“The Last Man On Earth…

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…sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.” – Fredrick Brown

This short story chills me to the bone and is by far one of my favorite horror stories of all times. I have a visual imagination, and since my late Grandfather told me this story, I imagine myself sitting at a table in a small room with nothing but a few books to contain my mind from being lost and perhaps a dim fire to keep me warm. I just sit knowing that I am the very last person on Earth. And then there is a knock.

So the other day I Googled this short story to read it once more and get that great joy of goosebumps and childhood nostalgia. It is only two sentences long so I didn’t spend much time reading it on various formats and blogs but I did do a Google image search and to my great surprise I found this:

A picture of me. I took this last summer on a run between Pullman, Washington and Moscow, Idaho on a trail I call “Heavenly Purgatory with a touch of Hell”. I have never mentioned this short story on this blog or any other and it is just a mind-blower to see me on a Google-image search for this great short story called “Knock”.

In other news, I have a new article up over at Review the World. It’s a little touch of where I live and where people go to buy their drugs and penis soap. Say hi to Brian while you are there. He and Amanda are expecting their first baby anytime now so send them over some love!

Oh Man…

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It is Saturday and I sit here behind my computer just struggling to come up with a great topic to write about and I can’t. I think creativity has been stripped from me and I really want it back. So, instead of writing about one thing, I am going to brain dump a lot on you and the randomness will be like something you have never seen. So put your lap-belt on.

I really miss the Halloween season and I know that is a huge nerd thing to say at age 32  but it is true. I found myself cruising old X-E Halloween articles this morning and I was yearning for cider, pumpkins, John Carpenter, and amazing K-Mart retail gold. But it is only March and to wish Halloween here means I would want 6 months to skip by and that’s another step closer to 33. So, perhaps I will have my own private Halloween in April. Even David Bowie day is still months off. Mother!

If you are ever bored or want some feel-good time killers I can not recommend strongly enough to cruise over to Review the World and hit up Brian’s articles and videos. It’s a really fun place that makes you appreciate all the little things. My favorites videos are these three. I just love how positive life is for Brian and I’ll say it. It’s inspirational.Plus, I write for him from time to time. I might have another one on the way there soon. I’ll let you know.

I had a dream last night that my car’s engine caught fire and I was stranded at a youth’s church lock-in. I can’t decide which would be worse now that I think about it. I will say, it was nice to wake up and look out the window to see my car was still all together. What the Hell is going on in my life that I dream that shit?

I am about to order Chinese food and that makes me so happy I will do a dance of joy. Please wait.

Alright, I am back. About Chinese food. I think I might break the norm and not go Kung Pao tonight even though I love it. No, I think tonight I will go crazy and get something completely different. But I am not sure what. Oooo, this is so crazy! I need to get out more, huh?

*2 Hours later*

Got the Spicy Beef. Not so great and not so spicy. I would say C minus. What are you going to do? At least my fortune said people where talking about me in a good way. Thanks everyone!

Off to watch Drag Me To Hell! I have heard good things and as a Sam Raimi fan, I have high hopes. Have a great night. I’ll be here, just messing with my cat. She’s a good sport.

Real-Time Movie Madness

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I think I am going to start a new segment of VeggieMacabre tonight. This is an idea taken straight from the wonderful and funny horror blog, Final Girl. The new segment is a real-time movie watching review that I will be doing from the comforts of my couch. It will be kind of like we are watching it together only I will be the only one spewing my opinions. Seems fair to me!

So let’s get the party started! Tonight’s film is the 1990 classic, Arachnophobia and I have never seen it before. Partly because I hate spiders. Actually, that’s the entire reason. Let’s put it in!

  • Jeff Daniels is in this? Did I know this before? Amazing!
  • How am I not surprised that this begins in South America?
  • Hey! The helicopter pilot was the bad guy in Crocodile 2. Kind of wish I didn’t admit to knowing that.
  • You just know there is going to be some of the “help” on this S. American expedition that might not make it home. I feel an Indiana Jones type death any minute.
  • God I hate spiders. This might not bode well for me.
  • I don’t get people who study insects and spiders. I am grateful they do but I don’t think we have much in common.
  • So the spider comes to the US via coffin, Of course! And it’s the same town as Stephen King’s Needful Things.
  • Enter Jeff Daniels! With token wife, Harley Jane Kozak. Isn’t she in just about every Lifetime and Oxygen movie?
  • It’s odd to see the country setting with a random palm tree.
  • Well, I am never going in a barn again!
  • Ah, so there is a back story. Jeff Daniels is an arachnophobia. The plot is coming together.
  • *just ate a Habanero. The little orange ones. So stupid.*
  • Ah, the second victim. Poor Margret. Let me add ‘turning off the light’ to my list of fears.
  • Enter John Goodman. This guy can steal any scene. Remember how I was asking how anyone can study insects? Same applies to those who are exterminators.
  • Now I am afraid of bleachers and football helmets. And empty shoes.
  • Now I am freaking out watching my cat paw at something in the corner.
  • I am feeling this Dr. Jennings/Sheriff Brody comparison happening.
  • Brian McNamara is in this? Holy Hell! I love that guy. In a plutonic way, of course.
  • I am getting the same feeling with this movie that I got with Jaws. Nervous anxioty.
  • Shit! Showers and toilets too.
  • Jeff Daniels in his younger days seemed very McGyver like.
  • I didn’t realize how much John Goodman’s character is like Bill Murray’s in Caddy Shack.
  • Hey! Family Ties in on TV! Oh shit, RUN!
  • Yeah, I hate this movie. But hate in a good way.
  • So, I thought there was a bigger spider in this movie?

