Month: October 2013

Target’s Ghoulish Potions

If you have been reading VeggieMacabre for any length of time then you know I am a beer guy and really not much of a mixed drink fan. Sure, around Thanksgiving and Christmas I appreciate a glass of eggnog or apple brandy with a cinnamon stick but usually, it’s all about the beer. I guess it’s similar to cat person versus dog person, if the cat person didn’t completely hate dogs.

Where am I going with this? Oh yeah!

I prefer beer over liquor but if it is named “Ghoulish Potions”, I like liquor. This article might not clear the trees on take off but I am about to drink five martinis so it will absolutely land like a rock. Crash positions and brace for impact.

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We are going to start off with Strawberry. As you see above I don’t have a proper shaker so I will have to make do with this terrible and embarrassing martini set I put together from my glass cabinet. Don’t worry, vodka mixed with sugar-water shouldn’t really be any different no matter how it’s mixed.

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So, I am starting out with strawberry. I know, I have already said that. A shot of Absolute vodka, the whole mini bottle of the strawberry martini mix, a few quick shakes in cheap plastic tumblers, and I have a drink Dracula approves of. Or perhaps not. I tasted this little drink of terrible and I can completely see how someone could have a real bad night drinking a few of these.  Imagine dissecting forty Gusher fruit snacks, extracting the goo and adding vodka. I can promise you no amount of Tums will neutralize this.

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Blueberry! I actually didn’t mind this as much. Kinda of weird, but this mix has twice the carbs and sugar of the rest of the potions so already it had something a little different to separate it from the pack. Besides acknowledging that it’s horrible for you, I am in love with the color. All blue drinks get an automatic passing grade with me anyway, but the taste wasn’t at all offensive. And that surprised me because I have always stated blueberries to be the “just okay” berry.

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Pomegranate martini mix was an odd beast. I wanted to like it but the pervasive plastic after taste kept me questioning whether this was a fruit cocktail or a melted down M.U.S.C.L.E. man cocktail. The color isn’t as neon as the strawberry or raspberry but it is just as offensive to the palate. If you have never had pomegranate, don’t let this be your first experience because that would be like finding a person who has never had a banana and feeding them a yellow pillowcase. (Damn, these drinks are kicking in, can you tell?)

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Green apple! I remember when green apple martinis were all the rage because young people (thinking specifically of my old dates) didn’t know a good drink if landed on their face and started to wiggle. I am being snobby, aren’t I? Sorry, it’s just not my bag and if I wanted a drink that was half Blow-Pop, I wouldn’t run to sour apple.

This mix is not much different but in a shocking twist, it is one of the lesser offenses in the pack. I was expecting a green spew of sour mix but instead its milder than most apple martinis I have had. I am not saying it’s good but I didn’t have to stick my finger down my throat and jam an insulin needle in my neck after the first sip.

I was going to review Raspberry but the silent “P” angers me so I will leave you with this: it sucked. It’s red, distant aftertaste of raspberry and so sweet I actually had visions. Of what, something something Hellraiser something Event Horizon.

Well, that is my harsh review of the “Ghoulish Potions” which are exclusively at Target. I know I was a Negative Nancy about them but I rarely drink anything but beer so it’s kind of wasted on this guy. I will say, you could probably make a delightful drink with these if you ignore the instructions that calls for the entire bottle to one ounce shot of vodka. Maybe mix half a bottle to an ounce and a half with tonic to cut the sweetness? I could be down for that.

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I did have a little scientific method to this taste test. You will notice the horrible handwriting I have been practicing since over half of my career is hanging around physicians. You can still read mine so there are improvements to be done.

After this test and many awful drinks I found myself rapidly passing through the stages of drunkenness with my office buddy. I have to hand it to him, he has more patience than I would have.

Thanks for putting me to bed with a trashcan close by, buddy.

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EDIT!!! The package clearly states that Cranberry was suppose to be in the pack but they secretly replaced it with Strawberry. You sneaky cheeky dicks. 

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Candy Corn Coffee

CANDY. CORN. COFFEE.

It’s fun to say, no? I was a little skeptical when I saw the Fall flavored coffee in Target last week but I took the plunge and decided that is the fuel to drive me out of bed each morning.

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The good people at Archer Farms gave us a few different flavors for the Autumn season like Pumpkin, Butter Rum and, of course, Candy Corn. Pumpkin and Butter Rum are nice but for this review I gotta stick to the odd and macabre so Candy Corn gets the nod for a review.

I love the smell of coffee, especially right out of the package before the brewing process. I have been known to get hypoxia in a Fresh Market from taking hundreds of deep smelling inhales around the coffee barrels. It’s a problem and I am seeking help. And this bag is no help. It smells like heaven and I have a hard time putting it down. It’s sweet and buttery, much like a real bag of candy corn. That’s where the true test lies.

