Category: entertainment

Annual Halloween Theme Sitcoms No More

 When did the Halloween season become a money loser for prime time TV? I remember when the top shows would advertise for the last week of October like it was sweeps month. Now I know some shows like The Office have had their one Halloween themed episode but that was it. There is no annual anticipation anymore. Here is a look back at my favorite sitcoms that we could always count on for their effort to out-do the previous year. And no, The Simpsons; Tree House Of Horror isn’t on the list, that’s in November.

  This is one of my favorites growing up. I really can’t figure out why because the dry English humor must have been way over head as an eight year old. What ever the reason was I have fond memories of watching the Halloween episode while my dad cut out cardboard armor for my knight Halloween costume because like usual, I made him buy me a $30 accesory (the helmet) and had no plan for the rest. I love you Mr. Belvedere, you fat old English bastard! Lets have a look.

 

Now I have to admit that when Silver Spoons came out I was still pissing the bed but I remember the Halloween episode with such clarity I can even remember what was for dinner that night. Granted it was episode number 49 and Rick Schrouder was in middle school, it was still a while ago. The one thing about Silver spoons is the theme song will stick in your head until you die.

 True story: I was in Halmark a couple of years ago huffing Yankee candles and humming the theme song to Silver Spoons when out of the blue another guy began to hum it with me. Before i knew it we broke out in song, much to the embarrassment of our significant others at the time. “Together, we’re going to find away…You and IIIIIIII, Togetherrr…”  And we even ended on the air guitar. Then we nodded at each other and made our way back to our girlfriends. Who ever that dude was, bless you.

   Lets take a gander at the Halloween episode of Silver Soons with the awesome intro voice!

 

   Oh boy, the Facts Of Life. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and and then you have….a show that got me beat up in elementary school for admitting to having seen. I will say that I have watched it now it is 20 years later and safely away from Bobby Simmons. For some strange reason I had a crush on Joe and looking back I can’t figure out why? I guess I have a thing for Italian chicks. I think this year I am going to be Natalie for Halloween.

  Now we go to the more recent but definitely dated shows. Roseanne is the one show I have never really gotten into until it has become a 3am hit on Nick@Nite. More over I never really was aware that the show had an annual Halloween episode that always tries to out do the last Halloween episode. And for that, I love you Roseanne. I never imagined myself saying that, but it is true. Sorry to step on your toes Tom, but i love you Roseanne. God I really do need help, don’t I?

 

   Finally for today’s post we end with my favorite pick for the best Halloween episodes and that is the great mid-west classic Home Improvement. I think I was at the age to really get into the Home Improvement era. It was after Alf but right before America’s Funniest Videos so I was really tuned into the idiotic humor that Tim Allen always managed to pull off. The Halloween episodes were classic in every sense, primarily because of the creative gist the show was founded on. I mean, who can afford to throw a Halloween party like the Taylors? The YouTube selections were really bad but if you squint hard enough you can make out my favorite episode when the annoying kid gets his after being a prick. I love that show.

  Well, for all those who read this keep Halloween close to your heart. It’s an American tradition and even if today’s sitcoms forget about it doesn’t mean we have to. We always have the oldies that I wish ABC, NBC and CBS would, at least for the last week of October, air instead of the crap that is out today. I do mean crap. I watched Greys Anatomy a couple of months ago and gave the TV the bird no less than 300 times.

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Pumpkins For The Soul

If you have read the previous couple of posts then you know it is the second day of our North Georgia adventure and I was on a quest to find the most sincere pumpkin patch in the land to prove to the Great Pumpkin that….actually I just wanted cheap pumpkins. So from memories of years past I knew of a pumpkin patch in Dawesonville that was the premier patch of the state. It is also the buckle of the bible belt and that is where we went.

Well, we found it without too much of a to-do and it had not changed a bit in ten years. Burt’s Pumpkin Patch has turned into quite a tourist attraction but it hasn’t lost it’s moral ground. Right when we pulled in there was a huge sign that stated, “No Profanity Of Any Kind Will Be Tolerated.” Well fuck!

That was just the beginning of the signed rules and regulations you needed to follow to not be tossed out on your gourd. Here are just a few and I swear I am not making any of these up.

