Category: Random

Death By A Chicken Wing

So last week I unintentionally changed the course of my desire to ever eat spicy foods again. I ingested something so hot, so painful, so unbelievably not for human consumption that for the better part of the night I sat in the shower and contemplated calling the hospital. And it was all for a bloody t-shirt.

Let me give you a little back story before I admit to eating pepto pills off a public restroom floor because to not have would have meant certain death.

Over the past few years I have been obsessed with spicy food challenges, hot sauces, peppers and really anything that makes a mouth unhappy. I really can’t answer why this has been such a fascination of mine but I will say if there is a person to blame, I blame Adam Richman of Man vs Food. Since its inception into the Travel Channel lineup, I have seen him ingest some of the hottest and most insane eating challenges this nation has to offer and every episode ends with me stating “I can to that”.

No I can’t.

East Coast Wings is a franchise that originated about five miles down the street from my house and it’s obvious what they specialize in. There must be about fifty different flavors of wings and over fifteen levels of spice starting with the meek mild and going all the way to the absurd. But there is one level to rule the other levels of heat. It’s the Insanity sauce and it’s so hot you have to sign a waiver and you can only eat one wing at a time. This was something that I had to try.

I have come to believe that many waiver forms for amusement are just gimmicks meant to lure people in thinking they are doing something dangerous when in all actuality, the real danger was the drive to the event. I have such a skeptical view on these challenges when you are asked to sign your life away. But “…external and internal tissue damage…” did catch my eye.

I forget how I managed to talk my girlfriend into accompanying me on this adventure but after a long day of football and drinking, I think she wanted to witness this about as much as I wanted to earn a t-shirt. Because it was such a long day of said activities, I had an empty tank and was pretty hungry so it was a challenge enough not to eat the Texas toast that was meant to qualm the fire I was about to ingest. The sugar and milk? That’s for babies.

Finally the “Insanity Wing” had arrived and it was go-time. There were a few spectators at 11:30 on a Saturday night who wanted to see what was going to happen but I didn’t even think about the possibility of giving them any entertainment other than watching a half-drunk guy look uncomfortable for a few minutes. It’s not that I was being cocky or even overly confident, I have taken on a few of these challenges before with little more than heartburn to speak of. I have even eaten a whole ghost pepper and while that was extraordinarily stupid, I survived and recovered a couple of hours later. This was only one wing, after all.

Stop you idiot! Stop! Put that wing down!
Too late…

There is only one speed to take on these challenges and that is FAST. I ate this wing as if it was still on a live chicken. It’s not really something you can savor. I will say the burn on the mouth and throat was pretty intense but not nearly as bad as I have had before. But just when I thought I had this challenge beat, it hit my stomach. And that’s when my Hell began.

I have never had that happen to me before! In less than a second I had a burning coal trying to break through my abdomen just an inch below my sternum. I quietly excused myself and walked purposefully to the restroom praying that it wasn’t occupied. Thank God it wasn’t because the second I got there I collapsed wanting to throw up. But all I could do was sit on the floor of a public restroom in sheer hollow pain. Agony.

I would have gladly offered a finger to break if it would have subsided the waves of intense burning. My poor girlfriend opened the door to make sure I wasn’t dead and she found me with my back against the wall and asked if I was okay. I replied with a “NO! BIG MISTAKE! I’M SERIOUS!” She gave me a bottle of generic Peptic Relief pills and I greedily chewed a couple up and swallowed them. I could not coat the stomach fast enough. In fact, in my frantic state I may have dropped a couple on the floor of the restroom and I may have not given a shit and ate them anyway. That’s a level of discomfort that I am not accustom to.

Soon enough though, I managed to get a hold of the situation and take the walk of shame back to my bar stool where I asked to just go home. Oh, and I also wanted to give my shirt back. They said I earned it, but in my heart I felt defeated.

I felt a little better by the time we reached home, though my pride was definitely dented. I was once the master of the ghost pepper and Tai Spice #5 and one wing took me down. Literally down to a public restroom floor. This is a stretch, but I felt like a champion boxer who was play-fighting with his kid nephew and was accidentally knocked out only to demand a rematch and then the kid not only knocks him out again but writes “wuss” on his forehead and raises his boxer shorts up on a flagpole. I was injured and insulted.

Do you see that it looks like I still have wing sauce on my face? Well I don’t. That is the skin burn from the frick’n wing. I couldn’t feel the burn on my face though because the sheer pain of my stomach could have masked a femur break.