Candy corn is a deceiving beast. It will lure you with its amazing aroma and when you put it in your mouth, it breaks a part and the brain immediately believes you are trying to eat an inedible object. Candy corn is truly the chap stick of candy.

Lucky for me, you and the people at Archer Farms, coffee translates different when smell-to-taste comparisons are involved. It tastes better! I was so happy to take the first sip and not taste a waxy plastic but instead buttery, warm and a touch of sweetness for the palate. I love this coffee. I love that this coffee loves me. We are getting married this November so watch out for “save the date” invites.

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My coffee maker, “THE BREW MASTER”, and I are not as close. It’s impossible to make coffee in the morning without involving half a roll of paper towels. I would buy a new one but the only time I make that commitment is 5:30 in the morning and that motivation is long gone by lunchtime. One of these days it’s going to involve electricity, me and a funny smell my neighbors will complain about. Until then, Brawny and I will have a close monetary bond.

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I give this coffee an A+++++ because of the wonderful aroma, pleasant taste and Halloween theme. It is absolutely the perfect way to start the day when you look this bad at 0′ Dark Thirty in the morning and it’s cold and rainy outside.

The pumpkin is just so-so. I made the mistake of buying really expensive pumpkin coffee before Archer Farms so I had already spoiled my taste buds.

Go get some Candy Corn Coffee! You will not regret it. I think it’s around $8 a bag.

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Spooky North Carolina: “Körner’s Folly”

Man oh man, I have been a busy beaver lately. Work always seems to wait until I specifically ask for a break to go completely insane. A little unknown Murphy’s law is “Don’t countdown to Halloween; just acknowledge it’s coming.”. I never take my own advice and end up over promising.

So, here is my latest episode in the series, “Spooky NC” where a friend and I poke our noses around a very odd house located right down from where I live. I have always seen it driving through the little town of Kernersville but until recently, I never had a reason to ask about it. I am glad I did.

It was built in the late 1800’s and nicknamed a “Folly” because of the crazy price tag attached to the building process and the fact it’s just an odd design in general. Every room has its own distinct personality, shape and size. It’s as if a seven-year old drew up the blue prints. I can see how many people in the Körner family thought this was a something that could eventually be the downfall to the family name.

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The house itself sat boarded up and abandoned from the 1960’s through the 1980’s until the city decided to restore it to the original condition and use it for holiday events, social gathering spots and tourism. Since then it has been a pretty popular place and a money pot for the little city of Kernersville, NC. But it also came with something else. Unexplained noises are common there to the locals who walk past the old house at night. They report lights from inside the closed building and the police have a special numbered call when the motion detectors trip the house alarm.

Last year a paranormal investigative team spent the night there and found some pretty convincing evidence like kids laughing from the bedrooms and actually recorded what sounded like a cocktail party on the top floor where plays and parties were held. On their way out of the house early in the morning over half of the lights mysteriously came on as they were backing out of the parking lot. Creepy.

So, that’s a brief and shitty history of the house. Now I want to talk about what happened when we went there.

The house closes to the public at 4pm on Saturdays but will stay open for just a few people who might want to get ghostly evidence if you ask nicely and donate a few extra dollars to the Körner’s upkeep fund. And that’s exactly what I did! I dragged my poor friend there since she likes that sort of stuff anyway and it was just us in the house for a good thirty minutes while the two staff ladies went to their office across the street. I had the camera and my friend snapped pictures on her phone as we made our way through the different levels.

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I didn’t get a spooked feeling or the creeps but I will say it’s a house like no other that I have been in. It almost didn’t make sense structurally. Every time you stepped it echoed and creaked so I have no idea how anyone got a moment of rest there. When editing this I decided to leave the audio out and overlay it with music because all you hear is deafening footsteps and breathing. And that brings me to the only thing we think we witnessed. Or think we did.

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Okay, so remember when I was saying that we were the only two in the building? Yeah….that’s the top of someones head looking over the railing two floors below us. I absolutely did not see that when I snapped this picture and when I showed it to my buddy, she screamed as if there was a spider on her head because we were both absolutely positive we were alone. I am not saying one way or another if this is a ghost but I can be sure of one thing, it’s not a person hiding in the house and somehow tip-toeing around.

And why didn’t I see that when I took the picture? It’s crazy. I guess you would have to be there to fully understand there is no way for another person to be in that house without either of us knowing. The stairs alone would give you away!

I’ll leave it up to you. Here is my short video that starts with a festival up in the North Carolina mountains and some of the people there were far scarier than any ghost could be. Enjoy!

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6, 6, 6 Scary Scenes Mwaa Haa Haa

For years horror movies have always been the preferred choice in my household. I can’t tell you why, but also I can’t tell you why insane hot sauce is my condiment for everything. I guess it is that “in the moment” discomfort I crave. Sadistic or masochistic, you say? Maybe. All I know is that on a rainy and cold night, you will find me on a couch, eating pizza sprinkled with Dave’s Insanity sauce watching The Exorcist 666 times because it keeps getting funnier every time I see it.

