Category: movies

If….

…you watch Jaws backwards, it is a movie about a shark that throws up enough people they have to open a beach.

I heard this the other day and it struck me so funny, I have been thinking about it and laughing aloud in the most inappropriate settings. It is just so funny what how certain things can get me to laugh while many things do not. It’s a rarity I watch a TV show or movie and utter a laugh or smirk. It’s not that I don’t appreciate humor it’s just that I don’t express it. For awhile I was worried about a broken funny bone or perhaps it was harvested while slept like the urban legend that included one missing kidney and an ice bath.

After talking to a friend, however, it dawned on me that it’s not that I don’t find mainstream humor, well, humorous, it’s just that I have a fucked up sense of humor all together. Here are somethings that will cause me to crack up no matter where or when.

This is an all time favorite. I most quote Clifford at least twice a week. If I don’t I fear that the world might end. Superstitious like that.

Tobias Funke is my favorite character in Arrested Development and when he was Ms. Featherbottom, he sealed it. “When I get a little nervous, I hum a little tune. Humdidle  Humdidleedoo.”

As I sit here in this classroom I am muffling my laughs and it’s getting harder. I can’t help it but mascots that are injured tickles me in such a way, that for a while I thought perhaps I am a little sick. I want to see them fall, catch fire and blow their knees out. I think it’s because I forget it’s just a man in a suit.

Ah shit, here is one more. Try not to laugh. I dare you.

I am sorry but you have no soul if you didn’t find that a little funny.

Ok, last I think British dry humor is my all time favorite. I will laugh in an audible way for this. I am not sure why because I was never that way before. I love John Cleese and all Monty Python type skits growing up but never found them “side-stitch” laugh material. But over the past few years I think my tune has changed.

Well, that’s a good taste of my guilty “haha’s” so don’t judge my educated humor too closely. Everyone has their taste. I mean, people found What Women Want funny and that makes me want to cry. God I love diversity!

So, tonight I am going to be watching a movie as I real-time blog about it. It is kind of like you are watching it with me as I annoyingly converse through it. Only now, you can’t tell me to shut the hell up. Because I won’t be able to hear you. This idea is stolen from the great Stacy Ponder over at Final Girl.

The movie: Arachnophobia. I have never seen it and always wanted to. Yuck. I hate spiders.

2

Cataclysmic Colossus Of Clout!

I don’t think that means anything but it’s my new “boy wonder” exclamation. I say it when you will least expect it so stay on your toes. So today I am going to give you a “catch up shot” or ‘ketchup shot” if you prefer. You’re gross.

  • Changing the VM header so I have been playing with images and old photos when Wicket and I locked eyes. My God, he has dead eyes. No soul. I still believe that Ewoks must have smelled like 20 year old moldy shag carpet. Those matted hairy butt bears.
  • The VSA went out on my Element the other day. My friend was with me when the warning light came on and I asked her what she thought it meant. She said it was my car telling me to “fix the Vehicle Shit, Asshole”.  To which I left her at the bus stop.
  • Went to see Megadeth on Monday. Amazing. Probably one of the better shows that I have seen in the past few years and I really went all out. I moshed, spit beer, think I broke my jaw, sang every song, got a nod from Dave Mustaine as I crowd surfed in my work clothes. But I was upstaged by a guy crowd surfing in a wheelchair. What a dick.

  • It has been so mild this winter I can not believe it. It has actually snowed more in Atlanta than it has here in the Northwest. Not that I am complaining but it is such my luck that I move on a mountain the year Idaho has the worst winter and to a low altitude plain during it’s mildest. Karma! Fuck you! Wait. I take that back. Nice karma.
  • I have been consistent in my weight lifting over the past couple of months and I have almost regained everything I lost this past year. That scares me because lifting 250 this quickly means an injury is just around the corner. But I am too obsessive to stop. Maybe when I can flex out of a shirt I will stop.
  • Last night I made pork chops and cataclysmic colossus of clout. Told ya to stay on your toes! Just when you least expect it.

  • I can’t stay silent anymore. I will never again sit back and act passive when someone wants to watch The Kardashians, Brothers And Sisters, that show after Entertainment Tonight and any other show in that category. They are so stupid and idiotic. That’s right I said it. I know why people hate Americans and it is because we watch insane shit like this. Who can actually be taken seriously when you decide to give up an hour, a minute, a second that you can never have back again watching spoiled and shallow people have life altering problems like throwing a party and not finding the DJ they want or talking gossip about people they don’t even know. F that.
  • Broke my second iPhone right after I spent $40 on a “protective” case. You are welcome Steve Jobs.
  • I am beginning to think that honesty is over rated. I was in a neuroscience class today and my professor has been on a workout kick involving only jumproping. He came in class today and said that he has been sluggish from being under the weather and hasn’t been jumproping. He claimed that jumproping with diarrhea was not the best idea he has had. Wouldn’t you know it, I was the only one to laugh. What am I, five? To make it worse, he asked if I was okay. I told him not really.
  • I have a park across the street from my apartment and occasionally I will take a stroll or walk to the university the long way just to enjoy it. Last week there was a tennis ball left by one of the random dogs that play there. Without thinking, I picked it up and aimlessly threw it without looking…right at two joggers that were jogging towards me. It was more than just awkward. Actually, I don’t want to talk about that anymore. I am the worst person.
  • Saw Phantasm for the first time. I loved everything about it. Kind of wish I had someone who enjoys campy horror as much as I do to have seen it with.
  • Going to Vegas, San Diego and LA for business and I am happy about that. Hopefully it will be filled with cool people and fun times but I have a feeling it will be filled with meetings and takeout. Wish I had an R2D2 unit to give my sales spew in hologram form. ‘Buy from us, Teledyne, Inc. You are our only hope.”
  • That’s it. You are caught up.

