Halloween For The Dogs

Before I commence on writing this post I would like to please ask you not to inform PETA about this article. The dogs loved doing this. Well, at least one of them did.

Halloween is a time when we dress up and I believe it was originally intended to chase away evil spirits. Over the years it’s morphed into something quite different and now it’s all about slutty mail carriers and Miley Cyrus bears. I, myself, have not dressed up in a couple of years and I don’t have any kids to live vicariously through so my poor dogs get the brunt of my Halloween love. They have no choice. I pick up their poop.

Meet my two furry models; Cosmo and Lolo Bean. They are the greatest dogs and give so much love it’s almost annoying but they are technically rescues so they should spread the love-vibe. If only I could get Cosmo to stop humping his blankets and Lolo so stop rooting through the bathroom trash basket.

The first victim is Cosmo. Little Lolo could only watch in confusion while I wrestled Cosmo into his Prison Jumpsuit I bought from Target for the price of $11.99. It’s pretty cute and even has a little slot where the inmate number goes so you can write what his offenses are. I have a list like, barking at the next door neighbor’s kid, humping his blanket, chewing up my blankets, putting his wet snout on the center of my back when I am asleep, stealing Lolo’s chew treats and dropping tennis balls in the toilet. I decided to write “Being Cosmo”.

It’s not too complicated of an outfit, but you can see he definitely doesn’t mind wearing it. Almost as if he feels good about it. A life of crime doesn’t pay, my friend, and you and I both know you get antsy in your crate. He does look cute running around in a onesy that is a size too small.

Next victim is Lolo Bean. She’s a really patient type and lets me do pretty much anything other than clip her nails. She is wearing a cheerleader’s uniform I got from Target for $6.99 and I am not sure why this little piece of fabric costs so much. Regardless I slid her into the costume and found out that Bean might not qualify as a small dog.

It’s pretty snug and you can tell from her expression she is anything but thrilled. She get’s lots of loves from everyone and I think a sense of entitlement is starting to take root with her. Either that or my continuing theory that she is plotting my murder by doing the only thing she can and try to suffocate me in my sleep. She even tries when I am away! You might think it’s cute how she forces her head over my mouth and nose and refuses to let me up but it is also weird and in the dark of her eyes, I see murder.

SEE?!?! Evil in a “Rah Rah Ruff” costume.

It took awhile to wrestle Cosmo out of his jail suit for the next costume. It was a little more complex. It had a hat.

I bought him his second costume, again at Target, for the cool price of $24. Since Cosmo is a bottomless pit and will eat just about everything, I thought it was appropriate to dress him as a culinary professional. Or, as we know it, a chef. The issue with this costume is the hat. He takes off in a dead sprint for no real reason so I am expecting this hat to be chewed up and buried within the first hour of wearing it.

The main part of the costume wasn’t overly that complicated but it did involve a very low on the abdomen velcro belt and my forearm kept bumping his wiener which made for awkwardness and no eye contact for the rest of the night.

He’s a good boy but such a spaz! I could not get him to stay still long enough to successfully get everything in one fell swoop so I had to distract him with treats while I tied his kerchief, making sure he could still breath.

Finally, we have the hat and it was not nearly as difficult as I was expecting. Believe it or not, it actually stayed on too! I think my friend and I laughed for a solid ten minutes when it was finally done. He looks half pathetic and half Gordon Ramsey.

Trust me, he is a lot happier than he appears. In fact, I think I caught him checking himself out in the bathroom mirror. After he dropped another one of his tennis balls in the toilet. Very handsome, indeed.

This is the look of something that will potentially shit in your shoe.

We finally come to the last costume, a dinosaur purchased at Target for around $15 and as you see, I didn’t put it on right. I though Lolo Bean was too fat for it but then upon closer inspection, I figured the top strap was for the neck, bringing the arms higher which made much more sense. Sorry I called you fat, Lolo.

Not the greatest picture but here is what it is supposed to look like. Pretty fierce.

She spent the rest of the night with her back turned to me. I fear for my life now.

That’s the pet costume show of 2013. I hope you dress your furry family members up too and share them with the rest of us.

October 18, 2013 2

McBoo Pails…Sort Of.

