Category: Death

What Scares You?

  I had a long discussion with a friend of mine about what is truly scary. Being the one who initiated the question I sat there listening intently to his concerns and terrors. It turns out that his scares were a real downer. Not what I was going for. You know, cancer, losing a loved one, financial fallout, career ending events….real stuff. When he was done he posed the same question to me and I simply nodded and listed the same. But that wasn’t what I was going for. I was talking about odd fears and it was clear that we couldn’t salvage that discussion after he dropped the “c” word. Cancer, not….you know. Anyway, this is what I was going for so now you will know.

Jim Henson’s serious muppets. I don’t like muppets that aren’t funny and I feel that their lack of punchlines are Satan’s work. I can’t describe it but I get the heebs just watching them. I think it is a gut feeling more than anything. Sort of like eating something that has expired and no matter how good it looks you know there is something off. That’s how I feel about drama muppets. Except for Fizzgig. I like Fizzgig.

This was the first truly terrifying moment in cinema for me. In 1985 my parents took me to see Ghostbusters and I still remember having the confused notion that this was a biker movie. I don’t know what goes through a 7 year old’s head that biker = ghost busting but who knows? Regardless of my expectations, within 10 minutes it became clear what Ghostbusters was when the free floating, full torso apparition changed into that thing above. I was so scared my feet fell asleep. Actually I believe they fainted. That scene took the innocents away from the movies for me. Before then the only shocker was Bambi’s mom getting smoked. From 1985 on, I had my guard up in the theater to keep me from shitting myself like I almost did that day.

Jerry Stiller’s hands are that out of a science fiction novel. They haunt my dreams and plague my thoughts with such questions like, “where does he buy gloves?” and “can he fit those grabbers in his pockets?”. You may think this a silly fear but Mickey Mouse hands freak me out. Hrm…. maybe it is Mickey that scares me.

The process of giving and taking blood makes feel completely weak. It’s not the needle as much as the bend in the arm and I’ll tell you why. Many moons ago when I was a private in the Army, I was volunteered to attend a combat lifesaving course. Not knowing what I was in for I gladly accepted the challenge. It was a two day course involving every form of battlefield casualty and many splints where made by yours truly. But the last day was reserved for the fun task of pair up and giving each other IVs. I didn’t think too much about this until they gave us a box of tubes, needles, iodine swabs, bands and a bag of fluid. Our instructor? It was a VHS US Army instruction video from 1980. Soon we began the process of administering the IV and let me tell you, there was blood. Lot’s of it. People were passing out, heads were hitting the floor, and spurts that hit the ceiling. To this day the smell of rubbing alcohol invokes an arm jerk reaction that makes Rock Balboa look like the girl next door chucking a football. I know that maybe an exaggeration and a poor comparison but at least you are imagining Sly Stallone throwing a football like a girl.

This is a stretch but my heart would stop if it ever happened. Minding your own business, swimming in a lake, far far from the ocean when all of the sudden a great white bites you. Think of the disbelief! Ever since Jaws, and I’m not alone on this, just swimming in a pool can bring up thoughts of teeth and fins. But really, the green hue of a man made lake, muddy bottoms and unsuspecting bathers really makes for a great movie. I know Bull sharks live in lakes and rivers as well as the ocean, but I talking about the big guy. The white death. I need to write to Spielberg.

Still a little freaked out by this. Nuclear war is far from most people’s mind but not mine. Not since seeing Sarah Conner’s dream.  It makes you wonder if anyone in the 50’s knew that hiding under your desk just wouldn’t cut it.

You see? I couldn’t talk about these irrational fears with anyone but you. Thanks for listening.

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Where Did You Go?

I’ve always had a fascination with obscure stars that leave Hollywood and assimilate themselves with us “normal” folk. I believe it started when I was in San Diego minding my own business at a Holiday Inn lounge. I turned to my left and wouldn’t you know it, i was drink a beer next to Emerson Hart, the front man for the band Tonic. This was well after their popularity dipped to almost zero. So, just like the tactful jackass I am I said, “i liked that video when you were getting punched repeatedly…..remember that?” Who am I, Chris Farely? He was pleasant enough to say yes and thank you. I bought him a gin and quit while I was ahead. That meeting inspired me to keep the spotlight on more obscure stars that most people never think about.