13

Sooooo…. Yup

It has been so long and I have missed you all so much. Really. Honestly. The thing is I just don’t know how to jump back in this whole blogging thing again so I guess I am just going to do it. There has been a few life directions I have changed and last Sunday I turned 30 so this is as good of a time as any to start up the ol’ VeggieMacabeness that will someday be the word of all humanity. Just wait. “Be Excellent To Each Other”.

I was asked to speak at the 2010 Young Executives Conference for NEC and Konica Minolta next week about what lessons I have learned and how I attribute them to my success. There are a few things wrong with that last statement. One, I am neither young or an executive. I am a project manager for a medium size office that will pay for my Neuro PhD. Two, everything I learned in life has been from the 1987-91 TGIF line up on ABC so the joke is on them, I guess. Three, I am far from a success. Do successful people break off the trunk from the broccoli in the grocery store to make it lighter or hold onto a box of Nabisco Spookie Fruits from the eighties? Not really.

I know I am getting older and it really hit me when my parents sent me their gift. It was a fruit basket. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful because many people my age don’t get anything, but a fruit basket? I just sent a fruit basket to a new customer as a token of appreciation. This does not compute. Maybe I am just being a whiny weenie Will? Nononono. Wtf? A fruit basket?

I have finally managed to ignore all vices for the past couple of months and hit the gym to get back in the shape I was in at 28. My goal is to be in better shape, look hotter and be tip-top happidy hap-hap happy come this summer. I have a goal to make this the one true crazy summer of fun and mayhem. And then grow up. You know, like buy land, get married and have kids? I at least make the effort.

Oh shit, it happened. I hate teenagers. Everything about them makes me want to hurt puppies and babies. I have no idea where that came from but as I am writing this I just saw two walk by in their emo-skinny jean-black and purple-wierdo hat-sad walk and I want to say, “MRAAAROOORAPDAP!” because there are no words for my pissiness. “I weep for the future“.

I know that this post had a tinge of bitchiness to it but I promise great stuff on the way including a Megadeth backstage post on the first of March. Man, I hope Dave isn’t too big of a prick. And I hope I don’t get nervous and get shaky leg syndrome like the time I met Alice Cooper. That was just embarrassing.

13

Freddy Krueger Sang “Oh Danny Boy”.

So, there I was minding my own business, drinking a few beers and watching the ‘Zags with some friends when guess who showed up? Old-Man Krueger.

He’s gotten a little up there in age and his wrinkled skin really make the burns less apparent, but still, it’s nice to see him out and about. Of course right after his karaoke rendition of “Oh Danny Boy” was over, he made his way to the door. The man’s gotta work. I mean it was ten at night and people are going to bed! He obviously didn’t plan out his retirement portfolio.

Poor Fred.

9

I Need A List

I have been such a bad blogger I ought to be dragged out in the streets and floggered. Was that a stretch? Well, if it was, all I can say is that you are right. And to get back in the real swing of 2010, I need all the help I can get. So here we go! This is one of my many posts of what I know to be true.

  1. I watch violence on TV with much trepidation. When did this happen? I keep asking myself questions like “what is that poor guys mother going to do?”. I need to not take things so seriously.
  2. I don’t believe in the moon. I just think it is the back of the sun. (scrubs) I agree.
  3. I Tweet. Fuck. I Tweet. Three verbs and one is expressive. Take your pick.
  4. At almost 32, I still believe there is a chance that God can turn off the gravity at any minute. I hang out near trees.
  5. My iPhone sucks. I’m always connected to everything. Remember when life was simple and no one knew what anyone else was doing?
  6. I think I am in love with the Nurse Ratchet’s assistant from One Flew Over The Cukoo’s Nest.
  7. I have a cat. A cute one actually. But I travel a lot and I think getting a buddy for her would be fair. I have images of her meowing at the wall for hours out of boredom. Sometimes I leave the Animal Planet on just because I think she watches it. So I have decide to buy another kitten. Now I will be the guy who has two cats. shit.
  8. Sandwiches make me way too happy. I mean really, way too happy. Did a dance the other day that I call the “Turkey Pastrami Slide”. I kind of wish it was in private though.
  9. This commercial makes me want to scream at an elderly man. I hate eating sounds in food commercials. It’s like a Hulk reaction. I will split a shirt and steal a tricycle from a 3 year old when I see this. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

10.  I get so excited for Christmas but when it gets here, I hate it. This year, Christmas will be prepped way ahead of time. No more last-minute travel or last-minute gifts. To be honest, my Amex  and Visa card took a few thousand dollars worth of hits that should have been better thought out. And Delta? Fuck you too!

11. I tried it again. I am not a gin man. Actually, hard alcohol as a whole I think will end starting today. It just doesn’t do it.

12. I listen to The Cure and think of KB. I listen to… actually that is my next post.

13. I prefer the old Devil in The Simpsons to the Flander’s Devil in the newer ones.

14. I have Netfilx steaming to my TV and I gave the series Weeds a chance. It failed miserably. So miserably it made me finally realize that Kevin Nealon is an ass-hat of staggering scale and should have hard fruits thrown at him in all public venues. I envision a pineapple.

15. I had a meeting with the owner of a restaurant chain called Taco Time for work last week. I told him his chain made me laugh when I first heard the name. He, however, did not find my humor funny.

16. I want the sax to come back. The Night Court theme makes me pretty overjoyed.

17. Don’t Google Image search your own name.

18. Have you ever heard of the 80’s toy call “Beeoples”? Just curious.

19. I had a dream that I was shoplifting old Halloween candy from a dollar store and was caught. For some reason, this is really bothering me.

20. I think I will smile like this for everything. No matter how small.

fin

//

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