“The Last Man On Earth…

…sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.” – Fredrick Brown

This short story chills me to the bone and is by far one of my favorite horror stories of all times. I have a visual imagination, and since my late Grandfather told me this story, I imagine myself sitting at a table in a small room with nothing but a few books to contain my mind from being lost and perhaps a dim fire to keep me warm. I just sit knowing that I am the very last person on Earth. And then there is a knock.

So the other day I Googled this short story to read it once more and get that great joy of goosebumps and childhood nostalgia. It is only two sentences long so I didn’t spend much time reading it on various formats and blogs but I did do a Google image search and to my great surprise I found this:

A picture of me. I took this last summer on a run between Pullman, Washington and Moscow, Idaho on a trail I call “Heavenly Purgatory with a touch of Hell”. I have never mentioned this short story on this blog or any other and it is just a mind-blower to see me on a Google-image search for this great short story called “Knock”.

In other news, I have a new article up over at Review the World. It’s a little touch of where I live and where people go to buy their drugs and penis soap. Say hi to Brian while you are there. He and Amanda are expecting their first baby anytime now so send them over some love!

Oh Man…

It is Saturday and I sit here behind my computer just struggling to come up with a great topic to write about and I can’t. I think creativity has been stripped from me and I really want it back. So, instead of writing about one thing, I am going to brain dump a lot on you and the randomness will be like something you have never seen. So put your lap-belt on.

I really miss the Halloween season and I know that is a huge nerd thing to say at age 32  but it is true. I found myself cruising old X-E Halloween articles this morning and I was yearning for cider, pumpkins, John Carpenter, and amazing K-Mart retail gold. But it is only March and to wish Halloween here means I would want 6 months to skip by and that’s another step closer to 33. So, perhaps I will have my own private Halloween in April. Even David Bowie day is still months off. Mother!

If you are ever bored or want some feel-good time killers I can not recommend strongly enough to cruise over to Review the World and hit up Brian’s articles and videos. It’s a really fun place that makes you appreciate all the little things. My favorites videos are these three. I just love how positive life is for Brian and I’ll say it. It’s inspirational.Plus, I write for him from time to time. I might have another one on the way there soon. I’ll let you know.

I had a dream last night that my car’s engine caught fire and I was stranded at a youth’s church lock-in. I can’t decide which would be worse now that I think about it. I will say, it was nice to wake up and look out the window to see my car was still all together. What the Hell is going on in my life that I dream that shit?

I am about to order Chinese food and that makes me so happy I will do a dance of joy. Please wait.

Alright, I am back. About Chinese food. I think I might break the norm and not go Kung Pao tonight even though I love it. No, I think tonight I will go crazy and get something completely different. But I am not sure what. Oooo, this is so crazy! I need to get out more, huh?

*2 Hours later*

Got the Spicy Beef. Not so great and not so spicy. I would say C minus. What are you going to do? At least my fortune said people where talking about me in a good way. Thanks everyone!

Off to watch Drag Me To Hell! I have heard good things and as a Sam Raimi fan, I have high hopes. Have a great night. I’ll be here, just messing with my cat. She’s a good sport.

Real-Time Movie Madness

I think I am going to start a new segment of VeggieMacabre tonight. This is an idea taken straight from the wonderful and funny horror blog, Final Girl. The new segment is a real-time movie watching review that I will be doing from the comforts of my couch. It will be kind of like we are watching it together only I will be the only one spewing my opinions. Seems fair to me!

So let’s get the party started! Tonight’s film is the 1990 classic, Arachnophobia and I have never seen it before. Partly because I hate spiders. Actually, that’s the entire reason. Let’s put it in!

  • Jeff Daniels is in this? Did I know this before? Amazing!
  • How am I not surprised that this begins in South America?
  • Hey! The helicopter pilot was the bad guy in Crocodile 2. Kind of wish I didn’t admit to knowing that.
  • You just know there is going to be some of the “help” on this S. American expedition that might not make it home. I feel an Indiana Jones type death any minute.
  • God I hate spiders. This might not bode well for me.
  • I don’t get people who study insects and spiders. I am grateful they do but I don’t think we have much in common.
  • So the spider comes to the US via coffin, Of course! And it’s the same town as Stephen King’s Needful Things.
  • Enter Jeff Daniels! With token wife, Harley Jane Kozak. Isn’t she in just about every Lifetime and Oxygen movie?
  • It’s odd to see the country setting with a random palm tree.
  • Well, I am never going in a barn again!
  • Ah, so there is a back story. Jeff Daniels is an arachnophobia. The plot is coming together.
  • *just ate a Habanero. The little orange ones. So stupid.*
  • Ah, the second victim. Poor Margret. Let me add ‘turning off the light’ to my list of fears.
  • Enter John Goodman. This guy can steal any scene. Remember how I was asking how anyone can study insects? Same applies to those who are exterminators.
  • Now I am afraid of bleachers and football helmets. And empty shoes.
  • Now I am freaking out watching my cat paw at something in the corner.
  • I am feeling this Dr. Jennings/Sheriff Brody comparison happening.
  • Brian McNamara is in this? Holy Hell! I love that guy. In a plutonic way, of course.
  • I am getting the same feeling with this movie that I got with Jaws. Nervous anxioty.
  • Shit! Showers and toilets too.
  • Jeff Daniels in his younger days seemed very McGyver like.
  • I didn’t realize how much John Goodman’s character is like Bill Murray’s in Caddy Shack.
  • Hey! Family Ties in on TV! Oh shit, RUN!
  • Yeah, I hate this movie. But hate in a good way.
  • So, I thought there was a bigger spider in this movie?

Well, it’s over. Really? What’s up with the abrupt ending? I feel the character development left something to be desired. And while the cast ensemble was great, they just kind of left you guessing how everything works out in the end.

With that said, the movie did it’s job. I got ready for bed and found a piece of lint from an alpaca blanket on my shoulder and had an “episode” in the bathroom. I think I am going to train my cat to attack spiders now.

If….

…you watch Jaws backwards, it is a movie about a shark that throws up enough people they have to open a beach.

I heard this the other day and it struck me so funny, I have been thinking about it and laughing aloud in the most inappropriate settings. It is just so funny what how certain things can get me to laugh while many things do not. It’s a rarity I watch a TV show or movie and utter a laugh or smirk. It’s not that I don’t appreciate humor it’s just that I don’t express it. For awhile I was worried about a broken funny bone or perhaps it was harvested while slept like the urban legend that included one missing kidney and an ice bath.

After talking to a friend, however, it dawned on me that it’s not that I don’t find mainstream humor, well, humorous, it’s just that I have a fucked up sense of humor all together. Here are somethings that will cause me to crack up no matter where or when.

This is an all time favorite. I most quote Clifford at least twice a week. If I don’t I fear that the world might end. Superstitious like that.

Tobias Funke is my favorite character in Arrested Development and when he was Ms. Featherbottom, he sealed it. “When I get a little nervous, I hum a little tune. Humdidle  Humdidleedoo.”

As I sit here in this classroom I am muffling my laughs and it’s getting harder. I can’t help it but mascots that are injured tickles me in such a way, that for a while I thought perhaps I am a little sick. I want to see them fall, catch fire and blow their knees out. I think it’s because I forget it’s just a man in a suit.

Ah shit, here is one more. Try not to laugh. I dare you.

I am sorry but you have no soul if you didn’t find that a little funny.

Ok, last I think British dry humor is my all time favorite. I will laugh in an audible way for this. I am not sure why because I was never that way before. I love John Cleese and all Monty Python type skits growing up but never found them “side-stitch” laugh material. But over the past few years I think my tune has changed.

Well, that’s a good taste of my guilty “haha’s” so don’t judge my educated humor too closely. Everyone has their taste. I mean, people found What Women Want funny and that makes me want to cry. God I love diversity!

So, tonight I am going to be watching a movie as I real-time blog about it. It is kind of like you are watching it with me as I annoyingly converse through it. Only now, you can’t tell me to shut the hell up. Because I won’t be able to hear you. This idea is stolen from the great Stacy Ponder over at Final Girl.

The movie: Arachnophobia. I have never seen it and always wanted to. Yuck. I hate spiders.

Finally. Self-Aware.

At exactly 11:34pm on the 8th of March, 2010, I finally became totally self-aware. I believe it to be like a dog who figured out that his shock collar finally ran out of batteries and he is free to roam around and roll in anything he wants to. And it only took an incredible amount of pain, misunderstandings, drunken forgetfulness, white lies for fear of being labeled something totally opposite of what is and anger. None of this is me. I was never raised to be this. But with this new found awareness comes the responsibility to be more proactive than reactive.

To be more proactive than reactive has not reached complete consciousness with me but I know I have switched gears by my subconscious actions. It’s a feeling and one I am familiar with. Much like the same as when I stopped being panicked when shot at but slow and methodical with calm and a weird peace. I wish there was a word for it. Back then I used to say it was “divine stupidity; commonly mistaken as courage”.  No, I think a real switching of gears happen without control and without objective knowledge. It just does.

So, with that being said, I am now going to tell you about my TA in the class  Neuroscience: Clinical and Behavioral Study. He has a neurological tick that causes him to make high pitch chirps every few seconds. It is mostly like a mild case of  Tourette’s. And I find it funny. Boy, I wish I didn’t. There has been so many times we would be studying his certain neuro disorder and he is in the back of the classroom trying to muffle his “YIP!” every few seconds. I do feel for the guy but irony is my kind of humor. I am now self-aware enough to know I am an incredible asshole.

So, I needed to get that off my chest. I always let you know what is on the noggin. Sometimes I feel the people who don’t know me at all, know me the best. Talk about irony! Waa ha ha ha!

A little something to keep you up at night

The Best And The Worst In Life

The other day I was talking with someone and the conversation morphed into a “what’s your favorite/what’s your least” type of a discussion. And since then I have been thinking about what a strongly opinionated prick I am. Man, I have been going through my whole life thinking I am a laid back, anything goes, I don’t care kind of guy when really, I have very strong feelings about a lot of shit most wouldn’t even think about. Here are a few of my love-hates in life and I hope you don’t judge me too strongly.

Best Movie Period:

I am going to have to go with Jaws. It is just an all around great film. I actually think it is a perfect movie and if anyone wants to argue, I will challenge them to duel with paintball guns filled with Gobstoppers. It had an amazing cast, a realistic setting, a priceless musical score and above all else, a great white shark that taps into our most primal fear; being eaten alive. A good movie will stay with you for life. And that’s why I still believe I am going to be eaten in a swimming pool by a shark.

Worst Movie:

Blair Witch 2: Book Of Shadows is the worst piece of shit movie ever, hands down. I can’t state that any harder. I would rather watch a marathon of Gerard Butler films for a week straight than to ever see this piece of bat crap again. It was so bad I actually can’t tell you anything about it. Can you believe my brain deleted it from my head because it sucked that hard? I know I watched it because I remember being pissed but as far as the characters, plot and setting? I got nothing. I do remember later that night going home and watching something with Sinbad in it and thinking it was really good. Blair Witch 2 destroyed any standards I had.

Best Food:

If you think I am a person of fancy discerning taste, this is going to wreck your opinion. I grew up in Marietta, Georgia and our Friday night restaurant was always the local Mexican joint called El Toro. I am sure you can find the exact restaurant anywhere across the country but for me, nothing beats El Toro. And it’s funny because I always got the #10 (two tacos rice and beans) so I am not sure if anything else would that be good. Actually, I don’t even know if I like Mexican food because I always get the same. Hmm.

Worst Food:

Every restaurant in Eastern Europe. There is nothing like eating uncooked pork, dried salted anchovies and pizza made with ketchup and corn. I drank my way across those countries.

Best Song:

When it comes to music I change on a constant basis. One week I am in the AC/DC mode and the next I am all about The Smiths. You never know. Shit, I never know! So for right now, I will say “Cutter” by Echo and the Bunnymen.

Worst Song:

God, there are so many. I guess if I had to pick one that makes me want to hit my face I would go with Michael McDonald’s “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”. I hate that song, him, his mustache and every keyboard that he touches. If I was an ultimate fighter, this would be my introduction song because it turns me into an angry chimp that freaks out on the owners friend and eats her face. Too soon?

Best Video Game:

I am not really into “gaming” and I don’t even own a console so I have to judge on past memories that go back to the time of Mario and Duck Hunt. I think my favorite would have to be Super Mario Brother 2. And I can’t really tell you why. I guess it was just my age that I associate it with. Life was pretty simple in the 6th grade.

Worst Video Game:

Absolutely Top Gun. No question. I don’t know a single person who hasn’t wanted to kill something over that game. I really believe I would have a better chance of survival flying a real F-14. Just watch this guy. Genius.

Best Childhood Toy:

I can’t really narrow it down without the feeling that I am betraying other great toys that fill my childhood memories. But if you are putting a gun to my head I guess it would be the infamous Millenium Falcon. It was like a dollhouse for boys. Funny thing though, every time I hear the theme song to the Andy Griffith show I think about that toy. Don’t ask me why.

Worst Toy:

I got this piece of shit from my great aunt who had dementia. I was eight.

Best TV Show:

This is a tough one because what was popular in 1989 is like watching cartoons by today’s standard. Gone are the days of moral lessons. But I will stand by my pick and say ALF. I never said my ‘bests’ were everyone else’s. That show still cracks me up and it will always make me comfortable. It’s like popping in the dvd and receiving a visual snuggie.

Worst TV Show:

I hate Nip Tuck. It is so silly to me. It is as if the writers try to out do the last show and it is just ridiculous. The shocking scenes are just not shocking. And to top it off, Mario Lopez is in it. That’s like giving it the seal of shit.

Best Drink:

I can’t handle hard liquor. I just don’t enjoy it. So now, I will say my favorite beverage is 7Up. Look out! It’s a party with this guy!

Worst Drink:

I hate tequila. It really does me no good and the mere thought of drinking it makes me heave. Last year we bought jello shots at this bar. Now in my mind, these are always made with vodka. Always. Nope, these were made with tequila and I promptly puked on my shirt. Never had a boomerang shot like that.

Boy, these posts are really stretching. I need to have a more exciting life.

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Is This My Humor?

And this made me laugh. I am not right.

MANITOWOC, Wis. (March 6) — Police say a bear bit off a woman’s fingers at a Wisconsin zoo after she ignored barriers and warning signs to try to feed the animal.

Cataclysmic Colossus Of Clout!

I don’t think that means anything but it’s my new “boy wonder” exclamation. I say it when you will least expect it so stay on your toes. So today I am going to give you a “catch up shot” or ‘ketchup shot” if you prefer. You’re gross.

  • Changing the VM header so I have been playing with images and old photos when Wicket and I locked eyes. My God, he has dead eyes. No soul. I still believe that Ewoks must have smelled like 20 year old moldy shag carpet. Those matted hairy butt bears.
  • The VSA went out on my Element the other day. My friend was with me when the warning light came on and I asked her what she thought it meant. She said it was my car telling me to “fix the Vehicle Shit, Asshole”.  To which I left her at the bus stop.
  • Went to see Megadeth on Monday. Amazing. Probably one of the better shows that I have seen in the past few years and I really went all out. I moshed, spit beer, think I broke my jaw, sang every song, got a nod from Dave Mustaine as I crowd surfed in my work clothes. But I was upstaged by a guy crowd surfing in a wheelchair. What a dick.

