It’s A Mad Mad Mad Monster Party: Part 1

Have you ever been to an event or party where you say to yourself, “Self, this is where I belong. These are my people”? Well, recently VeggieMacabre (me) attended the Mad Monster Party which is a horror event to end all horror events. I am still on a high from the whole experience but don’t feel bad if you missed it, I recorded every minute of the three solid fright-filled days of gory glory.

I go to conventions often. It seems like every month there is some sort of gathering with a common interest in mind. But usually the conventions I go to are about medical technology or some sort of terrible thing and the countdown to escape for a bar begins the second the plane lands. Actually, when you say the word “convention” I involuntarily punch the person to my left. Most people have learned to keep right on Monday morning meetings.

Not this type of convention, my friends! It’s hard to be bored when you are eating wings at a bar between a ghostbuster and Jake the Snake Roberts (the real Jake the Snake too). While this isn’t much of an intro to this two-part article, I should really just jump right in.

The hotel was exactly what I expected it to be; completely designed for trade shows and not for vacation. It wasn’t bad but it certainly had a bit to be desired. The biggest issue was that the restaurant sucked and if you wanted to expand away from the mandatory buffet, you had to leave the party and there was no place in walking distant. Needless to say, I had a lot of beer and little food, making conversations with horror celebrities that much more ridiculous. Speaking of celebrities, first up is one of my favorites, Dave Naughton!

Great cats, what an awesome guy! He was the first guy I met there and since I paid hundreds of dollars and the tip of my fingers for an all exclusive pass (one hour entrance before general admission and a VIP room) it was just him and just a few other stars that were totally set up and ready for nerds like me. Of course I swooned over American Werewolf In London being my favorite movies and he recalled how many hours it took in makeup for one of the greatest “wolf-out” scenes ever put on film. And it was then I noticed on his table of head-shots and movie scenes ready to be autographed I saw his old Dr Pepper ad.

“Holy Dickless Steven, I completely forgot about this commercial!” I will say, in hindsight, I wish I had said a different exclamation. He didn’t bat an eye, but laughed and asked if I was a pepper. When David Naughton asks if you are a Pepper, YOU SAY YES!

And so it is, I am a Pepper. And David Naughton is a great guy. He does, however, seem a bit out-of-place at the Mad Monster Party. Instead he looks like he should be at an engineering convention or something. I saw him later that evening browsing the buffet with the same “meh” face I made. These sort of things must wear on a guy.

That was a really exciting start to the weekend but what came about ten minutes before meeting him was just as memorable. I will admit, I was trying to take a picture of David wrestle with his backdrop poster and while looking down at my phone to switch to the camera, I turned sharp to my left and ran smack into Danny Glover. He’s old, cranky and smells like anger which was worn on the side of my face and shirt for the rest of the day. He didn’t really say anything but his publicist looked like she was going to cry. Of course I apologized and disappeared before someone could throw me out for injuring Murdock and I am sure he soon forgot the event. In fact, friends of mine who met him later that day said he forgot about being in Predator 2 even though his costar, Gary Busey, was at the next table. Busey probably forgot too.

Up next was a trip down the hall where they had an entire display from the movie Jaws. It was an impressive collection to say the least from the iconic yellow barrels to the actual mask Cooper wore that “didn’t have enough spit”. The guy who is the collector charged $5 for photos which I thought was fair. He didn’t say couldn’t edit the picture later and make Mexican Jaws 3D!

This guy is awesome! Ormon Grimsby is an unbelievable horror host from a cable access channel out of Raleigh, NC. I honestly had no idea people where still hosting shows like this but looking at his website, there are quiet a few throughout these great states. Nothing would make me happier than to cruise the channels on a late friday night, bummed from the same old programming, only to find Ormon Grimsby in his chamber hosting The Giant Gila Monster (redux). But that’s why we have the worldwide web.

Ormon is a hell of a nice guy with a great sense of style. Go check him out and his show, Monster Creature Feature, at MCFTV.com. It’s a blast.

If you noticed I have changed shirts you passed the test. I have no clue which day was which other than the first few hours.

The free little museum walk-throughs were unreal. I would kill to have a garage full of these statues with an ever-revolving tour and at the end everyone is invited to a BBQ. Oh, and one out of the statues is a real person and would follow behind the tour and take drink orders to everyone’s shock.

And if there is a severed head around, you just know I will defile it! The people who ran the exhibit where guessing how many more people will do the same thing and probably worse as the night progresses.

Oh my love. Such an amazing woman and oddly enough I have recently written about her and had no idea that soon we would be in an embrace. The lovely Linnea Quigley or how I like to know as “Trash”. Oh goodness, I ended up confessing my entire boyhood fantasies from all of her B-movie boob-filled sexy slasher flicks and how amazing she is all in a few seconds of spits and sentence fragments. She just got up and hugged me. Even better, she winked at me throughout the whole weekend. She probably did that to everyone but I will tell myself it was just for me.

A few hours later I saw her at the bar with this guy. Not sure who he is but I will say he nearly ran over me when he got Peter Chris’s autograph on his wrist and was going to get it tattooed. Somewhere. I don’t think there was a studio there so the imagination is still wondering. He also was air-drumming violently while eating mac and cheese later that weekend too. God, I really hope he is famous because he seems too good to be true.

Ah, the exclusive VIP lounge where the celebrities mix with the pee-ons. I really did expect more. Not sure what more but something more. I honestly didn’t hangout here too long other than to play the Diehard arcade game in the corner.

But it all wasn’t such a loss. Here we have Tyler Mane from Devils Rejects, Halloween I and II and X-Men. Signing autographs and answering questions like “what it is like to be Rob Zombie’s Michael Meyers” can make a man thirsty. Coffee time! I shared an elevator ride with him that took forever later that night. We had some laughs and I have pictures. You’ll see.

We have the BIG article coming tomorrow. It will have my little piss match with Gary Busey, my buddies and I rocking the night away with Brent from Mastodon, getting seriously choked by Jason (Kane Hodder), taking the wonderful woman from Demons 1 and 2 out for dinner, DJ D singing karaoke, and an awesome time after the show with remaining horror icons as I drive a couple of them to a local freakshow and then lose them downtown only for them to call me at 4am for a ride back. This was a wild weekend. It deserves a couple posts.

March 28, 2013 2

Jelly Beans and What You Have to Know: Part 2

I think I have entered into a new low for VeggieMacabre with this idea. But still going forward I will just accept that once I have committed to do something, it’s best to see it through. There really isn’t a need for an introduction since the previous post was part one, so….

Swedish Fish brand Jelly Beans! Or what I call, “Smorkgi Morks”. It isn’t a mystery by now that any candy brand that has a non-chocolate product is a jelly bean. These amazing fish that are enemy number one for all dentists, have gotten on the bandwagon for Easter. And really, they do taste just like their original candy but I don’t like that. I love the fish because, well, they are fish. It’s fun to eat a school of cherry-like fish but it’s not fun to eat a bunch of cherry-like deer turds.

They still boast “A Fat Free Food” as a part of the logo like the original form but I am suspicious of that. A serving size is thirty-three jelly beans with twenty-seven grams of sugar. That is how people get fat, no? What ever, they taste like processed ick and have nothing more than the novelty of being Swedish Fish caviar, if the imagination is worked real hard.

But will they pass the controlled explosion test?

Did you believe that? Yeah, Spielberg might not call. Anyway, the Swedish Fish Jelly Bean can take an explosion without a scratch. It also can not be digested. So have thirty-three of them!

Aw shit, it’s getting crazy up in here! Starburst candy has a new spin on their ten thousand Jelly Bean flavors and presents us with “Crazy Beans”. Not too sure if crazy is the right term but rather “this is all we have left” because after years of bringing a new twist to Easter, they have to hide a jelly bean inside another jelly bean to pass the 2013 product test.

I guess it works. Not for me but an average ten-year-old would agree that it is something cool. Also, a ten-year-old should be writing this. It has come to this, folks.

While I like the concept, the taste is average and I can’t tell what a pink shell over a blue center is supposed to really taste like. It’s a fruity sugar thing. But will it pass the golf iron drive test?

Yes! And nice distance too!

Red Hots just will not stay in February where the belong! They creep into Christmas and now Easter. What’s next? And don’y you say Halloween or I’ll…I’ll…probably write about them. I just wish we could keep things civil between the holidays and not tread on sacred ground.

These jelly beans, however, are pretty amazing. Yeah, I know that cinnamon is cinnamon but these beans are just like those tiny red dots that can pass for a Sudafed. The funny thing about these are most jelly bean bags have the nutrition facts stating a serving size to be between twenty-five to thirty-five beans equaling twenty-seven grams of sugar. The serving size of these bad boys for the same amount is FOUR! Only four jelly beans allowed before your kids jump off the roof with a Hefty Bag as a parachute. So keep that in mind before generously dumping them in an Easter basket.

I think these Jelly Beans are great but will they pass the LL Cool J test?

No. He was kind of a dick about it.