Atreyu and what’s his face. I am going to start with Atreyu. His real name is Noah Hathaway and from what I gather on the Wiki world he can kick your ass six ways to Sunday. His hobbies range from tat’s to martial arts to professional motorcycle racing. In his younger days he was the prettiest boy I ever did see and on the playground being called Atreyu was not a compliment. I think Noah realized this and did a 180 when he turned 21.

Get the fuck outta here!

Good ‘ol what’s his face. Actually it’s Barret Oliver. He will always be immortalized in The Never Ending Story, D.A.R.Y.L., and Tim burton’s, Frankenweinie. At times I find myself quoting him when I am out to lunch with others. I take a bite of my sandwich, and with a half full mouth say, “No…not too much. We still have a long way to go.” If there is anyone who has not seen The Never Ending Story it leads to severe awkward looks. I think Barret is a professional photographer in LA now. Good for him. If you can’t be in the shot you can at least take it.

Danny Cooksey. This guy brings back so memories from his short time on Diff’rent Strokes as little Danny. The cute innocent kid that managed to get kidnapped by the family that recently lost their own son. To this day I don’t talk to strangers. Thanks Danny!

He was also in MacGuyver and sporting a mullet in Terminator 2. I guess he turned to metal when he grew out of his cute because he has been in and out of rock bands since the 90’s. Last I heard he was in a band called Lucy’s Milk and married to a make up artist. I hope he goes back to the bowl cut. It suites him.

Gotta love this guy. Dabney Coleman has been in so many films and TV series that if I had a dollar for all of them I wouldn’t be writing this in a coffee shop…it would be on a boat. A big one. He’s still cranking them out too which is pretty incredible because he was born in 1932. I’m surprised he retains his lines! His most memorable roles for me was Cloak and Dagger, Tootsie, Muppets Take Manhattan, War Games and Lilo and Stitch: the series (don’t ask). It seemed to me that he was always in the Airforce. Does that ring true with anyone else? I guess it’s his persona that screams, “I’m grumpy but I am a softy”.

Rick Ducommun is quite possibly my favorite actor of all times. It had a lot to do with his character Art Weingartner in the movie The Burbs. I am in the process of writing a tribute article and a web page to The Burbs. Seriously. But I digress, I love this dude. I wish he was in more films because you just can’t help but smile when he is talking. Or eating.

I have no idea what Rick is up to today. I guess he went back to Canada but I am always waiting for his comeback. You can do it Ricky!

Oh Danny Schneider! Best known for Ricky in the great 80’s movie, Better Off Dead and the fatty nerd that thought he was the smartest dick in Head Of The Class. He’s still working hard as a writer and producer for Nickelodeon. He also has a rare collection of Bakelite radios. Now you can sleep easy knowing that. He hasn’t aged that bad. He still looks the same. Check him out now.

(oh… I’m an asshole)

I have a lot more. I actually have a couple of index cards filled with names that I’ll write later today. This is fine for now and I better get back to work before I get sucked away into blogland. Hope you enjoyed my list of missed characters. I’ll leave you with this.

R.I.P. Roy. I hope there are bigger boats in Heaven!

1932-2008

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Death Of A Snowman

 I think there is nothing sadder than a snowman in Georgia. Okay, there are things that are far sadder but really when it snows in Atlanta, people feel compelled to erect a homosapian in frozen precipitation as soon as possible. Even if it is full of dirt, pine needles and grass.

Yesterday I took a drive around the block and paid my respects to the final stage of life these snowmen where in since last Saturday’s snow storm. To be honest, I was surprised to see them last this long. I guess the thrill is gone for the kids who made them and you will see why. *warning* If you are sensitive to snow people you may not want to continue reading.

This guy doesn’t look too worse for ware but as you can see he is in a sea of brown Bermuda grass which is a certain sign this guy is circling the drain. I apologize for the blur but it was a drive by shot. I figure the poor bastard has another day and a half.

