Category: Food

Beer, Polka, And Pumpkins

I have to admit that October is my favorite month of the year and there are a few reasons for that. One is the fact that I love the Halloween season. That’s a given if you have read my previous posts. The other reason is flippin’ Oktoberfest! It’s a German celebration and a great reason to eat bratwurst, drink beer and dance to the accordion polka rhythm. I love every bit of it and in Helen, Georgia we hit the German fest with both fists. It was wunderbar!

Up in the North Georgia mountains, Helen is a really cute town that hosts this drunkfest. If you start the beer drinking at 4pm then by 10 you may actually believe you are in Germany. The only thing to ground you back to the reality that you are in North Georgia are the numerous T-shirt/novelty shops every 30 feet. You know, T-shirts with the muscle guy with a dalmatian head flexing in a fire fighter outfit or “one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor ” shirt? Anyway, it was like a redneck Germany.

Oh yeah, you can buy a shit load of swords, lighters, old time personal photos, smashed and imprinted pennies, leather hats and whoopie cushions too. I have only been to Germany twice and it is true that whoopie cushions are a hard item to find. So you have that to keep you grounded as well.

Crap, I almost forgot! If you every need skulls and skeletons posed playing golf, working or Elvis impersonating you can get them in Helen. In hind sight I should have bought some as stocking stuffers just to keep the family guessing my sanity.

The elderly out numbered the younger generations by about 200 to 1. There were numerous tour buses and crown vics from all over the country, mainly from Pennsylvania, Illinois and Arizona for some reason. As you can see from the guy in white Stride-Rites and a proud Members Only jacket we kind of stood out. But never the less we had all come to Helen for the same reason and that is Oktoberfest. Even if I was there for the perfect beer and they were there for, I don’t know, the perfect frozen yogurt?

So after a few hours of shopping and old people watching we checked into the hotel. It’s nice to find a Hampton Inn where Deliverance was filmed. That movie is always in mind when I am in the North Georgia mountains because inbreds and banjos freak me out to no extent. Anyway the hotel was great and the people were so nice it was almost sickening. I’m sure if I requested to trade shoes with them they would do so and include their socks as well.

So after some rest and changed into my KISS ’75 Tour shirt we headed out for a night that I was made for; drinking, eating and being merry. Believe it or not Helen was pretty much a ghost town and the check in desk vaguely mentioned the festivities start at 7pm. So we made are way to the center of town to see where Oktoberfest began and all we could see was a line of old people going into a large covered pavilion. That was it and I a little worried I was going to be let down. But it was cool because a few beers can even make church enjoyable.

I write about our Oktoberfest fun tomorrow when I get the pictures back. So for now I will leave you with the first beer of the night. It’s my motto that all guests should have a beer or cocktail so there you are. Enjoy the brew and stop by tomorrow afternoon to read about Polka and the quest for the ultimate pumpkin from the scary, God fearing mountain patch of Dawsonville, GA.

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Eating Sounds

  I don’t know if I am being overly prickish about this but there is one thing that turns my blood cold and that is the sounds people make when eating certain foods. I probably do the same but I am usually preoccupied with not choking or dropping food from mouth to shirt. Either way, like an asshole, I am only annoyed when other people do this. Please don’t judge me for being this way because deep down, I know you feel the same too.

  Apples. I personally believe God made the apple the forbidden fruit bacause he could not stand to hear the crunching and sucking sound Adam and Eve would surely make. Satan on the other hand loves that sound because in Hell, apple eating sounds would be blasted from loud speakers 24/7.  You can’t find this in the New Testament but the Billy New New Testament, it is there in bold print.

 I recently spent a weekend with my Dad and he loves apples. After dinner I watched him eat an apple with such intensity, it was remenisant of Day of the Dead. With every bite I felt the need to shout, “Watch your fingers!” I had to remove myself from the situation and take a walk in the rain.

  Cereal Milk. I can’t really explain why this grosses me out but it does. A few years ago I was over at a friend’s house and their kids where at the kitchen table eating cereal. Now I love kids and it takes a lot for me to be cross with them. They could shit in the ball pool at Chuck E. Cheese and I would think it is cute. But watching these kids blow bubbles in their old cereal milk with straws and slurp it up made me vurp. I prayed that these kids could just finish before I slam my face into the macaronni art covered fridge.