As a kid nothing signified that Halloween was truly here like the launch of the McDonald’s Boo Pales. I am guessing the first ones came out around 1986 which carried strong all the way through the 90’s and then something happened. Maybe kids got fat and Burger University did a study and came to the conclusion that tradition and awesomeness was to blame? Whatever the reason, the Boo Pails disappeared for a few years leaving me sad and broken with nowhere to put candy that it can marinate in french fry smell. But luckily for us nostalgia nuts, they brought them back in the mid-2000’s. Happy days were had by all until now, 2013.

What the Hell is this? What does this have to do with Halloween? WHO SOLD THEIR SOUL TO DISNEY AND….GIRL TOY MAKER? You can actually hear the boardroom conversation where McDonald executives laugh evilly as they award contracts to Monster High, Star Wars, Lucas Film Ltd and Angry Birds. This sucks and I hate it.

And that is when I need to remind myself I am in my mid-30’s and what is neat to a six-year-old is probably total dog shit to me. I just hate when companies like these ride on the Halloween wave with no intention of giving a nod to the holiday. Or the people who made them a success.

Well, since I bought two of them I might as well see what they are all about.

Let us start with the girl bucket. (Or boy bucket if they so choose. I wouldn’t but that’s me.) From the Monster High toy line we see Frankie Stein and her diva face performing a hip 1960’s dance with a severed arm. Okay, I guess that is a little Halloween but it’s also clearly a year-round toy line so, I am sorry, it does not count.

Inside the bucket we have the same old Happy Meal that you can get in April; a tiny french fry, burger or chicken nugget, apples and small drink. McDonald’s cuts a corner with the toy but does provide stickers which I am sure all parents will be chiseling off the TV and a link to a phone app where kids can play a game. This will make parents even happier. RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE SARCASM RABBLE RABBLE.

The Angry Bird Star Wars bucket is exactly the same; stickers to be stuck somewhere and phone apps to smudge apple-sticky fingers on mom and dad’s iPhone screen. I don’t feel I need to give a side by side comparison.

The app is the only real Halloween themed part of the pails this year. I guess I am okay with this but McDonald’s really doesn’t hide the fact it’s all about low overhead. It’s as if the entire American society blamed little Fat Fatty Kevin’s obesity on puppet McNuggets dressed in Halloween costumes and demanded McDonald’s be lame and provide fruit.

Oh…wait. They actually did.

Let’s take a look at the app. Maybe there is some soul preserving qualities here.

“Hey kids, this is advertising!”

Noooo shit, McDonald’s. I guess it’s just a little funny to see them state that in such a way. It’s even funnier that they are addressing kids when clearly it’s meant for adults (with no life) who care.

Okay, I feel the spooky vibe they are giving here. It’s very much like an Angry Bird skill where you pull the ball back and try to land it in the cauldron using trajectory and a bit of gentle skill. The hilarity begins when you have to collect vegetables, protein and fruit. Notice how the protein is a fish?

Who does McDonalds think they are? I bought two buckets to write this review and Lord knows I don’t have any self-control so I ate two tiny fries, a hamburger, four chicken nuggets, two sprites and half an apple that I am sure is 40% preserves. Absolutely nothing in this meal is good for me or for my diet (yes, I am on a diet) so to have a game where you need to collect a carrot, a fish and a pear gives me the giggles. Sorry McD’s, you ain’t health no matter what you shove at kids. Sure, deep-fried meat pellets have protein but they also have fat-butt.

In conclusion I will say, I looked forward to what McDonalds was going to bring to the season since August. Not that I feel good about buying kids meals at 11pm and getting the weird eye from the McDonalds employee who HAS ONLY ONE EYE but I feel that a bit of my childhood is alive in Boo Pales and kids of today should experience them without having shit they already enjoy everyday plastered all over it. LET IT BE HALLOWEEN AND UNHEALTHY! IT WON’T KILL ANYONE!

D Minus. Try again next year.

October 14, 2013 7

6, 6, 6 Scary Scenes Mwaa Haa Haa

For years horror movies have always been the preferred choice in my household. I can’t tell you why, but also I can’t tell you why insane hot sauce is my condiment for everything. I guess it is that “in the moment” discomfort I crave. Sadistic or masochistic, you say? Maybe. All I know is that on a rainy and cold night, you will find me on a couch, eating pizza sprinkled with Dave’s Insanity sauce watching The Exorcist 666 times because it keeps getting funnier every time I see it.

