really is a nostalgic link that I share with my Dad and no matter what is going on in life, when The Great Pumpkin is on ABC that last week of October, I am there. So, it is no mystery why I would choose to review this, rather than battle an imaginary Big Blue over chess. LET THE GAMES BEGIN, BLOCKHEAD!
Alright, let’s see what we gots. There are eight characters which upon closer inspection are really only four because the others are in costume. I’ll cover that in a second. Also there is a stack of cards, a spinner-thing and the board itself. Here are the rules:
“The game is to get your character in costume and be the first to return back to the pumpkin patch to tell Linus he is a retard when the Great Pumpkin doesn’t show up.”
I have to admit, it is a pretty neat looking board. I may just hang this on the wall if I end up beating myself. And looking a little closer I see Snoopy’s brother Spike. It’s nice he paid a visit from his home in Needles, California. Know how I know that? From Dad. I still can’t believe I even remember that detail.
The cards dictate the fate of the characters or at least how quickly they can get in their costume and get back to the pumpkin patch. The various cards are: one invitation to the Halloween party (the mother of all cards and the character goes right into costume), twenty candy (collect five and change to costume), seven quaaludes (to spike the punch at the Halloween party), and seven rocks (draw one and the character surrenders a candy card).
Hrm…apparently the quaalude card is really quarters. You can use this card to either spin again or buy candy from another character. Quaaludes would have been more fun but this is a kids’ game.
And a waaaaaay we go! Spin the wheel around and around, where it lands…nobody…round…I hate rhyming. Anyway, Charlie Brown is in a race with Snoopy, Lucy and Sally to change into costume, trick r treat and be the first to meet Linus back at his most sincere pumpkin patch. Who will win? I don’t know because they are being moved by my alter egos; Phil, Gil,and Jill. I am Bill. And Bill will always root for Charlie.
The first few minutes of the game were a bit frustrating because we all landed on the “move back one space” and drew rocks. Then we all drew candy. It seemed a bit redundant and it occurred to me that Gil never shuffled the deck! I would have but I can’t shuffle. Take a look.
So after that shuffle method of “pick up off the floor” we again resumed play and eventually all players were out of the patch and roaming the neighborhood. For the first time in Charles’ life he drew an invitation card and rocketed to the Trick r Treat spot to change into his holy ghost costume. His luck is changing, says me!
I don’t think I will bore you with play-by-play action of how many spaces Lucy moved or the fact Jill was hiding quarter cards up her sleeve so we will skip to the final few moments.
At this point it really could have been anyone’s game. The path was mined with plenty of “move back 2 spaces” and there were plenty of quarter cards remaining now that I smacked Jill in her cheater mouth. I know it’s not morally right to place money on a child’s game but I raised the stakes with a cool fifty bucks. We were all in except Phil. He was a tad light but we struck a deal for barter and he has to do the winner’s laundry for a week and reenact “Camp Town Ladies” at a random wake.
Oh my god I am the winner! And so is Mr. Brown. It really is refreshing to see him finally get one over on Lucy. Sure it’s no football field goal but when it’s a chance to give Lucy the middle finger, any opportunity is the right one. This one is for you Chuck.
To the victor goes the spoils! Enjoy it Charlie Brown. It has to be better than the crap you got along the trick r treat journey.
This is a great game if for nothing more than to roll around in Halloween nostalgia. Perfect on a Friday game night with kids to teach them how awesome It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown is. It’s an important part of American culture and I embrace it every year, if only to relive the thirty minutes some twenty-five years ago with Dad, carving pumpkins and laughing hysterically over Snoopy’s gaff when he howls over Shroeder’s piano. I give it a solid A.
Casserole of Disaster 