 Movie Popcorn. I rarely go to the movies but a year ago I had the pleasure of sitting in front of a dude that ate popcorn like a dog eats a 15 piece whad of gum. I swear that every other minute I checking the back of my head for A.B.C. popcorn. I know I could have moved but I also hate making people feel bad because it would have been obvious that I was annoyed. So I sat there, catching half of Flags Of Our Fathers, and I think I took my aggression out on Clint Eastwood because I walked away thinking that the film was average at best.

  Commercials. This goes out to advertisement execs. If you really want me to change the channel, air a commercial with people eating loudly. There is a advertisement that gives a first person view of a chick siting in a lake gnawing  on a granola bar. Why do we have to suffer through that? There are two things certain about granola bars; they will keep you from shitting for a month and they are hard as plywood. Do they need to drive that point home with inside the skull crunching?

 How many licks does it take to get to the inside of a tootsie roll tootsie pop? “That’s not a lick you dick-hole owl!” That’s what I would say if I was that kid.

 I know I have been crabby about this subject but I am about to tackle six straight hours on MBA online work and it’s my way of venting before I have to do this. Thanks for hearing me out. I am really not this big of a dick. Unless you chew your ice. Then I may kill you.

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Jones Halloween Cans….Just don’t chug it

Well, it’s that time of year again. The mid September temperatures have become noticeably cooler, Matt Caracappa’s site X-Entertainment has kicked off the fifth annual Halloween Countdown and stores have now started stocking costumes and spooky treats to insure no malicious tricks. This year also brings a new fun treat for me with the much anticipated Jones Halloween Sodas. Every year these sodas embody what Halloween should be and that is pure campy fun no matter if the flavors are nectar of the Gods or the shit of Satan. They come in many flavors that are separated by bottles and mini cans. Today I am going to try some of the canned flavors and show my reaction.

First on the list is “Gruesome Grape” and I am going to go out on a limb and say this is just grape soda. The can is pretty cool with it being all grapey. That was the stupidest sentence I have ever written. I wish Jones came up with something cooler than grape soda. Next year, have a Dr. Frankenstein combination of grape and clamato juice soda. Now that’s Halloweeny. Let’s have a look at the taste test.

That's it. Gruesome Grape.
Here goes nothin'

Real grapes!
Gruesome Grape was what I thought so now onto the soda that really pulled one over on me. I have never been a fan of anything artificially flavored strawberry. I don’t know why but it never seems to really hit the spot where I say, “now that’s strawberry!” I think it’s because I actually ate a Strawberry Shortcake doll when I was much younger. Still drinking age but much younger. Back to the point. I really dug the Jones Strawberry/Lime soda, “Strawberry S’Lime”. Here is a photo depiction of skepticism turned approval.

I donno. Looks like shiiirawberry...

Down the hatch!
Thanks Ronnie. I couln't say it better.

With Ronnie James Dio’s help, I express my approval for Jones “Strawberry S’Lime” sode. Maybe it was the lime or maybe my expectations for anything strawberry were just very low. What ever the reason is, I like it. That’s enough for me to give three spins in socks on linoleum for it and that’s a good thing. On to my most anticipated soda; “Lemon Drop Dead.”

Anything lemon/lime makes me pretty darn happy. If Sprite could cure cancer I am pretty sure I would die from something else. (That’s another dumb sentence.) So the flavor “Lemon Drop Dead” was something right up my alley. Enough with the talk, let’s drink some!

I love the can too. Very cute.
This is the same drinking shot. Once you see one...

FUCK!

Holy shit that was sour! I didn’t see the sour warning on the side of the can. I swear my right testicle was suck up and I had to be dropped Indian style off the couch. All I can say to describe it is, imagine chugging pure lemon juice and then have someone stick their thumbs right behind where your jaw meets the bottom of your ear and press in. GNGAAA!

Last and definitely least I present to you the pride of what Jones company does best and that is to make unnatural flavors. Here is “Candy Corn” soda. Like the Thanksgiving assortment, Turkey and Stuffing soda, I am expecting this to be pretty harsh. Here we go.

Oh God!

This feels like the time I syphoned gas.