I went to bed thinking the worst was over. That was until an hour later when I woke up FEELING AS IF I JUST ATE THE DAMN WING! I couldn’t believe that this feeling was back and just as intense. I sat on the floor writhing in agony, eating pepto pills by the handful. It was all I could do.

After that episode I turned on the shower and sat in the tub because standing was not an option. All I could repeat was “So stupid. So stupid.”. I couldn’t help but dwell on the waiver that stated “…internal tissue damage”. I really thought the next step was to the hospital. OVER ONE DAMN WING!

Let me sum up the rest of the night: Wake up in pain, eat a bunch of antacids, curse myself, try to go back to bed, doze off, wake up again and repeat. Pretty awful. It wasn’t until around 7:30am when my wonderful girlfriend went to the store to buy every form of Mylanta and antacid did I find any relief. And by relief I mean I no longer felt the need for a bite stick.

Well, I survived and now that it has been a week since the challenge and when I began this disaster of a post, I can say that there was no internal tissue damage. I hated that I acted like a yard ape, rolling on a public restroom floor showing my lady parts to the girlfriend. I have decided, against better judgement, to take this challenge on again. This time I will eat AND not drink any liqueur before this challenge. Also, I will do this without anyone that I want to impress and have a life alert bracelet on. Oh yeah, and perhaps I’ll bring a mat incase I decide to do yoga on the restroom floor again.

“I don’t want to think about death when I’m eating chicken”

Moral of the story? I never learn from my mistakes.

 

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It’s the Great Pumpkin Board Game

Recently my parents returned from a long vacation in Italy. Every time they take these trips I get the pleasure of not only hearing about the adventure but they bring me back something nice, no matter how I insist that they do not need so. Regardless, I do like having neat little items from around the globe so I can impress the three visitors I get a year.

This year they brought me back a hand-carved chess set that is so beautiful, I am nervous to even display it. (Visitor #2 is a shifty one. He’s a dog) But when I put it together, I knew it needed to have a permanent spot on the coffee table. And then it dawned on me; I have never learned how to place chess.

Well, not knowing exactly how to play is the first issue. The second is that I am by myself. I did manage to get the gist of the game thanks to YouTube and an animated frog playing a rabbit but I still didn’t quite grasp the game well enough to play myself. It’s a battle of wits, math and the ability to think three moves ahead in an ancient simulated battle between armies and when it comes down to it, I live in America: the inventor of the…

A-bomb!

No, I need something a bit more my standard and with the Halloween season well underway, what better time to break out a board game to challenge my multiple personalities. I present to you “It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown” board game for ages five and up.

Now anyone who knows me or has ever read this blog will know my true love for all things Great Pumpkin. It really is a nostalgic link that I share with my Dad and no matter what is going on in life, when The Great Pumpkin is on ABC that last week of October, I am there. So, it is no mystery why I would choose to review this, rather than battle an imaginary Big Blue over chess. LET THE GAMES BEGIN, BLOCKHEAD!

Alright, let’s see what we gots. There are eight characters which upon closer inspection are really only four because the others are in costume. I’ll cover that in a second. Also there is a stack of cards, a spinner-thing and the board itself. Here are the rules:

“The game is to get your character in costume and be the first to return back to the pumpkin patch to tell Linus he is a retard when the Great Pumpkin doesn’t show up.”

I have to admit, it is a pretty neat looking board. I may just hang this on the wall if I end up beating myself. And looking a little closer I see Snoopy’s brother Spike. It’s nice he paid a visit from his home in Needles, California. Know how I know that? From Dad. I still can’t believe I even remember that detail.

The cards dictate the fate of the characters or at least how quickly they can get in their costume and get back to the pumpkin patch. The various cards are: one invitation to the Halloween party (the mother of all cards and the character goes right into costume), twenty candy (collect five and change to costume), seven quaaludes (to spike the punch at the Halloween party), and seven rocks (draw one and the character surrenders a candy card).

Hrm…apparently the quaalude card is really quarters. You can use this card to either spin again or buy candy from another character. Quaaludes would have been more fun but this is a kids’ game.

And a waaaaaay we go! Spin the wheel around and around, where it lands…nobody…round…I hate rhyming. Anyway, Charlie Brown is in a race with Snoopy, Lucy and Sally to change into costume, trick r treat and be the first to meet Linus back at his most sincere pumpkin patch. Who will win? I don’t know because they are being moved by my alter egos; Phil, Gil,and Jill. I am Bill. And Bill will always root for Charlie.

