Category: Life

100!

Today marks the 100th post on Veggie Macabre. It’s not that big of a deal but I have been known to throw parties for triple coupon day at Target. So today will be no different in the fact that I will walk around the office with a false sense of accomplishment. People will ask me how I am and I will say, “pretty fucking great, pissface” and high five them. During the Monday morning mandatory meeting (MMMM…) I will make a motion that every Friday will be “Hawaiian shirt day” or at least “short sleeve button down with tie day”. After work I will go to the running track and try and race every jogger I see and at the end I’ll dump water on my head and repeat, “I just never stopped believing…i never stopped.” Later in the evening I will go to the bar, alone, and order one bourbon, one scotch and one beer and start a discussion that George Thorougood looks goofy in comparison to how he sounds. Big teeth. And before I go to bed, I will read over the past eleven months on Veggie Macabre and reflect how life has changed, both for the good as well as the bad and be thankful for all I have.

So for this 100th post I think I’ll keep to the same theme of no theme. He are some pictures I took on my camera phone from the past couple of weeks. I know a few are of poor quality but then again, it’s a camera phone. So here you are, a look into my world.

I have passed this guy a few times on the commute to work. It’s no doubt he’s a little special but hey, he can ride a bike. Notice the ballistic sand/snow goggles, the Styrofoam helmet and the fingerless gloves? God bless him, he makes my day. Especially when I see him going up a hill. Old boy really works that bike.

For F’ sake, Pizza World finally went under. It’s a sad day when mom and pop restaurants like this get gobbled up by corporate crapheads. There are never enough places like Pizza World, Sandwich Planet or Rocket Burger. I guess it’s the space theme I really enjoy. R.I.P. Pizza World.

This is a real house. No shit, it’s a real house and two elderly people live there. The rumor is back in the 60’s, when this town had a population under 500, the guy promised his wife she would one day live in a castle. He made good on his word and he built this. I don’t think she was expecting a putt-putt castle, though. It even has a mote and gnomes that guard the entrance. It’s funny but most people are awaiting the day the owners open the doors for an open house, much like Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

At least there is one guy that isn’t European still holding on to the Zoo Pants. I caught this at the grocery store and it took me at least five pictures to get this one. He was on a mission to buy vitamins I suppose. Regardless, most of the store was aware of my picture taking and I immediately had to fake a phone call. You know you have too.

People who decorate the rear widow of their car with stuffed animals give me the heebs. I don’t know why people feel this is a good idea. I bet you the person driving this car is sporting an airbrushed t-shirt from their 1998 vacation to Panama City, Florida. Ooooo, I’m a shit.

Played some golf with clients last week and it turns out I really need more practice. Ever since I hit a dudes house a few years ago that erupted into a violent altercation, I have been anti-golf. But, you have to go where the money is and it turned out to be pretty lucrative, Even though most of my shots looked like this.

Every so often I go out to trendy night spots. This one was my favorite. It’s small, quaint, artsy and the people don’t get puke drunk and fall into you, causing beer to get on a new sports jacket. Not that has happened. I find myself repulsed by bars that require bouncers. Another bonus, the TV’s have Dr. Seuss cartoons on all the time. Weird.

I didn’t know having to take a piss was a privilage, privalage, pri-vo-lege, privilege. (whew) I haven’t lost that right since the Army. This was taken at a fortune 500 company building in Atlanta of all places. It’s a clear example of someone who has some leadership power and no idea how to handle it. Of course I wrote “O’Doyle Rules” on the wall.

So, in keeping with my random theme of Veggie Macabre, that is what is on my phone. The quality is never the best but I love having the ability to capture a moment in time to share or force on people. The 100th post isn’t that huge of a mile mark but I think I have at least 100 more. So cheers, tomorrow is 101.

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Voices Kerry?

Every so often I find out that I have been wrong about a particular saying, name, word, ect. Today it was a song. I have been singing this in the car for years only to be corrected when I muttered the words under my breath. The girl in the office asked, “what are you singing?” Immediately I became self conscious as I slowly muttered what I sang. Of course hysterical laughter followed suit as I asked what the real lyrics were. I was way off.

The song was “Voices Carry” by ‘Til Tuesday. It has always been a great song in my mind but I have been consistently wrong about the lyrics and what the song was about. I haven’t even watched the video until today. Not only did I have it wrong years ago but I self corrected the lyrics and made it worse.