Sweetarts! Should that be one ‘T’ or two? The design has me confused. Whatever, this year Wonka pushes Sweetarts on us too and to be honest, I think I have their recipe cracked. Take the Laffy Taffy jelly bean from the previous review and add Clorox Bleach to them and bingo, we have Sweetart Jelly Beans! I think I am getting too cynical with these reviews.

In all fairness, they do taste like the original small sour powder candy. The other good thing about Sweetart Jelly Beans is the packaging. I am attracted to vivid colors like an ocean-bottom dwelling fish. I can’t help but buy things that are bright blue and green. It’s literally eye candy. (click here)

These don’t need a test. They are what they are. And that is my excuse for not being creative.

It has all led to this, ladies and gentlemen. Willy Wonka owns Easter. Our savior may have died for our sins but Wonka is reaping the rewards with the jelly bean to end all jelly beans. Nerd Bumpy Jelly Beans.

Take a normal jelly bean then add a shit load of Nerd candies as a shell and you have a Nerd egg. It’s crazy how great of a concept this is and how much they look like durian fruit or a Gremlin cocoon. But buyer beware, eating too many of these will come with a hefty price. Just watch this taste test.

When I finally came down it was a bit confusing but sumbitch, those jelly beans win Easter. I learned a few things from that experience like for one, you never know how dirty your oven is until you shove your pillow in it and two, my fridge has a shit load of old blueberries under it.

Get a bag but make sure you have a safe-room and your diabetic socks on, these are a doozy.

That concludes the jelly bean review for 2013. I know there are more out there but frankly, I just don’t care. These were the ones that I chose to review. Please let me know what you think of them?

If you need me I will be moving my dentist appointment up three months.

March 14, 2013 11

Jelly Beans and What You Have to Know: Part 1

Hey! Remember those nonsensical reviews I have been doing with candy canes and old Christmas candy? Yeah, so I have expanded that to Easter candy. Specifically Jelly Beans. This isn’t really something that I wanted to do but rather something that I felt I had to do because when shopping for Easter candy, what you don’t know may destroy your family.

The bunny only comes when you sleep.

Jumpin’ Jesus there are a lot of Jelly Beans this year. It’s like every candy maker got together in an effort to conspire against Brach’s and take Easter for themselves. Have I thought too much into this? Yes. Yes I have. That’s why I am writing about jelly beans in the first place.

So let’s not dilly-dally because I have about twenty bags to tryout and test in my own specific way. Will it make a difference or have anything to do with a proper review of jelly beans? Doubtful. Will I spend $30 and feel silly about it? Absolutely.

Kicking this off we will start with the company that brought us the Jelly Beans we have all grown up with, Brach’s. Back in the day, Brach’s was the universal supplier of the jelly Easter treats and came in a limited variety of colors/flavors which were green, red, yellow, white, orange and the dreaded black. For the life of me, I can’t remember exactly what the color-to-flavor match was but I am certain black was Jagermeister.

This year, Brach’s gives us a couple more options with Speckled Bird Eggs and Sour Jelly beans. You will see by scrolling down that they have a lot of competition to deal with so what better way to combat that than to assimilate with the masses. These are a bit forgettable in both taste and looks but they are bigger in size so they have that going for them. But will they pass the hammer test?

Barely!

Hershey’s Jolly Rancher Jelly Beans have been around for a while and I believe they were the ones who first entered the Easter candy ring using the flavors of their tooth cracking hard candies in soft bean form. Personally I love them but keep in mind I have no sweet tooth. So I shouldn’t have an opinion about these, write this post or even say the word jelly bean. But that’s okay, I have lots of opinions on topics I have no business with.

Jolly Rancher Jelly Beans have their own Facebook fan page! That’s how I know they are good. It clearly states “they are so good!!!!!!”. This is all fine and good but will it pass the cat test?

Nope.

Leave it to Wonka Candy to cram a brick of taffy into a tiny bean. These actually taste exactly the original and that’s not a good thing. As a kid I used to love Laffy Taffy but only for the first few seconds. The ongoing chewing really brings out the plastic taste. Here, the beans jump right to that inedible aftertaste and of course, there are far more bananas than any other flavor by a ratio of 2,300:1.

You know, Laffy Taffy wouldn’t be “laffy” without some jokes. Even as an eight year old I knew these jokes were the worst but I never knew they were submitted by kids. Had I known that we would have been chewing green apple plastic to dead baby jokes.

Jef Z submitted this gem: “Why does the chicken cross the road? To get some EGGER SIZE!!!”

Hmm…but does it pass the Grig test?

Surprisingly yes.