The first few minutes of the game were a bit frustrating because we all landed on the “move back one space” and drew rocks. Then we all drew candy. It seemed a bit redundant and it occurred to me that Gil never shuffled the deck! I would have but I can’t shuffle. Take a look.

So after that shuffle method of “pick up off the floor” we again resumed play and eventually all players were out of the patch and roaming the neighborhood. For the first time in Charles’ life he drew an invitation card and rocketed to the Trick r Treat spot to change into his holy ghost costume. His luck is changing, says me!

I don’t think I will bore you with play-by-play action of how many spaces Lucy moved or the fact Jill was hiding quarter cards up her sleeve so we will skip to the final few moments.

At this point it really could have been anyone’s game. The path was mined with plenty of “move back 2 spaces” and there were plenty of quarter cards remaining now that I smacked Jill in her cheater mouth. I know it’s not morally right to place money on a child’s game but I raised the stakes with a cool fifty bucks. We were all in except Phil. He was a tad light but we struck a deal for barter and he has to do the winner’s laundry for a week and reenact “Camp Town Ladies” at a random wake.

Oh my god I am the winner! And so is Mr. Brown. It really is refreshing to see him finally get one over on Lucy. Sure it’s no football field goal but when it’s a chance to give Lucy the middle finger, any opportunity is the right one. This one is for you Chuck.

To the victor goes the spoils! Enjoy it Charlie Brown. It has to be better than the crap you got along the trick r treat journey.

This is a great game if for nothing more than to roll around in Halloween nostalgia. Perfect on a Friday game night with kids to teach them how awesome It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown is. It’s an important part of American culture and I embrace it every year, if only to relive the thirty minutes some twenty-five years ago with Dad, carving pumpkins and laughing hysterically over Snoopy’s gaff when he howls over Shroeder’s piano. I give it a solid A.

 

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Box Awesome And Monster Soda. Soda.

I have no idea how to market retail products nor do I pretend to. I am, however, a gullible consumer so most of this article is a tip of the hat to the box designer(s) of World Market’s Monster Soda Pack. They got me and next time I will take the three seconds to look at the package before forking over thirteen clams for NORMAL soda. But at least I have a pretty sweet box to show for it.

I must have been in a fog of pre-Halloween glee because when I saw this variety pack there was no question whether this was coming home with me. Had I known this was just a fancy box with random everyday soda, I probably would have passed and bought  a dozen Halloween cards with fat cats posing in costumes while having Tootsie Roll indigestion.

Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice? I’m a duck.

Everything about this soda variety pack feels right from first glance. It is covered in 1978 Halloween goodness keeping every vintage art in tact and represented. An orange sky and witches make nights during the harvest so much richer. I have fond memories of 1983 Kmarts with just this tone of orange.

There is no question that these four sodas are about as Halloween-like as my Aunt Rose. (In her later years she thought Halloween involved fireworks and oranges) There is also not a question that these four brand sodas are the most common in the World Market selection so it leads one to believe that by disguising them in a Halloween box, they can recoup some overstock. But, if you think about it, isn’t that what Halloween is all about? They are just wearing a Halloween costume and I was tricked into buying a treat! I am an eternal optimist and a sucker for writing like an uncreative third grade home-school teacher.

Luckily for me most defeat can be soothed by liquor. So what that these sodas don’t have names like “Linda Blair Lemon/Lime” or “RedRum Rootbeer” and they are just everyday brands with questionable expiration dates? The box brought a bit of nostalgic happiness and I would not normally buy strawberry soda. Actually, I don’t think I have ever bought strawberry soda.

Okay, one more complaint. The handles to Box Awesome are not awesome. In fact they caused a scene in the parking lot but luckily for me the Earth rotates only so fast and the moon is only so close because any closer of faster, I would be the owner of a wet Box Awesome, filled with glass shards.

That was a gravity joke.

BONUS!

I just downloaded my most favorite free app for the iPhone and iPad. Zoomvision’s Night of the Living Dead app has me so happy I might just super lunge to the beat of “I Love A Rainy Night” by Eddie Rabbitt.

It’s the whole movie and it takes up virtually no space. How that works, you tell me. But it’s fun to sit in a waiting room or before a board meeting and watch Barber’s older brother taunt her before getting his head smashed by a zombie. Just a bit of horror to break up an otherwise dull day.

3

Nosferatu Beer…I Am Serious

Oh boy oh boy, was this video a pain in the ass to post. I am an unabashed amature when it comes to these vlogs even though this will be year three that I am doing this. You would think they would get better. I am working on that so stay tuned-getting help.

So, yeah…the good people at Great Lakes Brewing Company have a red ale beer that is mascot-ed by the 1920’s nightmare, Nosferatu. This says “HALLOWEEN” like I would say “FRANKS AND BEANS” because you can’t be more subtle. And, as you will see, beside the reddish tone, it has bite! *ba-doom tis* It is an absolutely perfect biting vampire beer.

 

Also, you will see a quick shout-out to Dan of 3-Dmonster.com and an awesome print I bought. These sites are great and I encourage you to check them out. And buy some stuff too! You always get bonus gifts!

Enjoy the video!

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Tales From The Darkside Got Me Grounded

This story is a testament to how much simpler life was back when I was a kid. I had almost completely forgotten about this story until recently when I was talking to Kristen and low and behold, it just popped in there! The brain never ceases to amaze me because this memory has been stored for over twenty years only to randomly fallout like a picture used as a bookmark falling from a Garfield comic. (Because we all have read these in the 80’s) It comes at a good time too because this blog was turning into rubbish with mindless beer reviews and beef jerky. That’s no way to go through life, son.

Saturday nights for a certain period of my life were a special time. For whatever reason, from 7:00 to let’s say 10 or 11:00, my parents hosted a few couples from church for a bible discussion party. Well, I assume that’s what it was though I can’t be sure because my evenings were far better, which you will find out soon. After their bible yap, everyone would mingle and share the desserts each couple brought. I was allowed downstairs for that. Until then I was confined to the parents room with the TV, books of sharks, and whatever else a young seven-year old needed to pass the time. But at 9:00 my attention was devoted to a very special program that sometimes proved to be regretful whether it was later on at night from fears of what lurks under the bed or….well…keep reading.

I didn’t have cable until high school so with five channels (not including PBS because that was like watching school) and four channels on the smaller rotating dial, the selection was limited. But on Saturday nights there was quite the programing on Atlanta 46! The most memorable, of course, was “Tales From the Darkside”. For those not familiar, get out. I kid! I kid! It was a thirty minute program that featured two stories of macabre and strange tales usually starring some middle of the road actor from the time. Not all the shows were great but to a seven-year old, each one was a masterpiece.

One fateful Saturday afternoon my Dad informed me that a couple would be bringing their kids to the bible party and I would have to share my Saturday night of B-rated TV. While I was a little disappointed because as an only child I am a spoiled little dick, I had no say in the matter and began looking for the bright side. I mean, it could be fun.

It wasn’t at all. I knew it the second they arrived as I watched them pull into the driveway. These kids were melvins who brought their own pillows. They brought their own pillows for Christ sake! I sighed and walked limp-armed back to the parents room across the hall, head hung low and waited to hear people walk up the stairs. But instead Mom called for me to greet the un-welcomed guests and walk them to my Saturday sanctuary where no parental guidance was required.

I must have look like a pill giving a limp handshake to…Whats-his-face (let’s call him Jimmy for lack of memory) and his little sister, Rebecca.

Rebecca would be a problem for me.

With their idiotic board games and pillows in hand, we trudged upstairs to ruin my night. I offered to leave them in my room to do their will upon my collection of GI Joe and Legos, but that only appealed to Jimmy; the one kid I thought wouldn’t mind a night of twisted tales of grown up gore. Rebecca was stuck to my side like a rock in tire tread. Looking back as an adult it was pretty cute but to a kid that waited all week to hear the intro to “Tales From The Darkside”, it was an un-welcomed advance and there was no way to give these home schooled kids the slip.

Throughout the evening I tried to be entertaining and cordial. Jimmy wasn’t too bad, partly because he had Castle Greyskull to play house with and could care less about the world around him. Rebecca, however, sat hip-to-hip with me on the floor, eyes fixed on the TV as we watched “Small Wonder” and I nervously counted down the program schedule until “Tales From The Darkside” aired. Only one more “feel-good” show to go!

Dad brought us popcorn and cokes and asked if I was being a good host to which I responded “yeahyeah” without breaking gaze from the TV. He left to rejoin the adults and I could hardly wait because now was the time I had waited for patiently and even though I had to share this moment with these two weirdos, it was happening.

The intro alone distracted Jimmy from battling the forces of Cobra as he joined his sister and me on the floor, soon to witness the macabre and scary tales this glorious show had to offer. And brother, this one was a doozy! It was the first episode and pilot for the show that George Romero himself wrote and produced. The episode was called “Trick or Treat” and had demons, witches, pirate zombies and Satan himself all wrapped into a half an hour. Let’s break it down, shall we?