Well, it’s over. Really? What’s up with the abrupt ending? I feel the character development left something to be desired. And while the cast ensemble was great, they just kind of left you guessing how everything works out in the end.

With that said, the movie did it’s job. I got ready for bed and found a piece of lint from an alpaca blanket on my shoulder and had an “episode” in the bathroom. I think I am going to train my cat to attack spiders now.

If….

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…you watch Jaws backwards, it is a movie about a shark that throws up enough people they have to open a beach.

I heard this the other day and it struck me so funny, I have been thinking about it and laughing aloud in the most inappropriate settings. It is just so funny what how certain things can get me to laugh while many things do not. It’s a rarity I watch a TV show or movie and utter a laugh or smirk. It’s not that I don’t appreciate humor it’s just that I don’t express it. For awhile I was worried about a broken funny bone or perhaps it was harvested while slept like the urban legend that included one missing kidney and an ice bath.

After talking to a friend, however, it dawned on me that it’s not that I don’t find mainstream humor, well, humorous, it’s just that I have a fucked up sense of humor all together. Here are somethings that will cause me to crack up no matter where or when.

This is an all time favorite. I most quote Clifford at least twice a week. If I don’t I fear that the world might end. Superstitious like that.

Tobias Funke is my favorite character in Arrested Development and when he was Ms. Featherbottom, he sealed it. “When I get a little nervous, I hum a little tune. Humdidle  Humdidleedoo.”

As I sit here in this classroom I am muffling my laughs and it’s getting harder. I can’t help it but mascots that are injured tickles me in such a way, that for a while I thought perhaps I am a little sick. I want to see them fall, catch fire and blow their knees out. I think it’s because I forget it’s just a man in a suit.

Ah shit, here is one more. Try not to laugh. I dare you.

I am sorry but you have no soul if you didn’t find that a little funny.

Ok, last I think British dry humor is my all time favorite. I will laugh in an audible way for this. I am not sure why because I was never that way before. I love John Cleese and all Monty Python type skits growing up but never found them “side-stitch” laugh material. But over the past few years I think my tune has changed.

Well, that’s a good taste of my guilty “haha’s” so don’t judge my educated humor too closely. Everyone has their taste. I mean, people found What Women Want funny and that makes me want to cry. God I love diversity!

So, tonight I am going to be watching a movie as I real-time blog about it. It is kind of like you are watching it with me as I annoyingly converse through it. Only now, you can’t tell me to shut the hell up. Because I won’t be able to hear you. This idea is stolen from the great Stacy Ponder over at Final Girl.

The movie: Arachnophobia. I have never seen it and always wanted to. Yuck. I hate spiders.

Finally. Self-Aware.

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At exactly 11:34pm on the 8th of March, 2010, I finally became totally self-aware. I believe it to be like a dog who figured out that his shock collar finally ran out of batteries and he is free to roam around and roll in anything he wants to. And it only took an incredible amount of pain, misunderstandings, drunken forgetfulness, white lies for fear of being labeled something totally opposite of what is and anger. None of this is me. I was never raised to be this. But with this new found awareness comes the responsibility to be more proactive than reactive.

To be more proactive than reactive has not reached complete consciousness with me but I know I have switched gears by my subconscious actions. It’s a feeling and one I am familiar with. Much like the same as when I stopped being panicked when shot at but slow and methodical with calm and a weird peace. I wish there was a word for it. Back then I used to say it was “divine stupidity; commonly mistaken as courage”.  No, I think a real switching of gears happen without control and without objective knowledge. It just does.

So, with that being said, I am now going to tell you about my TA in the class  Neuroscience: Clinical and Behavioral Study. He has a neurological tick that causes him to make high pitch chirps every few seconds. It is mostly like a mild case of  Tourette’s. And I find it funny. Boy, I wish I didn’t. There has been so many times we would be studying his certain neuro disorder and he is in the back of the classroom trying to muffle his “YIP!” every few seconds. I do feel for the guy but irony is my kind of humor. I am now self-aware enough to know I am an incredible asshole.

So, I needed to get that off my chest. I always let you know what is on the noggin. Sometimes I feel the people who don’t know me at all, know me the best. Talk about irony! Waa ha ha ha!

A little something to keep you up at night