Oh God, what happened here? To the untrained eye it looks like someone dropped their scarf in a pile of snow but upon closer inspection we clearly see the guy is face-down and ass-up.  Maybe his base was to weak or maybe his will to live was too weak but what ever the reason, I think that scarf needs to go to the cleaners. Moving on….

Here we have a full torso snowman that is still recognizable. With one orange left in the eye socket and a carrot nose till in place it looks like he isn’t giving up the ghost without a fight.  But who is he fooling? Out of frame I saw two rabbits patiently waiting for his nose and if I know rabbits, their patience wains easy. This guy better give his soul to Jesus because his ass belongs to Roger.

Oh goodness. It looks as if this guy threw himself from a tree sometime in the night but if you look close you can make out bicycle tracks in the guts. I’m no detective but if I was, I would call it homicide. This guy didn’t have a chance. At least he escaped the inevitable unlike this poor family you are about to see. Weak stomachs may need to turn your head away from the keyboard.

ACK! I don’t even know what to say here! I have seen better cases of smallpox. It’s tough enough to see solo snowmen succumb to the drastic fluctuations the weather in Atlanta can have, but a whole family? I couldn’t stand to see the children suffer, so like any Christian I took nature into my own hands. I put the car in park, walked to the snow family in despair and put them out of misery with my bare hands and shoed feet. I apologize that God had brought them into this cruel world and soon they would be in peace. Yelling and striking with completely improvised karate moves there was nothing left but snow, pine needles and articles of clothing.

The children who brought this dying family into the world last Saturday could only stand and watch in horror. After I was finished I gathered the hats and scarves from the mound of dead snow people. My hands and feet still covered in snowy guts, I walked up to the kids and gave them back the clothing as something to remember them by. I said, “you are not God, but at least we can have satisfaction that they are free from their misery. They are free…..free.”

I returned to my car after I stomped off the remaining snow from my shoes. Even though there kid’s mother was screaming, “I’ve already called the police”, I know in my stomach what had to be done. As I drove away I stopped next to the kids, still holding the hats and scarves, still mouths agape and teary eyed. I said, “I hope you kids know that playing God comes with great responsibility.  Never forget that.”

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Bought The Farm In 2007

I don’t know why but every year that passes I reflect on those who are not here to see the new turn of the calender. Call me morbid, call me a sad sack, call me what you will but I always try to mention to anyone who will listen the great people who have died so that at least their spirit will be here to see 2008 arrive. Here are a few of the shocks of 2007 for me. I hope I can do them justice but if you read VeggieMacabre often enough you know I may be a little lowbrow.

Lady Bird Johnson: 1912 -2007. I don’t know too much about her life other than her thrust into First Lady status with her husband, the former President Lyndon Johnson. Every time a first lady passes I always think about the Secret Service guys/gals who have done something below standard in their career to have protection duty of a first lady. I imagine coming back to headquarters for reassignment maybe something like the pet detectives of the LAPD. It is an important job but it is still funny.

Coincidentally the dog on King Of The Hill, Ladybird, also passed away on the same day.

Evel Knievel: 1938 – 2007. I figured this guy was “circling the drain” but like any kid of the early eighties who had many Evel Knievel toys and t-shirts, it is always sad to see a legend die. They say he died of natural causes. I think it would have been fitting to see him do one more stunt and depart the Earth the way he should have done 1000 times before. They should have at least shot his casket over the Grand Canyon. (Now I am truly going to Hell.)

Calvert DeForest: 1921-2007. What a guy. He was a long time pop culture hero and a David Letterman favorite of mine. He always posed the question of gender to many people but to me it was always a question of teeth. First off did he have any and if he did, how small where they? Did he eat plankton? Well, at least this picture can clear up that question for me.

Joel Siegel: 1943-2007. This one turned me on my ear. Joel was always the voice of the cinema for me and by and large we agreed. Except he canned Beetlejuice and it was tough to talk dad into going after that review. Regardless, he was my favorite part of Good Morning America (sorry Lunden) and he left us much too early after losing the fight to colon cancer. I give cancer a thumbs down and a middle finger up.