Another reason I watch horror movies over, let’s say, comedies or dramas is because they stick with you. Especially certain scenes. You never come home at night from watching Die Hard 5 in theatre and race to turn on the lights because you are worried Bruce Willis is behind the couch, do you? No, you don’t! I want to feel that twinge of fear, that moment when you have to squint your eyes because if you only see 30% of a scene it might not be as scary, that feeling of waking up at 3:33am and wanting to pee but there is no way you’re putting your feet on the floor. I love it all and spending $15 at the theatre should involve a bit of residual entertainment.

Today, I want to share six scenes from amazing films that have and always will stick with me. To some, they may not be scary at all but for some reason they give me the chills. I can’t tell you if I over analyze or I really am just a wuss, but take a gander and see if you share my moments in cinema scares.

The Haunting 1963

Oh boy this one got me. I remember back in 2006 I was sitting on the couch, flipping through the channels when I stumbled across the opening title of The Haunting. Intrigued by the title, I stayed to give it a shot even though it was a black and white movie and to a nitwit like I was, that almost certainly means “not scary”. Man oh man, I could not have been more wrong. The whole movie was a creep fest and when the girl I was dating at the time came through the front door, I almost jumped out of my skin.

This scene was by far one of the most creep-out parts even modern horror films of the day could not hold a candle to. From the giggling to the inaudible chattering behind the door, it still makes my hairs stand on end. Watch and see!

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Of course if you are a fan of the horror genre you have most likely seen the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. If you have not, go back to your Sandra Bullock movies. (I kid) This film has plenty of disturbing and creepy images but the very beginning always made this one, the film that separates itself from the pack. Corpses posed on a tombstone with a radio news bulletin in the background paints a macabre scene and swearing off ever going to rural Texas.

The Blair Witch Project

Why did this film get such a bad rap? For the life of me I cannot understand why? The actors were amazing, there was a constant sense of hopeless dread and above all, the disorienting sounds in the woods insuring that going camping will never be the same again. A particular scare that has never left me was the sounds of dead children playing right outside the character’s tent. I actually felt their panic and when they bolted from the tent, it was hard to tell acting from true terror. Turn off the lights and turn up the speakers. Let your imagination do the rest.

The Amityville Horror

It’s said that this is a true story and to a kid that always amplifies the scare factor by ten but besides all the hype, the ghost/demon/rocking chair enthusiast, Jodi really was what kept the closet light on. This was my first real horror movie that didn’t rely on the Universal monster magic or special effects. A simple empty rocking chair moving on its own and glowing eyes  will paralyse me far easier than some a dude tearing his face off. Maybe I easily impressed?

This scene easily takes a top spot. Be quiet, I don’t wear a dress!

Ghost Story

I grew up without cable so I was always a little tardy to the party when it came to movies that were taboo to a young boy’s eyes. However, my grandparents did and a fateful day in 1984 I channel surfed right into this little ditty. For the first half of the movie, Ghost Story, you see a terrifying specter take revenge on old men in this type of “BOO!” fashion. It worked on me. I have a specific memory of actually running away from the TV.

The Brood

This was a movie that came later in my adolescence though I have always known about it. Although I didn’t find the movie to be all that scary, the scene in the kitchen was shot so perfectly, I think about it at least twenty times a day. Usually about wooden hammers. I can’t tell whether it’s the look on the children’s faces or the fact there isn’t a sound made before all Hell breaks loose.

Maybe it’s kids in snowsuits? I don’t know.

Well, there you have it! The six creepy scenes that I think about right when I begin to fall asleep.

What are yours? Do you have a movie that surprised you or took you off guard? Share them with me either here, Facebook or Twitter! 

Sleep tight.

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Spooky NC&GA: Bonaventure Cemetery and The Pirate House

Hey there! I have finally edited a few new additions to the series “Spooky North Carolina” and I am finally ready to release a few. Okay, post a few. Who do I think I am?

Anyway, this episode we are down in the most haunted city in America, Savannah Georgia. The first stop is to a beautiful place which has some of the most iconic statues that are recognizable throughout the world, the Bonaventure Cemetery. The most notable of the statues is Gracie, a little girl who died of pneumonia back in the 1800’s. It’s a weird thing but it’s the only grave that is gated because so many people visited her spot after witnessing the statue crying tears from people remove the coins and trinkets left behind. That’s kind of heartbreaking. You can’t help but wanna give her a hug. So, like the sign says, I left a few coins because that’s her thing. A ghost that is a coin collector? Sure!

Next, we paid a visit to the spot that started my whole fascination with the paranormal, The Pirate House. It was early and the staff was just opening so I had to time the video shots just right but lucky for me, the bartender was great and had no problem helping me with a quick interview.

Enjoy this short episode. I am sorry the audio is weak. I need to learn to speak up and not be bashful when there are people around. I have a duty to you!

 

 

 

 

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