After the magical introduction we begin the story with a typical Scrooge-like character, Mr. Haggles, played by Bernard Hughes (one of my all time favorite actors). He is having his books balanced by a couple of accountants and we begin to learn what a cheap miser he really is, charging one of them .04 cents for another cup of coffee. But we also learn he has a twisted side too as he scares the two accountants into a bowel evacuation by an animatronic…thing that he uses on children during his favorite “SEASON”, Halloween.

It’s Willy from Alf!!!

That’s right. Mr. Haggles says what I have always believe and that is Halloween is a season, not a day. Anyway, he goes on to explain how every year he tempts the children in the valley to find the IOU’s of their parents that he holds liens on, hidden somewhere in his house, and if they find them all debt is forgiven. But no one ever has because of the terrifying tricks he has set up around his home.

We see during the afternoon of Halloween the bind he has on the parents as they are so deep in debt to Mr. Haggles that they even have to buy costumes for their children on credit in his general store. He taunts them into sending their children to the Hell house with the chance to have their debts forgiven.

Much like Romero’s style, there is a deep cultural issue hidden behind a cheeky horror story. We see how desperate people in financial distress can be and in some cases, putting their children in harm’s way to get out of their situation. I’m not going as far as saying prostitution but…kind of?

Oh Jimmy, find the IOU’s and get those much need braces or don’t find them and get a beating. The odds aren’t good since Mr. Haggles has a house full of spooky sounds and animatronic ghoulish surprises in store. Jimmy comes close but just couldn’t take the torture of Mr. Haggle’s taunts.

As Jimmy runs out of the house his father picks him up in a nurturing way and walks home defeated. Mr. Haggles laughs at the terrified kid but there is a moment when he has his bubble burst when Mr. Muldoon isn’t angry but rather a caring father. You can almost hear Mr. Haggles sigh a “humbug”. Who is next?

Another potential victim rings his doorbell and from his Wizard of Oz type control room, he looks to see who it is. Another kid? A parent coming to whoop an old man’s ass? Not quite!

In every story when a greedy person meets their fate, there seems to always be this third-party who’s entire being is for punishing the sinner. By far, this is my favorite punishment. He looks into the peephole only to see one of the scariest witches as she cackles a “trick or treat”. He opens the door to shoo away this prankster only to come to the realization that this is a real witch. She flies through the house on her broom and magically finds the hidden IOU’s and blows them in his face. Frantically, Mr. Haggles jumps to catch them all completely overlooking that he HAS A FUCKING WITCH IN HIS DEN and runs through the house shouting “my money!”.

 

In each room he is met with these type of creatures, who are not animatronic, but real and all over his cash. He is in disbelief that a pirate-zombie is sitting on his check deposits and scurries to salvage the flying cash. Which leads him to….

 

 

Ah, Satan himself. The Devil reverses the taunting and repeats “you’re getting warmer” and Mr. Haggles crawls his way down a bright red corridor which is made of what appears to be bubble wrap. While the set design looks to be a mediocre haunted garage that can be found in any suburb on Halloween night, it is a little creepy. Mr. Haggles crawls his way, chasing his blowing cash, to what is perceived to be Hell. Good riddance.

But what about all the poor people who were in debt to Mr. Haggles?

 

 

Well, the witch gave it all to Billy. The End.

As we finished this tale of awesome, I came out of my “Tales From The Darkside” trance to the world around me. Only Jimmy was sitting next to me but where was Rebecca? Apparently during the Hell scene she ran from the room and down to the bible study in tears telling her parents that I forced her to watch ‘R’ rated devil shows. Before I could evaluate the situation I heard the familiar sound of my Mom’s fast paced stair climbing gape. There was nowhere to hide. Jimmy looked at me and said, “You’re in a lot of trouble”. Fuck you, Jimmy, you home-schooled melvin.

The credits were still rolling while Mom and her parents breached the door and she yanked me from the floor so fast there was a tiny pop from a sound barrier break. I was escorted to my room by the elbow and Jimmy was taken downstairs to join his traumatized sister and would be given cookies and cake until their parents decided to leave. I cursed them all from my bed having daydreams much like Ralphy from The Christmas Story, thinking how sorry they would be if I was blind or have an affliction that required sympathy. But I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction.

By the next week when bible study came around, the melvins did not join me. I was thankful for this but my Saturday nights had to be spent without TV. But was it worth it?

Yes it was.

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