Category: Random

Annual Halloween Theme Sitcoms No More

 When did the Halloween season become a money loser for prime time TV? I remember when the top shows would advertise for the last week of October like it was sweeps month. Now I know some shows like The Office have had their one Halloween themed episode but that was it. There is no annual anticipation anymore. Here is a look back at my favorite sitcoms that we could always count on for their effort to out-do the previous year. And no, The Simpsons; Tree House Of Horror isn’t on the list, that’s in November.

  This is one of my favorites growing up. I really can’t figure out why because the dry English humor must have been way over head as an eight year old. What ever the reason was I have fond memories of watching the Halloween episode while my dad cut out cardboard armor for my knight Halloween costume because like usual, I made him buy me a $30 accesory (the helmet) and had no plan for the rest. I love you Mr. Belvedere, you fat old English bastard! Lets have a look.

 

Now I have to admit that when Silver Spoons came out I was still pissing the bed but I remember the Halloween episode with such clarity I can even remember what was for dinner that night. Granted it was episode number 49 and Rick Schrouder was in middle school, it was still a while ago. The one thing about Silver spoons is the theme song will stick in your head until you die.

 True story: I was in Halmark a couple of years ago huffing Yankee candles and humming the theme song to Silver Spoons when out of the blue another guy began to hum it with me. Before i knew it we broke out in song, much to the embarrassment of our significant others at the time. “Together, we’re going to find away…You and IIIIIIII, Togetherrr…”  And we even ended on the air guitar. Then we nodded at each other and made our way back to our girlfriends. Who ever that dude was, bless you.

   Lets take a gander at the Halloween episode of Silver Soons with the awesome intro voice!

 

   Oh boy, the Facts Of Life. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and and then you have….a show that got me beat up in elementary school for admitting to having seen. I will say that I have watched it now it is 20 years later and safely away from Bobby Simmons. For some strange reason I had a crush on Joe and looking back I can’t figure out why? I guess I have a thing for Italian chicks. I think this year I am going to be Natalie for Halloween.

  Now we go to the more recent but definitely dated shows. Roseanne is the one show I have never really gotten into until it has become a 3am hit on Nick@Nite. More over I never really was aware that the show had an annual Halloween episode that always tries to out do the last Halloween episode. And for that, I love you Roseanne. I never imagined myself saying that, but it is true. Sorry to step on your toes Tom, but i love you Roseanne. God I really do need help, don’t I?

 

   Finally for today’s post we end with my favorite pick for the best Halloween episodes and that is the great mid-west classic Home Improvement. I think I was at the age to really get into the Home Improvement era. It was after Alf but right before America’s Funniest Videos so I was really tuned into the idiotic humor that Tim Allen always managed to pull off. The Halloween episodes were classic in every sense, primarily because of the creative gist the show was founded on. I mean, who can afford to throw a Halloween party like the Taylors? The YouTube selections were really bad but if you squint hard enough you can make out my favorite episode when the annoying kid gets his after being a prick. I love that show.

  Well, for all those who read this keep Halloween close to your heart. It’s an American tradition and even if today’s sitcoms forget about it doesn’t mean we have to. We always have the oldies that I wish ABC, NBC and CBS would, at least for the last week of October, air instead of the crap that is out today. I do mean crap. I watched Greys Anatomy a couple of months ago and gave the TV the bird no less than 300 times.

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Pumpkins For The Soul

If you have read the previous couple of posts then you know it is the second day of our North Georgia adventure and I was on a quest to find the most sincere pumpkin patch in the land to prove to the Great Pumpkin that….actually I just wanted cheap pumpkins. So from memories of years past I knew of a pumpkin patch in Dawesonville that was the premier patch of the state. It is also the buckle of the bible belt and that is where we went.

Well, we found it without too much of a to-do and it had not changed a bit in ten years. Burt’s Pumpkin Patch has turned into quite a tourist attraction but it hasn’t lost it’s moral ground. Right when we pulled in there was a huge sign that stated, “No Profanity Of Any Kind Will Be Tolerated.” Well fuck!

That was just the beginning of the signed rules and regulations you needed to follow to not be tossed out on your gourd. Here are just a few and I swear I am not making any of these up.

No swearing, no sitting on the pumpkins, no standing on the pumpkins, no riding in the wheelbarrows, no pushing the wheelbarrows unless you are over 15, no jumping on the pumpkins, you break it you buy it, no horse play, no handling of food, no picking pumpkins up by the stems, no audible music, only walking in the shop and a few others that have escaped me. Oh yeah, I forgot the bible verse above the check out table; “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” That should keep people from shoplifting apple butter.

I have to admit that this gets me in the Halloween mood. Even if it is 87 degrees and 60% humidity out, I can feel that All Souls Day is on it’s way. I guess that getting pumpkins from a pumpkin patch is better because I have never see green or white pumpkins at Kroger or Albertson’s. The variety was beyond what thought it would be. You had organic ones, genetically altered huge ones, tiny ones, oblong ones, and ever squarish ones. If you walk away from Burt’s without a pumpkin because you were dissatisfied with the selection than you should just make your own. Not grow your own, make your own, because your are basically calling mother nature a no talent bitch.

Here are a few of the $65 and up pumpkins that could house a family of cats. For some reason these pumpkins never appealed to me. I am more of traditional kind of guy and I feel that Farmer Burt had messed with nature a little too much because in the 80’s I never remember being eye level to them.

Burt’s Pumpkin Farm also had an indoor store filled with really cute country items to decorate for the Halloween season. I did feel like I had to tiptoe around because every five feet there was a blunt sign that read, “You Break, You Buy.” I think it would be hard to break one rule without breaking another because if I did drop something it would be followed by me yelling, “Goddamn motherfuckin’ asshole dick-licking suck bitch.”

Well, soon we picked our pumpkins and loaded our barrel with other goodies. I don’t have a front yard so the yard ornaments where just eye candy but the hanging ones where bought. As you can see there is another sign telling us to keep our hand in our pockets but Tara knows I have plastic. I have to admit after an hour I was ready to head on because of the over dominating Bible beating presence. I’m not anti-church but leave Halloween out of it. I think I may feel different if we were there for a Christmas tree.

Well, Burt’s has a great patch and the is little doubt about it. Do I think it is the most sincere patch that will draw the Great Pumpkin, I don’t think so. I feel that the over whelming watchful eye is too much to really enjoy yourself. I give Burt’s Pumpkin Farm 3 out of 5…I don’t know…pumpkins?

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Beer, Polka and Pumpkins Part 2

 

So there we were following a trail of slow movers (elderly) down the sidewalk to the festival center. I should have known this may be a little above our age because there was a giant bingo sign above the entrance. Never the less, there was  live accordions playing, dogs on the grill and I was sure kegs of beer inside. I’m kind of like a shark when it comes to beer. If sharks can smell a drop of blood per a million gallons of water than I can smell a drop of beer per one hundred people dowsed in Ben Gay. I know I am ripping on old people but hang in there. They actually rescue me at the end of this story.

Now that I am almost thirty I really feel that I should take full advantage of these festivals. Who cares about being reserve or what others think? When we walked into the festival I saw a sea of people all sporting German clothing, dancing, singing along and just having a good time. Damn it, I’m getting a hat! So that is what I did. I let my my guard down, bought us food, beer, a program, an awesome hat and introduced myself to the strangers sitting next to us. Of course they were as nice as they could be and just like that we were knee deep in Oktoberfest 2007.

I must admit that the fact our hotel was a mere fifty yards away made it hard to turn down my 7th beer and before I knew it the draw of the Orlando based Polka band was too much. We caught the end of a conga line that led right to stage center where it segwayed into the famous Chicken Dance-off. After that I tried my hand at real dancing and what looked simple really was not. I was 35 years younger than everyone there and I was getting my ass kicked on the dance floor. I returned to our seats a little sheepish but it was ok. When I was dancing like I had my legs on backwards a table full of old ladies from a Illinois charter line was watching and took pity and was able to give me guidance while the drummer of the band took my girlfriend on a real polka dance.

It only took a few lessons to really get the hang of it. I learned the two step, the waltz and the polka in less time than I learned I hate black licorice. It took me a few tries to be sure I really didn’t like it. Anyway, I had a blast learning and when I took the girlfriend back out on the dance floor I really turned it up a notch. Mainly because I was sure I wouldn’t break her hip if I had a polka mishap. I rule!

Well, soon the band was finishing up the encore and a bottle of Maalox was being passed around. I have to admit that hanging with these old ladies was the most fun I have had in a long time. They smoke, drink and cuss just like people I love. Too bad that they live so far away but that is always the bad part of vacations. You meet some of the greatest people in the world and at the end all you have is the memories. Better than nothing I suppose.

Well, soon the Oktoberfest was over and we had a blast to say the least. After saying our goodbyes, meeting the band and getting the to-go beer we made the trek back to the room. But I wasn’t ready to surrender yet. It was only 11pm and there had to be after party somewhere! And then I heard it. Someone was rocking Karaoke STYX and that is all I needed to keep the party going. We went into the bar and found a few barfly’s and a DJ that used to be in a KISS tribute band. He and I rocked a duet to “Rock and Roll All Night And Party Everyday.” Perfect end to a perfect day.

Part three is tomorrow and it is all about a quest for the annual pumpkin. It was strange and unusual but something to never forget.

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Beer, Polka, And Pumpkins

I have to admit that October is my favorite month of the year and there are a few reasons for that. One is the fact that I love the Halloween season. That’s a given if you have read my previous posts. The other reason is flippin’ Oktoberfest! It’s a German celebration and a great reason to eat bratwurst, drink beer and dance to the accordion polka rhythm. I love every bit of it and in Helen, Georgia we hit the German fest with both fists. It was wunderbar!