Lifesavers are back this year with their jelly beans but this time around they offer lovely shades of pastel. Not only are they creamy in color, they have some interesting flavor combinations like Strawberry Kiwi and Mango Melody. I won’t go as far as to say they are my favorite of the group but I will say they are less forgettable. I really like it when blueberry and banana share the same bag.

There’s no need for the random test on these. I trust my own instinct. I’ll put them in the oven.

Lemonhead & Friends! It seems a bit odd that these are jelly beans because they are not too far off from their original form. Splitting hairs I may be but given a few years under a fridge, not a person could tell the difference.

They add an extra bonus of a “Special Springtime Image” on each bean. These images aren’t that special unless tulips and rabbits blow your skirt up. If that’s the case, well, magic beans they are. Other than the art, the flavors are the exactly what you would expect; grapehead, cherryhead, orangehead, and lemonhead. Kind of blasé to me but that might be because I have only eaten them on the couch. Perhaps I am just not in the right spot?

Nah. They are blasé no matter where they are eaten.

We have come to the end of part one in this two-part series. I can’t believe I had so many jelly beans in such a short amount of time. So, before I collapse into a diabetic comma I had better hang it up for tonight. Be sure to check out my second part coming tomorrow. I promise it will be just as stupid.

(Special thanks to my buddy who agreed to shoot the shower scene. Trust me. It wasn’t easy asking)

March 10, 2013 10

Showbiz eBay Buy and a Creepy Phone

Today I present to you a video that highlights two items that are strangely one hundred percent me. It’s neither something I am proud of or embarrassed by but I will say, if it defines me as weird, so be it. I am never the type to swim with the mainstream. I do like to win, however, and that leads me to the first item that I “won” on eBay.

Back in the early 1980’s, Showbiz Pizza Place was a one of my childhood hangouts. (Whenever I was able to talk the parental units into taking me.) But back then there was more of an incentive for adults to subject themselves to screaming kids and animatronic bears and that was because of beautiful beautiful beer. Yes, back then the parents could kick back a few cold ones and let the rug-rats loose. It was a great time in America and for $50.00, I am now the proud owner of one of the original beer mugs. And I have already put it back in operation.

Also I am now the proud owner of a phone that has been taking calls for more than forty years in a morgue. That’s right, a good friend of mine who is in the telecommunication business helped renovate a hospital and was kind enough to give me a piece of macabre history. Don’t judge me!

One more thing, every Sunday I get about 300 to 500 Google hits looking for Jason Presson. WHAT DOES IT MEAN???

March 3, 2013 1

She’s a Small Wonder and a Robo-Zombie

Sometimes I can’t believe the amount of talent my friends possess. I try to stand close to them and see if 0.00001% will rub off on me but according to “real life” talent is something that is natural, not gained proximity . Still though, I am always impressed by their creativity, whether it be through writing, singing, art or gabbing on an entertaining video. If I choose to, I don’t have to leave my little circle of friends to find entertainment because brother, if talent was a business, it’d be a boomin’ with these beautiful people.

Remember that show “Small Wonders” from the mid to late-eighties? You know, the father is an inventor and builds his son a sister because he had a vasectomy too soon? I think that’s the story? Anyway, I loved this show as a kid and had a bit of a crush on the android V.I.C.I. (Voice Input Child Identicant) who was played by Tiffany Brissett. (I have confessed this before on this blog) It’s was a great little sitcom, very reminiscent of Nick@Nite shows of the 1950’s.

The other children, however, were a casserole of nonsense. The red-head, Harriet, was one of the most annoying gingers in the history of neighbor co-starts. She made the Ochmonek’s from ALF look like Brad and Angelina who always want you to come over to sit in the hot tub, drink beer and eat steak while we have Angelina speak sentences that start with the letter ‘B’ like, “Buttered bread beats blue beets by being better.” Because her lips are big. Have I lost you yet? Wait!

The brother, Jamie, is equally as annoying with a face of a little politician. My boy, Bo, and I agree that he should have grown up to be a Newt Gingrich but the course of nature had other plans.

All of this is irrelevant! The point of this post is to show off a great gift from my pals over at the wonderful Lost Story Studios in Chapel Hill, NC. And you need to check them out. They’re going to be big.

It’s a half eaten zombie V.I.C.I. holing the severed-jawless head oh Harriet!!! And it’s mine! There is so much great about this, I don’t even know where to start.

Thank you Bo and Brockton! You guys are amazing. I owe you mucho beer and gin. See ya at the Mad Monster Party in a few weeks!

Check out Lost Story Studios by clicking on the link here.

February 26, 2013 8

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