No swearing, no sitting on the pumpkins, no standing on the pumpkins, no riding in the wheelbarrows, no pushing the wheelbarrows unless you are over 15, no jumping on the pumpkins, you break it you buy it, no horse play, no handling of food, no picking pumpkins up by the stems, no audible music, only walking in the shop and a few others that have escaped me. Oh yeah, I forgot the bible verse above the check out table; “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” That should keep people from shoplifting apple butter.

I have to admit that this gets me in the Halloween mood. Even if it is 87 degrees and 60% humidity out, I can feel that All Souls Day is on it’s way. I guess that getting pumpkins from a pumpkin patch is better because I have never see green or white pumpkins at Kroger or Albertson’s. The variety was beyond what thought it would be. You had organic ones, genetically altered huge ones, tiny ones, oblong ones, and ever squarish ones. If you walk away from Burt’s without a pumpkin because you were dissatisfied with the selection than you should just make your own. Not grow your own, make your own, because your are basically calling mother nature a no talent bitch.

Here are a few of the $65 and up pumpkins that could house a family of cats. For some reason these pumpkins never appealed to me. I am more of traditional kind of guy and I feel that Farmer Burt had messed with nature a little too much because in the 80’s I never remember being eye level to them.

Burt’s Pumpkin Farm also had an indoor store filled with really cute country items to decorate for the Halloween season. I did feel like I had to tiptoe around because every five feet there was a blunt sign that read, “You Break, You Buy.” I think it would be hard to break one rule without breaking another because if I did drop something it would be followed by me yelling, “Goddamn motherfuckin’ asshole dick-licking suck bitch.”

Well, soon we picked our pumpkins and loaded our barrel with other goodies. I don’t have a front yard so the yard ornaments where just eye candy but the hanging ones where bought. As you can see there is another sign telling us to keep our hand in our pockets but Tara knows I have plastic. I have to admit after an hour I was ready to head on because of the over dominating Bible beating presence. I’m not anti-church but leave Halloween out of it. I think I may feel different if we were there for a Christmas tree.

Well, Burt’s has a great patch and the is little doubt about it. Do I think it is the most sincere patch that will draw the Great Pumpkin, I don’t think so. I feel that the over whelming watchful eye is too much to really enjoy yourself. I give Burt’s Pumpkin Farm 3 out of 5…I don’t know…pumpkins?

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Beer, Bama, And Carrot Eating Dogs

Yesterday after the Alabama game and possibly 30 beers under the belt each, my buddy and I began to debate whether the age of information is good or bad. Of course like any moderate conservative I took the road of good but with limitations. By limitations I mean no kiddie porn or access to bomb making secrets. Other that, anything goes. My buddy felt that information made so easy will keep kids socially inept and eventually lead to a class divide in which the people who “can’t do” post videos that will sway weak minded people into believing 9/11 was an inside job or something like that. Like I said, many beers were had.

I won him over after a few minutes of debate. I don’t know how this debate started or why but I put it all on the line by thinking of the most random thing possible to show him that freedom of information isn’t dangerous, it is American. So to prove my point I typed in a dog…with my name (Bill)…eating a carrot. This is what came up.

The dog’s name was Bill. Debate over.

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I’m No Picasso

I can honestly say my Mom has never willfully departed with anything from my childhood. It’s not that she is a pack-rat but I think that the action of throwing something away is more like throwing out memories. But this Fall the folks are having their basement professionally finished and they are forced to purge a lot of my old stuff. I don’t know what I have down in their basement but I asked the parents to keep what they think I would want and send me some books I had. So they did. Here are a few and they came with something I haven’t thought about in many years.

The first on the list is this gem that back in 1982 cost a whopping quarter from a garage sale. I think this book has a lot to do with my love of sharks. I can’t remember much from ’82 but I remember taking this book everywhere. Reading this 17 page book doesn’t take me back as much as what is on the blank inside cover.

Holy shit, I can believe I have forgotten about my obsession with drawing on the inside of books. I see the movie Return Of The Jedi really made an impression because this is obviously the Rancor and if you look hard enough you can see Luke and Vader doing something. I like to believe they are throwing the Rancor dog treats between filming. Hey, it’s my art.