  • It has been so mild this winter I can not believe it. It has actually snowed more in Atlanta than it has here in the Northwest. Not that I am complaining but it is such my luck that I move on a mountain the year Idaho has the worst winter and to a low altitude plain during it’s mildest. Karma! Fuck you! Wait. I take that back. Nice karma.
  • I have been consistent in my weight lifting over the past couple of months and I have almost regained everything I lost this past year. That scares me because lifting 250 this quickly means an injury is just around the corner. But I am too obsessive to stop. Maybe when I can flex out of a shirt I will stop.
  • Last night I made pork chops and cataclysmic colossus of clout. Told ya to stay on your toes! Just when you least expect it.

  • I can’t stay silent anymore. I will never again sit back and act passive when someone wants to watch The Kardashians, Brothers And Sisters, that show after Entertainment Tonight and any other show in that category. They are so stupid and idiotic. That’s right I said it. I know why people hate Americans and it is because we watch insane shit like this. Who can actually be taken seriously when you decide to give up an hour, a minute, a second that you can never have back again watching spoiled and shallow people have life altering problems like throwing a party and not finding the DJ they want or talking gossip about people they don’t even know. F that.
  • Broke my second iPhone right after I spent $40 on a “protective” case. You are welcome Steve Jobs.
  • I am beginning to think that honesty is over rated. I was in a neuroscience class today and my professor has been on a workout kick involving only jumproping. He came in class today and said that he has been sluggish from being under the weather and hasn’t been jumproping. He claimed that jumproping with diarrhea was not the best idea he has had. Wouldn’t you know it, I was the only one to laugh. What am I, five? To make it worse, he asked if I was okay. I told him not really.
  • I have a park across the street from my apartment and occasionally I will take a stroll or walk to the university the long way just to enjoy it. Last week there was a tennis ball left by one of the random dogs that play there. Without thinking, I picked it up and aimlessly threw it without looking…right at two joggers that were jogging towards me. It was more than just awkward. Actually, I don’t want to talk about that anymore. I am the worst person.
  • Saw Phantasm for the first time. I loved everything about it. Kind of wish I had someone who enjoys campy horror as much as I do to have seen it with.
  • Going to Vegas, San Diego and LA for business and I am happy about that. Hopefully it will be filled with cool people and fun times but I have a feeling it will be filled with meetings and takeout. Wish I had an R2D2 unit to give my sales spew in hologram form. ‘Buy from us, Teledyne, Inc. You are our only hope.”
  • That’s it. You are caught up.

Kit Kats Make Me Wolf-Out

I hate Kit Kats now. I do. And it’s not because of the taste. They have been a Halloween staple for years and one of the great deciding factors of whether or not to kick in someone’s jack-o-lantern out of petty candy hate. But recently there has been a commercial featuring cubical maze of people all eating Kit Kats to a rhythmic eating sound montage. If you are new to my blog, let me tell you, nothing will get me to commit an atrocious act like human food crunching.  I can handle dog eating sounds or even cute cats chewing Meow Mix, but when a fucking dickhole warrior ad executive pushes food by forcing my ear to the top of someones skull as the smack and crunch away I…I…I get a little crazy.

So on Tuesday I was watching TV innocently enough when the said commercial  came on. I was already having a sub-par day so this isn’t exactly what I needed. Out of no where my vision went totally white. When I came to, the remote was no longer on my lap but in pieces across the room. The cat was staring at me from the doorway of the cat-condo as if to say, “hey…that was a little excessive don’t you think?” For the first time in my life, a commercial made me wolf-out/ Hyde-out. Which ever seems more accurate.

So now I have to be careful when watching TV with people. I don’t trust myself not to go beastie when someone tries to entice me into buying crunchy food. But this is old news to those who have been here before. They know I mean no harm.

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