Another reason I watch horror movies over, let’s say, comedies or dramas is because they stick with you. Especially certain scenes. You never come home at night from watching Die Hard 5 in theatre and race to turn on the lights because you are worried Bruce Willis is behind the couch, do you? No, you don’t! I want to feel that twinge of fear, that moment when you have to squint your eyes because if you only see 30% of a scene it might not be as scary, that feeling of waking up at 3:33am and wanting to pee but there is no way you’re putting your feet on the floor. I love it all and spending $15 at the theatre should involve a bit of residual entertainment.

Today, I want to share six scenes from amazing films that have and always will stick with me. To some, they may not be scary at all but for some reason they give me the chills. I can’t tell you if I over analyze or I really am just a wuss, but take a gander and see if you share my moments in cinema scares.

The Haunting 1963

Oh boy this one got me. I remember back in 2006 I was sitting on the couch, flipping through the channels when I stumbled across the opening title of The Haunting. Intrigued by the title, I stayed to give it a shot even though it was a black and white movie and to a nitwit like I was, that almost certainly means “not scary”. Man oh man, I could not have been more wrong. The whole movie was a creep fest and when the girl I was dating at the time came through the front door, I almost jumped out of my skin.

This scene was by far one of the most creep-out parts even modern horror films of the day could not hold a candle to. From the giggling to the inaudible chattering behind the door, it still makes my hairs stand on end. Watch and see!

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Of course if you are a fan of the horror genre you have most likely seen the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. If you have not, go back to your Sandra Bullock movies. (I kid) This film has plenty of disturbing and creepy images but the very beginning always made this one, the film that separates itself from the pack. Corpses posed on a tombstone with a radio news bulletin in the background paints a macabre scene and swearing off ever going to rural Texas.

The Blair Witch Project

Why did this film get such a bad rap? For the life of me I cannot understand why? The actors were amazing, there was a constant sense of hopeless dread and above all, the disorienting sounds in the woods insuring that going camping will never be the same again. A particular scare that has never left me was the sounds of dead children playing right outside the character’s tent. I actually felt their panic and when they bolted from the tent, it was hard to tell acting from true terror. Turn off the lights and turn up the speakers. Let your imagination do the rest.

The Amityville Horror

It’s said that this is a true story and to a kid that always amplifies the scare factor by ten but besides all the hype, the ghost/demon/rocking chair enthusiast, Jodi really was what kept the closet light on. This was my first real horror movie that didn’t rely on the Universal monster magic or special effects. A simple empty rocking chair moving on its own and glowing eyes will paralyse me far easier than some a dude tearing his face off. Maybe I easily impressed?

This scene easily takes a top spot. Be quiet, I don’t wear a dress!

Ghost Story

I grew up without cable so I was always a little tardy to the party when it came to movies that were taboo to a young boy’s eyes. However, my grandparents did and a fateful day in 1984 I channel surfed right into this little ditty. For the first half of the movie, Ghost Story, you see a terrifying specter take revenge on old men in this type of “BOO!” fashion. It worked on me. I have a specific memory of actually running away from the TV.

The Brood

This was a movie that came later in my adolescence though I have always known about it. Although I didn’t find the movie to be all that scary, the scene in the kitchen was shot so perfectly, I think about it at least twenty times a day. Usually about wooden hammers. I can’t tell whether it’s the look on the children’s faces or the fact there isn’t a sound made before all Hell breaks loose.

Maybe it’s kids in snowsuits? I don’t know.

Well, there you have it! The six creepy scenes that I think about right when I begin to fall asleep.

What are yours? Do you have a movie that surprised you or took you off guard? Share them with me either here, Facebook or Twitter!

Sleep tight.

October 6, 2013 6

Ode To My Favorite Halloween Painting…From A Calendar

I am about to share with you a very special memory from 1985. It’s no secret many of my nostalgic roots are grounded in the autumn season, Halloween in particular. As a kid I looked forward to the month of October sometime around July so I would always flip the kitchen calendar ahead to see what it had in store for the upcoming season. The year 1985 won hands down.