This one is a little bit more on topic. Inspired by the great whites in the book I present to you a diver-stormtrooper immersed in shark infested waters. His cage looks a little cramped but it’s cool because he is obviously a yoga instructor too. As for the sharks they are at least recognizable as what they are; sharks. My personal favorite is the one on the bottom. It looks like the poor guy has a touch of the downs syndrome. Apparently his Mom didn’t lay off the booze and pot while pregnant. (This post just gets weirder and weirder)

I don’t have many memories of Hucklebug but apparently I looked through it because it is full of my doodles. That sounded funny. Anyway, I remember having this book with me when I was strapped in a car seat while driving through the mountains of Yellowstone. I was looking at the pictures when carsickness overtook and i yarfed pink Neco-wafers all over the window. It’s funny what you remember. I think about that when ever I see people eat neco wafers.

Good God there is a lot of crazy in this picture. But I have to hand it to myself, I have never seen a stormtrooper without his shoes on. There is one thing for sure, I sucked at drawing feet and guns. I do like the bird and whatever that thing is to the right, though. I want to say it’s an octopus. What do you think?

If you have read my previous posts you know I think Richard Scarry is the cat’s pajamas. Here is proof that I was a Richard Scarry fanatic and it is full of crayon marks that are way outside the lines. The Best Rainy Day Book Ever is what it says and I loved this book like a fat boy loves burgers. There are many connect the dots and colorless pictures for one to fill in but that wasn’t enough to keep me occupied. I had to take it to the next level and add my own art skills to what I thought Dick missed.

I think I knew I was destined to fly planes because as you can see, I wanted nothing to do with helicopters, blimps or balloons. I likes the planes and I even added a oxygen mask to the bear in the jet just to make it more “Top Gun” like. As you can see I tried the balloon but quickly gave up. They just never seemed very fun. Even to color.

Anything in water needed a shark and it must have been close to Halloween because the mice are rocking a pumpkin. Actually there are a lot of pumpkins littered all over this book. I think they are just easy to draw. I must say that at first glance that fin looks pretty big next to that boat but looking closer you’ll see that it is full of mice. So, those proportions are correct! I wasn’t a total monkey on a math problem.

See? Pumpkins everywhere, even on a hippo’s ass. Honestly, this had no comedic intention. I really thought this was a good spot to put a jack-o-lantern. So maybe I was a monkey on a math problem after all.

Another shark book to defame! I swear I have over 50 books about sharks. I actually tried to major in marine biology in college but found that the effort was too great. So my only knowledge of sharks come from the discovery channel because no matter how many books I have, the pictures were all I paid a attention to. But that’s okay because the pictures inspired my own artwork like this monstrosity below.

I promise this is the last one. I can’t even begin to describe this because it is really all over the map. It is obvious that this was before my other drawings because the sharks suck more than the ones before. I mean, I had to improve over the years, right? Well anyway, I obviously never took the advise of many How To Draw Sharks books the folks gave me. I think they were trying to tell me something.

Well, I will leave you with that. Seeing these books bring back memories that have been long lost. I’m glad I had the chance to see them and I am even more glad I drew in them. It’s like a look into my mind when I thought there really were Smurfs living in the backyard and there was a very good chance that when I grew up I was going to join the Rebellion against the Galactic Empire.

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Workin’ Out With Joan Lunden!

   I like to work out. I’m no gym rat but I consider myself in relatively good shape. I have a membership to the local health club and run at least two to three miles everyday. You know, not an olympian but I don’t pass out from climbing stairs. But lately I have become a little complacent with my workouts and really felt the need  to change it up. This is a little embaressing to admit because I was a Muscle Physiology major and a personal trainer for many years. I certainly couldn’t turn to some meat-headed trainer that can’t even touch his own ears and was certified with the help of Speak and Spell. No, I need to change to something that will shock the system and have people asking, “Bill, what’s your program, man? You’re ripped!”  What could it be…..?