Dick Wilson (Mr. Whipple): 1916-2007. “Can you squeeze it?” Another icon gone but not forgotten. He embodied the importance of sqeezey soft toilet paper that as a child, forced me to hug every package of Charmine to insure Mr. Whipple wasn’t full of shit. I was wondering how I would tie in toilet paper with shit and there you go.

Tom Poston: 1921-2007. This was unexpected too. I remember watching Newhart with dad in the livingroom while he did push-ups as I sat on his back. Besides of course “I’m Larry, this is my brother Daryle and this is my other brother Daryle” I only really remember Tom. He seemed like the one actor that was a really nice guy and possibly an ice fisherman. He just strikes me as one.

The Fabulous Moolah: 1923-2007. She was the female thunder of the WWE. Her thirty year career of semi-kicking ass led her to the longest title holder in any professional sport. Maybe it is the feminist in me but she could kick Sting’s ass any day of the week. When I was little I had Wrestling pals which were pillows with arms shaped like your favorite wrestler. The neighbors older sister was always Moolah and she repeatedly fucked us up to the point that I gave up any hopes as a career WWE wrestler. I just couldn’t get over that hump.

Brad Delp:1951-2007. Oh Brad, why did you have to leave us? Not like that! If you are not familiar with Brad Delp he was the master mind and beautiful vocalist for the band Boston. I will never forget listening to their first album and I was just blown away. That is really all I could say….blown away. If you don’t have that album go buy it. Go buy it right now and listen to it with headphones. It will change you.

Brad committed suicide. He left us with questions and no answers other than his talent not being recognized for what it was. I will admit when I heard of his tragic end I sat in my car and shed a few tears. He was my Lennon.

Robert Goulet:1933-2007. “Goulet!” I must admit that I was never a huge fan of Robert Goulet until Will Farrel’s SNL impersonation. Actually, anyone my age is probably in the same boat. I do remember him as the potential investor, Maxi Dean, in the movie Beetlejuice but other than that…nope. His legacy will live on through many elderly ladies who remember Robert on his Broadway hit, Hamlet. And of course many early 30 year olds who sing “The Thong Song” with Goulet vocals.

Yvonne De Carlo: 1922-2007. I know this picture doesn’t do her justice but this chick was beautiful. She (to me) was best known as her role on the TV series, The Munsters but her filmography stretches from here to Indonesia. She has been in more films including one of my favorite 1977 occult classics, Satan Cheerleaders. If you ever star in a movie with a title like that you will always be a star to me.

Tammy Faye *: 1942-2007. As far as TV evangelists Tammy was the most famous to me. I always thought of her as a pioneer in the plastic surgery field and there was something to be said for that because she was the most popular Halloween costume of the eighties. That maybe a stretch but in my neighborhood that costume didn’t lead to a bag full of raisins and pennies, I can promise you. I do feel bad because I saw her last interview and she looked so frail. I take everything I said back after that. I wonder where TV evangelists go when they die? They would kind of be old news up there, don’t you think?

Richard Jeni: 1957-2007. Another candle blown out too soon by his own accord. It always makes me especially sad when a comedian dies before their time. They spend most of their lives filling ours with laughter and joy and we never see it coming when they go. Apparently he was diagnosed with severe paranoia and depression and took his own life. I will miss this guy because his stand up is something to stand up for.

Dan Fogelberg: 1951-2007. Not a dude you can bang your head to but definitely a dude you could get laid to. That sounded bad. You know what I mean. His folk music was so melodic it would be instant death if you were driving through the night but in the right spot, nothing beats it. If the moon is right and if you hold your hand to your ear facing east, you will faintly hear me singing “Leader of the Band” on Karaoke night at Smith’s Old Bar. He passed from prostrate cancer just weeks ago. I hate cancer.

I know many others have been lost in 2007 but these few have impacted me in someway and I wanted to share. So in some conversation in the future, bring them up. Maybe they can still be with us in 2008 if nothing more than spirit and memories. I want to thank them all and send my deepest condolences to the families. You guys made life great before 2007 and will make it great for many years to come. That’s pretty cool when you think about it.

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