Mom always had Charles Wysocki calendars and I am sure if you grew up in the 80’s, you are familiar. I loved the detailed artwork especially in the Halloween and Christmas scenes. They had so much going on it was like Where’s Waldo chaos but with nothing specific to find. It was just busy and to a seven-year old in with ten TV channels, no VCR and definitely without video games, this was pure entertainment to me. I spent hours staring at this odd world and daydreaming what a horror hotel would be like. This is responsible for my love of Halloween.

A few months ago I was thinking about this calendar, in particular October of 1985. With a few Google searches and some wild guesses like “spooky scene 1980’s calendar”, to my amazement, not only did I find it but I could buy the original. And I did. It’s currently hanging in my office but I took it down to scan and share it with you.

Here are some closer images to take a gander at.

Good grief, the top corner has some pretty crazy things going on. From a lynched scarecrow to a an executioner walking his spiked pig and cow-cat, it’s hard to wrap you mind around the scene if you didn’t have the whole picture. I’ve been debating whether to send this cropped portion as a Halloween card but all my friends don’t need any further excuse to question my sanity.

I am a big fan of the wispy ghosts through the cemetery. I remember thinking of these before bedtime at seven years old. Oh my innocence lost.

Holy cats, look at all of this! It’s hard to know where to start but my eyes always go to the Amish Jedediah guy in the broken window. Know idea why because you have a number of crazy creatures carrying hammers and axes, looking menacingly at you. I would make fun of the guy with the ax for the way he is sitting but, you know, he has an ax. I’ll let that one slide.

Notice the chipmunk-bear riding a bird? Yeah, I barely did too. And a naked dog…thing.

Here we have two gents having a nap, one with a horned dog on his lap. I think they are asleep but judging by the theme, they may well be dead. I’ll leave that up to your imagination but we clearly see a blue hand sticking out of the bag so death isn’t exactly a gamble.

Pithia’s Bloodlust Wrinkledeath is by far one of the greatest names to be named a name. Can you imagine your last name being Wrinkledeath? There could only be one profession for you! If you weren’t a body remover you had to at least be a pro wrestler.

This is funny because back in the day the girls in my second grade class wore these pants which had straps for their feet. I believe they called them stirrups. I always thought the guy with bare feet was wearing girl pants. That dates me as an old man.

So there is my little piece of my history which explains what made Halloween so special to me. There are thousands of these types of memories but it’s rare to own one and get to relieve it, if only for a few minutes.

October 3, 2013 2

Home Improvement’s Halloween Recap

Say what you will about the 1990’s show, Home Improvement, with its corny humor and tired storyline but when it comes to Halloween, few shows rival Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor. Every season seemed to get more elaborate with crazier gimmicks which lets the viewers know, when it comes to Halloween, the Taylors take no prisoners.

Let’s recap the second season’s Halloween episode, “The Haunting of the Taylor House”. It’s a good one. Trust me.

I can’t say that I have seen all the episodes of Home Improvement but the many I have seen always start with the fictitious show, Binford’s “Tool Time”, where Tim destroys something while simultaneously proving a point in the battle between sexes as Al looks on in disapproval. This episode is no different. We see Al has his jack-o-lantern completed in the image of his idle and show’s competitor, Bob Vila. But Tim has a new way of carving which involves, carving the design, filling the pumpkin with natural gas, a mild spark charge and, of course, MORE POWER.

Al, knowing his boss’s previous attempts which usually led to failure, decides to go for cover before the explosion.

But as usual, Al pays for Tim’s stupidity and winds up with a face full of pumpkin guts. I would say Al should have known better but it was only the second season. These gags went on for eight years folks.

We find ourselves back at the Taylor’s house as Jill, Randy and the little kid no one gives a shit about prepares for Brad’s Halloween party. The whole house is decorated to perfection from skeletons to hundreds of paper pumpkins. There is even a severed monster head in the microwave. Who thinks to decorate appliances? The fuckin’ Taylors do, that’s who.

Jill is having fun creating a concoction using peeled grapes with vanilla pudding (eyeballs and puss) and chocolate pudding with gummy worms (worms in mud). I’ve never been able to indulge in such Halloween themed treats because I will most likely vomit on someone’s sofa. It’s the thought of puss, actually. I blame the porridge scene in the movie, Dead Alive.

Before the party begins, Brad enters the scene in a wicked-gay Raggedy Andy costume. His girlfriend, Jennifer, decided on a couples costume and for some unknown reason Brad agreed to that insane idea. There are plenty of reasons to be made fun of in middle school but this is one that has complete legitimacy. Put your balls in the drawer, Brad. You won’t be needing them for the rest of the show.

Throughout the show the gags keep coming from Tim showing off his fake meat cleaver through the head to the mysterious neighbor, Wilson, carving his own image hidden by the obnoxious fence in a pumpkin. They only had twenty-two minutes to squeeze in all they could and did quite an impressive job. It’s how Halloween should be.

Before the party begins the younger siblings head out to trick-r-treat but not before Tim grabs Randy’s bag out of suspicion. And rightfully so. Randy was on his way out to create havoc with shaving cream, a six-pack of eggs and a roll of toilet paper. Not too sure how much havoc a kid could create with that light of a load but thinking quick on his feet, Randy explained it was for his friend’s mother who didn’t have time to go to the store and needed shaving cream, six eggs and one roll of toilet paper.

Quickly dismissed, Tim lets them go sans tools of destruction. Oh, and forgot to point out the youngest is dressed like the Tool Man for Halloween. I am not sure if this is true but the alternative script had him catching on fire and beaten out with a series of different golf clubs.

So remember I was telling you about how Brad agreeing to go as a couples costume? Not only did she screw him over by not coming as Raggedy Ann but the bitch showed up with another boy TO HIS OWN PARTY! And this kid is a tool too.

There are certain ways to handle this. Brad could not let them in and revoke the invite. Maybe calmly walk to the kitchen, remove a kitchen knife and make a mask out of their faces? Or just run in ridiculously large shoes outside yelling for everyone to leave him alone.

He did the latter. Remember, his balls are in the kitchen’s miscellaneous drawer for the rest of the show.

With a little help from his dad giving him a pep talk and some terrible advice about women, Brad goes inside to find out what drove his woman into the arms of an over-acting d-bag. It turns out her reason to make him look like an asshole is because Brad picked another girl for his kickball team. Like a puppet on a string, Brad apologized, completely forgetting he is dressed as Raggedy Andy and she brought another asshole to his party.

FINALLY! All the drama is behind us and the battle of the sexes has ceased, it’s time to go down to the haunted basement! Jill, in here carrot costume, leads the party down the steps to an amazingly decorated haunted lab full black lights, dry ice and bubbling concoctions with tubes and beakers strewn all over. As they cautiously scan the cellar, they discover…

...FRANKEN-NANA!

So amazing and elaborate! It’s like Ernest’s P. Worell’s alter-ego, Old Lady Hackmore, has returned from the grave. As Tim stiffly walks towards the spooked kids, he hacks up a maggot and chases all the guests straight up the stairs. All except one kid. The little asshole Brad’s girlfriend brought to the party. And this kid has serious parental disrespect.

After a rant about how stupid everything looks and how dumb Brad’s little brother is, he get’s personal with Tim Taylor and attacks his show calling it “Fool Time”. That causes Tim to break character from Franken-Nana and point him in the direction to the Binford tool chest.

Arrogantly, the kid circles the tool chest, mocking Tim every step of the way. I hope this kid gets beaten at home and sleeps in a closet because that’s the only reason to be such a little dick. But when he opens the top cabinet, it breaks away to reveal a bucket. And underneath the bucket is…

THE SEVERED HEAD OF VAMPIRE AL!!!

The cocky little prick pissed himself and ran screaming around the basement only to be met with a roaming headless body (Randy) and backed straight into…

MUMMY NEIGHBOR WILSON!!!

This kid shit everywhere and it felt great to see a haunted basement take a bully down a few notches. It’s the kind or redemption that makes a Halloween addict smile. Go home kid so your dad can give you another cigar burn, you punk!

This was when TV adored the Halloween season. It’s a fun and simple episode that I can watch hundreds of times over and never get tired of. It’s as if the writers put Halloween first and tried to fit a story to fill between the props and costumes. I love it and Home Improvement kept Halloween special for many seasons.

September 23, 2013 5

Category: funny

6, 6, 6 Scary Scenes Mwaa Haa Haa

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