Joan Lunden to the rescue! This is definitly where no man should go but desperate times calls for 1980’s morning anchor measures. But before I can hit muscle failure, pray to the Gods of Physical Fitness for mercy and lose my lunch to the comforting voice of Good Morning America, I need to prepare by getting in the mind set to work out with Joan herself. But really before all that I need a beer. After all, I need to carbo load!

After firing up the VCR and inserting Workout America I am graced by a quick one on one with the queen herself! Joan gets personal with just me about the trials and tribulations of childbirth, stress at work, and the fact that it has been an uphill battle shedding 40 pounds. Even though she has been off the air for years, it’s strange to see her out of the suit and into a lee-a-tard. It’s like seeing your high school teacher in a swimsuit and there is something just creepy about that. But all apparell aside, Joan Lunden was only a focus in my life when there was a chance that school would be cancelled because of snow. My mom always had Good Morning America on before I left for the bus stop but I only paid attention to the scrolling list at the bottom of the screen, looking desperatley for Mt. Bethel on the closed list. If it was, Joan Lunden was the recipiant of kisses and TV hugs. If it was not , she was promptly cursed. It’s not even like shooting the messenger. She just took the blame. Sorry Joan.

It’s go time! The work out starts with the old “walk in place” while Joan, three fit chicks and one fitness expert, Barbara Brandt, start the motivational chat. Barbara reminds me of the typical super mom/ PTA leader/ aerobics instructor/ trophy wife. The type to send your mom a Christmas card, bragging about herself and family while subliminally calling her fat. A real bitch.  At least she is good at what she does; making you walk in place, clapping, and being totally oblivious to the fact you that look like a fuckstick. But if clapping and walking will stop the monotony of my workouts then bring it on! I wonder what else she has up her sleeve?

Joan and Barbara have oldie but a goodie up their sleeve. That’s right folks! I’m doing The Charelston with the blinds closed. Hrm….the beer is kicking in so maybe I will open them. I can’t believe it but the pain session is just old dance moves combined with signature pelvic thrusts. It is akward to hear Barbara call the thrusts, ” female muscle thrusts” but it is even more disturbing to hear Joan back her up with a “We know what those are for!”

     It’s hard to believe that I am starting to sweat the beer I am drinking but hell, I think this is working! I feel pretty funny dancing like a flapper girl and slapping my thighs but whatever. I like who I am and if Joan Lunden is making me sweat than that is great. I’m going to a wedding in a few weeks and you better believe that these dance moves are in the bag for later. Except for the jerk. I can see me trying to explain that.

“No, no…it’s not gay! I learned it from a Joan Lunden workout tape!”


Well ladies and gentlemen, we’re not used to getting our news from this end. Actually this is a side rarely seen on Good morning America. But I guess it is a testament to the effectiveness of Barbara’s ancient dancing and clap-happy moves. clap-happy                           
BEAT YOUR FACE LUNDEN! I’M GOING TO TEAR OFF YOUR EARS, PUT THEM IN YOUR BACK POCKETS AND KICK YOU ASS IN SUROUND SOUND! yOUR SOUL BELONGS TO JESUS BUT YOU ASS BELONGS TO ME!


The push up! I can’t believe it but I am doing push ups with Joan to the music of a sony keyboard demo button! What kind of a world am I living in?  I really think I am starting to push my luck now that I find myself being coached to squeeze my pelvic muscles while preforming push ups. I hope we move to abs soon. No one likes to feel like a weinie and I am starting to feel like a stay at home mom.

Well, I finished all the excercises like a true champ. I even had to stretch for the final minutes while listening to the  ladies go on and on about how great it is to release the stress from their bodies. I must say that I feel much better. Maybe it is the six pack of Sam Adams talking, but I feel fit and firm.
                                                 
But what the Fuck? This isn’t what I wanted! I can’t have these! Barbara and Joan gave me child bearing hips!
                                                                                                                                                     You see what happens when you break out of the norm and try to be creative? You get chick hips. That’s worse than man boobs, cankles and pooch combined!  Thanks a lot Joan Lunden. I thought you were ok until this happened.

Well that concludes it. I am going to stick to what works. The same old boring thing. I can’t rely on old icons of the eighties to give a new perspective on life. But I did find out one thing. You should never throw out the “fat pants.”

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