Screen Shot 2014-07-28 at 9.33.24 AM

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That actually happened after I drank the Candy Corn soda. But don’t worry, the face is back to normal. Much like poor Marty, it was just a hallucination. Mine was from ester gum and yellow 5, not evil spirits, though. This was a can of funk but I still love it for what it is, a Halloween awesome novelty. Only in America can you get a soda, hate the taste but drink it anyway because the can is aces.

Well, thank you Jones Soda Company! You did it again and it wouldn’t be the Season of the Witch without you. Whether the flavors are enough to make me high-five myself or make me tear my face off, you have a spot in my heart. Next week I’ll try the bottles but the cans get an A. Good job and I can’t wait for the Holiday pack in November.

5

Getting Ready For Fall: Beer Review

Well, as most of you know I have recently left South Florida and now I can finally have the seasons back. It has been two years and I know I am wishing them too soon but I can’t help it. As August draws to a close, Fall has begun to creep in the retail, grocery and drug stores. This means only one thing. Drinking beer with a celebratory purpose! Tonight I have purchased the J.W. Dundee’s Beer Pack because J.W. is directly responsible for me being intoxicated many Halloweens in a row. I consider Honey Brown the poor man’s snooty beer that you can find at Kroger for $10 or less. For that, I love J.W.

There she is! The box of hopes, dreams, loss of virginity, and many nights roaming around fields, talking to myself at 4 in the morning, pissed that Balky Bartakomas never returned to his homeland of Meepose. This box made me what I am socially and now I can pay tribute to the cheap lager that separated me from the rednecks at the party.

Ah, look what we have to choose from! Four glorious beers of different taste and alcohol percentage. By the time one beer was downed the chance of the other three getting their fair shake was iffy at best. So tonight, now that I am 29 with a seasoned liver, the other three will get their time in the spot light.

The cell phone camera doesn’t do it justice but the fine print says “perfectly balanced.” True that, because that is the first thing I will say to a cop when asked to perform a sobriety test. “Officer, there is no way I can fail. I drank 9 perfectly balanced beers and if I falter, I am suing.” People don’t drink health drinks to be sick!

I actually have a normal looking hand but I can’t figure out the dimensions of the picture enough to care. “I am not deformed.” (That is for you Kneg) Pale Bock is the beer you drink at the Hayride Drink-Tank to show how festive you are. Unfortunately this beer can also screw you over because it is too heavy to mix well with Jell-O shots and if you drink this to look sophisticated, you may have your card pulled by yarfing on the girlfriend’s overalls while making out in the pumpkin patch. Not that I know.

This beer, Pale Ale, had to be tasted with a careful balance of Birthday cake ice cream. Sophisticated beer calls for sophisticated ice cream. I drank this while finishing my degree from University of Maryland and believe it or not, people respected my choice of beverage. They form opinions about foreign policy, politics, engineering projects and national policy but they are still impressed by the mere fact I did not drink Bud lite for $1.50 but choose to drink a $3.50 Pale Ale. Did that make me rich in personality or wealthy in appearance? Who knows, but that is the loudest voice of nonconformity and they judged me on what I drank.

Ah….the oldie but goody! This beer symbolizes the end of summer and the beginning of fall. This is the beer that I drank in graveyards at night and behind football stadiums after the varsity game. The best times of my life have been forever linked to this beverage. This beer symbolizes old friends reunited and new friends met. I think that is what the fall season is as a whole. You know what? I am going to pay tribute to Honey Brown and the J.W. pack tonight. I know it is August but what the fuck? What can I carve?

Why not? Jack-o-Lanterns where able to scare away evil spirits so why not peppers? I think I will make a tribute to my favorite Fall time beverage from J.W. Dundee the way I want to. I am going to make the most sincere Pep-O-Lantern (Kristiane) anyone has ever seen and try not to cut off my finger. I am carving under the influence!

It is not the greatest but it makes me happy. Shit, that is all that matters anyway. Thank you for the memories J.W. Dundee. I am a better man because of you and I know, here in August, to not let Autumn go by unnoticed. It will be hard to not notice with Matt’s X-Entertainment.com Halloween countdown anyway. We are lucky to be living right here, right now.

I am going to leave you with that. A pepper that can ward off evil spirits. Do you think I am drunk yet?

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