Just When You Thought It Was Safe…

Do you have completely irrational fears? Not like a fear of being trampled to death at a Miley Cyrus concert or a fear of the moon falling into the Earth, because while those are odd fears and highly unlikely to happen, they are plausible. I am talking about fears that defy logic and reality. I am about to share one of mine with you and it all started on a summer day in the year 1985 when my Uncle Nat introduced me to the movie, Jaws.

I can’t think of a single movie that had that much of an effect on me. Going to the beach every summer always had a shadow of a shark looming in my head and I was content to just make sand castles for my micro-machines, drink Ecto Cooler Hi-C and get grit in my mouth from eating Doritos with sandy fingers. But when I was told to go rinse off, that music, oh that music started in my mind and I was ever so quick to get in and get out while other kids played in the surf. No surf fun for me. I saw what happened to Alex Kintner. 

Since that fateful day in 1985 I have had this lurking unease that a giant great white shark could appear at most any body of water to include lakes, ponds, SWIMMING POOLS, jacuzzis, baths, really hard rains, full sinks and toilets. I even had a dream that there was a free-floating shark roaming around my house and I had to hide in the fridge to escape being eaten. Then Rue McClanahan showed up and things got weird but that’s for another post. I need to stay focused.

Even today as a rational, working and (maybe) intelligent adult, I still get an unease that somewhere there is a swimming devil that wouldn’t mind chewing me up. This plagues my soul and got me thinking. Have you ever read the Stephen King book, Mist? I might be mistaken but essentially the military accidentally opens up a…something, and all these horrid creatures come out and kill people in the worst ways imaginable. What if (stay with me here) a parallel universe crossed with ours and air-breathing great white sharks that can fly showed up and could hide and attack when least expected! I seriously have thought about this. And I think it would look very much like this:

 

 

How to Make “Hate Pizza”

I can’t really put my finger on when I started to be a fan of spicy food but as far as I can remember, it started in my early adult years. Actually, the more I think about it, my contempt for bland food began in the Army which led me to dowse everything with Tabasco. Since then I have ventured far up the Scoville unit scale , turning Tabasco from what used to be a heated nasal enema to mere sprinkles on a sunday.  My stomach can probably break down a twelve gauge shotgun shell with little more than a hiccup and taps to the chest.  But with this found glory of dastardly concoctions comes a lonely road where no one wants to eat everything I cook for fear of  reenacting a Bean-O commercial. I get it. Then there is Halloween with parties and I see a chance to disguise my love as a gimmicky party-food novelty. Oh I have sights for them to see. Let me teach you how to make the Devil’s pizza or how it has come to be known: Hate Pizza.

Okay. First off you need pre-made pizza crust (preferably thin) and coat it in extra virgin olive oil. I, myself, am very particular about the kind of EVOO but in reality it doesn’t matter for this particular pizza. Also, I didn’t make my own crust because when people are eating this they aren’t going to comment about how amazing the crust is but rather wonder if hitting their mouths with a hammer would reduce the burn.

You will also notice those attractive orange peppers known as habaneros. Yes, they are powerful and each one can ruin a night depending on your palate. I add eight of these lovelies and before we mince, I take off the stems because…people eat will eat this you know.

I load up all eight into the ol’ SlapChop and pound the bajeebus out of them until they are finely minced. Also, I add six garlic…things. You know, the whole pieces off the clove? You know what I mean.

That looks pretty inviting, don’t you think? Actually, right after I took this picture the mixture of the over ripe garlic and habaneros combined to almost knock me over. My eyes and nasal passages took a time out and I had to go outside and blindly pace the yard, hoping insult to injury wouldn’t result in dog poop on the shoes.

The sauce. Any good chef knows the magic of a good pie rests in the sauce. I prefer Don Pepino to Ragu sauce. Actually I prefer motor oil to Ragu but that is letting my snippy side out. You will notice that only about 1/4 of the can is used. “But Will”, you ask, “how will only 1/4 of a can of pizza sauce be enough to cover the whole pizza crust?” Good question!

Because I am adding a whole blammin’ jar of super hot Sriracha Hoy Fu Kong sauce! And it is amazing! If you have never been to a Vietnamese restaurant and had Pho or any other dish you are missing out. This is where I fell in love with Sriracha and have been looking for a good cross-dish. And sista’, I have found my medium.

While applying the sauce to the pre-made crust I thought making a devil face would be appropriate. All it ended up looking like was a frog. But it’s an EVIL frog!

We are almost there. At this point the oven is preheating to 475. A whole medium size bag of shredded mozzarella is evenly spread over the pie and the habaneros and garlic follow.  But we aren’t quite done yet.

It’s said Lucifer comes as an attractive and friendly character. Slicing one jalapeno, make a smiley face. It’s as if it is saying, “It’s okay. If you don’t like hot foods, you can take off my eyes. Everything will be alright.”

Let’s bake this bitch! The oven is all preheated and I turn the temp from 475 to 425. The average bake time is between 10 to 13 minutes. Maybe different if you are baking this on Mt. Everest. While this bakes, decontaminate everything! The seeds from one habanero can cause the dog to create a family historical event like “The 2011 Ass-plosion Dog/Couch Event”. You need to wash your hands and scrub under the fingernails. Being a spicy food fanatic, there has been many forgetful pee breaks resulting in…milk. I’ll leave it at that.

Those few minutes pass fast and before you know it the house is filled with the aroma of pain. This looks pretty inviting, don’t you think? It’s funny to think this is a vegetarian friendly pie. In my mind, vegetarians always seem so sweet.  This must be angry lefty anarchist type of veggie friendly food.