The line “Hush hush, keep it down, Voices carry” never sounded that way to me. I originally thought it was “Hello Josh. You came downtown. This is Kerry”. As if the boyfriend or who ever, came late to downtown to meet his girl who is introducing him to her friend Kerry. I even had a scene in my head about how the interaction would go. Well, that was wrong and the more I thought about it the sillier it seemed. So I changed it.

Now it was “Oh Josh, keep it down now, you’re so scary.” That was the line I shot out this morning. It seemed to be more conducive with the tone of the song but alas, this too was wrong. So I get to be taunted for the next week or too with ‘Voices Carry” and I’m too stubborn to sing it correctly. Josh is scary.

EDIT!

I feel it is my duty to do this. I am now going to ruin Celine Dion’s song from the movie Titanic, “My heart Will Go On.” When she sings “..I believe that the heart does goes on” replace it with “the hot dogs go on”. I swear, you’ll never listen to it the same way again.

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Just Not The Same

Is it just me or does getting older really ruin all the little things in life. For example, a good friend corrected me when I used the term “conniption fit.” For the longest time I thought it was “connip-shit” and I have been using that for as long as I remember. It’s embarrassing to admit but that’s the truth. So it prompted a hard look at somethings that just aren’t the same anymore.

Ewoks suck. For the longest time I regarded Return Of The Jedi as the greatest Star Wars movie of them all. Now that I look back i just see it as one giant toy revenue stream, which was fine when I was 7 but now I feel a little bored with it. Much like finding out your are really a conservative when you give into corporate America, I require more in a movie than “I’ve got a bad feeling about this” and latex muppets. I consider myself an Empire Strikes Back fan now. Plus, thanks to a picture at Social Pariah, it just dawned on me that Wicket was really the downs syndrome Ewok that tends to wander through Endor. I imagine he lives in the lowest hut at the Ewok Village. He also looks like a smelly. “Yub-Yub”.

Hotels suck. The thrill is gone when it comes to travel. I think I realized this on a trip a few months ago when I was spoiled by a five star room and the next week I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express. That drastic change turned me into a snob. Everything about the room annoyed me from the TV only having 20 channels to the air conditioning being too loud. I remember a time when I would drink at the lounge, meet new people, order room service, even go to the pool. Now, I work in bed, read a book and complain in the morning that my back is stiff. I even bring my own pillow case for fear of getting some face disease. What a shit I am.

I will never ride on this. When I was growing up we used to South Jersey for the summer and the days were all the same. During the day we would be at the shore and at night we would ride the rides. It must have been a thrill for my poor folks but I lived for it. Today when I see a fair, all I can think about is the amount of insurance that goes into portable roller coasters. Beside the fact that just looking at them makes my equilibrium off balance I am absolutely positive that I will not be killed on the “Scrambler”. I can see the local news story now. “Local man flung off the Scrambler in a bucket seat. Witnesses said he was making squealing sounds before he landed in the donkey ride. He did not survive.”

Buffets are ruined. I have a hard time eating at Chinese or even American buffets and I think it is because I just think about it too hard. My imagination takes the best of me and all I imagine is sneezey people, grubby kid fingers and flies. I am the jerk that orders off the menu when everyone one else is elbow deep in Lo Mein. However, I do miss eating Kung Pao chicken and corn dogs at the same time.

The excitement of the theater. I actually do miss going to the movies but I just cant find the time to spend two hours anywhere for recreation. The last film I saw was Cloverfield and it was reminiscent of the old movie experience but lately I don’t have the desire. I blame friends that i used to hang out with for that. They were the couple that dressed like the characters of the film. For the life of me I couldn’t understand why people dress up for the opening of a film. As you could imagine I was pretty embarrassed when the last Star Wars movie opened up.

I am sure there plenty of other items in life that I have grown to see differently. It’s hard to think of them right off the top of my head but be sure, I’ll let you know. That reminds me, up until today I have used the term “to no extent”. It is “to some extent” and “to no end”. It’s good that I figured that out at 30.

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Showbiz Pizza And The Rock-Afire Explosion

I believe Showbiz Pizza for me as a child was much like an opium tent for Ralph Dunning. When I was there time flew by so fast because it was like a system overload. It was just too much for a 7 year old to digest when placed in an environment that had pizza, video games (they were new back then), a pool of plastic balls, skee-ball, and tickets to trade for things like this. There was, however, an animatronic band that I was less than enthused about. The Rock-Afire Explosion.

I can remember a specific birthday party and sitting at the table closest to the stage. While all the kids were busy drinking cups of suicide soda and shoving pizza in their face I was keeping a suspicious eye on the animatronic rock band. Perhaps I was too close to the stage because I heard less music and more of hydraulic hissings and the metallic hurks and jerks. The smell of the electronic heat from the cyborg-like apes and bears over powered the smell of pizza and sweaty kid. After the ten minute show was over and the curtain closed, curiosity over powered me and I crept to the stage to peer behind the curtain to make sure they weren’t taking a five minute smoke break. But what I saw was just eerie.

Behind the curtain the band stood silent with their eyes open, staring straight a head at the closed curtain. The dim lighting and the motionlessness of the characters gave me an uneasy feeling much like sleeping in a room with a three foot doll. In the background the sounds of screaming kids and the bells and whistles of the games were heard but I was fixed on the duality of life and death represented between what happens when the curtain opens and closes. Then it happened.

Before the curtain opens the band starts to move. While I was deep in thought about the eeriness of the lifeless band the hydraulics kicked in with the “pfffftts, screeeeee, weeeng” and they began to move. I can’t recall how it happened but before I knew it I found myself in the ball-pit with my shoes on. This terrified me to no extent and I didn’t even mind getting yelled at for wearing my Keds a “no shoe zone”. For the rest of the day I stayed close to the front, skipping the birthday cake and present opening. At the end I grabbed my parting gift bag and was all too happy to leave.

That night I had a terrible nightmare that Fatz Geronimo, the ape keyboardist, jumped over his keyboard and chased me around Showbiz.

23

Things I Know To Be True

  • I’m a 10CC, Seals and Crofts, and Gary Wright fan. Deal with it.
  • I love bad horror movies and I force them on my friends.  They hate me for that.
  • I’m cocky when it comes to cinema history, rock/metal history, military history, darts, beer drinking, flying and project management issues. Everything else, I am a little intimidated by.
  • Given the choice of style, I always go with the style of ’73.
  • I snore but if I roll over, I stop.
  • I’m a shoe freak, thanks to a certain someone.
  • The best live show I have ever seen was Foreigner. I know, I still can’t believe it. They rocked.
  • “Drive”by the Cars is the greatest make out song of all time.
  • I’d rather eat hamburgers than anything else.
  • Every time I go to the beach I sing “Take On Me” by Ah HA.         No idea.
  • I hate eating in public.
  • I spent 6 years in the military and spend everyday in guilt for not being back active.
  • I like naps, but hate waking up sweaty with something stuck to my face.
  • Two tattoos. Used to have two pierced nipples. Don’t judge me.
  • I am closer to Dad than Mom. I feel bad but it is what it is.
  • The prettiest thing I have ever heard is Vicki’s singing voice.
  • I get freaked out when I stand next to skyscrapers. I tend to crouch.
  • I think Dick Ducommun is the coolest person in the world.
  • My metal roots were planted by Heart
  • My turn offs are ignorance, racism, and sexism. You’ll never recover from that with me.
  • I love golf but don’t like the people who play it. Story to come later.
  • Wine makes me randy, beer makes me drunk and liquor makes me “that guy”.
  • I have seen What About Bob three hundred times and it keeps getting funnier, every time I see it.
  • The bend of the arm and knee and that soft part of the neck gives me the willies.
  • I like wallpaper over paint.
  • I have been arrested.  It was dropped but I still have a mugshot. It was over a traffic ticket that I paid but was never, I don’t know, sent to the magic land of driver license ticket already paid file. I hate them all.
  • I met Kevin Costner. When we met he said “I won’t sign an autograph but I’ll let you shake my hand.” My college roommate said, “Bullshit…you can shake mine.” I always looked up to that dude.
  • I will get into “Sex In The City” kicking and screaming. It is inevitable but I am giving the good fight. Sarah J. Parker does look like a foot.
  • I want what I can’t have.
  • I have been awake for the sunrise hundreds of times. I want to see it someday.
  • Lacey is turning 27 this weekend.
  • I used to throw a perfect spiral. It’s gone.
  • Kids who go to bed hungry make me stay awake at night.
  • I fart on escalators on purpose.
  • I tend to confuse escalators and elevators.
  • I miss my grandmother on my Dad’s side and my Granddad on my mom’s.
  • I think spinach was found to be edible on accident.
  • I want to be a dad
  • I don’t like to be touched by people I don’t know.
  • I’m waiting for the mustache to come back.
  • I want my best friend to know I am sorry.
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