Up in the North Georgia mountains, Helen is a really cute town that hosts this drunkfest. If you start the beer drinking at 4pm then by 10 you may actually believe you are in Germany. The only thing to ground you back to the reality that you are in North Georgia are the numerous T-shirt/novelty shops every 30 feet. You know, T-shirts with the muscle guy with a dalmatian head flexing in a fire fighter outfit or “one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor ” shirt? Anyway, it was like a redneck Germany.

Oh yeah, you can buy a shit load of swords, lighters, old time personal photos, smashed and imprinted pennies, leather hats and whoopie cushions too. I have only been to Germany twice and it is true that whoopie cushions are a hard item to find. So you have that to keep you grounded as well.

Crap, I almost forgot! If you every need skulls and skeletons posed playing golf, working or Elvis impersonating you can get them in Helen. In hind sight I should have bought some as stocking stuffers just to keep the family guessing my sanity.

The elderly out numbered the younger generations by about 200 to 1. There were numerous tour buses and crown vics from all over the country, mainly from Pennsylvania, Illinois and Arizona for some reason. As you can see from the guy in white Stride-Rites and a proud Members Only jacket we kind of stood out. But never the less we had all come to Helen for the same reason and that is Oktoberfest. Even if I was there for the perfect beer and they were there for, I don’t know, the perfect frozen yogurt?

So after a few hours of shopping and old people watching we checked into the hotel. It’s nice to find a Hampton Inn where Deliverance was filmed. That movie is always in mind when I am in the North Georgia mountains because inbreds and banjos freak me out to no extent. Anyway the hotel was great and the people were so nice it was almost sickening. I’m sure if I requested to trade shoes with them they would do so and include their socks as well.

So after some rest and changed into my KISS ’75 Tour shirt we headed out for a night that I was made for; drinking, eating and being merry. Believe it or not Helen was pretty much a ghost town and the check in desk vaguely mentioned the festivities start at 7pm. So we made are way to the center of town to see where Oktoberfest began and all we could see was a line of old people going into a large covered pavilion. That was it and I a little worried I was going to be let down. But it was cool because a few beers can even make church enjoyable.

I write about our Oktoberfest fun tomorrow when I get the pictures back. So for now I will leave you with the first beer of the night. It’s my motto that all guests should have a beer or cocktail so there you are. Enjoy the brew and stop by tomorrow afternoon to read about Polka and the quest for the ultimate pumpkin from the scary, God fearing mountain patch of Dawsonville, GA.

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Eating Sounds

  I don’t know if I am being overly prickish about this but there is one thing that turns my blood cold and that is the sounds people make when eating certain foods. I probably do the same but I am usually preoccupied with not choking or dropping food from mouth to shirt. Either way, like an asshole, I am only annoyed when other people do this. Please don’t judge me for being this way because deep down, I know you feel the same too.

  Apples. I personally believe God made the apple the forbidden fruit bacause he could not stand to hear the crunching and sucking sound Adam and Eve would surely make. Satan on the other hand loves that sound because in Hell, apple eating sounds would be blasted from loud speakers 24/7.  You can’t find this in the New Testament but the Billy New New Testament, it is there in bold print.

 I recently spent a weekend with my Dad and he loves apples. After dinner I watched him eat an apple with such intensity, it was remenisant of Day of the Dead. With every bite I felt the need to shout, “Watch your fingers!” I had to remove myself from the situation and take a walk in the rain.

  Cereal Milk. I can’t really explain why this grosses me out but it does. A few years ago I was over at a friend’s house and their kids where at the kitchen table eating cereal. Now I love kids and it takes a lot for me to be cross with them. They could shit in the ball pool at Chuck E. Cheese and I would think it is cute. But watching these kids blow bubbles in their old cereal milk with straws and slurp it up made me vurp. I prayed that these kids could just finish before I slam my face into the macaronni art covered fridge.

 Movie Popcorn. I rarely go to the movies but a year ago I had the pleasure of sitting in front of a dude that ate popcorn like a dog eats a 15 piece whad of gum. I swear that every other minute I checking the back of my head for A.B.C. popcorn. I know I could have moved but I also hate making people feel bad because it would have been obvious that I was annoyed. So I sat there, catching half of Flags Of Our Fathers, and I think I took my aggression out on Clint Eastwood because I walked away thinking that the film was average at best.

  Commercials. This goes out to advertisement execs. If you really want me to change the channel, air a commercial with people eating loudly. There is a advertisement that gives a first person view of a chick siting in a lake gnawing  on a granola bar. Why do we have to suffer through that? There are two things certain about granola bars; they will keep you from shitting for a month and they are hard as plywood. Do they need to drive that point home with inside the skull crunching?

 How many licks does it take to get to the inside of a tootsie roll tootsie pop? “That’s not a lick you dick-hole owl!” That’s what I would say if I was that kid.

 I know I have been crabby about this subject but I am about to tackle six straight hours on MBA online work and it’s my way of venting before I have to do this. Thanks for hearing me out. I am really not this big of a dick. Unless you chew your ice. Then I may kill you.

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