Well, I wouldn’t recommend this for a just any occasion. It’s Halloween and parties need to have one or two novelty food items. This is fun for bets or to show off who can brave a bite of the hottest pizza around. Or, if you have no soul, this Hate Pizza an be used for revenge. Because revenge doesn’t always have to be a dish best served cold.

Happy Halloween.

EDIT!

Apparently people didn’t hate the “Hate Pizza”. A bunch of crazy assholes, says me!

Fall Beer Review 2

Okay okay I know. By the stroke of midnight I really meant by the stroke now. Typical me in the blogging world to over promise and under deliver but with my new position in the real world and less time to sit on my duff and drink beer while syncing flash animation advertisements to Flock of Seagulls (yes, I really do this), I have found that quality over quantity reviews win the day. I know that these reviews aren’t for everyone because, well let’s face it, beer isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. But I do hope to add a little something for everyone. After this review I will just tack on a review as a bonus to real articles going forward. We still have a way to go this season so lets jump in and pop the top of the first two brews. Don’t tell me you forgot the bottle opener!

The HEX Ourtoberfest from Magic Hat Brewing Co. located in Burlington, VT is one of the first beers that I nearly broke my neck taking a double-take while walking past the beer aisle last week. It has one of the greatest looks, art and names of any spooky-time beer that I have seen since…ever, really. It screams colonial creeps with the iron gate logo and the name “Hex” font-ed in thorny branches. But like Bugs Bunny taught us, just because it looks hot doesn’t mean what’s under the dress isn’t a rabbit with nuts.  How does it perform?

It definitely has the autumn hue that an American made October brew tends to have. The taste, however, is very different. Right from the first taste you get less a hoppy/spice taste and more of a tart/smokey flavor. It was an awesome surprise especially after thirty pumpkin spice beers to have a roundhouse kick to the palate to clean it of pie and paint it with smoked molasses. I never thought I would say “smoked molasses” in a positive way. The Magic Hat Brewery states that it has a blend of fermented apples, caramel and smoked cherry wood malt that gives it the different taste.

I will say this about Hex and that is if you are looking for a very different blend that will keep you interested in seasonal beers, this is your homecoming date. It’s a smokey sweet lighter beer that makes you want to chop wood. The strange part is that this beer is only available until October 15th. I am not really sure why they made such an early date in the season to pull Hex but if you have the means and you can find it, I highly recommend buying this and maybe extras to keep in the cellar.

I give it three singing Elvises.

Hello Weyerbacher Autumn Fest Brew, how are you? I love the name Weyerbacher. I assume it’s German because I keep wanting to pronounce it “Vierbocker” in a very WWII German officer accent. “Vee have vays to make you talk.” Anyway, this is a great full body brew from Easton PA that doesn’t really break away from the fray when it comes to another American Oktoberfest type beer. Same copper color and mildly sweet malty taste. What I love about this beer, of course, is the awesome farm-scape scene with the creepy scarecrow and harvest moon-lit yellow sky. I really wish I could line the walls of the house with prints of all these beers but perhaps my life shouldn’t imitate art. It’s already a satirical cartoon.

I give it two flying toasters.

A couple of nights ago while reviewing these beers I decided that putting catnip in the bottom of  a Frankenstein’s monster mug would make for a good title page shot. I forgot how fat the cat is and when he got his head stuck, Frank’s monster was the loser.

Had to bury him in the backyard.

 

 

BACK TO VEGGIEMACABRE.TV

SKEEEEE KABLOOM!!! crackle crackle crackle

Those were firework sounds.

So I am back and this time I am here to stay. I know this has been said before but seriously, this time I mean it. I have crossed a new milestone my friends and one I never thought I would. I have gone two months without a single blog. There will be two spaces on my blog-monthly-list you see to the left, that will be forever vacant. But trust me, my real life that I include in these streaming words of consciousness is just as vacant. Nothing really happened.  Somewhere, someone had an earth-shattering life experience that many years from now can tell you where and when they were in the time that life merely skipped by me and I feel good to say….it’s okay. I am glad that there are two missing months to forget. It teaches me to appreciate the months that are present. At least on my blog.

Anyway, BIG NEWS!!!! Review the World. com and Veggie Macabre are teaming up. I consider it to be like the Ultimate Warrior and Rowdy Roddy Piper teaming up or perhaps maybe eating and living. Pretty much two great combos. I have been a huge fan of Brian and his web-page for years so I am very fortunate to get this opportunity. I have a feeling between the TV portion and the random articles, he and I will make this the internet that I have always wanted; loving the little things and and doing it with a sense of humor. Kind of like this.

erf!

 

Why I Blog

Why is it that I always experience true hilarity with no one around to share it with? Sometimes I feel like I am in the movie, They Live, and only I notice what is going around me. But instead of sunglasses that revile submission signs and skeletoned-alien faced creatures, I just over analyse each and every human exchange and wait for the punchline.

I was grocery shopping the other day and after two cups of tea and a bottle of water I made a detour to the latrine before proceeding to the produce. But before I could get there I passed by a gentleman who was followed by another leaving the said restroom. Here was the exchange between the two:

Man 2-“Sir! Sir?….You forgot your book in the stall.”

Man1- “Oh…thank you.’

Man2-“He dies at the end. Have a good day!”

Man1-“…..”

Okay, there is so much funny here I don’t know where to begin. I mean one, the guy brings his reading material to the grocery store (that’s planning ahead), two he forgets it, three some good samaritan picked it up off the ground (unless the reader has sever prostate issues, I don’t think he was finishing a chapter while peeing. Ew.), four the good samaritan turns out to be a spoiler-dick of a person and of course five, the speechless expression on man1’s face.

See? I never get to share these experiences with anyone. And that, my friends, is why I blog because I will see something like this below, turn to my fellow passenger and it will be gone. Damn it.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: